《疯狂主妇》第一季（Desperate Housewives Season 1）剧本
每搂1集，共23集
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.01 - Pilot
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Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Wendy" - Sherica Durdley
"Natalie Klein" - Nike Doukas
"Waiter" - Heath McCall
"Elderly Lady" - Kay Wade
"Tanaka Party Waiter" - Edward Zoellner
Written by: Marc Cherry & Charles Pratt, Jr.
Directed by: Charles McDougall
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Overview of a nice, upscale neighborhood. Cars are driving by, people are taking walks and pushing baby carriages while saying hello to each other.
Focus on house where a woman steps outside, carrying a basket of flowers. Her voice is the one in the voiceover.
"My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there is never anything newsworthy about my life. But that all changed last Thursday."
As she talks, we see snippets of what she's describing.
"Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family. I performed my chores. I completed my projects. I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life. Until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used."
Mary Alice holds the gun to her head and pulls the trigger. The gun goes off and in the reflection of a mirror, Mary Alice falls to the floor.
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A woman reaches down into a pile of red, blood-like liquid, dips her finger into it, and raises it to her lips to taste it, then turns to look out her window when she hears the shot. The voiceover continues.
"My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced."
Mrs. Huber goes to her hallway closet and removes a blender that has a label on it reading "Property of Mary Alice Young"
She leaves her house and hurries over next door.
"After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she borrowed six months before."
Mrs. Huber goes to the front door and rings the bell, waits, then rings it again. She then goes around the house and peeks through a window. Seeing the body on the floor, she screams and rushes back to her house to call 911.
"It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot. There's blood everywhere! Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now!"
She hangs up.
"And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment."
Mrs. Huber turns to look at the blender with its label firmly attached.
"And if there's one thing Mrs. Huber was known for..."
Mrs. Huber tears off the label on the blender.
"...it was her ability to look on the bright side."
She puts the blender back in the closet.
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Many people go to Mary Alice Young's house, dressed solemnly.
"I was laid to rest on Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in these situations, they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken."
Lynette, caring a large platter of chicken, looks drawn and tired.
"Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. Of course, she didn't cook much while she was climbing up the corporate ladder."
Flashback to Lynette in a boardroom, giving a presentation to a group of people.
"She didn't have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant..."
Flashback to Lynette in her doctor's office, getting the ultrasound. Lynette is grinning, obviously excited.
"...her husband, Tom, had an idea. 'Why not quit your job? Kids do better with stay at home moms. It would be so much less stressful.'"
Lynette hesitantly nods her agreement at him, her smile gone.
Present time, Lynette continues walking down the sidewalk, holding the chicken platter and pushing a stroller. As she walks, her other three children, all little boys, two of whom are twins, walk in front of the stroller, the twins pushing each other as they walk.
"But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic, she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she had stopped to think about it."
Lynette tries to break up her children's fight as it gets more physical. She kneels down in front of them, angry.
"Listen to me. You are going to behave today. I will not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am..." [she pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket].
One of her boys asks, "What's that?"
Lynette: "Santa's cell phone number."
Twin: "How'd you get that?"
Lynette: "I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?"
They shake their heads no.
She straights up. "All right, let's get this over with."
The camera pans to a Hispanic man in a suit, standing outside of a beautiful house. He turns to watch his gorgeous wife hurry down the steps to meet him.
"Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella."
Flashback to Gabrielle when she was younger, walking down the runway as a fashion model.
"Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men."
Flashback to a restaurant, where Gabrielle and the man are having dinner.
"Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered that this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal."
Present time, where Gabrielle joins Carlos as he waits for her.
"Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler."
Carlos and Gabrielle walk down the street. Carlos tells Gabrielle that if she talks with Mason at the wake, she's to casually mention to him how much he paid for her necklace.
Gabrielle retorts "Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?"
Carlos explains that Mason let him know how much he had paid for his wife's convertible. He tells her to just work it into the conversation. Gabrielle says she can't just work it in.
Carlos: "Why not? At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."
Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation."
Carlos: "Hey! People are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely. Wouldn't want people to think we're not happy."
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The door to the Young's house opens to show a well-groomed woman standing outside with her husband, son, and daughter. She's holding two baskets full of baked goods.
"Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking, and for making her own clothes, and for doing her own gardening, and for re-upholstering her own furniture. Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family."
Bree walks in, with her husband and children following behind her.
She goes up to Paul and Zachary Young to offer her condolences. They tell her that she didn't need to go through so much trouble, and she says that it was no trouble at all.
She explains that one of the baskets is for the guests and the other is just for Paul and Zachary and those are "breakfast type things." As she talks, her family silently looks at each other. She hands Paul and Zachary the muffins and reminds them that she will need the baskets back. Behind her, her husband briefly closes his eyes.
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A woman leaves her house with her teenage daughter. She's carrying a casserole dish with aluminum foil covering it. The foil comes off the dish and the woman has to grab it before it flies away.
"Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl, always teased her, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house. It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt. She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary."
Flashback to Carl leaving the house with suitcases as Susan and her daughter sit at the kitchen table, a macaroni and cheese dinner in front of them. Susan begins to cry. Her daughter leans over and pats her mother's arm.
In present time, Susan and her daughter leave their house and begin walking towards the Young's house.
"A year had passed since the divorce. Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking."
As they walk, Susan's daughter asks, "Mom, why would someone kill themselves?"
Susan: "Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems. "
Julie: "But Mrs. Young always seemed happy."
Susan: "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside."
Julie: "Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? "
Susan: "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example."
They reach the house and go inside. Susan puts the macaroni and cheese on the table with the other food. She heads to the kitchen where the other three women are sitting. They say hello. Susan looks at Mary Alice's chair and then picks up the coffee to pour herself a cup.
Flashback to when all five of the women were drinking coffee together at that table when Susan's husband left her.
Mary Alice: "So what did Carl say when you confronted him?"
Susan: "You'll love this. He said, it doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."
The women all scoff. She continues. "And then he got this Zen look on his face and said, you know, Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation."
Lynette: "Please tell me you punched him."
Susan: "No, I said, really? And what do most women lead? Lives of noisy fulfillment?"
The women offer support.
Susan: "I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch."
Gabrielle: "It's like my grandmother always said. An erect penis doesn't have a conscious."
Lynette: "Even limp ones aren't all that ethical."
Bree joins in, saying that that's the reason she joined the NRA.
"When Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith & Wesson."
They laugh.
Mary Alice asks Lynette if she's worried about her husband, since he's always away on business. Lynette says that he's gotten her pregnant three times in four years. "I wish he was having sex with someone else."
They ask Susan if he'll stop seeing the woman and she says she doesn't know.
Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."
Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are."
Susan puts her hand on Mary Alice's.
In present time, Bree interrupts Susan's memories, saying that Paul wants them to come over on Friday to go through Mary Alice's closet and pack up her things, as he can't face doing it himself. Susan agrees. Bree asks if she's okay. Susan tells her "I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us. She should have let us help her."
Gabrielle asks what problems she could have had. "She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was - "
Lynette interrupts. "Our life." They're all quiet.
Gabrielle says that if Mary Alice had been having problems, they would have known, because she only lives 50 feet away. Susan tells her, "Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on."
Off to the side, unbeknownst to the women, Paul Young listens to their conversation, grim-faced. He takes a sip of his drink.
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Later, at the buffet, Susan comes up to a man putting some macaroni and cheese on his plate. She tells him not to eat it. He asks her why. She replies with "I made it, trust me." He starts to take a bite and she stops him. "Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?" He answers with "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese."
He puts some in his mouth and Susan looks apologetic as she holds up her hands as though to say that she warned him.
He starts to chew, then stops.
"Oh my god. How did you - it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."
"Yeah, I get that a lot."
She takes a napkin and has him spit the food into it.
He thanks her, then introduces himself as Mike Delfino. He says that he's renting the Sims house. She introduces herself and he says that he heard about her from Mrs. Huber, and that he heard that she illustrates children's books.
"Yeah, I'm very big with the under five set."
She laughs at her own joke and he chuckles. She asks what he does and he tells her that he's a plumber. "So if you ever have a clog.. or something" They smile and she looks away. She looks at the mac and cheese. "Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out." She picks up the mac and cheese as he watches her.
Across the room, Julie looks on, interested.
She walks away and he watches her go. She turns around as she walks, and he smiles at her. She smiles back.
Mrs. Huber finds Lynette as she's breast feeding her infant. Lynette tells her child "Ease up, little vampire."
Mrs. Huber says that she's been looking for her. "Are you aware of what your sons are doing?"
Her boys are swimming in the Young's swimming pool. Lynette comes rushing down to the pool. Looking around at everybody, she then leans down. "What are you doing? We are at a wake!"
Her boys say that she told them they could go in the pool. She clarifies that she told them they could go by the pool. She asks if they have their swimsuits on. They say that they put them on before they left. Lynette's furious. "You three planned this?" She picks up their clothing and tells them to get out. They refuse. She tells them "I am your mother. You have to do as I say." They tell her that she can't stop them from swimming.
Lynette looks around and sees everybody watching her. She then looks at her boys, who have their arms crossed as they glare at her.
She makes a decision and hands her baby to the priest. She then wades into the pool, fully clothed. They start to swim away, but she grabs them anyway. Susan, watching from the side, looks embarrassed for her.
Lynette drags her children out, takes back her baby, and tells Paul that they have to leave. "Once again, I am so sorry for your loss."
She leaves with her children.
"Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface."
Paul looks down in the depths of the pool.
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"The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives."
Lynette's children are throwing cereal everywhere while she tries to calm them.
"While some did their cooking, and some did their cleaning..."
Bree cleans toilet, furiously.
"...and some did their yoga..."
Gabrielle quietly does yoga on her front porch.
"...others did their homework."
A soccer ball is kicked over Mike Delfino's house into his backyard.
The doorbell rings at Mike's house. Julie is shown to have rung it. Mike answers the door as his dog barks and Mike bends down to hold onto its collar.
"Hi. I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard."
"Okay, well, let's go around and go get it."
He walks outside with her, telling his dog to stay.
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Later that day, Julie, tossing the soccer ball in her hands, talks to her mom.
"His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon."
Susan tells her daughter that she can't believe she went over there. Julie replies that she saw them flirting at the wake.
"You're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out."
Susan says that she likes him, but she doesn't know if she's ready to start dating again. Julie says that she needs to get out there. She asks her mom, "how long has it been since you've had sex?"
Susan stops what she's doing and looks at her daughter.
"Are you mad that I asked you that?"
"No, I'm just trying to remember. I don't want to talk to you about my love life anymore. It weirds me out."
Julie says that she wouldn't have said anything, except that she heard her dad's girlfriend ask if Susan has dated anyone since the divorce and "dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed." Susan stares at her daughter, silent and shocked.
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Susan walks determinedly down the street to Mike's house. In her hands, she carries a small house plant. When she reaches his place, she rings the bell.
He opens the door.
"Hey, Susan."
"Hi, Mike. I brought you a house warming gift."
She says that she should have come by earlier. He says that she's the first in the neighborhood to stop by. She's happily surprised. "Really!"
"Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane and she was the first to find out. But she also know that good news... "
Edie Britt calls out, Hello there! as she comes up to join Susan and Mike on the porch.
"...travels quickly. Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5-block radius."
Scenes of Edie are shown as she seduces a plumber, then a tennis instructor, and then a priest.
"Her conquests were numerous. Varied. And legendary."
Edie has a covered dish in her hands as she bounds up the porch, says hi to Susan, and then introduces herself to Mike. Susan watches as they shake hands.
"Susan had met the enemy and she was a slut."
Mike takes the food and thanks her.
"What's this?"
"Sausage putinesca. Just something I threw together."
Susan gives her a knowing look. Mike thanks her.
"That's great. I'd invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something."
They both protest that it's no problem, they had to go anyway.
"And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun."
The two woman walk away together, with Mike watching them while still holding the housewarming gifts.
"For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly."
Edie turns around to face Mike. "Oh, Mike! I heard you're a plumber?"
"But she was reminded that when it came to men..."
Edit continues. "Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?"
"...women don't fight fair."
Mike answers her. "Sure."
Susan sighs. She and Edie continue walking.
Edie: "Bye, Susan."
Susan: "Hmm."
They separate.
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At Gabrielle and Carlos's house, Gabrielle is shouting that Carlos can't order her around. She tells him that she's not going.
Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."
Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."
Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."
He walks away from her, out of the house.
He sees the 16-year-old gardener, John, and calls his name. John is startled and cuts his finger. Carlos asks him why a bush is still there, since John was supposed to get rid of it last week. John says he didn't have time. Carlos says that he doesn't want to hear any more excuses. Just get rid of it.
Gabrielle comes out of the house and tells Carlos that she hates the way that he talks to her. He replies with "and I really hate that I spent $50,000 on a diamond necklace that you couldn't live without. But I've learned to deal with it. So, can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night?"
Before answering him, Gabrielle turns to John and tells him that they have bandages in the kitchen. He goes inside.
Gabrielle tells Carlos that she'll go, but "I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time." Carlos backs away, smiling as he walks. "See? Now this is what a marriage is all about. Compromise."
In the kitchen, John puts on a band-aid. Gabrielle asks him if his finger is okay. He says yes, it was just a small cut. She asks to look at it. She holds his finger up to her eye level and then kisses the band-aid that's wrapped around it. Then she starts licking his finger, and before long, they start kissing each other.
John backs away after a couple of seconds, telling her "I really like it when we hook up, but I just gotta get my work done. I can't afford to lose this...job, and..."
He watches as she takes off her shirt and leans back seductively on a table in the kitchen.
She tells him that the table she's sitting on is hand carved and it's imported from Italy.
Gabrielle: "It cost him $23,000."
John [chuckles] "So you wanna do it on the table this time?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely."
She pulls off his shirt and they lean back together onto the table, kissing.
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Dinner time at Bree's house.
Aside from some soft classical music in the background, the only sound is the clinking of silverware on the plates. Danielle and Andrew are picking at the food. Danielle asks her why they can't ever have normal soup. Bree smiles and responds "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree." Danielle asks if they can't, just once, have a soup that somebody's heard of, like french onion, or navy bean.
Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic."
She looks at her husband, who's slowly eating, his eyes averted.
Bree: "And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion." [She turns to Andrew] "So, how's the osso buco?"
Andrew: "It's okay."
Bree: "It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's okay in that sullen tone?"
Andrew: "Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?"
Bree [shocked]: "Excuse me?"
Her husband looks down at his plate.
Andrew: "Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy."
Bree: "You'd rather I serve pork and beans?"
Danielle turns to her brother. "Apologize now, I am begging you."
Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food?
Bree: "Are you doing drugs?"
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."
Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."
Andrew: "Shut up."
He tells his mom that he doesn't have a problem and that she acts like she's running for mayor of Stepford. Bree looks to Rex for support.
"Rex. Seeing that you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something."
"Pass the salt."
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At a grocery store.
"Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion. Indignation."
Lynette is on the phone to Tom's voice mail while shopping. She says in her message that it's the fifth time she's left a message and he still hasn't called her back.
"Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I want to have some fun, too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you."
As she's talking, the twins grab a cart and race off. Her third boy watches them go and tries to get Lynette's attention. Lynette tells him "Not now, Mommy's threatening Daddy." Suddenly, she notices that the twins are gone.
They're walking down an aisle, throwing tons of food into the cart.
Lynette goes off searching for them and runs into Natalie Kline, a well-dressed woman. Lynette mutters "crap" when Natalie recognizes her, but then smiles at her. They make small talk. Lynette asks how the firm is doing, and Natalie tells her that everyone misses her. "We all say that if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. So. How's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom?"
"And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded."
Lynette: "Well, to be honest..."
"For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied."
Lynette: "It's the best job I've ever had."
Behind her, near the check out lanes, her boys run the cart into an older woman, who trips and falls down. Lynette closes her eyes.
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Outside of Gabrielle and Carlos's bedroom, a school bus goes by. John and Gabrielle are in bed, with Gabrielle smoking. John asks her why she married Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
John: "And did he?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "So why aren't you happy?"
Gabrielle: "I wanted all the wrong things."
John: "So do you love him?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "Then why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out."
John: "Hmm. Hey, can I have a drag?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke."
They kiss.
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That night, Susan fluffs her hair and checks her outfit while looking in a mirror. She asks Julie "How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?"
Julie, working at the dinner table on a school project with popsicle sticks, tells her mom that she looks fine. Susan tells her "If you would cut back to two meals per day, I could get the chemical peel."
Julie tells her not to be nervous, she's just asking him out to dinner.
Susan stops primping and goes over to where her daughter's working.
Susan: "So, is that your project for school? You know, when I was in fifth grade, I made the White House out of sugar cubes."
Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."
Susan: "Tell me again why I fought for custody for you."
Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."
Susan: "Oh, that's right."
She kisses the top of Julie's head and walks out, groaning.
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At Mike's house, she knocks on his door. He answers, wearing jeans and a tight T-shirt, holding a beer.
Susan: "Are you busy?"
Mike: "No, not at all. What's up?"
Susan: "Well, I just, uh, was wondering, if there was any chance that you, uh, I was just wanting to ask if -"
Suddenly, Edie comes to the door.
Susan: "Edie!"
Edie: "Hey, there, Susan."
Susan: "What are you -"
Edie: "I was making ambrosia. And I made too much, so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on?"
Mike: "Susan was just going to ask me something."
He raises his eyebrows at her.
Susan: "I have a clog."
Mike: "Excuse me?"
Susan: "And you're a plumber, right?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "The clog's in the pipe."
Mike: "Yeah, That's usually where they are."
Susan: "Well, I've got one."
Mike: "Well, let me go get my tools."
Susan: "Now? You want to come over now? You have company."
Edie: "I don't mind."
She smirks at Susan.
Mike tells Susan "Just give me two minutes. I'll be right over." He walks back into the house and Edie closes the door in Susan's face. Susan turns and runs back to her house.
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Susan and Julie frantically stuff hair into the drain. Julie says it's not enough to clog the drain. Susan grabs some peanut butter and cooking oil to pour down the drain. "And these olives." Julie says that it's not working.
The doorbell rings, and through the kitchen window, Susan can see Mike, who smiles at her.
Susan asks "How am I going to stop up this sink?" She turns to Julie, who turns to face her, and together they turn to look at Julie's popsicle project sitting on the kitchen table.
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Later, Mike is on his back in the kitchen, fixing the pipe, with Susan watching him.
Mike: "Well, here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down here."
Susan: "I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know?"She catches sight of her daughter on the stairs, who glares at her. When Mike turns his attention back to the pipes, she shrugs her shoulders and looks apologetically at Julie.
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At a family restaurant, Bree and her family get their order taken. Andrew says that the restaurant has video games. He asks if they can play until their food gets there. Bree tells him that it's family time. Rex interrupts her and tells them that they can play. The kids leave.
Bree: "I know you think that I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. You and the kids wanted a change of pace and some fun. I get it."
Rex: "I want a divorce. I just can't live in this, this detergent commercial anymore."
She stares at him, shocked.
The waiter comes over and tells them that the salad bar is over there and they can help themselves. Bree composes herself and takes Rex's salad plate. She tells him that she'll get his salad. As she gets up, he asks her, "Bree, did you hear me?" She goes to the salad bar, and begins putting salad and toppings on the plate automatically.
Mrs. Huber comes up to her. "Bree Van De Kamp!" Bree turns to face her. "Oh! Hello, Mrs. Huber." Mrs. Huber says that they didn't get a chance to talk at the wake. How is Bree doing?
Bree stares blankly into the salad bar as she adds more toppings.
"Bree longed to share the truth of her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option."
Bree turns back to Mrs. Huber. "Everything is great. Just great."
She arrives back at the table. "I got you the honey mustard dressing. The ranch looked just a little bit suspect." Resigned, he begins eating. She watches him as he chews.
Rex: "Bree, are we gonna talk about what I said?"
Bree: "If you think that I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you're out of your mind."
Suddenly, Rex clutches at his throat. "What's in this?" She tells him that it's salad. He asks her "With onions?" For a minute, she doesn't say anything, but just stares at him. He starts to get up from the booth.
Rex: "You put onions in my salad!"
Bree: "No, I didn't!"
He falls to the ground, knocking the table cloth with the plates on it over. Bree suddenly remembers. "Oh, wait!"
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Late at night, at the Young house
Zachary Young, who was sleeping in his bed, suddenly sits up straight. He can hear a noise and he gets out of bed to look out his window. He goes outside and walks towards the sound.
"The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. But he recognized it instantly."
He reaches the pool, where the water had been drained out of it. Paul Young is using a rock pick to cut through the dirt and rock at the bottom.
"It was the sound of a family secret."
Paul looks up and sees Zachary, then goes back to work.
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"Seven days after my funeral, life at Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate."
Lynette is feeding her baby, who flings food at her.
A twin runs in, shouting that their dad is home. They climb all over him as he walks in. Lynette gets up, happy to see him. She says that she wasn't expecting to see him. He says that he has to go back in the morning, but that she sounded "a little frazzled" so he came home.
The kids ask him for presents, and he gives them a football. He makes them promise that they will go outside and practice throwing for 20 minutes. They promise and then run out. He throws the football to them.
As they play, Tom and Lynette go into the bedroom, kissing. Lynette protests, saying that she's exhausted, looks terrible, and she's covered in peaches. He tells her that he's gotta have her. He starts fumbling with his pants.
She lies back on the pillows, tired.
Lynette: "Well, is it okay if I just lie here?"
Tom: "Absolutely."
He takes off his jacket. They kiss.
She tells him that she was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took her off of the pill, and he needs to use a condom.
Tom: "Condom? What's the big deal? Let's risk it."
Lynette: "Let's risk it?"
Tom: "Yeah."
She punches him, and he falls off of her to the side.
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In the hospital, Rex is in a hospital bed with Bree sitting by his bedside.
Rex: "I can't believe you tried to kill me."
Bree: "Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over, and I got distracted. It was a mistake."
Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?"
Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife..."
Bree looks stunned as he talks.
Rex: "...with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "We owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh. I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become."
Bree gets up and takes a vase of flowers into the bathroom, explaining that they need water.
In the bathroom, she quickly adjusts the flowers and then turns on the faucet. Then she begins to cry..
"Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect."
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Carlos kneels down to look at the grass on the lawn as Gabrielle rushes out of the house in an evening gown. He asks her if John was there today. She says yes. He says that the lawn hadn't been mowed, and he's had it with John; he's gonna get a real gardener. She asks him why.
Carlos: "Are you deaf? I just said he's not doing his job."
Gabrielle: "It's dark. You just can't see that the lawn has been mowed."
Carlos: "It hasn't been. Feel this grass."
Gabrielle: "I'm not feeling the grass. Let's just get going."
She walks off and Carlos looks at the grass again.
At the party, they walk into the group of people mingling outside. He sees Tanaka, and tells her that it's "time for me to go into my dance." She wishes him luck and kisses him. He walks off.
She frantically looks around. She grabs a waiter and points out Carlos. She tells the waiter to make sure that he has a drink in his hand all night long. She takes some money and gives it to the waiter. The waiter smiles and goes off to follow Carlos.
Gabrielle rushes off and drives back home. She reaches her house, gets out of the car, and pulls out the lawn mower, still in her evening gown. She starts the mower and begins mowing the lawn.
Later, once she's finished, she returns to the party and looks for Carlos. He's where she left him, still with Tanaka, and the waiter is handing him a drink. She breathes a sigh of relief and rubs a hand through her hair, where she finds a leaf behind her ear. Gasping, she pulls it out and drops it to the ground, looking around to make sure nobody noticed.
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The next morning, at Carlos and Gabrielle's house, Carlos walks outside. He walks through the lawn, then stops, looks down, and kneels, feeling the grass. Shaking his head, he gets back up and walks to his car.
Gabrielle is up on the balcony and she breathes a sigh of relief as she watches him.
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At the grocery store, Susan is shopping. She gets stopped by Mrs. Huber, who says that she's not feeling well, that her stomach is upset.
Mrs. Huber: "I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake. It's been running through me ever since. And I need to be at my best. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight."
Susan: "He's spending the night?"
Mrs. Huber: "Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours. If you know what I mean."
She turns back to the medicines as Susan rushes off, without her cart. Mrs. Huber doesn't notice as she continues talking to Susan. "Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?" She looks up and Susan is gone.
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Susan is pacing in her kitchen.
Susan: "I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, He just can't!"
Julie: "You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just having dinner."
Susan just stares at her.
Julie continues. "You're right. They're doing it."
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Susan walks to Edie's house, a measuring cup in her hand. She sees a car parked in front, and she goes up to the house and knocks on the door. She calls out Edie's name, then goes around the back of the house. "Edie?" She tries a door and it's unlocked, so she calls out softly, "Hello? Anyone home?" She goes inside, calling out, "Edie? are you here? I need to borrow sugar."
She walks into the living room, where clothing is thrown haphazardly on the floor. Candles are lit, and music is playing. Susan picks up Edie's bra, which is lying on the couch, and hears sounds of lovemaking from upstairs.
"And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever."
Susan sits on the couch, the measuring cup dropping, forgotten, onto the floor.
"And despite the precariousness of her situation..."
Susan dejected, throws Edie's bra behind her, where it hits a candle, knocking it against the curtains.
"...Susan took a moment to mourn her loss."
Susan takes a chocolate from an open container on the coffee table and eats it. Behind her, the curtains burst into flames.
After a minute, she smells the flames, and turns around, confused.
When she sees the flames, she jumps up and tries waving her arms at it, but the fire is too big. She runs to the coffee table, grabs some glasses of wine, and throws them onto the fire. The fire just roars bigger. Holding the wine glasses, she takes a pair of jeans and tries snuffing it out with them, but instead, the jeans catch on fire.
"It didn't take Susan long to realize this was not her night."
She throws the burning jeans onto the coffee table, where the items on the table begin burning. Susan doesn't know what to do and just stands there, shocked.
Edie calls down, "Is someone down there?"
Her smoke detector goes off, and Susan runs off, leaving behind the measuring cup on the floor.
Edie shouts, "My God, that's smoke!"
Susan makes it outside and runs across the lawn to escape.
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The firefighters spray water on the house, which is completely engulfed in flames.
Edie rushes around the ambulance, sees her house, and is devastated.
Mrs. Huber, off camera, begins talking to a neighbor. "It's her own fault. I've got no sympathy for her. Apparently, she left some candles unattended in the den. The paramedics said she was lucky. She could have been killed."
Susan walks up to Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree, who are standing behind police tape, watching the fire. Lynette tells Gabrielle that Edie had been having sex with some guy when the fire started. Gabrielle asks what happened to the guy. Lynette tells her: "He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital."
Susan is visibly upset. Bree asks if she's all right. Susan says that she feels really bad for Edie. Gabrielle says that she shouldn't feel bad for Edie.
Gabrielle: "She's a strong lady."
Lynette: "Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive."
Bree: "We all do."
She turns and leaves, and the rest, minus Susan, follow. Susan walks to a police car and leans against it, looking at the fire.
A man walks up to her. It's Mike, who asks Susan "Wow. What happened?" Susan, seeing Mike, is thrilled. "Mike!"
"And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
Susan: "I thought you were - Uh, where were you?"
Mike: "I just got back from the movies. So, Edie had a fire, huh?"
Susan looks much happier: "Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now."
"And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities."
Susan and Mike watch the fire together.
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With the fire still blazing in the background, Mike heads home.
"Not to mention, a few unexpected surprises."
Mike picks up the phone and dials a number. "Hey, it's me. No, I have nothing yet. But don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer."
He reaches into his jeans, pulls out a gun, and places it next to the phone.
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The next day, at the Young's house, the four women finish cleaning out Mary Alice's items.
Susan brings out some champagne, for a toast.
"The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life."
Susan makes a toast. "All right, ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice. Good friend and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace."
They all say her name, clink glasses, and drink.
Lynette tells them they should get on the road. Gabrielle reaches into a box with Mary Alice's clothing, asking them if they've seen it. She pulls out some clothing, and an envelope falls out of the box onto the sidewalk. She tells the other woman that Mary Alice always told her she was a size 6, when her clothing is instead a size 8. She laughs. "Guess we found the skeleton in her closet."
"Not quite, Gabrielle. Not quite."
Bree sees the letter on the ground and picks it up. Gabrielle asks her what it is. "It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice."
Gabrielle takes it from her.
"How ironic. To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret treated so casually."
Gabrielle opens the envelope. Lynette asks her what she's doing. Gabrielle says that it was open. "What's the big deal?" They all shrug, and Gabrielle opens the letter that was inside. She and Lynette read it, then pass it to Susan and Bree.
The letter reads: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell."
Susan: "What does this mean?"
Lynette: "I don't know, but check out the postmark."
Bree: "Oh my god, she got it the day she died."
Gabrielle: "Do you think this is why she..."
"I am so sorry girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this."
Susan: "Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?"
They stand there, looking at each other solemnly.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.02 - Ah, But Underneath
Voice over, spoken by Mary Alice Young.
"An odd thing happens when we die. Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell, and sound become a distant memory. But our sight. Ah. Our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead can also be seen by the living. If they only take the time to look."
Pan over a cemetery, focusing in on Mary Alice Young's grave, which reads:
Mary Alice Young
11*18*65 - 9*26*04
Beloved Wife and Mother
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Gabrielle is lying in water, with her eyes closed.
"Like my friend, Gabrielle. I should have seen how unhappy she was. But I didn't."
Flash to scenes of Gabrielle with Carlos giving her gifts as Mary Alice speaks.
"I only saw her clothes from Paris. And her platinum jewelry. And her brand-new diamond watch. Had I looked closer, I would have seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman. Desperately in search of a life vest. Luckily for her,"
Gabrielle comes out of the water and we see she's sitting in a bathtub. Sharing it, in fact, with John, the gardener, who she leans forward to kiss.
"She found one. Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement. But now, she was about to discover just how exciting her life could be.” Carlos’s car pulls into the driveway. John and Gabrielle kiss as they towel off. Carlos slams the car door. Gabrielle hears it and runs to the window to look. As Carlos gets out of the car and gets the mail from the mailbox, she grabs John and they rush downstairs, grabbing clothing off of the floor as they do so.
Carlos sees the gardening tools on the lawn and looks around as he walks up to the house. Gabrielle tells John to climb out the window and as he does so, she pushes him. He falls, leaving behind the towel he had wrapped around him.
Gabrielle grabs the towel he had left behind and quickly puts her hair up with it. Carlos walks inside.
Gabrielle: "Hi, honey, you're home early."
Carlos: "My meeting got cancelled." He glances over at her. "You just took a shower this morning."
Gabrielle notices John's jeans still lying on the couch. She saunters casually over to them and puts a pillow on top of them as she tells Carlos that she just finished a workout.
Carlos: "Where's John?"
Gabrielle: "John?"
Carlos: "Yeah, that's his truck out front."
"Gabrielle was panicked. She knew if her husband discovered her secret, she would feel the full force of his wrath.” Suddenly, from outside, John says, "Hey, Mr. Solis!"
Gabrielle and Carlos turn to the window and see John from the waist up, clothed, trimming the hedge. Carlos tells him to work on the fichus and John tells him that he will. Before turning away to continue trimming the hedge, he looks at Gabrielle with a slight smile.
"But she was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see, couldn't hurt her."
From the outside, we see John standing on a ladder, trimming the hedges...naked from the waist down.
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Credits
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The four women are at Susan's house.
"The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered.
First by my suicide. And then by the discovery of a note among my belongings that suspected a suspicious reason for my desperate act. My friends gathered to discuss its implications." Susan picks up the note from the kitchen table. "I think we should give it to Paul."
Gabrielle takes it from her. "He's still mourning, Susan. He'll probably freak out."
Susan: "It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts."
Bree: "Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry."
Lynette: "That'll be fun. 'Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep, dark, secret. Another bear claw?'"
Gabrielle: "We could always call the police."
Lynette: "Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke."
Bree: "Well, if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste."
Susan: "No, this was serious. I know it was. We gotta find out what was going on."
Lynette: "Let's say we do. There's a chance we're not gonna like what we find."
Susan: Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark? Imagining she did all of these horrible things?
Bree: "It's the age-old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?"
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At the Young's house, there's a giant hole in the middle of the pool.
"My friends were right to be concerned. They knew that every family has its secrets. And as my son and husband could have told them, you need to think carefully before digging them. up."
Zack stands by the edge of the hole, looking into it, and then turns to look at the darkened house. Inside the house, the husband carries a large chest into a dimly lit room, where he sets it down on a table and rubs his hands on top of it.
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The women come out of Susan's house.
"After talking for hours, my friends still hadn't agreed on what to do with the note. So, they decided to talk about it in the morning after a g good night's rest."The women part ways. "But no one could fall asleep that night.” Each woman is shown lying in bed, wide awake.
"They each kept thinking of my suicide. And how terribly alone I must have felt. You see, loneliness was something my friends understood all too well."
Bree gets out of bed and goes downstairs to where Rex is sleeping on the couch. When she reaches him, she coughs politely and he rolls over, telling her that he's up. She smiles and sits down on the edge of the pull out bed. "Good. I have a question for you." He rolls his eyes, then pulls off the covers to sit next to her. "Okay."
Bree: "Do you remember when you proposed?"
Rex: "For God's sake."
Bree: "We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, 'If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life.' And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes."
Rex: "That was a long time ago."
Bree: "You are going to cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer and we are going to find ourselves a marriage counselor."
Rex: "Bree!"
Bree: "You promised."
They look at each other.
He nods. "All right."
"Good. I'm gonna go, uh, make myself some warm milk." She gets up and walks to the kitchen, stopping halfway to turn around and look at him. "Would you like something to drink?" As he gets up from the bed, he mutters, "Anything but apple wine."
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At Susan's house, she takes a glass and fills it with tap water. As she drinks, she looks out her front window.
"Susan awoke that night alone and parched. And as she gazed out her window, she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst."
Outside, Mike Delfino is walking slowly down the sidewalk with his dog. Susan sighs.
Julie: "Dear Diary. Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."
Susan: "Shut up."
Julie: "If you want to date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.'
Susan: "I keep hoping he'll ask me out."
Julie: "How's that going?"
Susan: "Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?"
Julie: "I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?"
Susan: "The measuring cup?" [she flashes back to when she dropped it on
[Edie's floor.]
Julie: "Yeah."
Susan: "Hmm." [swf back to Susan trying to put out Edie's fire with the jeans, and then running out of the house, past the measuring cup on the floor, then flashback to the fire engulfing Edie's house.] I, uh, well, it's gotta be here somewhere. Just keep looking."
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Carlos walks into the bedroom, where Gabrielle is lying on the bed with her eyes closed. He walks into the closet and begins taking off his tie.
Carlos: "I know you're awake."
Gabrielle: "I know you're a jerk."
Carlos: "Dinner with Tanaka ran long. I'm sorry.
Gabrielle: "You know, Carlos, I didn't marry you so I could have dinner by myself 6 times a week. You know how bored I was today. I came this close to actually cleaning the house.
Carlos: "Don't be that way. I got you a gift."
Gabrielle: "Nope. No, no, no, no. You're not gonna buy your way out of this one.
Carlos: "It's a good gift." He tosses a red jewelry box in front of her.
She opens it. "Is that white gold?"
Carlos: "Yeah. Put it on." He kisses her shoulder. "And then make love to me."
Gabrielle: "I'm not in the mood. But, we could stay up and talk."
He laughs. "When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation aren’t one of them."
She throws the jewelry box at him, hitting him on the back. He turns around. "Hey, that was a joke."
She gets out of bed. "Yeah, right."
She starts to stalk past him, and he grabs her.
Carlos: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Gabrielle: "Let go of me."
Carlos: "You've been acting like a nightmare for a month."
Gabrielle: "Stop!"
Carlos: "What's wrong?"
She keeps struggling and he holds on to her. "I can't fix it unless you tell me."
She breaks his hold and sits down. "It's not exciting anymore, Carlos."
Carlos: "So what am I supposed to do?"
Gabrielle: "I don’t know. Be the way you used to be. Surprise me. take my breath away."
Carlos: "Okay."
She looks at him with her eyebrows raised and he reiterates: "Okay!"
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The next morning, Susan, in a robe and slippers takes the garbage out to the curb, yawning. As she's bent over, pushing the garbage bag into the can, Mike, who's walking his dog nearby, looks over at her. "Hey, Susan." Susan hears him and freezes, still bent over.
Susan: "Mike!"
Mike: "What's wrong?"
Susan: "I didn't realize anybody was going to be out here. I just sort of rolled out of bed."
Mike: "I'm sure you look fine."
She moans quietly and quickly touches her face and hair before straightening up to look at him. Bongo starts barking at her and Mike starts trying to calm him down. Julie, inside, hears the commotion and looks outside the window as she eats cereal.
Mike: "Sorry. He scares easy."
Susan: "No, it, it, it's fine. I get it."
Mike: "I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll see you later."
He starts to turn. She steels herself and as he leaves, she bursts out, "Did you want to have dinner with me?"
He turns around. "Just the two of us?
Susan: "Well, and Julie. Uh, it's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighborhood, we invite them over for a home-cooked meal. It's sort of a tradition."
Mike: "I thought you said you were a lousy cook."
Susan: "Well, I order take-out."
Mike: "Oh. You invite them over for home-cooking and you give 'me takeout."
Susan: "Yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's sort of a new tradition. I'm working out the kinks."
He laughs. "I'll tell you what. How 'bout I cook. And you guys come over to my place?"
Susan: "Oh! Great."
Mike: "Friday night at six?"
Susan: "I'll be there."
He starts to go and Susan smiles, happy. She leans down to look at Bongo. "Bye, Bongo." He barks, scaring her. Julie watches, interested. Susan runs into the house and calls for Julie. "Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night."
Julie: "He did? Cool!"
Susan: "But only I'm going. Because you're going to come down with something semi-serious that requires bed rest. And fluids."She runs upstairs.
"Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life. Of course, she was unaware of her mother's recent track record with fire."
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In Edie's burnt house, Edie and Mrs. Huber are going through the rubble.
Edie: "It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband worked for all those years. Gone."
Mrs. Huber:” Don’t worry about clothing. I already started a collection from people from the neighborhood."
Edie: "What? I don't want to wear other people's old crap."
Mrs. Huber: "Edie, you can be homeless or you can be ungracious. You really can't afford to be both." She sighs. "That reminds me. My insurance check still hasn't come yet. Can I stay with you for a few more weeks?"
Edie: "Of course! What kind of Christian would I be if I denied shelter to a friend in need?" She spies the burnt measuring cup Susan had dropped on the floor. "Oh, look! Here's something we can salvage. your measuring cup. We can just scrape off the burnt part and it'll look good as new."
Edie: "that's not my cup. Mine was plastic."
Mrs: Huber: "Well, how did it get in here?"
Edie: "I dunno. Who cares?" She gets up and walks away. Mrs. Huber looks at the cup, interested.
Mrs. Huber: "Now, would you put that down and start looking for jewelry?"
Mrs. Huber stands up, but slowly rubs the measuring cup, as she thinks.
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"Dr. Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished marriage counselor in the city. He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse, to infidelity, to domestic violence. Yes, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all. And then, he met the Van De Kamps." A knock on Dr. Goldfine's office door causes him to get up and answer it. Bree and Rex are standing there. Bree smiles and introduces herself and Rex to Dr. Goldfine.
Bree: "And I brought you some homemade potpourri." She hands it to him and walks inside.
Rex is left behind with the doctor. "The answer is yes. You're about to make a fortune off us."
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Lynette is driving down the street as her children jump up and down and scream and ignore her as she yells at them to buckle up. A motorcycle cop sees them and follows them, putting on his siren to pull her over. Lynette sees him and mutters, "Oh, crap." Once pulled over, the cop walks up to her and looks inside the car, asking for license and registration.
When Lynette hands them over, he asks her, "Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?"
Lynette: "I have a theory."
Cop: "Kids are jumping up and down. They should be sitting, wearing their seat belts."
Lynette: "I yelled at them. They never listen to me. It's very frustrating."
Cop: "Well, you have to find a way to control them. After all, that's your job."
He walks over to his motorcycle, leaving Lynette and the kids.
"Though he'd been a policeman for six years, Office Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children."
Lynette gets out of the car, slamming the door. Officer Hayes looks up.
Lynette: "Are you saying I'm a bad mother?"
Cop: "Ma'am you need to get back in your car, please."
Lynette starts walking towards him slowly.
Lynette: "I have no help. My husband is always away on business."
Cop: "I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now." He reaches for the gun on his belt. Lynette ignores him. "My baby-sitter joined the witness relocation program. I haven't slept through the night in six years. And for you to stand there and judge me."
She reaches him, breathing hard. He looks at her kids, who are making faces at him through the back window of the mini van.
Cop: "Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm gonna let you off with a warning."
Lynette: "I accept your apology."
She takes her license and registration from him and walks off. When she gets in the car, her kids start yelling again. She starts the car and the officer calls after her, "Buckle up!"
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A woman gets into a car and drives off. Gabrielle, wearing a short black dress, leopard-skin shoes and scarf and sunglasses, steps out of her car and walks up to the house where the car left from. She rings the doorbell and John answers.
John: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Hello, Jonathan."
Inside, he shows her his room, apologizing for the mess.
John: "You just missed my mom. On Friday's, she coaches my little sister's soccer team."
Gabrielle: "Ah, yes. I heard that." She picks up a plate from the bed that has a partially eaten sandwich on it and places it on his TV. "Uh, John, we need to talk about what happened the other day."
John: "Mr. Solis isn't starting to catch on, is he?"
Gabrielle: "No, no. He doesn't have a clue, God love him. It's just, I was thinking that when you come over to garden, you might actually have to garden."
John: "Great. You're breaking up with me. In my own bedroom."
Gabrielle: "No, no. I'm not dumping you. Lately, you've been the only thing keeping me going. It's just we can't do it at my house anymore."
John: "Oh. So, then, where do you want to do it?"
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, what time does your mom get back from soccer practice?"
John: "Mrs. Solis."
She clears off a space next to her on the bed. "Better hurry. We don't have a lot of time."
He takes off his shirt and joins her on the bed, kissing her. When he starts to kiss her neck, she looks over to his nightstand, where she sees a photo of him as a young boy, posing for a Little League picture. She frowns and puts the picture face down on the nightstand.
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At the marriage counselor's office, Bree is talking about her children. "And so, there's just the four of us. My oldest son, Andrew, is 16. Danielle is 15, and..." she looks down to rummage through her purse. Dr. Goldfine interrupts her, "I don't need to see pictures. Bree, you've spent most of the hour engaging in small talk."
Bree: "Oh, have I?
Dr. Goldfine: "Yes. Rex has been very vocal about his issues. Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?" She sighs. "Um. Doc-" Rex interrupts. "This is the thing you gotta know about Bree. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any." Bree looks at him, shocked.
He continues. "Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant. And I can't tell you how annoying that is." As he talks, Bree looks at Dr. Goldfine, who absent-mindedly plays with a loose button in his jacket. Bree focuses on the button, tuning out Rex. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a miniature sewing kit. Dr. Goldfine gets her attention again. She focuses in on him. "I'm sorry."
Dr. Goldfine: "Would you like to respond to what Rex just said?"
Bree: "Oh, um..."
Dr. Goldfine: "Is there some truth there? Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally?"
Bree: "Of course not!" She puts the kit back in her purse.
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In John's bedroom, John is lying on his back on his bed, wearing only his boxers. Gabrielle is finishing up getting dressed.
John: "Ah. This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so easy to concentrate after sex."
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm glad I could help. Education is very important."
John: "Oh, I've got something for you."
He gets up and goes over to a shelf, where he has a single rose in a glass. He brings it over to her.
John: "I was gonna give it to you next time I mowed your lawn, but since you're here."
Gabrielle: "Oh, it's a rose!"
John: "It's not just any rose. Look at the petals. There aren't any flaws. It's perfect."
Gabrielle: "Oh, John."
John: "Just like you."
"The truth hit her like a thunderbolt."
John: "I spent days looking for just the right one. Finally found it."
"For John, this was no longer just a meaningless little affair. Gabrielle could now clearly see he was falling in love with her."
Gabrielle: "It's just beautiful."
They smile and she tells him that she has to go. As she leaves, he calls out a goodbye to her.
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Mike gets out of his truck, carrying grocery bags. Susan comes running across his lawn.
Susan: "What are we having?"
Mike: "Uh, well, I talked to Julie, and she suggested rib eye steaks."
Susan takes one of the bags from him and he thanks her. "Said that's your favorite."
Susan: "Oh, yeah. I love my steak."
They start up his porch and Edie, in her convertible, pulls up, honking at them. "Hi, Mike! Susan."
Mike goes back down the steps to Edie. Susan stays for a minute longer on the porch. "Edie."
Mike: "Hey, I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up?"
Edie: "All right, I guess. Oh! Is somebody having a party?" She gets out of her car.
Mike: "No, Susan is just throwing me one of her traditional welcome to the neighborhood dinners. Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house."
Edie: "Traditional. I didn't get one."
Mike: "Oh, it's sort of a new tradition."
Edie: "Well, it won't be anything fancy. Just a little home cooking."
Mike: "Mm, that sounds so good."
She leans over to look inside the bags that Mike is holding.Susan smiles, but stays behind.
"Susan suddenly had an awful feeling in the pit of stomach."
Edie: "I've been having nothing but fast food lately."
"As if she was watching an accident in slow motion. She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it."
Mike turns around and gives Susan a look.
Susan: "Edie, would you like to join us for dinner?"
Edie: "Oh, that's so sweet. No. I don't want to intrude. Three's a crowd."
Mike: "No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie."
Susan: "It's not like that. The more the merrier."
Edie: "Well, this'll be fun."
Mike: "Tomorrow night. We'll eat at six." He turns and heads back up to the house.
Edie: "Great. Oh, and Susan?"
Susan: "Yeah?"
Edie: "This will make up for the dinner you never threw for me."
Susan: "Right."
Edie waves and drives off. Mike comes back to where Susan is. "Should I have told her we were having steak? She's not like, a vegetarian or something, is she?"
Susan mutters, "Oh, no, no. Edie's definitely a carnivore."
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On Lynette's porch, Mrs. Huber watches Edie drive away. Lynette comes out of her house with a box of clothing in her arms. "Here's what I pulled for Edie. I should warn you that most of the clothes in there aren't that stylish."
"Oh, don't worry about it." She starts going through the box. "Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser. Of course, we don't have to add salt to the wound." She pulls out one article of clothing and hands it back to Lynette.
Lynette: "Listen, I was just getting dinner ready."
Mrs. Huber: "Say no more. I'll get out of your hair." She turns to leave.
Lynette: "No, no." Lynette turns to go back inside the house.
Mrs. Huber: "By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled over by a policeman?"
Lynette: "Yeah, the boys were acting up in the car. I couldn't get them to sit down."
Mrs. Huber: "Young boys can be so willful."
Lynette: "I try everything. I scream. I threaten. I reason. I beg. Nothing works. I don't know if it's because they're too young and they don't understand or they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me."
Mrs. Huber: "My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car. So one time when I was acting up, she stopped and left me on the side of the road and she drove off."
Lynette: "You're kidding."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, she came back immediately. But I never misbehaved in the car again. You should try that."
Lynette: "Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids by the side of the road."
Mrs. Huber: "When it comes to discipline, sometimes you must be creative. My mother knew that. Smart lady. Of course, she's in a home now. And her mind has just turned to mush."
Lynette: "Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, right! Well, good bye."
Lynette: "Good bye."
As Mrs. Huber leaves, she sees Susan walking back to her house and calls to her.
Mrs. Huber: "Susan! Have you been able to find old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear."
Susan: "I thought that was the look she was going for."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Susan. Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being."
Mrs. Huber walks off. Susan sees Zack watering the lawn. She takes the letter Mary Alice received out of her pocket and looks at it, then walks up to Zack, asking if his dad is home. "I need to talk to him."
In the garage, Paul has wrapped the chest in plastic and is duct taping it shut. The garage door opens and Susan walks in.
Susan: "Hey, Paul. I hope I'm not interrupting."
Paul: "Actually, I was getting ready to go somewhere."
Susan: "I just wanted to come by and say hello. You know, see how you guys are doing."
Paul: "We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough."
Susan: "I can imagine. Not knowing why Mary Alice - "
Paul: "Why what?" He picks up the chest and begins walking away with it.
Susan: "Why she did it. Oh!" Paul drops the chest and Susan bends down to help him. "Here, let me help you."
Paul: "I got it, I got it."
He puts it in the back of his car.
Susan: "Sorry if I upset you."
Paul: "Can I be frank?"
Susan: "Of course."
Paul: "I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her."
He gets in the car and drives off, leaving Susan. A little while later, it's nighttime.
"As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She wanted so much to know why I did it."
Susan puts the letter in a box in her house.
"Why I killed myself."
Paul has reached his destination. He opens up the trunk and takes the chest out.
"It's not enough to want the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive because it knows where to hide."Paul carries the chest over to a railing on a bridge and throws it over, where it lands in a body of water, slowly sinking out of sight.
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Julie is at home. Mrs. Huber knocks on the door. Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Julie. I talked to your mom about donating some clothes for Edie."
Julie: "She's at Mrs. Van De Kamp's, but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs."
She goes upstairs, leaving the door open. Mrs. Huber walks in and starts rifling through the grocery bags on the kitchen table. She takes out some perfume and sprays it on herself. Then she sees a new measuring cup, identical in make to the burnt one she had found at Edie's. Holding it, she stares off into space, thinking. Julie comes back downstairs, sees Mrs. Huber holding the measuring cup, nd looks suspicious.
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Julie! I was just admiring your new measuring cup."
Julie takes it from Mrs. Huber. "Yeah, we lost ours."
Mrs. Huber: "Really."
Julie: "So I couldn't find the clothes. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Huber: "That's okay.
Julie: "If you want me to keep looking."
Mrs. Huber: "No. You've done more than enough. Truly." She leaves.
Julie stands there, looking confused.
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Bree is in Dr. Goldfine's waiting room. Dr. Goldfine comes out of his office.
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree. Rex just called. He won't be able to meet you here today. Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital."
Bree: "Oh. Well, I wish he had called me." She gets up, ready to leave.
Dr. Goldfine: "He suggested perhaps you'd like to meet with me by yourself. You've been very quiet in our joint sessions."
Bree focuses in on the button still hanging loosely from Dr. Goldfine's jacket.
Bree: "What? Oh, oh, oh no thank you. I have some things that I need to do today."
Dr. Goldfine: "Are you sure?"
Bree: "Uh, yeah. I'm sure."
Dr. Goldfine: "Okay."
He goes in his office. Bree starts to leave, but is hesitant, as though she's trying to make a decision about something. Finally, she strides purposefully back to Dr. Goldfine's door and knocks on it. When she enters, she says, "Dr. Goldfine, there is something you can do for me."
Dr. Goldfine: "What's that?"
Bree: "Take off your coat." She closes the door behind her.
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Susan and Gabrielle walk into Gabrielle's house, laden down with shopping bags.
Gabrielle: "So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?"
Susan: "Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support."
Gabrielle: "I can't believe she wormed her way into in. How did you let her do that?"
Susan: "I don't know. I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast."
Gabrielle: "Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little bit of time with Mike before the little barracuda gets there."
Susan: "That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45 which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for five."
Gabrielle: "Atta girl. I'm just gonna take these upstairs." She starts collecting her packages.
Susan clutches her shopping bag. "I'm gonna keep my one little bag and go home."
As she heads toward the door, she sees the rose that John gave Gabrielle on the front hall table.
Susan: "That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, John gave it to me." Gabrielle freezes after saying that.
Susan: "John? Your gardener? He gave you a rose?"
Gabrielle: "Yes. I am having some new bushes planted outside and he gave me that as a color palette."
Susan: "Oh! Okay."
She shrugs and turns to leave. "Sure is beautiful, isn't it?" She leaves.
Gabrielle stares at the rose. "Yes, it is."
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In Dr. Goldfine's office, he watches Bree sew the button back onto his jacket.
Dr. Goldfine: "I'm sure Freud would not approve of this."
Bree: "Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being."
Dr. Goldfine: "What makes you say that?"
Bree: "Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it."
She finishes up the coat and puts it on him. "There you go."
Dr. Goldfine: "Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited."
Bree: "Good."
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In the car, Lynette's children are misbehaving again. She pleads with them to tell them to sit down and how they'll be in trouble if they don't sit down in the seats. The boys become quiet, but only to whisper in each other's ears. After the whispering they all turn to look at her, grinning.
"For the first time, Lynette could see that this was not the innocent play of children. She was being challenged. So, she decided it was time to get creative.” She pulls over and opens the car door. "Out. Can't behave, you heard me. You cannot ride. You. Out. Move it."
She closes the door and gets back in, looking back at her kids once before driving off. The kids watch her. "Where is she going?"
She pulls around a corner and stops the car. She looks at her watch and then looks at her baby in the car seat next to her. "Mommy's a genius." After a few minutes, she backtracks and goes to pick up the boys. They're gone.
Shocked, she stops the car and tells her baby that "mommy will be right back." She rushes out to where she left them, calling for them. A woman comes out of the house where Lynette is running on the lawn.
"Porter! Preston! Parker! If you're hiding, you've gotta stop now, because mommy doesn't think it's funny."
Lynette: "Oh! Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my boys. Three boys with red hair. Have you seen them?"
Lady: "Yeah. I also saw you drive away and leave them."
Lynette: "I know. I was just trying to scare them into behaving. Did you see where they went?"
Lady: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're in my kitchen."
Lynette: "Oh!"
Lady: "Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues."
Lynette: "I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues."
She goes to walk past the woman, but the woman stops her.
Lady: "Yeah, well, I think you need to talk to somebody because abandoning your children is--"
Lynette: "I didn't abandon them. I came back!"
Lady: "I'm just saying...it's not normal."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, my kids aren't normal. And now I don't have time for this lady. So--" she starts to go past the woman again, who stops her again. "Boys! Get out here."
Lady: "No, I don't think they should go anywhere until you calm down."
The boys show up at the door, holding cookies. Lynette sees them and tells them to get in the car. One of the twins tells her that they have cookies.
Lynette: "Well, bring them. We're leaving."
Lady: "No, no, no, stay put."
Lynette: "I don't think so." As she tries to go past the woman, the woman grabs her arm.
Lady: "Listen, lady, you and I are gonna have a little talk."
Twin: "Leave my mommy alone!"
Lynette: "Let go of me! What's the matter with you?"
The twins bite her and push her over.
Lynette: "Run, boys, run!"
They all get into the car.
The lady gets up. "You get back here!"
Lynette: "Boys, you're gonna need to put on your---" the boys have already put on their seat belts.
Lynette looks surprised, but proud. As the car drives off, the lady calls out, "Get back or I'm gonna call social services!"
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Gabrielle is sitting on the staircase, staring happily at the rose on the table. A horn honks. She looks out the window and her jaw drops. She goes outside. "Oh my God." Carlos is standing next to a convertible with a big red ribbon on it.
Gabrielle: "Carlos, what have you done?"
Carlos: "I saw it when I drove by the dealership. I thought, Gabrielle would look so beautiful in this."
Gabrielle: "Carlos!" She shoves him playfully.
Carlos: "It cost me an arm and a leg. It's got GPS navigation, 200 wattstereo system, rear parking sensor..."
Gabrielle: "It's beautiful!"
Carlos: "So? Did I take your breath away?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely!"
Carlos: "Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?"
"Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos so she responded the only way she knew how."She kisses him and jumps up on him, wrapping her legs around him as they kiss.
Across the street, John is raking a neighbor's lawn. He sees the car, Carlos, and Gabrielle, and watches them, looking sad and hurt.
"She had a feeling the truth would have been lost on her husband anyway. After all, it's the rare man who understands the value of a single, perfect rose."
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Susan walks up the pathway to Mike's house. When she gets on the porch, Bongo, who was sleeping there, starts barking. She pushes the doorbell. Mike opens it.
Mike: "Susan!"
Susan: "I hope you don't mind. I thought I'd come by early and help you set up."
Mike: "Oh. Um."
Edie comes out of the kitchen. "Hey, Susan. Don't worry. Mike and I have everything under control."
Susan: "Oh."
Bongo barks.
Mike: "Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you."
Edie: "I wouldn't take it personally. Dogs are very sensitive."
She walks over to Bongo and starts petting him and talking to him. "In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring.” Susan looks at Mike, who's watching Edie and Bongo with a smile on his
face.
"Round one had started."
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Rex and Bree are at Dr. Goldfine's office.
Rex: "Look, all I'm saying is that this whole 'it takes two to mess up a marriage' theory is bull. The problems that we have are because of her."
Bree: "That is not true, Rex."
Rex: "All right, fine. What have I been doing for the past 20 years that has been so awful?"
Dr. Goldfine looks down at his jacket as he fingers the newly repaired button.
Rex: "You're not saying anything because I've been a great husband and it kills you to admit that."
Dr. Goldfine: "Rex, I'm curious. Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree?"
Rex: "Huh?"
Dr. Goldfine: "By your own admission, your home is always clean, your clothes are always freshly pressed, sounds like a wonderful cook. Despite her flaws, do you ever remember to say thank you?
Rex: "Thank you."
Dr. Goldfine: "Yes."
Bree looks satisfied.
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At Mike's house, Mike, Susan, Julie, and Edie are finishing up their meal. Bongo puts his paws on the table and begins licking some of the gravy off of Edie's plate. Mike tells Bongo to get off the table and Edie pushes Bongo down.
Mike turns to Susan. "So, who's the guy that lives across from Mrs. Huber, again?"
Susan: "That's Mr. Mullin. And just so you know, if he invites you in, you have to meet all of his pets."
Mike: "That's okay. I love animals."
Susan: "He's a taxidermist."
Mike: "Oh. Thanks for the warning."
They laugh.
Edie: "Isn't Mr. Mullin's brother your divorce attorney?"
Susan: "Uh, yes. yes, he was."
Edie: "Can I say something?"
Susan gestures that she should go ahead.
Edie: "In my heart, I still believe that you and Carl are going to get back together."
Mike: "Really?"
Edie: "Oh, yeah. I've never seen two people more in love. I'm mean, she's never going to find that kind of chemistry with another man. Never!"
"It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face. Round two was under way and she was already taking a beating."
Julie: "You know what, Mrs. Britt?"
"What Edie hadn't counted on,"
Julie: "Do you know who I always liked?"
"Was that Susan had someone else in her corner."
Julie: "Mr. Roswell, your fourth husband. “
Edie: "Oh, he was my second husband. I've only been married twice.
She glances at Mike, who smiles.
Julie: "Twice? You weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs?"
Susan: "No, Julie, she wasn't married to Javier. That was just one of her special friends." She laughs. "I think we should change the subject. You know, unless you want to keep talking about it."
Bongo puts his paws on the table again to lick off of Edie's plate.
Edie stands up, telling them that she wants to show them what she taught Bongo earlier. She holds some food in the air, and Bongo gets on his hind legs to beg for it.
"Susan was furious with Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant maneuver."
Susan stands up and started clearing the table, telling them that she was going to get the desserts.
"But most of all, she was furious with herself for not having thought of it first."
In the kitchen, she puts the plates down and looks off in the direction of the dining room, where Mike is commenting that he can barely get Bongo to sit.
Susan sees the gravy dish and picks it up. In the dining room, Mike says that he's never seen Bongo walk on two legs. Edie replies that he knows who to come to.
In the kitchen, Susan makes a decision. She puts down the gravy and then dabs her fingers in it. She rubs some on the back of her hand and some more behind her ear.
She carries the dessert out. When she's done passing it out, she backs away to where Bongo is, offering her hand for him to sniff. He starts licking her, and she makes a happy sound, drawing Mike's attention to her.
Mike: "Oh, look at that. Looks like Bongo's finally warming up to Susan."
Susan kneels down and Bongo starts licking her around her ear. "We just got off on the wrong foot. We're best buddies now."
Mike and Julie smile at Susan while Edie watches, stone-faced.
Suddenly, Bongo starts choking.
Susan: "Bongo, are you okay?"
Edie: "What's wrong with him?"
Mike: "I don’t know. I've never heard him make that sound."
He rushes to Bongo's side.
Julie gestures to Susan, pointing to her own ear. Susan puts her hand up to feel for her earrings. One is gone.
Mike notices the same time Susan does and they look at the dog. Mike carries Bongo out to his car, telling Edie and Susan to call the vet. Edie calls out that they will, and to not worry, that she'll stay
and clean up everything.
Susan: "Is there anything I can do?"
Mike: "No."
He drives off.
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At the vet, Mike paces back and forth. Susan comes in.
Susan: "Hey."
Mike: "Hey."
Susan: "How's Bongo doing?"
Mike: "I'm just waiting to see if they have to operate."
Susan: "Oh, God. [she pulls a large dog bone out of her purse.] Uh, I, I stopped and I got this. I am just so sorry for this."
Mike: "I'm really sorry that I snapped at you. I was just so worried."
Susan: "Oh, no. It's okay."
The vet comes out of the back room.
Vet: "Good news. We won't have to do surgery."
Susan: "Oh, that's great!"
Vet: "And we gave Bongo something to help pass the earring. When he does, would you like us to retrieve it for you?"
Susan: "Ah, I'm gonna say no."
Vet: "Okay. You should be able to take him home in about an hour."
He goes back into the back.
Mike and Susan turn away from the front desk.
Susan: "Wow. you must be so relieved."
Mike: "I'm sorry. I was just really worried."
Susan: "Well, it was your dog. I get it."
Mike: "Actually, it was my wife's dog. One of the last things she said to me in the hospital before she died was to be sure I looked after him. I promised her I would."
"And just like that, Susan could suddenly see something she'd never seen before."
Mike: "He, uh, meant so much to her."
"Mike Delfino was still in love with his late wife."
Mike: "And if something had happened, I would have felt like I had failed her. I know that sounds stupid, but, I--"
"And she knew right then that neither she nor Edie would be laying claim to his heart anytime soon."
Susan: "No, it doesn't. Not at all."
"So, she decided for now, she could settle for just being his friend.” Susan took the dog bone and handed it over to Mike. "This is for you. Well, for Bongo. Give it to him.
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At Mike's house, Edie finishes up cleaning. She takes oil and vinegar and places them in a cupboard. Hidden behind a different cupboard, next to where Edie had put the oil and vinegar lies money, maps, and detailed information and pictures about the people who live on Wisteria Lane.
"Yes. As I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me. The beauty that waits to be unveiled. The mysteries that long to be uncovered. But people so rarely stop to take a look. They just keep moving. It's a shame, really. There's so much to see.” The chest that Paul had thrown in the water pops up suddenly, bobbing gently.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.03 - Pretty Little Picture
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Dr. Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Karl Mayer" - Richard Burgi
"Brandi" - Anne Dudek
"Ashley Bukowski" - Emily Christine
"Mrs. Bukowski" - Nealla Gordon
"Yao Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Newscaster" - Keith Pillow
Written by: Oliver Goldstick
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
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Deceased Mary Alice lies peacefully in a wooden box. Slowly, the cover is pulled up over her body, eventually covering her head. Her name is printed on a small plaque on the box.
As she begins her voice over, a knob is turned in the room she's lying in and the box carrying her body is slowly brought toward crematorium flames as she's cremated.
"After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts, every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It抯 astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all, every single detail."
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Bree's House
Bree is shown lying wide awake in her bed, alone. She looks at her nightstand clock, which shows a time just after 5:30 in the morning.
"Like my friend, Bree Van de Kamp. I remember the easy confidence of her smile..."
Flashback to a small party Bree has, as she brings out a tray of appetizers.
"...the gentle elegance of her hand..."
Flashback to Bree purposely lighting a dish on fire, as her guests exclaim in admiration.
"...the refined warmth of her voice."
Flashback to Bree and Rex smiling and saying good night to the Youngs as they leave the Van De Kamp house.
"But what I remember most about Bree..."
Flashback to Bree closing the door behind Paul and Mary Alice and turning to Rex, who's walking away from her.
Bree: "Rex? Wasn't that a -"
"...was the look of fear in her eyes. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling, and for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable."
Bree gets out of bed and hurries downstairs to where Rex is sleeping on the couch.
Bree: "Rex, Rex, you need to get up!"
Rex: "It抯 not even light out."
Bree turns on a light and starts stripping the bed, even as Rex lies there.
Bree: "Please hurry! If the kids see you sleeping down here, they're going to start asking questions."
Rex: "Let 'em ask, I don't care anymore."
Bree: "Well, I care. They don't need to be burdened with our marital problems, and while we're working things out, the least we can do is try to keep up appearances."
Rex: "Oh yeah. Appearances. I keep forgetting about appearances."
Bree: "Oh, Rex, you look so tired."
Rex: "Ah, I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable."
Bree: "Well, why don't you move back upstairs and sleep in our bed?"
Rex: "We're in marriage counseling, Bree. I think that would confuse things."
Bree: "It抯 just...I miss you."
Rex: "I know you do. Of course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion."
He climbs the stairs, leaving Bree alone. She waits until he's gone, then reaches into a drawer and removes a pair of pliers. She lifts up the mattress off from the sleeper sofa Rex had been sleeping in, and, using the pliers, cuts some of the wiring on the bed, bending the wires up so that they poke into the mattress.
"Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of, it was a challenge."
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Credits
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"The day on Wisteria Lane began like any other, with a cup of coffee and the morning paper."
As Mary Alice talks, scenes of what she's describing show on the screen.
"And while Lynette read the business section and Gabrielle studied the fall collections and Bree searched for decorating ideas, Susan scanned the front page, and saw something that caught her eye."
Focus in on the front page of The Fairview Herald with the date, October 15, 2004, printed underneath.
Susan gets up and goes to a wall calendar. She flips the calendar to October, where there's a large Post-it? over the dates of October 15th and 16th, reading "Mary Alice dinner!"
She takes down the Post-it?.
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Outside Lynette's House
Susan walks up to Lynette's house, stepping over toys on the lawn, and knocks on the door. As she waits for the door to open, she flashes back to a previous time when she had stood there knocking on Lynette's door, and Mary Alice had answered.
Mary Alice: "Well, it抯 about time!"
Susan: "Be nice, I come bearing snacks."
Mary Alice moves back to let Susan in, and the other women can be heard talking in the kitchen.
Bree: "Lynette, these cards are sticky."
Lynette: "I know. Preston used the three of diamonds to scoop jam out of a jar."
Gabrielle: "Well, we're just thankful we have 49 cards to play with."
Susan: "Hello! Sorry I'm late."
Mary Alice: "So Susan, I was just telling the girls, I want to throw a dinner party."
Susan: "Really!"
Mary Alice: "Yes. How long have we all lived on this street. We've never done a big group thing."
Bree: "I think it抯 a great idea."
Mary Alice: "Paul never likes to have people over, but to heck with him, I'm doing it."
Susan: "So, when is this shindig?"
Mary Alice: "How about a month from tonight? That would be the 16th. Good for everyone?"
Lynette: "Works for me."
Bree: "Should we all make something?"
Mary Alice: "Oh, no, no. This is my party. I've been wanting to have everyone over for years. Oh, I'm so happy we're finally doing this. It抯 going to be so much fun."
Back in present time, Lynette opens the door.
Lynette: "Hey!"
Susan holds up the yellow Post-it? note.
Lynette: "I know. Our dinner."
Later, the four women stand outside Lynette's house, talking.
Susan: "How could we have all forgotten about this?"
Lynette: "We didn't exactly forget. It抯 just usually, when the hostess dies, the party is off."
Bree: "Lynette!"
Lynette: "I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality."
Gabrielle: "Mary Alice was so excited about it. It抯 so sad."
Susan: "I think we should go through with it."
Bree: "Really? wouldn't that be in poor taste?"
Susan: "No, it抯 sort of a way to honor Mary Alice. It was so important to her."
Gabrielle: "We could all use a fun night."
Bree: "Well good, because I have some new flatware that I've just been dying to show off!"
Susan: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "I'm in."
Bree: "I'll make braised lamb shanks."
Lynette: "I'm still in."
Bree: "So how many will I be cooking for?"
Gabrielle: "Seven. Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?"
Susan: "No, it sounds very, very wrong."
Bree: "Oh, is there somebody you would like to invite?"
Mike Delfino comes jogging by, stops, and smiles. Susan waves at him. He waves back, then continues jogging.
Susan: "I have an idea."
The women smile at each other.
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos: "A dinner party. Honey, I may be working late. The Dillman proposal is a complete mess."
Gabrielle: "No, no. You promised to be home every night this week."
Carlos: "I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything. This is business!"
Gabrielle: "Says the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy, did the movies ever get that wrong!"
Carlos: "You know what your problem is? You're very tense. You should go to a spa or go shopping. Find a way to relax!"
He leaves and after he closes the door behind him, Gabrielle smiles and picks up the portable phone.
It rings, and John picks up the other end.
John: "Hello?"
Gabrielle: "Where are you?"
John: "Algebra."
Gabrielle: "You free at four?"
John: "I'm not sure. I've got track after school."
Gabrielle: "Well get here as fast as you can. My husband says I need to relax."
John: "You, uh, want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?"
Gabrielle: "If you would, please."
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Lynette's House
Tom and Lynette are in the kitchen.
Tom: "A dinner party?"
Lynette: "Yeah, it will be fun! Bree抯 cooking. Everyone抯 coming."
The dryer buzzes and Lynette goes over to remove the clothes in it.
Tom: "You know what, I haven't even had a chance to unpack yet, honey. I just, uh, I just need to chill out for the next few days."
Lynette: "Oh, Tom. There'll be liquor, and hors devours. And grownups without children. And, and silverware. Remember silverware?"
Tom: "Honey, can you take this in for me?"
He hands her a disposable camera.
Lynette: "Have you heard anything I just said?"
Tom: "Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm wiped out. Three cities in six days. My head is just pounding. I'm not ready for a dinner party."
Lynette: "I already got a sitter."
Tom: "Can you cancel her?"
Lynette exhales sharply as she looks at him incredulously.
Tom: "Please? Look, let抯 just stay in tomorrow night. We can get a bottle of wine and rent a video, and I just want to hang out with my best gal." He kisses her. "That抯 all."
Lynette: "I was looking so forward to a night out."
Tom: "I know, sweetie, I'm sorry, but, I'm beat. I mean, do you remember what it抯 like to work a sixty hour week?"
He walks off with Lynette staring after him.
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Bree's House
Bree packs up a lunch while Rex looks through his appointment book.
Rex: "A dinner party? Do I have to go?"
Bree: "Well, given that we're hosting it, I'd say so. By the way, you won't be drinking at this party."
Rex: "Well, why is that?"
Bree: "Because when you drink, you get chatty. No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine."
Rex: "You know, if you spent half as much time working on our problems as you do covering them..."
Bree: "Not a drop!"
Rex: "You know, this, this is ridiculous! This whole thing about us taking tennis lessons!"
Bree: "Well, the nurses at your office may start wondering why you're disappearing three times a week. Tennis lessons are a plausible alibi."
Rex: "So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?"
Bree: "My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve."
Rex: "Of course."
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Outside Susan's House
Karl and Susan talk, waiting for Julie, while Brandi stands near Karl's car.
Karl: "A dinner party?"
Susan: "It抯 tomorrow night, so if you could just keep Julie an extra day."
Karl: "Fine, but that抯 all. Brandi and I leave Sunday for a week up at the cabin."
Susan: "What cabin?"
Karl: "Brandi wanted some place where we could get away. Escrow just closed yesterday."
Susan: "You can afford a cabin but you can't scrape up child support?"
Karl: "The check is in the mail."
Susan gets upset and quickly opens up the mailbox, looking briefly inside, then closes it.
Susan: "Oh, no, it抯 not!"
Julie comes outside.
Julie: "I found my dental guard. I'm ready."
Susan and Karl become quiet and look anywhere but at each other. Julie rolls her eyes.
Julie: "Stop fighting."
Susan: "We are being as nice as we possibly can to one another."
Julie: "Like I said, stop fighting."
Susan kisses Julie, then Karl and Julie walk to his car. Brandi throws an empty soda can towards the trash can near Susan and misses.
Susan: "Excuse me, Brandi. Do you mind?"
Brandi: "Oh. Okay."
Karl: "Wait, Susan. you're right there. You could pick it up."
Susan: "I could, but she抯 the one who threw it."
Karl: "Come on, don't be petulant. Just pick up the stupid can!"
Susan: "No!"
Julie: "I could pick it up."
Susan: "Honey, stay out of this."
Karl: "Fine. This is so typical!"
He walks over to her. As he bends down to get the can, she kicks it, causing it to bounce off his leg.
Susan: "Oh, sorry, was that petulant too?"
Karl: "You know what? Pick up the damn can yourself."
Susan: "Well, you just go to hell!"
She kicks the can across the driveway and it stops at the bottom of the driveway, right next to Mike, who had stopped there while walking his dog, Bongo.
Mike: "You want me to pick it up?"
Susan, obviously embarrassed, has no words, while Mike smiles.
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Paul's House
Paul and Zach sit at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Paul looks through the newspaper.
Zach: "Mrs. Warmington said she looked for mom抯 obituary and couldn't find it. Did you put one in?"
Paul: "I've had other things on my mind, Zach."
Zach: "But how could you not do that? People are going to think we didn't care about her."
Paul: "I doubt people will give it much thought. don't worry about it."
Zach: "You never talk about her. She hasn't even been dead a month, and it抯 like you've totally forgotten she ever existed."
Paul: "It抯 a little early for this kind of talk."
Zach: "Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary."
Paul: "That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is on the phone.
Gabrielle: "Mom, it抯 no big deal, Carlos and I are driving in for the baptism. Problem solved."
There's a knock at the door and Gabrielle answers it, letting John in, as she continues talking on the phone.
Gabrielle: "Okay, fine, you go with Aunt Maria, and I will take Nanna to church." (whispering to John) "Take your clothes off" (returning her attention to the conversation on the phone) "Uh-huh. Okay. I gotta go, mom. Yes, right now! Okay. Uh, you can give me directions later. Bye. (to John) Hi! How was school?"
John: "I got an A minus on my biology exam."
Gabrielle: "You did!"
They kiss.
Gabrielle: "Well, let抯 see what you learned."
They kiss again when Gabrielle gasps. She looks towards the front door, where the face of a little girl is peering in.
John: "Who抯 that?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know."
She strides to the door.
Gabrielle: "Hey, you!"
The little girl runs away.
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Outside Susan's House
Lynette and Susan take dry cleaning out of Susan's car.
Lynette: "So, did Mike say anything?"
Susan: "No, but God, you should have seen the look on his face!"
Lynette: "I'm sure it抯 not that bad. I mean, he抯 coming to the party, right?"
Susan: "I left three messages. No, he抯 not going to come. Big surprise. I did everything but foam at the mouth. God, I hate when I get that way. It's like every time I get within 10 feet of Karl I just become this monster."
Lynette: "You know what? It抯 not gonna change until you resolve your issues with that man."
Susan: "What, you mean forgive him? You know, I've lived with this bitterness so long I think I'd be lonely without it."
Lynette: "Honey, get a pet!"
They laugh.
Lynette: "See you."
Susan walks away and Lynette stands in the driveway, looking at recently developed photos that she had with her. She gasps.
Lynette: "Son of a..."
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Lynette's House
Tom holds a photographed picture in his hand. It shows him with two male colleagues, all dressed in sombreros with huge margaritas in front of each of them. They all grin at the camera. Tom also has a cigar in his mouth.
Tom: "It抯 a business meeting!"
Lynette: "It抯 a frat party."
Tom: "Regional manager. Corporate manager. Head of sales."
Lynette: "Margarita. Cigar. Sombrero."
Tom: "Honey, what do you want me to do. Sit around the hotel all the time watching cable?"
Lynette: "No, but when I say, we've been invited to a party, don't whine about your exhausting sixty-hour week. Put on your dancing shoes and take the mother of your children out for a good time."
Tom: "Fine, you know what, you're right. Let's go to that party."
Lynette: "Can't. I already cancelled the sitter."
Tom: "Okay, we'll, we'll throw the next one."
Lynette: "Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face."
Tom gets up and removes an individually-wrapped Jell-O? snack from the refrigerator, then goes back to the table and sits down, trying to open it.
Lynette: "No, you know what, I'm going to go to this one. You can stay home and baby sit the kids."
Tom: "Okay, I can handle that."
He struggles to open the snack as Lynette watches. Finally, she goes over to him and opens it for him.
Tom: "Thank you."
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle drives up to her house in her car.
"Gabrielle spent her morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her..."
Gabrielle pulls into her driveway and sees the little girl standing by Carlos, who's crouched down to be at eye-level with the girl, shaking her hand.
"...the mystery was solved a bit too quickly."
Gabrielle: "Hey. What抯 going on?"
Carlos: "Have you met Ashley?"
Ashley stares up at Gabrielle while Gabrielle furrows her brow. She opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, a woman comes around the side of the house.
Mrs. Bukowski: "Found it!"
Carlos: "Babe, this is Sheila Bukowski, our new neighbor. They just moved into the Miller抯 old house."
Mrs. Bukowski: "My daughter left her ball in your yard. So sorry."
Gabrielle: "Oh, oh, no, no problem. Nice to meet you, Ashley."
Ashley stares, stone-faced, up at Gabrielle, saying nothing.
Mrs. Bukowski: "She抯 shy. She doesn't say much.""
Carlos: "Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away."
He laughs.
Mrs. Bukowski: "Nice meeting you."
Mrs. Bukowski and Carlos both turn and start to walk away, leaving Gabrielle and Ashley, who stare at each other. Mrs. Bukowski comes back and gently steers Ashley away.
Mrs. Bukowski: "Come on, Ashley."
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Paul's House
Zach goes into the garage with some rags. He puts them on a shelf and pulls down a box of cleaning supplies. Behind the box, he sees a small shoe box. He opens it, and slowly pulls out a gun.
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Dr. Goldfine's Office
Focus in on a tape recorder that's recording.
Bree: "Private sessions? I don't understand. Why do we need private sessions?"
Dr. Goldfine. "Private sessions allow us to work on the personal issues of both partners."
Bree: "Oh, well, I don't have any personal issues. My only issue is that my husband wants to leave me, and how can I work on that if he's not in the room?"
Rex: "There are things I need to discuss with Dr. Goldfine and I can't have you there."
Bree: "Why? I'm your wife. You can say anything in front of me. All we need is a few more sessions, and I'm sure we can--"
Rex: "Damn it, Bree, a few more sessions isn't going to fix us. This is bigger than that."
Dr. Goldfine: "Why don't we do it this way. Rex, you can take the first half hour. Bree, you can take the second."
Bree: "Fine. Oh, and doctor, if what he is about to discuss has anything to do with adultery, prostitution or Internet pornography, I would really appreciate you taking a moral hard line."
She stands up, swings a tennis racket up onto her shoulder, and walks out.
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Outside the Bukowski House
Ashley is drawing on the sidewalk with colored chalk when Gabrielle comes up to her.
Gabrielle: "Hi, Ashley. Remember me? We, we met earlier."
Ashley looks up, but says nothing before going back to her drawing.
Gabrielle: "Wow. aren't you the little artist. What are those, flamingos?"
Ashley: "No."
Gabrielle: "Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like their kissing. Funny thing, about kissing. It抯 not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mom or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kind of like a high five on the lips, right?"
She holds her hand out for Ashley to high-five it, but Ashley ignores her.
Gabrielle: "Uh...hey, Ash. I was at the mall, and I saw this and thought you might like it."
She reaches behind her and shows Ashley a doll that she brought over with her.
Gabrielle: "She抯 Hawaiian. Her name is Princess Kahalua, and I, I think it means little waterfall or big pond or something."
Ashley takes the doll and stares at it before plopping it in her lap and going back to her drawing.
Gabrielle: "Oh great, so we're good, right?"
Ashley looks up and just stares at Gabrielle for a second or two.
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, you enjoy your new little friend, and if there's anything else you need, you just let me know."
She starts walking away when Ashley speaks.
Ashley: "What I'd really like is a bike."
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Paul's House
Paul walks into the darkened kitchen and goes to the refrigerator. He opens the fridge and hears something spinning. He looks across the room and sees Zach, in the dark, holding the gun, spinning the chamber. Paul turns on a light.
Paul: "Where did you find that?"
Zach: "She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? Why?"
Paul: "Cause I thought we might need it some day."
Zach: "For what?"
Paul: "Protection."
Zach: "I want to talk about mom."
Paul: "You need to take your medication."
Zach: "We are going to talk about mom!"
There's a knock at the door. Zach motions for his dad to be silent, then answers the door.
Bree: "Hello Zach. I hope this isn't a bad time."
Zach: "What can I do for you, Mrs. Van de Kamp?"
Bree: "Well, I wanted to invite you and your father to a dinner party tomorrow night."
Zach: "I'm not sure where he is right now."
Bree: "Oh, well I'm sorry it抯 such late notice, but, well, we weren't sure if you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement. But we're sort of throwing it in your mother抯 honor."
Zach: "Really..."
Bree: "Yes, it抯 just going to be a casual night with the gang. We're going to eat, and tell fun stories about your mom. Zach. Are you okay?"
Paul comes to the door, standing next to Zach.
Paul: "Hello, Bree."
Bree: "Oh, hi Paul, I-I was just..."
Paul: "I heard. Thank you. We already had plans for the night."
Bree: "Oh. Well, that抯 too bad."
Hidden from Bree, Paul slowly reaches behind Zach and takes the gun from him.
Bree: "Well, I should go."
Zach: "Thank you, Mrs. Van de Kamp."
Bree: "For what, Zach?"
Zach: "For remembering my mom."
His voice trembles.
"That night Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves."
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Outside
"And the next day, Gabrielle calmed her own nerves by giving something to her new best friend."
Gabrielle removes a pink bicycle from the trunk of her car and presents it to Ashley.
Gabrielle: "Here you go. It抯 top of the line, three speed, aluminum frame, handlebar ribbons, and a bell. And you'll notice, it抯 royal blue to match your pretty little eyes."
Ashley: "My eyes are green."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, you'll be cruising so fast on this, no one will even notice. It抯 all yours, hon. Have fun."
She starts walking back to her car and turns back slightly. She sees Ashley staring at her.
Gabrielle: "What? What抯 wrong?"
Ashley: "I don't know how to ride a bike."
Gabrielle: "What? Well then why did you ask for one?"
Ashley shrugs.
Ashley: "Why can't you show me?"
Gabrielle: "Sure. One of these days."
She turns away again and starts walking when Ashley speaks again.
Ashley: "What抯 wrong with now?"
Gabrielle stops.
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Susan's House
Susan opens up her photo album.
"After her talk with Lynette, Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album."
She looks at photos of Julie with Karl and Susan and Julie with Karl, when they were still married. Every photo is lovingly placed and decorated in the album, but each photo that included Karl has his head cut out of the picture.
"And she began to see herself in a whole new light. And the picture wasn't flattering."
She picks up the phone and dials a number .
Voice Mail Message: "Yeah, you got Karl. Leave a message."
Susan: "Hey, Karl, it抯 me. I was hoping you'd be there. Um, listen, we need to talk. So maybe, when you drop Julie off tomorrow, we could have a moment. It抯 important. Give my best to...Brandi. Call me."
"Susan was proud of herself. She was finally ready to let go of her anger."
Susan looks at a cut out of Karl's head that she just removed from a photo.
"Well, almost."
She crushes it between her fingers.
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Lynette's House
The twins scream in the background as Lynette, her face covered in a blue facial mask and her hair in rollers, gives directions to Tom.
Lynette: "The boys will be hungry at 5:30 so I put the fish sticks in the toaster oven at 5 o'clock."
Tom: "For a half an hour. Honey, I know. It抯 like the third time you've told me!"
Lynette: "Well, if the food抯 late, God help you!"
Tom: "Beautiful. I don't need a pamphlet. It抯 not brain surgery. They're just kids, for god's sake!"
He walks up the stairs. Lynette pauses, and then calls out to Preston.
Lynette: "Preston, would you come here?"
Preston: "Yeah?"
Lynette: "Sweetie. You know our rule about eating cookies, right?"
Preston: "Yeah. We can't have 'em after five 慶ause sugar makes us hyper."
Lynette: "Yeah. But tonight, anything goes."
She hands him a box of animal cookies.
Lynette: "Make sure you share with your brothers."
Preston: "Thanks, Mom!"
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Outside, on the street
Gabrielle stumbles down the street in her high heels, as she holds onto the back of Ashley's bike while Ashley tries to ride it.
Gabrielle: "Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet. Look at the road. Look at the road. Good! Ow! Uh, okay, find your balance! Find your balance! Okay, it抯 all you. It抯 all you! you're doing great!"
She lets go of the bike, letting Ashley ride on her own.
Gabrielle: "Okay, stay to the right. Watch the car...watch the car...watch the car!"
Ashley: "Ah.. ahh.."
She falls to the ground.
Gabrielle: "Oh god..."
Gabrielle runs up to her.
Gabrielle: "You okay?"
Ashley: "Yeah! Let抯 go again!"
Gabrielle: "Oh honey, these heels don't have another block in them."
Ashley: "What about tomorrow?"
Gabrielle: "Well, you won't be around tomorrow because you have school."
Ashley: "I'm home schooled. I'm always around."
"It was in that moment that Gabrielle realized, this ride was far from over."
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Outside Susan's House
A man pushes Susan's doorbell repeatedly.
Susan: "I'm coming!"
She opens the door, revealing that she's dressed only in a towel, and her hair is still wet from stepping out of the shower.
Susan: "Karl, what are you doing here? I asked you to come tomorrow."
Karl: "You said you wanted to talk. It sounded important."
Susan: "Tomorrow! I'm in a towel."
Karl: "We were married fourteen years. I know what抯 under there. Come on."
He pushes past her and walks inside. She rolls her eyes, but closes the door, then follows behind him into the kitchen.
Susan: "I'm not really ready for this. I was going to have a whole speech prepared."
Karl: "Brandi and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it."
Susan: "Oh. Okay. Here抯 the thing, Karl. I was thinking about what happened in the driveway yesterday, and I, I, I just don't want to, I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be that kind of person, and, and, I just thought...if, if the two of us...if we had a nice calm..."
She pauses to take a breath and Karl starts rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.
Susan: "...I need an apology, Karl."
Karl looks up, making eye contact.
Karl: "For what?"
Susan: "An apology. For the way you ended our marriage. You never took any responsibility for your behavior."
Karl: "I don't know what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants."
Susan: "What抯 that mean?"
Karl: "I fell in love."
Susan: "While you were married to someone else!"
Karl: "The heart wants what it wants."
Susan: "Yeah, well my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!"
He gets up and starts walking to the door.
Karl: "I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help."
He opens the door and walks back to his car. Susan follows, angry.
Susan: "You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you!"
Karl: "you're humiliating yourself!"
Susan: "No, you're the one who抯 been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me! I can walk down the street and hold my head high!"
She slams the passenger door she had opened.
Karl steps on the accelerator, driving off, pulling off the towel that Susan had accidentally got caught in the door.
Susan gasps in stark horror. She covers her chest and runs to her front door. It's locked. Desperate, she makes her way to a her front porch post and hides behind it. Seeing a potted plant next to the post, she grabs that as well to cover her up.
"As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan wracked her brain to find a way into her own house."
She takes the potted plant, and keeping it strategically placed in front of her, quickly dashes across her yard to a side porch. She tries the door there, but it, too, is locked. She puts down the plant and tries a window, which is locked. As she reaches over to try and push it open, she falls.
Susan: "Ahhh!"
"Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan this could be the most humiliating moment of her life."
Mike walks by and sees her there.
Mike: "Susan?"
"She was wrong."
Mike (eyes averted): "Uh, whatcha doing?"
Susan: "Locked myself out. Naked."
Mike: "Oh..."
Susan: "And, then I fell. So, how are you?"
Mike: "Good. Good. I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your messages about dinner. And, um, I, would love to come, if that invite still stands."
Susan: "It抯 a date!"
Mike: "All right. I, uh, assume the dress is casual."
Susan: "Yeah. It抯, it's casual."
Mike: "Hmmm."
He walks away.
Susan squeals in quiet embarrassment as she grabs part of the shrub and pulls it toward her, covering herself, too late.
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Outside Bree's House
It's nighttime, and Mike and Susan walk up the sidewalk to Bree's house.
Susan: "Thanks for helping me break in. Do you think it will be hard to replace that screen?"
Mike: "Well, it depends. If you nail it in yourself, you might want to wear gloves. Or pants..."
Mike knocks on the Van de Kamp door.
Mike: "Pants wouldn't hurt."
Susan: "Okay. I know what just happened is funny, in theory. But I'm nowhere near ready to laugh about it, so please, no jokes."
Mike gives a quick nod as the door opens to reveal Bree.
Bree: "Hey! Where've you two been?"
Mike: "Uh, Susan had a problem finding something to wear."
He smirks as Susan looks at him.
Mike: "Oh, was that the kind of thing you meant?"
Susan: "Pretty much."
They walk inside.
Lynette is on her cell phone, talking to Tom, as she pours herself a drink.
Lynette: "The kids are bouncing off the walls? Huh...well, I'm sure you can figure a way to put them to bed, Tom. I mean, for god sakes, Tom, they're just kids!"
Gabrielle is hobbling.
Susan: "Hey, are you okay?"
Gabrielle: "Yes. I, uh, went jogging today, and I think I just pushed myself too hard."
Susan: "Well, you're probably not wearing the right shoes."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, that thought did cross my mind."
Bree comes into the living room with a tray of appetizers. Carlos and Rex are talking in the corner of the room.
Carlos: "So Gabrielle says that you and Bree are taking lessons three times a week."
Rex: "Uh huh."
Carlos: "I'm actually thinking about playing again. I mean, it抯 such great exercise."
Rex: "Mmm. That it is."
Carlos: "And my drop shot could use a serious tune up. Think you could give me the number of your pro?"
Rex: "Yeah. I'll, uh, give it to you later."
Carlos: "Well what club does he work out of?"
Rex: "Uh. We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos."
Carlos: "you're not?"
Rex: "It抯 a story Bree concocted to cover the fact that we're seeing a marriage counselor."
Bree, standing less than five feet away from Rex, stares at him as she drops the platter of food into the floor.
Rex: "Bree! Bree."
Accusingly, she takes the glass of wine Rex was holding from him.
Rex: "He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro! (to the guests in the room): "Bree and I are in marriage counseling." (to Bree) "Everyone knows your secret now. Did, did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?"
Bree turns to the guests and smiles.
Bree: "If everybody would please take your seats. Dinner is served."
She shoots one last glare at Rex, and then turns away.
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Paul's House
The TV is quietly playing in the living room as Zach sleeps on the couch. A glass of water is next to several prescription pill bottles on the coffee table. Paul comes into the room. He smiles and puts a blanket over the sleeping Zach.
TV Reporter: "A grisly discovery was made today in Westbrook when a chest was found in Rockwater Lake, discovered by a local area businessman and his grandson while they were fishing. Investigators recovered a wooden chest containing what appears to be human remains. Now, a police spokesman says the body was--"
Paul turns off the TV. He puts down the remote, turns off the light by the couch, and leaves the room. Once he's gone, Zach opens his eyes and stares at the dark TV.
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Bree's House
Everyone is quiet around the dinner table as they eat.
Susan: "Okay, I've got to break the ice here. So you're in counseling. Big deal. You want humiliation, I'll give you humiliation. I locked myself out of my house, stark naked, and got caught by Mike."
She gives him a light shove when she says his name and he smiles ruefully.
Gabrielle: "Oh my God, when did this happen?"
Susan: "Today. Right before the party."
Mike: "What can I say? Right place, right time!"
Lynette: "I think I can top that. Try getting thrown out of Disneyland for lewd behavior."
Susan: "What? When was this?"
Lynette: "When Tom and I were first married, things got a little out of hand on Mr. Toad抯 Wild Ride."
Rex: "you're kidding."
Lynette: "No. We got perp walked down Main Street USA."
Everyone laughs, except for Bree, who watches Rex at the other end of the table as he laughs as everybody's stories.
Gabrielle: "Since we're doing true confessions, Carlos and I once broke a waterbed in Cancun."
Mike: "How'd you manage that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, he used to have a thing for spiked heels."
Carlos: "I'd just like to make it clear: she was wearing them."
Everyone laughs again and Rex, a glass of wine in his hand, laughs along with them.
Bree: "Rex cries after he ejaculates."
She stares at him smugly. The smile leaves his face. The rest of the guests don't know what to say. He wipes his mouth, then gets up and leaves. He slams the door. Bree goes back to eating and her guests follow suit.
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Outside
Mike and Susan walk slowly back to Susan's house.
Mike: "Think we left too early?"
Susan: "I was thinking we left too late."
Mike: "So is, um, Rex gone for good?"
Susan: "I don't know. God, I hope not! I mean, they've always been wound a little tight, but I've never seen 'em like that. Then again, who am I to judge?"
Mike: "You mean, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans?"
Susan: "Okay, you have got to know that I only get that angry around Karl. He just treated me so badly at the end. I haven't been able to get past it."
Mike: "Well, maybe he did you a big favor."
Susan: "What do you mean?"
Mike: "Well, just look of Karl as a starter marriage. Boot camp. Preparing you for something better next time."
She smiles at him.
Susan: "Listen Mike, about the whole seeing me naked thing, I, I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman."
Mike: "Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might have snuck a peek."
Susan: "Oh! Good night!"
Mike: "And for what it抯 worth, wow!"
He strolls away, looking back at her once while Susan grins.
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Lynette's House
Lynette wakes Tom, who's sleeping on the couch, by touching his face lightly with her hot pink dinner jacket.
Tom: "Hi!"
Lynette: "How was your night?"
Tom: "We are raising little terrorists. You know that, don't you?"
Lynette: "Oh! You didn't have a good time?"
Tom: "Okay. You know, drop the act! I know you gave them cookies."
Lynette: "Oh! Who cracked, anyway?"
Tom: "Porter. So how was your, uh, dinner party?"
Lynette: "Well, there was dinner, but it wasn't much of a party."
Tom: "Uh-oh. What happened?"
Lynette: "I don't know. Rex announced that he and Bree are in counseling. She retaliated with this whole revelation which I won't even go into now, and the bottom line is, he stormed out. Clearly there is trouble in paradise."
Tom: "Honestly, I'm not that surprised."
Lynette: "Why not?"
Tom: "I don't know. I just never got the idea that they were really happy."
He looks at some papers he had in his lap, and Lynette puts a juice box in the kitchen. She turns around.
Lynette: "Are we happy?"
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos trims his nose hairs while Gabrielle puts lotion on herself.
Carlos: "Man, oh, man, I keep seeing that look on Rex抯 face, and then him taking off like that? Hmm. Some night. But then again, I would probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman. I mean, you watch a man get torn down like that, it makes you wonder why he'd let her get away with it. Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, hmm, it would only happen once."
He walks off, leaving Gabrielle standing there, silent.
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Bree's House
The next morning, Bree packs a suitcase for Rex as Rex sits on the bed.
Bree: "So, uh, where will you be going?"
Rex: "I'll be staying at the Motor Lodge."
Bree: "The hotel by the interstate has better rates, and uh, it抯 closer to your work."
Rex: "Fine."
Bree: "I'm packing your swimsuit. There抯 a pool there, and I know how swimming relaxes you."
Rex: "When our kids ask where I am, what are you gonna say?"
Bree: "Um, I could tell them that you went to tennis camp."
There's a pause.
Bree: "That was a joke."
Rex: "Yeah. I got it."
Bree: "There. Obviously, if you've forgotten anything, you can, um, come right back and get it."
Rex: "Well, I'll call you."
Bree: "Rex. In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple. Everybody knew we were going to have this wonderful life. Why is this happening?"
Rex: "Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase."
He walks out, leaving Bree standing there. She turns, looking like she's going to cry. She stares down at the bed and makes an effort to get herself under control as she smoothes the bedspread.
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Outside Susan's House
Karl kisses Julie good bye and gets back into his car, with Brandi. Susan comes out of the house and goes to the car.
Susan: "Hey!"
Julie: "Where are you going?"
Susan: "Just a sec..."
Julie: "Mom?"
Susan: "Don't worry, I'm not packing heat!"
She opens the door to Karl's car.
Susan: "Hey, Brandi. Could you scoot a little? Just, scoot. Thank you. Hi."
Karl: "What are you doing?"
Susan: "I'll be quick. Brandi, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was uncalled for and childish and it won't happen again. I have built up a lot of anger towards you, both of you, and I realize now that I just can't carry that around anymore, so, apology or no apology, I'm moving on."
Susan smiles, then gets out of the car. As she walks up the sidewalk, Brandi calls to her.
Brandi: "Mrs Mayer!"
Brandi gets out of the car.
Karl: "Brandi. Brandi, get in the car."
Brandi: "Mrs. Mayer..."
Susan: "Please. Call me Susan."
Brandi: "I just wanted you to know what happened between me and Karl, things got out of hand, because I thought your marriage was over. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I really am."
Susan: "Thank you."
Brandi smiles and then goes back to the car. When she gets in the car, Karl leans forward to stare at Susan questioningly.
"And though it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she always wanted."
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Lynette's House
Lynette comes into the house, with bags in both hands and a small package clutched between her teeth. Tom bounds down the stairs, wearing a sombrero.
Tom: "Hey, let me take those!"
Lynette: "You're wearing a really big hat."
Tom: "Yes, I am. Listen, the kids are watching a video which means that we've got only about 45 minutes until they actually find Nemo. So I suggest that we make the most of it."
He drops lime slices into margaritas he's made.
Lynette: "By reliving your night out with the guys?"
Tom: "Lynette? I'm trying."
He holds out a margarita for her. She takes off her glasses and takes the glass.
Lynette: "You look ridiculous."
Tom: "Sexy ridiculous?"
Lynette: "Maybe."
Tom: "I can live."
He takes their glasses and put them on the table, then draws her close to dance. She moans contentedly.
Lynette: "You know, it抯 going to take more than just this one night."
Tom: "I know."
They dance some more.
Tom: "Ah. It looks like we have an audience."
Lynette turns around and sees the three boys, in their pajamas, watching them from the stairs, grinning.
Lynette: "Let 慹m look. As long as they don't try and cut in."
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Dr. Goldfine's Office
Dr. Goldfine puts a tape into a cabinet when there's knocking on his door. He turns around and Bree enters.
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, we're not scheduled now, are we?"
Bree: "I didn't have time to make an appointment. Rex moved out today."
Dr. Goldfine: "I'm very sorry to hear that, but unfortunately, I'm completely booked right now."
Bree takes a few steps around the desk, to stand closer.
Bree: "I don't need much time. It just seems that you have more insight into my situation than I do. And I just think that--"
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, we can't talk now."
Bree (eye to eye with Dr. Goldfine): "If you could just tell me what he told you, then I could fix the problem!"
Dr. Goldfine: "I can't do that. It抯 completely unethical."
Bree: "Well, why can't you--"
There's a sound, and they both turn to the door, where a small light flashes next to the door.
Dr. Goldfine: "That抯 my next appointment. You really need to go."
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine."
She puts her hands on his shoulders.
Bree: "Please."
Dr. Goldfine: "Hold on. I'll go and talk to my client."
He leaves her alone. She exhales, then looks around the room. She sees the open cabinet with the tapes in it. She looks behind her to make sure Dr. Goldfine hasn't come back, then opens up the cabinet.
"Bree searched for Rex抯 audio tape, hoping to find answers."
She sees Rex's name on a tape and begins to pull it out.
"She found answers all right, but to entirely different questions."
And then she finds labeled "Mary Alice Young". She removes it.
She hears a noise from the waiting room and jumps. She quickly closes the cabinet and picks up the tape she had dropped. She hides the tape underneath her sweater as Dr. Goldfine walks in.
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, I'm sorry, he can't wait. But, I can see you first thing in the morning, eight o'clock."
Bree: "Eight o'clock. Sorry to interrupt. Bye."
She leaves.
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Nighttime. Wisteria Lane
It's a quiet night on Wisteria Lane.
"Yes, I remember the world. Every detail. And what I remember the most is how afraid I was."
Bree sits by her bedroom window, looking at the tape she stole.
"What a waste! You see, to live in fear, is not to live at all."
Very faintly, a rhythmic sound of something wooden being hit is heard.
In Gabrielle's house, she lies awake in bed next to Carlos, who's sleeping. As she hears the noise, she gets up to look out the window.
"I wish I could tell this to those I left behind, but would it do any good? Probably not. I understand now, there will always be those who face their fears..."
At Susan's house, she looks at photos of her old life. When she hears the noise, she looks out the window as well.
"...and there will always be those who run away."
At Paul's house, Paul stands on the sidewalk, methodically pounding a "For Sale" sign into the grass on his lawn.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.04 - Who's That Woman?
Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Ms. Butters" - Mary Pat Gleason
"The Cable Guy" - John Haymes Newton
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Yoa Ling" - Lucille Soong
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Cashier" - Michelle Ewin
"Businessman" - Paul Hayes
"Reporter" - Tricia Nickell
"Andrew Buddy #1" - Eric Marquette
"Andrew Buddy #2" - Adam Weisman
Written by: Tom Spezialy & Marc Cherry
Directed by: Jeff Melman
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As Mary Alice does the voice over, the camera pans around a cluttered, messy house. On the coffee table are magazines, including a tabloid with Mary Alice's picture reading: "Inside the Suburban Suicide Mom!"
"When I was alive, I maintained many different identities: lover, wife, and ultimately, victim. Yes, labels are important to the living. They dictate how people see themselves."
It's Lynette's house. She bends down and picks up some clothing, looking tired.
"Like my friend, Lynette. She used to see herself as a career woman. And a hugely successful one at that. She was known for her power lunches..."
Lynette, yawning, feeds the baby her bottle.
"...her eye catching presentations..."
Lynette slaps a magnet on a crayoned drawing she's putting on the refrigerator.
"...and her ruthlessness in wiping out the competition."
Lynette sprays a glass cleaner on some windows and scrubs furiously at the hand prints smudging it.
"Lynette gave up her career to assume a new label: incredibly satisfying role of full-time mother."
The phone rings, interrupting Lynette, who's washing dishes. She goes over to answer it.
"Scavo residence. Yes, this is me." She sighs.
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Elementary School
Lynette walks down the hallway.
"But, unfortunately for Lynette, this new label frequently fell short of what was advertised."
Lynette comes upon Parker and Porter sitting outside of a classroom. They look up at her and each raise a hand in hello. Their hands and clothes are liberally splattered with blue paint. She goes inside of the classroom.
Lynette: "How in the world did they..."
Ms. Butters: "I left the door to the art supply cupboard open for five minutes. That's all."
Lynette: "Five minutes." She sits down. "The little girl. Why didn't she say anything?"
Ms. Butters: "Your boys work quickly."
Lynette: "Well, obviously, they will be punished for this. Severely."
Ms. Butters: "I hesitate bringing this up since you got so ugly about it last time."
Lynette: "They don't have attention deficit disorder. And I'm not going to drug my boys just to make your job easier. I'd rather change teachers." She stands up.
Ms. Butters: "The boys are in my class because I'm the only teacher who can handle them."
Lynette: "What if we separate the twins? Put them in different classes.
They're much calmer when they're not bouncing off one another."
Ms. Butters: "We can try that. But if it doesn't work, we may not longer be able to accommodate them."
Lynette leaves the classroom and begins walking down the hallway with the twins.
"It suddenly occurred to Lynette her label was about to change yet again. And for the next few years, she would be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue."
A little girl completely covered in blue paint walks by with her mother. The mother stares at Lynette accusingly.
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Credits
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Focus on a tape recorder that's on. The four women stand around it, listening to it.
"It looked to be an interesting afternoon on Wisteria Lane. A mysterious cassette tape had been discovered by my friend, Bree. She had stolen it from her marriage counselor. A counselor I had once spoken to in strictest confidence."
On the tape, Dr. Goldfine and Mary Alice speak.
Dr. Goldfine: "So, how have you been?"
Mary Alice: "I had the nightmare again."
Gabrielle interrupts. "It's so weird to hear Mary Alice."
Dr. Goldfine: "Still the same one."
Mary Alice: "Yes. But this time, I was standing in a river, and I saw the girl under the water. She kept screaming Angela over and over again.
Dr. Goldfine: "So what do you think the significance of the name Angela is?"
Mary Alice: "Actually, that's my real name."
Gabrielle reaches over and turns off the tape recorder.
Gabrielle: "Her real name?"
Bree nods.
Gabrielle: "That doesn't make any sense. I've seen her driver's license. It did not say Angela."
Susan: "Bree, what does it say on the rest of the tape?"
Bree: "Just more about her nightmares and this girl she was afraid of."
Gabrielle: "So what the hell do we do now?"
Susan looks past her and sees Paul watering his lawn. All of the woman turn to look. He waves and they wave back.
Susan: "I think we should show Paul the note."
Lynette: "Are you sure? He's gonna freak."
Bree: "Well, it's now or never. I mean, I saw what he's asking for the place. It's gonna sell quickly."
Gabrielle: "Can I say something? I'm glad Paul's moving."
Bree: (placing a hand over her heart in shock): "Gabby!"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. He's just always giving me the creeps. Haven't you guys noticed? He's got this dark thing going on. There's something about him that just feels..."
Lynette: "Malignant?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
Susan: "We've all sort of felt it."
They watch him continue watering his lawn.
Bree: "That being said, I do love what he's done with that lawn."
The women look at her.
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Susan's House
Susan is standing at the kitchen sink, absent-mindedly washing a plate, while staring out the window.
Julie comes over and looks out the window to see what Susan's looking at. It's Mike, shirtless and sweaty, tending to his lawn. Julie looks at the dish that Susan's washing.
Julie: "Mom, the dish is clean."
Susan: "Huh? Oh."
Julie: "I still don't understand why you don't just ask him out on an official date date!"
Susan: "Oh, I'm trying a new strategy. I'm playing hard to get."
Julie: "How long do you think you can keep that up?"
Susan: "Oh, maybe until noon. Then I'm gonna have to run over there and beg him to love me."
Julie laughs, then looks out the window in the other direction. "Uh, mom. I don't think you're gonna be able to wait that long."
Susan follows her gaze to where Edie is washing her car, wearing very short shirts and a revealing white top.
Susan: "You've got to be kidding. She washed her car yesterday!"
As Edie washes, she glances over at Mike, who glances back. She takes the sponge she's using and squeezes the water from it over her chest and Susan can't believe it.
Susan: "Oh, no, she's not."
Mike stops working to watch.
Susan: "Yep. She's bringing out the big guns."
Julie: "You better get over there. She's wearing cotton."
She walks over to a drawer and pulls out an envelope.
Susan: "What am I supposed to say to Mike? I saw you half naked and thought I'd drop by?"
Julie hands Susan the note.
Susan: "What's that?"
Julie: "A piece of Mike's junk mail we got by mistake. I held onto it in case of an emergency."
Susan is thrilled. "God bless you!"
She kisses Julie and rushes out the door.
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Susan crosses her lawn to go to Mike, looking over at Edie as she does so.
She comes up to Mike.
Susan: "Hi."
Mike: "Hey, Susan."
Susan: "I, uh, got this by mistake."
Mike"Oh, thanks." He opens it.
Susan: "I hope it's not important."
Mike"Oh, not, it's just a promotion for the Realto. They're having a film festival."
Susan: "Oh."
Edie watches them.
Susan"Well, guess I've done my good deed for the day. I'll just head back home. Bye." She turns to go and walks a few steps.
Mike: "Hey, you like old movies?"
Susan: "I love old movies."
As they talk, Edie, annoyed, throws her sponge into the bucket of water by her feet and walks off into Mrs. Huber's house, where she's staying.
Edie: "I hate Susan Mayer. Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers,
I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer."
Mrs. Huber's eyes light up. "What has she done this time?"
Edie: "She is out there throwing herself at Mike Delfino. Again."
Mrs. Huber: "Susan likes Mike?"
Edie: "Where the hell have you been, Martha? She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in."
Edie walks away and Mrs. Huber looks thoughtfully out the window.
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Elementary School
Lynette comes running down the hallway of the twins' school, ending up at the twins' teacher, who's standing outside the classroom.
Lynette: "I got your message. What's going on?"
Ms. Butters: "The boys refuse to be separated."
Lynette: "They refuse? They're six years old. Make them."
Ms. Butters: "Well, school regulations are pretty strict about me wrestling with the boys. But if you want to give it a shot, be my guest."
Lynette: "Fine."
She walks around the teacher to go inside the classroom, and then stops and turns around.
Lynette: "Oh. Which one goes and which one stays?"
Ms. Butters: "You pick."
Lynette opens the classroom door and Ms. Butters listens from outside. Screaming and shouting can be heard from within. Ms. Butters opens up the door and peeks in.
One twin is holding onto a table while Lynette grabs him by the feet, pulling. The other twin is on the other side of the table, trying to prevent Lynette from pulling it.
Ms. Butters smiles. "Ooh!"
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Gabrielle's Bathroom
Gabrielle and John are in a bubble bath together. She squeezes some water over his back with a washcloth.
Gabrielle: "I love taking baths. Especially with you. It's like taking a vacation from the world."
John: "I hated taking baths when I was a kid. Course back then, the only thing I had to play with was my rubber ducky."
He leans back, turning slightly, and he leans in to kiss her. Right before they can, the doorbell rings and John gets nervous.
John: "Who's that?" He gets out of the tub and begins putting on his clothes. "It's Mr. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Relax! Carlos is at work. And he doesn't ring the doorbell."
She gets out more casually and puts on a bathrobe. She looks out the window and calls to John.
Gabrielle: "It's the cable guy. He's three hours late. Use the side entrance."
John finishes getting dressed quickly and rushes out the door.
"Gabrielle knew her vacation from the world had ended. What she didn't know was John had left behind a souvenir."
Underneath the bed, a lone sock of John's lies there.
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Bree's Home
Danielle and Andrew come home.
Danielle: "I'm telling you. Dad didn't come home last night. They had a fight. A bad one."
Andrew: "How bad?"
Danielle: "Like, divorce court bad."
They hear Bree humming and through a small opening into the dining room, see her setting up dinner candles.
Danielle: "Listen to her. She always overcompensates when she's worried."
Andrew: "Dad moves out and leaves us with her...I'll lose my mind."
Bree opens the door from the dining room, smiling.
Bree: "Dinner is on the table."
Andrew: "Mom, where'd dad go last night?"
Bree: "He got a last minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia. Take your seats."
On the table is a huge fancy meal, with a freshly-cooked turkey in the middle of the table.
Danielle: "This marriage is so over."
Andrew nods. He then turns and walks out the front door.
Bree: "Andrew?"
He slams out of the door.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle begins putting away the remnants of her bubble bath as the cable guy is there.
The Cable Guy: "Again, sorry I was late. The schedule overbooked me."
Gabrielle: "How long are you going to be?"
The Cable Guy: "Almost done. What is that scent? Is that sage and citrus?" He looks at the candle she's holding in her hands. "It's amazing."
Gabrielle: "Try to hurry. I have stuff to do."
He walks over to the wall and pulls on a cable cord, yanking at it. He suddenly loses his balance and falls on his back, having slipped on the bubble bath.
Gabrielle is shocked.
Later, the cable guy is strapped to a gurney by paramedics as Gabrielle watches. Carlos comes up to her.
Carlos: "What's happening?"
Gabrielle: "The cable guy fell. He hit his head on the tub. He may have a concussion."
Carlos: "It's almost eight."
Gabrielle: "He was late."
She walks out with Carlos looking at her. He sniffs and looks at the lit candles around the bathtub and the bubble bath in the tub.
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Susan's House
Susan opens her front door to find Mrs. Huber standing there with a pie in her hands.
Susan: "Mrs. Huber!"
Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Susan. I made you a pie."
Susan: "Oh. Wow. Why?"
Mrs. Huber: "Do I need a motive to do something nice?"
Susan shrugs.
In Susan's kitchen, Mrs. Huber is delicately cutting the pie.
Mrs. Huber: "I can't wait for you to try this. It's mincemeat."
Susan: "Actually, I just had dinner."
Mrs. Huber: "That's okay. You can save it for later."
She licks some off of her fingers and chuckles to herself.
Susan: "What's so funny?"
Mrs. Huber: "I was just thinking of that expression: I'll make mincemeat out of you. Mincemeat. It used to be an entree made up of mostly chopped meat, so it was like saying 'I'll chop you up into little bits.'" She chuckles. "But that was centuries ago. Today, mincemeat is mostly made up of fruit, spices, and rum. There's no meat in it. And still people say I'll make mincemeat out of you."
Susan: "I don't know that people really say that anymore."
Mrs. Huber: "I do. So, Susan. How are you?"
Susan: "I'm fine."
Mrs. Huber: "Good. You know, I have a confession to make. I've always wished I'd have been more supportive when Carl left you."
Susan: "Oh, you don't have to apologize about Carl. Really, Carl and I are over. I've moved on."
Mrs. Huber: "Yes, I know. You've moved on to that nice Mike Delfino.
He's quite a catch, isn't he? You like him don't you?"
Susan: "Uh, sure. As a friend."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Susan. Being coy is a strategy best employed by virgins at their first dance. For women of our age, it's just annoying. Are you sure you don't want pie?"
Susan: "No, thank you."
Mrs. Huber: I" hope it works out with you and Mike. You've been so desperate to land him."
Susan: "I am not desperate."
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, good Lord, Susan. You burned your rival's house down. If that isn't desperate, I don't know what is."
Susan: "Mrs. Huber, with all due respect, you're crazy."
Mrs. Huber puts down the knife she had been using to transfer the pie to a plate and reaches into her purse, pulling out the charred measuring cup she found in the ruins of Edie's burnt house.
She places it on the table in front of Susan.
Susan: "What's that?"
Mrs. Huber: "I think you recognize it. I found it in the ruins of Edie's home."
Susan: "Well, that's not ---"
Mrs. Huber: "Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. My point is this. I wasn't there for you when Carl left, but I'm here for you now. As far as I'm concerned, this is our secret. And no one ever need know. Oh, Susan. You don't know how good it feels to finally be able to help you. You look so pale. Now. I insist you try some of my pie."
She puts some on a fork and brings it near Susan, who automatically opens her mouth for Mrs. Huber to insert the pie.
Mrs. Huber: "Go on. Did I mention it's mincemeat?"
Susan swallows the pie with an audible gulp.
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Bree's House
Bree stands in front of her son's door and knocks on it.
Bree: "Open the door, please."
Andrew: "Hang on."
He opens it.
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "May I come in?"
Andrew: "No."
Bree: "Well, I want to talk to you."
Andrew: "Then, talk."
Bree: "Where were you last night?"
Andrew: "Brian's."
Bree: "I just spoke to Brian's mother. Now tell me again where you were last night and this time don't lie to me."
Andrew: "Where'd you say Dad was again? In Philadelphia?"
Bree: "Andrew, don't change the subject."
Andrew: "I'm sorry. I thought the subject was telling lies. I called Dad's cell phone. I know he moved out."
Bree: "Well, it's just temporary and...I thought it would upset you, so I was protecting you."
Andrew: "Whatever. You lied, so stop pretending like you have some sort of moral authority."
Bree: "Andrew, just because I chose not to share my marital problems with you does not give you the right to be rude."
Andrew: "How about driving my father away? Do I get to be rude then?"
He shuts the door in her face.
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos is getting dressed in the bedroom by the bed while Gabrielle is in the bathroom. He drops his tie clip and gets on his hands and knees to look for it. While on the floor, he sees John's sock underneath the bed. He picks it up and stands up. As he looks at it, Gabrielle notices and quickly walks away to the laundry basket, where she grabs some clothing and rushes downstairs. She heads to the washer and throws the clothing there and rushes back. Carlos meets her at the edge of the stairs, looking suspicious.
Gabrielle: "Hi."
Carlos: "What's this?"
Gabrielle: "It's a sock."
Carlos: "It's a man's sock. I found it under our bed. It's not mine."
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God's sake, Carlos. It's Yoa Ling's.
Carlos: "Our maid wears size 13 gym socks?"
Gabrielle: "No, she dusts with them."
Carlos doesn't look convinced, so Gabrielle gestures for him to follow her and then grabs his hand, pulling him with her. She goes to the laundry closet and opens it up, where she threw the clothing before.
Gabrielle: "See? Socks instead of rags."
Carlos walks away and Gabrielle closes the laundry closet and leans against it, closing her eyes.
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Grocery Store
Susan begins putting her groceries on the conveyer belt.
Mrs. Huber walks up behind her.
Mrs. Huber: "Susan! Hello!"
Susan: "Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Did you and Mike come together? I saw him in the fresh produce aisle."
Susan: "No, like I told you before, we're just friends. By the way, if I didn't make it clear yesterday, I absolutely did not do that thing you accused me of."
Mike comes up.
Mike: "Hey, Susan! Hey, Ms. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Nice to see you, Mike."
She walks out of the way.
Mike: "Hey. You like Alfred Hitchcock? They're doing a retrospective down at the Realto."
Susan looks over at Mrs. Huber, who gives her a knowing look.
Susan: "Uh, I'm not really a fan."
Mike: "Oh, c'mon. How can you not like Hitchcock?"
Susan: "I just, uh, don't."
Mike: "Oh. Okay. Well, uh, nice to see you. You, too, Ms. Huber."
He walks away.
Mrs. Huber: "You're so silly. Pretending not to like him on my account, I mean, really."
Susan: "Will you just drop it?"
Mrs. Huber: "You shouldn't be rude to me. Your secret is not an easy burden to bear. That insurance company is putting Edie through hell, and still I've said nothing."
Susan: "Well -"
Mrs. Huber: "The longer it takes for her to get payment, the longer
she'll be staying with me, eating me out of house and home, using up my hot water."
Susan: "What exactly is it you want from me, Mrs. Huber?"
Mrs. Huber removes the plastic rod separating their grocery items in the checkout lane.
The checkout girl asks them, "Are these together?"
After a long pause, Susan says, "Ring it up."
Mrs. Huber smiles and begins putting her full load of groceries on the belt.
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Lynette's House
Bree's sits at the kitchen table as Lynette pours her a cup of coffee.
Bree: "If the school and the pediatrician both think the twins could stand to be medicated, then what's the problem?"
Lynette: "I used to run a company with eighty-five people and now I can't wrangle three some boys without doping them? Talk about feeling like a failure."
Bree: "Lynette, you are a great mother, but let's face it. Your kids are...a challenge."
Lynette: "Thank you. That's the nicest way you could have said that. You know, the truth is, when they're not making me want to tear my hair out, they're actually really sweet. I'm afraid if I change the bad stuff, I'm gonna change the good stuff."
Bree: "It's a tough call."
Lynette: "Like this mug. I love this mug. If I medicate them, are they still gonna make me a mug like this?"
Bree: "You know, it's leaking."
Lynette: "Yeah. I know."
Susan and Gabrielle walk in.
Susan: "We talked to Paul. We told him we need to show him something."
Gabrielle: "He's on his way over."
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Later
Susan: "So Paul, we noticed that you're selling the house."
Paul: "Yes. Too many painful memories. I'm sure you understand."
Susan: "Well, before you move, we thought there was something you should know."
Lynette: "It seems there may be more to Mary Alice's death than you were aware of."
Paul: "Oh?"
Gabrielle: "Remember when you asked us to pack her things? Well, when we did, we found a note."
Bree: "And we think that you should have it."
Susan: "You can see from the postmark, Mary Alice probably got it the day she died."
Susan passes over the note and Paul opens it and reads it. Suddenly, he breaks down, crying. The women don't know what to do.
Susan: "Paul, are you going to be okay?"
Paul: "No."
He gets up and leaves, taking the note with him.
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos comes down the stairs, and notices Yoa Ling cleaning the banister with a sock. He looks over at Gabrielle doing her yoga then turns back to Yoa Ling.
Carlos: "Have you always cleaned with socks?"
Gabrielle looks over from where she's doing her yoga.
Yoa: "Yes."
Carlos: "What, is that a Japanese thing?"
Yoa: "I am Chinese."
Carlos leaves. Gabrielle goes up the stairs.
Yoa: "I don't like lying."
Gabrielle: "Yeah? Well, I don't like your ironing. So there."
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Soccer Field
John notices Gabrielle standing behind a tree. She motions him over.
John: "Mrs. Solis. What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle takes the sock out of her purse. "Carlos found this under the bed."
John: "Oh, crap."
Gabrielle: "It's okay. It was a close call, but I managed to cover. I got you these [she pulls sandals out of her bag]. So from now on, we can't let Carlos see you around the house wearing anything resembling a gym sock."
John: "You want me to mow your lawn in sandals? I could lose a toe."
Gabrielle: "Imagine what you could lose if Carlos finds out you're trimming more than the hedges."
She peeks around him to see some of John's teammates watching them.
Gabrielle: "Why are your friends staring at me? Did you tell them about us?"
John: "No! They're staring because they think you're hot."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Okay!"
She waves at them, then walks off.
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Bree's House
Bree: "It's 9:30. What is your brother thinking?"
Danielle: "Want my advice? Call dad. Go tell him to kick Andrew's ass."
Bree: "I am perfectly capable of handling this without your father."
Danielle: "Sorry."
Bree: "Where's your cell phone? Call Andrew and find out where he is."
Danielle: "Mom, he's gonna know you're behind this."
Bree: "No, he won't. Just act normal."
Danielle calls.
Danielle: "Hey. It's me. Uh, what's going on?" She holds out the phone to Bree. "He knows."
Bree throws down the sponge she was cleaning with and takes the phone.
Bree: "Andrew. This is your mother. I am rapidly reaching the end of my patience with you. Where are you? Are you at a bar? Andrew! Andrew?"
Danielle: "Mom?"
Bree: "He hung up on me!"
Danielle: "What are you going to do?"
Bree stalks off to Andrews room. She tears down the "Keep Out" sign on the front of his door and tries the doorknob. It's locked. She kicks in the door and storms in.
She looks around and begins going through his clothing and bags. In a drawer, she finds a small box, inside of which is a box of matches to a place called "Topsy Turvey."
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Topsy Turvey
Strippers are swinging around poles while men watch. A waitress places a beer in front of Andrew and his two friends.
The woman dancing on stage tosses an article of clothing out to the audience, and Bree catches it. Andrew's friend turns and sees Bree, choking on his drink.
Bree: "Keith. Ian. Andrew."
Andrew: "Mom, how did you even know I was here?"
Bree shows him the matchbook.
Andrew: "You went in my room?"
Bree: "You think that's bad? Tomorrow morning I'm cleaning it. Oh, by the way, Keith. I didn't get a chance to tell you. That was a lovely solo last week at church."
Keith: "Thank you. We're out of here."
Keith and Ian leave.
Bree: "I hope it wasn't something I said. Well, Andrew? Shall we?"
Andrew: "You just humiliated me in front of my friends. I'm not going anywhere with you."
Bree: "Fine."
She sits down.
Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "I'm staying for the show. I'm dying to see what all the fuss is about. Excuse me, waitress? I'll have a glass of your house chardonnay. I'm curious, Andrew. As you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop and think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her.
Dreams that did not include a thong and a pole."
Andrew: "It's not gonna work. Okay? I'm not pledging."
Bree: "God only knows what she's had to deal with in her life. Abject poverty, drugs, domestic violence, maybe even molestation!"
Andrew: "Mom!"
Bree: "And now, she treats herself like other men treat her. Like an object. A piece of meat."
The man next to Bree looks exasperated.
Man: "That does it. Kid, get her out of here. She's killing it for the rest of us."
Andrew gets up and Bree follows. The man raises his glass to them leaving.
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Susan's phone rings and she lets the machine get it.
Mrs. Huber: "It's Mrs. Huber, Susan. Are you there? I can see your lights are on. I hope you're not screening, that's so tacky. Listen, I need to talk to you. My water heater just burst and it's gonna cost me $600 to get a new one. And I can't afford that. I'm just beside myself. Call me as soon as you get in."
Susan sits down, disbelieving.
She goes into Julie's room, where she's sleeping. She turns on the light and sits on the bed.
Susan: "Julie? Julie, honey, wake up. We need to talk."
Julie: "Can't this wait until morning?"
Susan: "I think I'm being blackmailed."
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In their kitchen, Julie drinks from a mug as Susan paces.
Susan: "And when I realized I couldn't put out the fire, I ran. I must have dropped the measuring cup in the process."
Julie: "Why do I even let you out of the house?"
Susan: "Obviously, I can't let her get away with this. The only thing to do is go to the police and tell them what happened."
Julie: "You can't do that!"
Susan: "Julie, I don't think they'll throw me in jail. I mean, it was an accident."
Julie: "Dad won't care if it was an accident. You know he'll just use this as an excuse to reopen custody. Mom, I don't want to live with dad."
Susan: "I know."
She hugs Julie.
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Outside Gabrielle's House
John mows the lawn wearing the sandals. Carlos comes up to him, motioning for him to turn off the lawn mower.
Carlos: "I need to talk to you."
John: "Cool. Sure."
Carlos: "You worked on Tuesday, right?"
John: "Yeah."
Carlos: "You remember the cable guy showing up? And you usually work until what time, five?"
John: "Yeah."
Carlos: "That means he was in the house for four hours."
John: "Wait, um, you know, now that I think about it, I might not have seen him."
Carlos: "Well, either you saw him or you didn't. Which is it?"
John: "I didn't."
Carlos: "John? Did my wife ask you to lie for her?"
John: "Mr. Solis, uh, I really don't want to get in the middle of anything."
Carlos: "Thank you. It's all I needed to know."
John sighs.
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Susan's Kitchen
Susan: "Okay, let's run through it one more time."
Julie: "Mom, it's not brain surgery. You'll stand guard while I crawl through Mrs. Huber's doggy door. Once inside, I'll find the measuring cup. Simple."
Susan: "Oh, god. I hate that I'm turning you into a little thief."
Julie: "It's our measuring cup. We're just taking back what's ours."
Susan: "Hey, that's right. Ethically, we have nothing to be ashamed about. Oh, wear these. [she picks up rubber gloves] I don't want you to leave fingerprints."
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Outside
Julie and Susan watch from behind a tree as Mrs. Huber drives away.
Susan: "There she goes. Okay, move."
They run out on the street, tossing a Frisbee between the two of them.
Susan: "Oh, so glad we're playing Frisbee again. Here you go. Coming at ya. Ha ha ha. All right. Back up a little more. There you go. Whoo! All right. Here we go."
She tosses the Frisbee over Mrs. Huber's roof into the backyard.
Susan: "Oh, my! Whoops! You better go get that. Yeah."
Julie runs into the backyard while Susan waits.
Mike comes jogging up.
Susan: "Mike!"
Mike: "Hey, Susan, I thought that was you."
Susan: "Uh, yeah, Julie and I are just out tossing the Frisbee around and it flew off into Mrs. Huber's back yard."
Mike: "Oh, you need some help?"
Susan: "No, no, no, no. Julie's got it."
Mike: "Okay. Actually, I'm glad I ran into you. I just wanted to make sure things were okay between us. the other day, you seemed kind of distance."
Susan is distracted and not paying full attention as she looks at Mrs.
Huber's house.
Susan: "Distant? What do you mean?"
Mike: I mean, you're not mad at me for some reason are you?"
Susan: "No! No, no, not at all."
Mike: "Good. Cause I'm gonna take one more shot at this. I've got tickets to a Billy Wilder retrospective Wednesday night. I'd love to take you with me."
Susan: "You are so sweet. I would love to go."
Mike: "All right!"
Edie pulls up in her car.
Susan: "Edie! I thought you'd be at work."
Edie: "I'm not feeling well. I got a sunburn the other day washing my car."
Susan: "Well, don't just run off. Come and hang out with us."
Edie: "Boy, you are one sick ticket."
Susan: "What?"
Edie: "It's not bad enough I have to watch you throw yourself at him every day? And now you want to make sure that I see it up close and personal?"
Susan: "No, it's not like that."
Mike: "I've gotta take off. But I'll call you about Wednesday night, okay?"
Edie rolls her eyes and turns back to the house.
Susan: "Edie, wait! Uh... Mike and I were gonna go see the movies on Wednesday and I just thought it would be fun if you'd join us."
Edie: "You want me to come with you."
Susan: "Yeah. Yeah, that's okay, isn't it Mike?"
Mike: "Well, it's uh, a limited engagement and it's sold out. I only got two tickets."
Edie looks annoyed and walks toward her front door again.
Susan: "Edie, wait! Um, you should take my ticket."
She smiles and looks at Mike.
Edie: "Really? Is that okay with you, Mike?"
Mike: "Uh, yeah, sure."
Edie: "So, um, what time do you want to pick me up?"
Mike: "Well, um..."
As they talk, Susan looks off to the side, where Julie emerges quietly. She has the measuring cup hidden behind the Frisbee she's holding.
Susan breathes a sigh of relief as Julie walks off.
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Cable Guy's House
The cable guy is in his living room, wearing an arm sling and a neck brace. Someone knocks on the door.
He calls out, "Hang on."
He opens the door. It's Carlos, who punches him immediately. The cable guy falls on the floor and Carlos kicks him.
Carlos: "You think you can have sex with anyone you want? Huh?"
"Carlos couldn't help but feel proud of himself. After all, he just defended his honor. Or had he?"
Carlos looks around, noticing on the wall a poster for the Broadway show, "Gypsy," framed pictures of half-naked men and, on the coffee table, a framed picture of the cable guy in the arms of another man.
Carlos: "Are you gay?"
The Cable Guy: "Yes. Is that why you're doing this?"
Carlos: "Uh, yeah."
Carlos leaves, slamming the door behind him.
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Lynette and Gabrielle are coming slowly down the sidewalk from Lynette's house when Paul stops them.
Paul: "Ladies."
Lynette: "Hey, Paul. What's up?"
Paul: "I wanted to apologize for my outburst yesterday."
Lynette: "Don't worry about it. We unloaded a lot on you."
Paul: "I suppose you're wondering why I reacted so violently to that note."
Gabrielle: "It did cross our minds."
Paul: "Well, the truth is, Mary Alice was not a well person. She was very troubled."
Lynette: "Troubled?"
Paul: "At first, it was harmless. She would leave herself notes. Reminders like pick up the milk, or Zach has a dentist appointment. But over time, the notes became ugly. Hateful messages began showing up. Mary Alice was writing them, to me, to Zach, to herself."
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Paul: "That's why I lost it. I was reminded of what Zach and I had been through."
Lynette: "Paul, I'm so sorry."
Gabrielle: "We had no idea."
Lynette: "No."
Paul: "Well, anyway. I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourselves."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Paul: "For Zach's sake."
Lynette: "Of course. Of course."
He walks off.
Gabrielle: "Wow."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "I think he's lying."
Lynette: "So do I."
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Lynette's House
Focus on various framed newspaper articles. The headlines read: "Scavo Promoted to Vice President," "What's Next for Whiz Kid Lynette Scavo?" and "Scavo Awarded Woman of the Year."
Lynette is looking at them as she hears her twins playing. They run around the house with toy airplanes. Lynette gets up and calls the boys into the kitchen. One of the twins complains that the other broke his plane. The other twin denies it.
Lynette: "We'll talk about that later. Right now, I need you to take some medicine."
Twin: "Are we sick?"
Lynette: "Not exactly. This is a special kind of medicine. It's, it's like a vitamin and you'll take it everyday, okay?"
She tries to open the vial of pills and they spill out everywhere. She tells the boys to stay right there and she bends down to pick them up. When she straightens, they're gone. She hears giggling, and looks underneath the table, where the boys are sitting there.
Lynette: "Now open up."
Twin: "Mmm mm."
Lynette: "Here you -- guys!"
She holds the pill out in front of each of the boys' mouths, but they refuse to take it. She gives up and smiles.
"In that moment, Lynette made a decision. When it came to dealing with her children, medication was no longer an option."
Lynette puts the pills back in the vial and hugs the boys. Later, as she watches them jump from the couch onto a pile of pillows, she sits at the table, drinking from a bottle of wine.
"Of course, given her continuing level of frustration, Lynette also felt a little self medication couldn't hurt."
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Bree's House - Andrew's Room
Bree is cleaning Andrew's room while he lies on his bed.
Bree: "So what's your strategy? You're just never gonna speak to me again?"
Andrew: "Something like that."
Bree: "I suppose I do owe you an apology."
Andrew: "Careful. I wouldn't want you to strain yourself."
Bree: "I shouldn't have lied to you about your father. You and sister are old enough to handle the truth and I'm sorry."
Andrew: "Keep going. I'm mad at you for about seven thousand other things."
Bree: "If you think I'm going to apologize for taking you out of a strip club, you're wrong. I consider it one of my finest moments."
He snorts.
Bree: "Oh, Andrew. I know you blame me for what's happening with your father, but it's not entirely my fault and I need you to understand that."
Andrew: "I do. I just don't want him to leave."
Bree: "Neither do I."
Andrew: "Mom?"
Bree: "Yeah."
Andrew: "When can I have my door back."
Bree: "Three months."
He groans.
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Gabrielle's Bathroom
On the TV, a news reporter stands in front of the cable guy's house. The headline on the screen reads: "Gay Rights Advocate Victim of Hate Crime"
Reporter: "Royal Oaks was the scene of a hate crime today when Jonathan Lithgow, local gay activist and part-time female impersonator was brutally attacked in his home. Lithgow speculated the attack was in response to his efforts to secure same-sex partner insurance coverage from his employer, Clifside Cable.
Carlos and Gabrielle are in a bubble bath together, watching the news. As Carlos plays with her hair, Gabrielle begins to get suspicious.
Reporter: "Police are circulating this sketch of the assailant."
The Cable Guy: "I have to say uh, you know, circumstances speak for themselves. I've taken a strong stance with my company."
As he talks, Gabrielle looks shocked.
Carlos: "Is there something you want to ask me?"
Gabrielle: "No."
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Outside, nighttime
That evening, Mrs. Huber walks up to Susan, who's sitting on her own front porch.
Mrs. Huber: "You took it, didn't you?"
Susan: "Good evening, Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "It's my own fault for not hiding the cup. Obviously, if you're capable of arson, I should have known you'd be capable of breaking and entering."
Susan: "I don't know what you're talking about Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "I suppose you destroyed it."
Susan: "Again, I don't know what you're talking about, but yeah. I did."
Mrs. Huber: "I was going to keep your secret. It's a shame you couldn't trust me."
Susan: "You're a piece of work. You know that?"
Mrs. Huber: "Oh, Susan. Let's not be unpleasant. We can go back to the same friendly relationship we've always had."
Susan: "I will keep my lawn looking nice. And I will make sure that my music isn't played too loud, and if I get some of your mail, heck, I'll run it right over. Cause that's what good neighbors do. But from now on, when I run into you in the street and I say good morning, Mrs. Huber, or how are you, Mrs. Huber, just know, that inside, I am quietly, but decidedly hating your guts."
Mrs. Huber: "Careful, dear. Let's not say things we'll live to regret."
Susan: "Good evening, Mrs. Huber."
Mrs. Huber turns and leaves with Susan watching.
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The four woman are seated around a table.
Susan: "He actually said Mary Alice was crazy?"
Lynette: "Not in so many words. But everything Paul said certainly made it seem like she was schizophrenic."
Gabrielle: "I think he's hiding something. I know it."
Bree: "Wait. What about the tape? I mean, she did say that her name was Angela."
Lynette: "Mary Alice was not crazy."
Bree: "Well, my father was a prosecutor and he always said that the simplest explanation was usually the right one."
Susan: "But remember what the note said? I know what you did. It makes me sick and I'm going to tell. That's not the kind of thing someone writes to themselves. It's a message. Sent by an enemy."
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Paul's House
In a darkened house, a detective sits at a table and looks at the note that Paul had. Paul walks slowly to the window to look out.
Detective: "So, exactly what is it you hired me to do?"
Paul: "It's very simple, really. Someone sent that note to my wife. And I need to know who."
"What type of person would send such a note? Was it an enemy? Of course. But what kind? An acquaintance? A stranger? Or how about a neighbor that lives a few feet away."
~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.05 - Come In, Stranger
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Mama Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Man" - Bob Gunton
"Officer Rick Thompson" - Steven Eckholdt
"Mr. Lenz - Harry S. Murphy
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Shonda" - Shania Accius
"Patrolman" - Mark Brady
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Saleswoman" - Laura Milby
"Mrs. Frome" - Betty Murphy
"Helen Vale" - Lorna Scott
"Bob Fisk" - Cheyenne Wilbur
Written by: Alexandra Cunningham
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
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A woman walks to her mailbox, smiling at a passing bicylist.
"Every neighborhood has a woman like Alberta Frome. And every woman like Mrs. Frome has a cat. When she traveled, Mrs. From would arrange for friends to look after her beloved cat. This time however, she was forced to ask her neighbor, Susan Mayer. Mrs. Frome liked Susan. But it was common knowledge on Wisteria Lane: where Susan Mayer went, bad luck was sure to follow. Her misfortunes ranged from the commonplace..."
Susan backs up her car, knocking down the trashcan.
"to the unusual..."
Susan is at party, talking, when she leans against a table. It collapses, and she with it, landing face first in the cake that was on the table.
"to the truly bizarre."
Susan puts birdseed in a bird feeder in her front lawn and a bird starts flying around her hair, refusing to leave.
"As she waved good bye, she worried that Susan's streak of bad luck would continue. For that matter, so did her cat."
At night, Susan and Julie enter Mrs. Frome's house.
Susan: "Mr. Whiskers!"
Julie: "Kitty"
Susan: "Dinnertime!"
Julie: "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Susan walks around the kitchen counter and notices that drawers are open.
Susan: "That's weird. Cats can't open drawers can they?"
Julie: "Are you sure you didn't leave them open this morning?"
Susan: "No, why?"
Julie: "Wow. Do you think somebody broke in?"
At the same time, they both notice a screwdriver lying on the counter. They stare at it, then start calling the cat's name frantically.
As they walk off, a door off to the kitchen opens, and a man walks out. His face is in the shadows. He slips out the front door quietly, with Mr. Whiskers following him. A few seconds later, the door opens again and Mr. Whiskers is placed back inside of the house.
"Though she didn't know it at the time, Susan's luck had finally started to change."
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Credits
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"News that an intruder had breached the security of Wisteria Lane had spread like wildfire. At a neighborhood watch meeting the next night, residents voiced their concerns over the increasing dangers their community faced.
Mrs. Ida Greenberg announced someone was looking through her bathroom window whenever she took a shower. Bob Fisk warned those present that an unnamed government agency was listening in on their phone conversations. Helen Vale spoke of a ruthless local teenage gang that had egged her minivan."
A handsome policeman stands in front of a group of neighbors, giving safety advice.
"The evening concluded with Officer Thompson offering safety tips and a plan of action."
As Office Thompson speaks, Susan turns in her chair to find Mike. She sees him and waves. He nods back, stone-faced. She turns back around.
Officer Thompson: "But opportunity, you have some control over. So you can sign up for either daily or nightly patrols. I know that might seem like overkill, but I guarantee, regular surveillance will deter even the most determined criminal. Are there any other questions? All right, then. Let's be careful out there."
Everyone claps.
Susan goes up to Office Thompson.
Susan: "Actually, I do have a question. Do you have a second?"
Office Thompson: "Sure. How can I help?"
Susan: "Um, I'm the one who discovered the break-in and I think I found some evidence."
Office Thompson: "Evidence?"
Susan: "I think this is a screwdriver left behind by the burgeler."
She hands him the screwdriver in a plastic bag.
Susan: "And I didn't touch it."
Office Thompson: "Why didn't you give this to the investigating officers?"
Susan: "I tried and they sort of laughed at me because apparently nothing was taken from Mrs. Frome's house."
Office Thompson: "Well, I apologize for that. That was totally unprofessional."
Susan: "Thank you. So you think it should be dusted for prints?"
Office Thompson: "Yes. And I'll make sure it gets done."
Susan: "Great."
Mike looks over at them as they talk, not happy.
Susan leaves and Officer Thompson watches her go, with a smile on his face.
Later, the women help clean up as Lynette sees the last neighbor out. Her twins are hitting each other with pillows on the couch.
Lynette: "Boys, stop it. Go to bed."
Twin: "But we're not tired."
Lynette: "Well, at least go upstairs!"
Twin: "We wanna play!"
Lynette: "Hey, look!"
She takes a bag of chips and dangles it in front of them. They grab for it and she throws it up the stairs.
Lynette: "Go! Go, go!"
Lynette turns around to find Bree staring at her. Bree raises her hands in surrender and turns away.
In the kitchen, Gabrielle and Susan are putting away food.
Gabrielle: "So why weren't you sitting with Mike tonight? I thought you two were becoming an item."
Susan: "I sort of thought so, too. I'm getting a lot of mixed signals."
Gabrielle: "I'll tell you who wasn't giving mixed signals was that sexy Officer Thompson. He was staring at you all night."
Susan: "You noticed that?"
Gabrielle: "Honey, trust me. When they're not staring at me, I notice."
In the living room...
Lynette: "I really do appreciate you guys staying and helping."
Bree: "Oh, please. I would have hosted it myself, but the kids are going to the mountains tomorrow and there's camping equipment everywhere."
Lynette: "It's nice of you and since we're talking, there's something else nice I'd like you to do. Your kids both went to Barcliff Academy, didn't they?"
Bree: "Yes."
Lynette: "We need you to recommend Porter and Preston. We can't even get an interview."
Bree: "Oh, you, um, want me to recommend the twins?"
Lynette: "Yes. You can tell them how beautifully behaved the boys are."
Bree: "So you want me to lie."
Lynette: "Yeah. I thought that was understood."
Bree: "Well, it's just that I'm very well respected at Barcliff and um, my word won't be good there anymore."
Lynette: "Yes, but by the time they realize their mistake, we'll be in. You're not having any more kids. What do you care?"
Bree: "Well, I had hoped someday to get my grandchildren into Barcliff, but I suppose that doesn't matter to you, does it?"
Lynette: "It really doesn't."
As Susan and Gabrielle open the front door to take out the trash, they hear yelling coming from Zach and Paul's house. All four women stand in the doorway to listen.
Gabrielle: "Paul and Zach are fighting again."
Lynette: "It's the second time this week. They never used to fight like that when Mary Alice was alive."
Susan: "It's a shame. They used to be such a happy family."
Bree: "Just because you didn't hear them fighting doesn't mean they were happy."
The women turn to look at her.
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"The next day, as residents began to patrol Wisteria Lane in the hopes of foiling potential burgelers, Gabrielle was about to experience a home invasion of her own."
A cab pulls up into the Solis's driveway as Gabrielle comes down the walk. An older woman gets out of the cab.
Gabrielle: "Mama Solis! What, what are you doing here?"
Mama Solis: "I came to visit my son and daughter-in-law. What does it look like?"
Gabrielle: "Does Carlos know you're coming?"
Mama Solis: "No. He likes to be surprised." She opens her arms for a hug. "Now, come. Gabrielle."
They hug.
Mama Solis: "Family should always hug. [whispers into Gabrielle's ear]
Regardless of how they feel about each other."
She walks away, leaving Gabrielle to deal with the luggage.
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Barcliff Academy
Mr. Lance opens up a file on Preston Scavo. As he looks it over, Lynette and Tom sit nervously in front of his desk. Tom notices that the man has a lot of pictures of his boat on his desk..
Tom: "Wow. Uh, she's a beauty. A thirty-footer?"
Mr. Lance: "Thirty-two."
Tom: "Sweet. I sail. How about that. I got a flying scott."
Mr. Lance: "Well, we have several yachting enthusiasts at Barcliff Academy. I'd be happy to introduce them to you."
Lynette: "Oh, that sounds great."
Tom: "Wonderful."
Mr. Lance: "If we decide to enroll your children. To be honest, Mr. and Mrs. Scavo, your children's educational background is a bit more common than we would prefer. But Mrs. Van De Kamp mentioned that they were identical twins?"
Lynette: "Yes. Completely identical. You can't tell them apart. They're like bookends."
Mr. Lance: "We do strive for diversity here at Barcliff. Identical twins could make for an interesting addition."
Lynette: "The boys are fascinating. They even have their own twin secret language, don't they Tom?"
Tom: "Yeah, yeah, it's pretty scary."
Lynette: "Not, not really so much scary as highly developed."
Tom: "Yeah, they, they, they, bark and growl at each other."
Lynette: "Mr. Lance was trying to say something. Go ahead, Mr. Lance."
Mr. Lance: "I'd love to meet these twins of yours. I tell you what. I'm going to put them on our must-meet list."
Tom: "Terrific."
Lynette: "Thank you so much. What is a must-meet list?"
Mr. Lance: "We bring them in for observation."
Lynette: "Observation?"
Mr. Lance: "Mmm hmm. To see how they play with the other children. How they respond to authority. That sort of thing."
Tom: "Great."
Lynette: "That sounds wonderful."
They nod to each other.
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Bree's House
Bree is fixing lunch in the kitchen when Rex walks in.
Rex: "Hey."
Bree: "Hi."
Rex: "Kids ready?"
Bree: "Almost. Thanks again for driving them to the bus."
Rex: "Happy to do it. I miss 'em."
Bree: "Did you hear there was a break in at Mrs. Frome's the other night?"
Rex: "Yeah. I heard they didn't take anything."
Bree: "Well, that doesn't make it any less frightening. I mean, he could have been a sexual predator."
Rex: "And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That would have been a lose-lose situation."
Bree: "Rex. That's not the point. The point is, I don't feel safe. And I was wondering if you could spend the night."
Rex: "You're in the NRA. You own, like, four guns. If someone broke in, I'd expect you to protect me."
Bree: "Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years."
Rex: "Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone."
Bree: "You're right. That was hard to hear."
He takes a sandwich and Bree grabs it out of his hand.
Rex: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "That is for the kids trip."
Rex: "Oh, come on. I'm, I'm staying at a motel. I haven't had a decent meal in weeks."
Bree: "Honey! The marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to bad cooking."
She walks out.
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Outside Susan's House
Susan is watering her lawn when a cop car slows down and stops.
Officer Thompson: "Hey. Screwdriver girl. I just came by to tell you that I took your evidence into the lab for fingerprints."
Susan: "Oh, really? That's great."
Officer Thompson: "So I'll call you if I hear something."
Susan: "Okay."
She accidentally sprays him on the feet with the hose.
Susan: "Ooh! Sorry.
Officer Thompson: "Thanks. Um, actually, I'd like to call you anyway, if -- if that's okay."
Susan: "Oh. You seem like a really sweet guy in an interesting line of work, but I am not really available."
Officer Thompson: "Oh. Oh. You have a boyfriend?"
Susan: "Yeah, sort of."
Officer Thompson: "Sort of."
Susan: "It's hard to explain...even to myself."
Woman on Radio: "Unit 23, we have a 907a in progress at Stone and Maple. Please respond."
Officer Thompson: "10-4. I'm on my way. I've got to go. Apparently, there’s a hostage situation."
Susan: "Oh, wow."
Officer Thompson: "So you're really turning me down. Boy, my self-esteem can't take this."
Susan: "I'm sorry."
Officer Thompson: "No, it's just now my ability to help those hostages has been compromised. Still, don't, don't blame yourself for what might happen."
Susan: "Blame myself."
Officer Thompson: "Yeah, well, it's just hard to rescue folks when you don't feel good about yourself. Ah, they'll probably all die anyway."
Susan: "Okay, fine. I'll go out with you."
Officer Thompson: "Great. I'll call you."
Susan: "Now that you've gotten your date, you can tell me what that really means -- that 907a."
Officer Thompson: "Someone's TV was playing too loud."
Susan: "Well, thank God for the thin blue line."
Officer Thompson: "I'll call you."
Susan turns back to water her lawn and manages to spray herself with water.
Susan: "Ooh! Oh."
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Gabrielle's House
Mama Solis and Carlos talk in the living room.
Mama Solis: "Co estami tetenchita, hmm?"
Carlos: "Esta bien."
Gabrielle walks past them to go outside.
Gabrielle: "I'll be outside doing my yoga."
Carlos: "Mama, sietate. I'll be right back. Do you have to do that now?
My mother's here."
Gabrielle: "Hey, I'm not going to stop my life just because she decides to show up unannounced, I might add."
Carlos: "She's family. She doesn't need an invitation."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, whatever. It's rude."
Carlos goes back inside to where Mama Solis is knitting.
Carlos: "That's real pretty, mama. You were always good with your hands."
Mama Solis: "So, mijo, I assume you didn't insist that I travel 2,000 miles for small talk. So why am I here?"
Carlos: "She...is unhappy."
Mama Solis: "Mm-hmm."
Carlos: "I've given her everything she ever wanted, but it doesn't seem to make a difference, and I feel her drifting further and further away. And lately I've started thinking that maybe..."
Mama Solis: "So you think she's cheating on you?"
Carlos: "I think so."
He starts crying and Mama Solis slaps him across the face.
Mama Solis: "We can talk about your problems, but I'm not going to have any of that."
Carlos: "Si."
Mama Solis: "Do you have any proof?"
Carlos: "No, it's -- It's just a feeling."
Mama Solis: "I had that feeling with your father and that whore waitress, and I was right. Always trust your feelings."
Carlos: "So what do I do?"
Mama Solis: "You don't do anything. I'll take care of it."
Carlos: "Thank you, mama."
Mama Solis: "I'm sorry I had to hit you, but we're strong people, and we don't cry about our problems. We find ways to fix them."
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Lynette's House
"While the residents of Wisteria Lane kept up their patrols in an effort to prevent future break-ins, Lynette hatched a plan to break her children into Barcliff Academy."
Lynette: "Boys? Wake up. Come on. We're going to have some fun today. Come on. Yeah. Hey."
Twins: "Hi."
She puts them to work at various activities, from running, to pulling her on a sled, to digging a hole in the front yard.
Lynette: "Come on, I bet you can beat me! Come on! Go, go, go! Come on! Yes, yes -- mush, doggies, mush! Mush, mush, mush!"
Twin: "Mom, I'm tired. How long do we have to do this?"
Lynette: "Hey, if I can still see your head, the pool's not deep enough."
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Barcliff Academy
Porter and Parker are seated quietly at a table, working silently on puzzles. One of the twins puts his head down on the table. Lynette and the man from the school watch the boys through a window.
Mr. Lance: "Are your boys usually so docile?"
Lynette: "They're always a little shy at first. Look at that concentration. Porter loves his puzzles."
Mr. Lance: "Hmm."
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Gabrielle's House
As Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit in front of the TV, watching a soap opera, Gabrielle's cell phone chirps and she looks at the display, which reads "Meet me at the hotel."
Gabrielle: "Mama, I'll be right back. I'm going to the store."
Mama Solis: "Gabrielle. I'm coming with you. I want to make some tamales for Carlos."
Gabrielle: "No, no, Juanita, I'm not going to the supermarket. I'm going to the lingerie store."
Mama Solis: "Good. I need some bras."
Gabrielle: "I'm going to be a while. And I, I might get a facial."
Mama Solis: "I have a face."
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Outside of Mike's House
Susan walks up to Mike, who's carrying things in from his SUV.
Susan: "Hey, Mike."
Mike: "Hey. How's it going?"
Susan: "Good, good. Just came by to say hello."
Mike: "Hello."
Susan: "So you remember the cop from the neighborhood watch meeting? Uh, he agreed to run a fingerprint check on the screwdriver I found at Mrs. Frome's house."
Mike: "He did? Nothing was taken."
Susan: "Still, somebody broke in. It is a crime. So the weird thing is the cop asked me out on a date."
Mike: "Oh?"
Susan: "And I sort of said yes. I was just curious what you thought about that."
Mike: "You're asking my permission to go out with him?"
Susan: "No, no, I just, uh...was wondering your opinion."
Mike: "Well, I don't really have one."
Susan: "Okay. Great. Fine. Thank you."
Mike: "Susan, wait, wait. I...look, I'm sorry. My life is just...really complicated right now."
Susan: "You don't have to explain."
Mike: "Susan."
Susan: "It's complicated. I get it."
She walks away.
Mike goes back into his garage and moves away the box he had been carrying earlier, revealing a set of screwdrivers, one of which is obviously missing.
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Paul and Zach Young's House
Bree knocks on their front door, which is cracked open. She peeks her head in and sees Zach sitting on the floor with cleaning supplies, cleaning a stain on the floor.
Bree: "Paul? Paul! Oh, hi, Zachary. I'm sorry. The door was open, and..."
Zach: "It's okay. You can come in."
Bree: "Is your, uh, father here? We were scheduled to do a patrol today."
Zach: "He had to go out of town -- again."
Bree: "Oh. Well, I guess I can do it by myself. Wow. This place is just immaculate."
Zach: "My mom liked things clean."
Bree: "Zach, she would be very proud of you. [she gasps] What happened to your varnish?"
Zach: "That's where my mother died. I messed up the floor trying to get out the blood."
Bree: "Oh."
Zach: "I'll let my dad know that you stopped by."
Bree: "Okay. [she turns to go, then turns back around] Zach...do you
have plans for dinner?"
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Mall
Gabrielle and Mama Solis browse through the racks of lingerie.
Mama Solis: "So you shop a lot, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. So?"
Mama Solis: "Most women that shop a lot, it's because they don't have anything better to do."
Gabrielle: "What's your point?"
Mama Solis: "Well, if you had children..."
Gabrielle: "Here we go."
Mama Solis: "I'm just saying that children give your life a purpose. You get so busy taking care of them that you don't have any time to wonder if you're happy."
Gabrielle: "You know, Juanita, this is so like you. I invite you on a nice shopping trip, and you find ways to upset me."
Mama Solis: "Oh, you didn't invite me. I invited myself. You keep looking at your watch. Is there someplace you have to be?"
Gabrielle: "No! You know, and for the record, I am not one of those women who has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by a baby. I like my life a lot. It's very fulfilling."
She walks off. Mama Solis looks at another woman who was watching the whole thing.
Mama Solis: "Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled."
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Lynette's Front Yard
As Susan and Lynette talk, Lynette shovels dirt into the holes that her children made earlier.
Lynette: "So, he just blew you off?"
Susan: "I told him another man asked me out. It was the perfect opportunity for Mike to be jealous, and nothing."
Lynette: "Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes."
Susan: "Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down. I'm telling you, nothing."
She hands Lynette the bottle of water she's drinking.
Lynette: "Oh, thanks."
Susan: "So what's going on there?"
Lynette: "Mm. Gophers."
Susan: "Wow."
Lynette: "Listen, I'm sorry about Mike. I know how much you like him."
Susan: "Ah, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I just imagined an entire relationship with this man that didn't exist."
Lynette: "There has been flirting. I have seen it."
Susan: "Yeah, and the flirting made me think that he was kind and trustworthy and honest and hygienic. That's how it is with me -- a guy just smiles at me three times, and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess."
Lynette: "But to be fair, that's part of your charm."
Susan: "That's what happened with Carl. I only dated him a couple of months, I filled in the blanks, I married him. It was a disaster."
Lynette: "You think Mike is a Carl in disguise?"
Susan: "I don't know. What does that mean, anyway,’ my life is complicated'?"
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Children's Soccer Field
An older man sits at a park bench, watching children on the field playing soccer.
Mike comes up to him and sits down next to him.
Man: "If I wanted to sit around and wait for nothing, I could do it on the can. You're late. What's with the face?"
Mike: "I screwed up. I broke into the Frome house and almost got caught."
Man: "What's almost?"
Mike: "I accidentally left something behind with my prints on it."
Man: "Did you ever hear of gloves?"
Mike: "It's the suburbs. I didn't think it'd matter. Anyway, the police are running a check, and I'm in the system. I got to pull up stakes before they come looking for me."
They sit, watching the children yell and laugh.
Man: "That's a sweet sound -- laughter like that, huh? Pisses me off. If and when your cover is blown, you disappear. Until then, you keep fixing the neighbors' pipes."
Mike: "The more time I spend in this town, the more I think we're making a mistake. These are nice people."
Man: "My money says one of 'em isn't."
A soccer ball comes rolling up to him and he stops it with his foot. A young boy comes running up for him.
Man: "Whoa."
Boy: "Thanks." He runs off.
Man (to Mike): "No more screwups."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle and Mama Solis are watching a soap opera. Mama Solis is very into it and Gabrielle is disgusted.
Gabrielle: "I'm getting something to drink. Do you want something?"
Mama Solis: "Shh."
Gabrielle sneaks out to a shed on her lawn. Mrs. Solis doesn't notice. John is there.
Gabrielle: "Look, don't be mad."
John: "I waited at that motel for three hours for you. I had to use a month's worth of lunch money to pay for that room."
Gabrielle: "It's not my fault. Juanita hasn't let me out of her sight since she's gotten here."
John: "Really? Well, I don't see her now."
Gabrielle: "She's watching her Mexican soap opera. The rebel's virgin daughter's about to be seduced by the escaped desperado. So until she puts out...Juanita won't even know that I'm gone. Come on. I said I was sorry."
John: "You know, just so you know, I've turned down half the pep squad for you."
Gabrielle (laughing): "You can't be serious."
John: "No. You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I should be with someone my own age."
Gabrielle: "Well, I thought teenage girls bored you, John. I thought what we had was beyond that."
John: "So did I."
Gabrielle: "So then why do you want to go back to something you don't want?"
John: "I don't know."
Gabrielle: "Maybe you're tired of me."
John: "No. I want to be with you."
Gabrielle: "Then why are we arguing?"
Juanita (calling from outside of the shed): "Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "Damn it! The virgin gave it up already?"
John: "I want you so bad. When can I see you again?"
Gabrielle: "Tomorrow. Meet me at the front entrance of the mall after school."
John: "What about your mother-in-law?"
Gabrielle: "Don't worry. I'll think of something."
Juanita: "Gabrielle! Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "Coming!"
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Lynette's House
Tom: "A donation? Now Barcliff wants a donation?"
Lynette: "Apparently we're in competition with one other family. A generous donation will ensure our kids beat 'em out."
Tom: "How generous?"
Lynette: "Fifteen thousand."
Tom: "We don't have that."
Lynette: "And that's what I told them."
Tom: "So what do we do? Public school is out unless we move to a new district."
Lynette: "We're not moving."
Tom: "Maybe it's time that we look into home schooling."
Lynette: "I know you did not just say that."
Tom: "Honey, it's, it's, it's got its advantages. You know, kids in home school do better in their later years."
Lynette: "They won't make it to their later years if I have to spend all day with them."
Tom: "Honey, sometimes you just -- you got to make the sacrifice. It's probably the best thing for the kids."
Lynette: "Why don't we just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?"
Tom: "You'd be cool with that?"
They laugh.
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Bree's House
Bree and Zach are sitting at the dining room table, eating dinner together.
Zach: "I've never had plum pudding before."
Bree: "I'm serving it this year for Christmas. I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday. That way if the cookbook's gotten it wrong, I can fix it."
Zach: "You must really like Christmas. You and Mr. Van De Kamp always have the best decorations on your lawn."
Bree: "I adore the holidays. I never get depressed if there's a beautifully decorated tree to look at."
Zach: "My mom and I would always decorate our tree together. This Christmas is going to be weird."
Bree: "Zach. You know, my mother died when I was young. She was hit by a car."
Zach: "Oh."
Bree: "It was, um, right before Christmas, as a matter of fact. We were all singing carols, and the dog was howling because everybody in my family sings off-key, except for me. Anyway, it was just a terrible ruckus. So, well, no one noticed when my mother went across the street to give the neighbors a gift. And the next thing we heard were brakes screeching."
Zach: "Wow."
Bree: "Most of my family went to the hospital, but I stayed home because I was so young. When I looked out the window, I saw all of my mother's blood on the street, and nobody was doing anything about it, so I got a hose, and I washed it off, and once it was clean, I felt so much better. I never told anyone that story before."
Zach: "Those are the most interesting ones -- the stories that we never tell anyone."
Bree: "Yeah, you're probably right."
Zach: "I have one. It's more of a secret, really. I know why my mom killed herself."
Bree: "You do?"
Zach: "It was something I did -- something bad."
Bree: "What did you do, Zach? Zach, sweetheart."
Zach: "No. I should -- I, I'd better not. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't -- I shouldn't have done this. I'm sorry. If my dad found out --"
Bree: "I won't tell your father. I promise."
Zach: "I-I can't get you in trouble."
Bree: "Zachary, it's all right."
Zach runs out of her house with Bree watching him go.
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Outside, the next day
Susan: "I can't believe Zach said that. What else did he tell you?"
Bree: "That was it. Just that Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done."
Susan: "You couldn't get any more out of him?"
Bree: "Well, I tried, but he was so nervous. He actually started shaking, and then he just left."
Gabrielle: "Okay, this is getting really weird. I think we should go to the police."
Bree: "And tell them what? We don't even have the note anymore. We gave it to Paul."
Susan: "Then you're going to have to get Zach to tell you something so we have more to go on."
Bree: "Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind."
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God sakes, Bree, you're a woman. Manipulate him.
That's what we do."
Bree: "But how?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know, how did you usually manipulate Rex?"
Bree smiles.
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Paul and Zach's House
Bree knocks on the door and Zach answers.
Bree: "Hello, Zachary. Are you free for dinner tonight?"
Zach: "Sure."
Bree: "Oh, good, because last night, you put me in such a holiday mood, so I'm going to make roast turkey and candied yams and eggnog. Have you ever had real old-fashioned eggnog?"
Zach: "No, I don't think so."
Bree: "Oh, you are going to love it. It has quite a kick."
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Lynette watches her boys wrestle each other.
Twin: "Oh, me! Score!"
Lynette: "Boys, could you just not --"
The boys ignore her and Lynette realizes she's sitting on something. She pulls it out from underneath her and it's a model boat of Tom's.
She stares at it thoughtfully.
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Mall
Gabrielle and Mama Solis are looking for clothing. Mama Solis tries on clothes in one of the fitting rooms while Gabrielle stands outside.
Mama Solis: "Gabrielle, please. You bought me enough things. You're the one that's supposed to be shopping."
Gabrielle: "Oh, mama, you're in a rut. We need to spice up your wardrobe. Ooh, here. Try this one on. Go on, try it on. Mama Solis, how you doing in there?"
Mama Solis: "Is it supposed to be so tight?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, it's form-fitting. You're going to look great."
Mama Solis: "Gabrielle, I don't think this dress is right for me. I can't breathe."
Gabrielle takes a shirt from the store that they had brought in with them and places it into Mama Solis's bag, underneath some other items.
Gabrielle: "Well, maybe I made a mistake. While you change, I'm going
to make a quick run to the bookstore."
Mama Solis: "Gabrielle, wait, wait. I'm coming with you."
Gabrielle: "No, no, no. I'll just be a minute."
Mama Solis: "Wait, wait, Gabrielle, I'm coming with you -- ay! Wait! Gabrielle, wait!"
As Mama Solis runs after Gabrielle out of the store, the store's security system begins to beep and a store employee stops her.
Woman: "Ma'am? Ma'am, sorry. I'm going to need to look in your bags, please."
Mama Solis: "Fine. Just hurry up."
Gabrielle leaves the mall and runs into John, who kisses her.
John: "Right on time."
Back in the mall, with security, Mama Solis continues arguing with security.
Mama Solis: "I'm telling you, I don't know where that blouse came from."
Woman: "Security!"
Mama Solis: "All right, keep your stupid blouse. I'm going to have to find my daughter-in-law. Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me!"
Security: "Ma'am, you're going to have to come with us."
Mama Solis: "Get your hands off me! Gabrielle!"
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Bree's House
Bree's in her kitchen, humming, when the phone rings.
Bree: "Hello."
Rex: "Hey, it's me."
Bree: "Oh, hi, Rex. How are you? Is something wrong?"
Rex: "Well, I was just about to grab dinner from the motel vending machine, and it occurred to me, what the heck? I'll go out. Would you like to have dinner with me?"
Bree walks down her front porch steps and runs into Zach.
Zach: "Mrs. Van De Kamp. Guess what -- I found all my mom's old Christmas stuff."
Bree: "Oh. Sweetie, I was just coming over to talk to you. I am so sorry, but something really important came up, and I have to cancel."
Zach: "Really?"
Bree: "We will do it again. We'll have our impromptu holiday dinner, I promise. Bye."
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Nighttime
Susan and Officer Thompson are in his car, looking up names on his computer scanner.
Susan: "Mm, I got one -- Kelly Halsteder. In eighth grade, she used to spit in my gym shoes. "
Officer Thompson: "Kelly Halsteder. Kelly Halsteder. There, look. Two DUIs, one check kiting, and an open bench warrant."
Susan: "How tragic, by which I mean yay."
Officer Thompson: "Yeah, you've been a really good sport, coming along on my shift with me."
Susan: "Well, time flies when you're on a stakeout in crack town. So when does our official date begin?"
Officer Thompson: "Well, taxpayers say twnety minutes, but I say now."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lynette's House
Tom comes down the stairs into the living room, where Lynette is. He just finished putting the kids to bed.
Tom: "They're down."
Lynette: "Oh, thank you, hon."
Tom: "Honey, you -- did you read up on homeschooling?"
Lynette: "Yeah. Gave me some good ideas -- well, one, anyway."
Tom: "Great. What -- what have you got?"
Lynette: "Well, you know how we both agree that one of us needs to stay home and parent the kids and one of us needs to go off and make a living."
Tom: "Uh-huh."
Lynette: "And then I suddenly remembered that when I was working, I made a little more than you."
Tom: "W-what are you doing?"
Lynette: "You tossed out that little sacrifice comment a while ago, and it occurred to me I've made sacrifices over the past six years. I gave up my career. If another sacrifice has to be made, I think it's your turn on the merry-go-round."
Tom: "Lynette --"
Lynette: "So if I went back to work, then you could stay home and take care of the kids."
Tom: "I-I can't be with the kids all day. I'd -- I'd lose my mind."
Lynette: "Aha."
Tom: "Hey, okay, I get it. Hey -- homeschooling is out. Out. But how are we going to scrape together fifteen grand for this endowment?"
Lynette: "Mm. How, how, how?"
"Lynette was desperate to avoid homeschooling, but she saw no options on the horizon until a solution sailed into view."
Lynette looks at photos of Tom's boat on the mantel.
Tom: "Oh, no."
Lynette: "Aye-aye."
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Susan's Date
Susan stands outside of the Officer Thompson's car as he changes into more appropriate clothing taken from his trunk.
Officer Thompson: "So the restaurant's run by this little old guy named Daranello. He will propose to you. Don't say yes, because he's dead serious."
Susan: "But what if I like him?"
She looks in his trunk and sees the screwdriver she had given him.
Susan: "Hey. I thought this went to the lab."
Officer Thompson: "All right. You got me."
Susan: "And that means what?"
Officer Thompson: "Look, Susan, no one would authorize lab time or a computer search for a case like this. It's -- it's just not a priority."
Susan: "So why couldn't you just tell me that?"
Officer Thompson: "Well, I thought we were clicking? Does this need to be a big deal?"
Susan: "Well, if you'd only lied to me about it once, it wouldn't be."
Officer Thompson: "All right, I get it. You want me to beg. Okay, look at me. I'm begging. Come on. Don't be such a girl about this."
Susan: "I know who you are. You're a Carl in disguise. I'm done with you -- all of you."
Officer Thompson: "Oh, come on, drama queen."
Susan gathers up her things, including the screwdriver, and starts to walk away.
Officer Thompson: "What are you doing? Where are you going? It's not safe."
Susan: "I'd rather take my chances on the street, thank you very much."
Officer Thompson: "Oh, why do I always pick the psychos?"
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Outside
An unknown somebody wearing jeans walks towards Bree's house, ax in hand.
It's Zach, and he uses the ax to smash open a window.
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Street Corner
Once Susan had left Officer Thompson, she comes across a prostitute on the corner.
Susan: "Excuse me. I'm a little lost."
Prostitute: "Oh, you best be lost. This here's my corner."
Susan: "Oh, uh, yes, and -- and a lovely corner it is, and I hate to bother you while you're...working. I just was wondering if you could point me in the direction of a pay phone. Oh, and if you had some change, uh, for this five, preferably quarters..."
Prostitute: "Honey, if I got paid in quarters, I'd be doing something very wrong."
Susan: "Right. Okay. Thank you."
She turns away.
Prostitute: "Hey. You want to use my cell? I have weekend minutes."
Susan: "Oh, thank you so much. You're saving my life."
A horn honks as a car pulls up and the prostitute turns towards it.
Prostitute: "Oh, excuse me, honey."
Susan: "Oh, yes, you -- you do what you've got to do. Oh, please answer. Come on, pick up, Julie. Oh, thank god. Okay, don't ask any questions. Just get somebody down here to pick me up at the corner of ninth and Foster."
A car pulls up and a man calls out to her.
Man: "Hey, babe."
Susan: "Thank you, no. I'm on a break. Hurry, please."
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Bree's House
Bree and Rex come rushing home. There are police cars outside of their house with their lights flashing.
"Excuse me. We got a call. Something about a break-in."
Cop: "One of your neighbors reported seeing someone forcing his way into your home. We sent some guys out to investigate, and, uh..."
Bree: "W-what is it?"
Cop: "I got to tell you, ma'am, I thought I'd seen a lot on the job, but, uh, this is something else."
He opens up their front door and Rex and Bree walk inside. Their house is completely decorated for Christmas, including stockings on the mantle, for Paul, Zach, and Mary Alice.
Rex: "So -- so let me get this straight. He chopped down one of our pine trees?"
Cop: "I'm afraid so."
Zach is led into the room, in handcuffs, by another cop.
Bree: "Zach, why did you do this?"
Zach: "I don't know."
Bree: "Take off those handcuffs, please."
Cop: "Ma'am, he confessed to breaking in."
Bree: "This is not up for discussion."
Behind Bree, Rex nods. One cop tells the other to "go ahead" and Paul's handcuffs are removed.
Paul suddenly opens their front door to come in. The cop tries to stop him.
Paul: "Zach."
Standing next to Bree, Zach quietly reaches out and takes her hand.
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Street Corner
Susan stands uncomfortably on the street corner when an SUV pulls up. It slows down and Mike leans across the seat to call out to her.
Mike: "You okay?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Mike: "Then how much for a trip around the world?"
Susan (sighing): "I cannot believe Julie sent you. She is soon gonna be dead."
Mike: "Come on. Get in."
Susan gets in the car and tosses the screwdriver on the dashboard.
Mike: "Wasn't that sent in for prints?"
Susan: "No, the cop lied to me. I don't want to talk about it."
Mike: "Just asking."
He drives off.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is on the phone with Carlos. Mama Solis sits on the couch, knitting.
Gabrielle: "Yes, apparently, they found a blouse in her bag. Oh, I don't know, Carlos. At some point, older people start to get confused. She probably thought she paid for it. No, no charges. Everything's fine. Okay, I'll tell her. Bye. Mama Solis, Carlos is going to be late for dinner. It's just the two of us. What would you like to eat?"
Mama Solis: "Oh, I'm not hungry."
Gabrielle: "Okay, suit yourself."
Mama Solis: "Don't go yet. I need to talk to you. It's important. Please."
Gabrielle sits down.
Mama Solis: "I married Diego Solis when I was 16 years old. A few months into our marriage, he started to beat me. I was so young and stupid, I didn't know what to do."
Gabrielle: "Juanita, I had no idea."
Mama Solis: "It got so bad that I started praying to God to let me die, but God, in his infinite wisdom, gave me a reason to live."
Gabrielle: "Carlos."
Mama Solis: "Ah, he was a beautiful baby. But my husband wasn't much of a father. He never held him. He would yell and scream at him for no reason at all. One night when Carlos was four, Diego Solis came home drunk, and he beat my Carlos. Something inside me snapped, and at that moment, I found a way to be strong, so I made sure that Diego Solis never hurt my son or me ever again."
Gabrielle watches Mama Solis knit. Her brow furrows.
Gabrielle: "What'd you do?"
Mama Solis: "Well, if you pray hard enough, God gives you the tools to your salvation."
Gabrielle: "Carlos said that his father left for a waitress in El Paso."
Mama Solis: "Mm-hmm. That's what he was told. All mothers know they have to protect their children, but some of us take our job more seriously than others."
Gabrielle: "I don't know why you're telling me this."
Mama Solis stops knitting to look at Gabrielle.
Mama Solis: "I think you do."
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Mike's Car
Mike pulls the car up to Susan's house and stops, but neither makes any move to get out.
Mike: "Look, okay, I know you're mad at me, and I'm sorry I didn't stop you from going out with that guy."
Susan: "I'm not mad at you. I mean, I'm not just mad at you. I'm mostly mad at myself."
Mike: "Okay."
Susan: "I'm mad that I like you so much without really knowing anything about you."
Mike: "Oh. What do you want to know?"
Susan: "What's your favorite food?"
Mike: "Mexican."
Susan: "What's your favorite sport?"
Mike: "Football."
Susan: "Favorite band?"
Mike: "Elvis Costello."
Susan: "That's a guy, not a band."
Mike: "It's a guy with a band."
Susan: "What do you think of me?"
After pausing, he leans over and kisses her.
Susan: "I'm sorry.Could you repeat that?"
They kiss again.
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Paul and Zach's House
Bree walks up to their house and hears arguing inside. She starts to turn away.
Paul: "Why?"
Zach: "I don't want to talk about it."
Paul: "Do you realize how insane this looks?"
Zach: "Do you even care about me at all? Did you even care about mom?!"
Paul: "You will not talk to me that way."
Zach: "I think I just did."
A smack and then a shouted "Ow!" is heard. Outside, Bree changes her mind and knocks on their front door. Zach opens it up.
Zach: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."
Bree: "Hi, Zach. I just, uh, wanted to see if everything was all right."
Zach: "Everything's fine."
Bree: "Are you sure?"
Zach: "Yes."
Bree: "Well, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then."
Zach: "I'm sure that you will."
He closes the door on Bree, and then walks past his father, who's lying on the floor, with a split lip that's bleeding.
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"People, by their very nature, are always on the lookout for intruders..."
The man from Barcliff Academy walks out of a doorway and nearly gets run over by Porter and Parker, who rush past him. Shocked, he looks at Lynette, who just smiles.
"...trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in. But there will always be those who force their way into our lives..."
Gabrielle walks out onto the porch to do her yoga and sees Mama Solis sitting there, knitting. Annoyed, she stays in the house.
"...just as there will be those we invite in."
Susan and Julie open up their front door to let in Mike, who's brought a pizza.
"But the most troubling of all will be the ones who stand on the outside looking in... the ones we never truly get to know."
Bree steps out of her house with her gardening supplies and sees, next door, Paul and Zach getting into a car and driving away.
~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.06 - Running to Stand Still
Guest stars
"Maisy Gibbons" - Sharon Lawrence
"Dr. Albert Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Juanita Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Jordana Geist" - Stacey Travis
"Dr. Sicher" - Gregg Daniel
"Danielle" - Joy Lauren
"Mrs. Truesdale" - Shannon O'Hurley
"Yoa Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Waiter" - Paul Denniston
"Nurse"- Cindy Lu
"Receptionist" - Kathy McGraw
Written by: Tracey Stern
Directed by: Fred Gerber
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Mary Alice begins speaking as the camera pans over to Gabrielle and Carlos's house, and then inside the house, where the two of them and Mama Solis eat breakfast.
"Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law. The war for control of Carlos began the night he proposed, and Gabrielle had been losing ground to Juanita ever since. From the prenuptial agreement which she reluctantly signed, to the selection of wedding music she despised, the color of the house paint she hadn’t wanted ... Gabrielle had suffered one defeat after another. And now that Juanita suspected her daughter-in-law of having an affair, it had became increasingly apparent that in this war..."
Yoa Lin: "Mrs. Solis, I’ll be at the market."
"...no prisoners would be taken."
Gabrielle: "Thank you, Yoa Lin."
Mama Solis: "I don’t see why you have her."
Gabrielle: "It’s a big house. I need help."
Mama Solis: "It’s only called help when you do some of the work yourself."
Gabrielle: "I supervise."
Mama Solis: "You pay her $300 a week. That’s $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you’re not putting away enough for retirement!"
Carlos: "You know, baby, it would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses."
Gabrielle: "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?"
Carlos: "Other women manage..."
He gets up from the table and Gabrielle looks at Mama Solis, who smiles triumphantly.
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Gabrielle's Bedroom
Carlos lies on the bed, reading, when Gabrielle glides into the room in a revealing outfit of bra and underwear. She clears her throat, crawls on the bed, and straddles Carlos. She kisses him, and then sighs.
Carlos: "Mmmm... that’s nice.."
Gabrielle: "You like that?"
Carlos: "Oh yeah."
Gabrielle: "God, I’m gonna miss this, Carlos."
Carlos: "What do you mean?"
Gabrielle: "Well, since, I’m gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives..."
Carlos: "Mmm hmm..."
Gabrielle: "...I’m going to be exhausted at night--just like all the other wives ... till I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple years..."
She kisses Carlos down his body as he frowns.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Next Morning
"Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war..."
Carlos comes down the stairs.
Mama Solis: "Good morning, Carlos."
Carlos (emphatically): "The maid stays."
He leaves.
"Never underestimate your enemy!"
Mama Solis looks up to the staircase where Gabrielle stands, triumphant.
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Outside of Paul Young's House; Yard Sale” Of the many suburban rituals, none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard sale. The shoppers come to sift through the discarded belongings of someone they don’t really know, in hopes of finding bargains they don’t really need, each so determined to save a few pennies, they often miss hidden treasures..."
Paul puts things in a box and closes the top, revealing that the box is labeled "Baby Stuff."
Susan walks up to him.
Susan: "Hey, Paul."
Paul: "Hi, Susan."
Susan: "I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice’s award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce.:"
Paul: "Zach and I are moving. We don’t need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary."
Susan: "That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didn’t want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by."
Paul: "Zach doesn’t need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I’m out of newspaper." He picks up a yellow/green blanket to wrap the glass. "Here, let’s call it ten bucks for everything."
Susan: "Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven’t seen him around lately."
Paul: "He’s been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives."
Susan: "Oh, which ones?"
Paul: "You don’t know them."
Susan: "So, how are you get the fat lip?"
Paul: "The usual way. Asking too many questions."
Paul walks away and Susan picks up the box and walks over to where Gabrielle is.
Gabrielle: "Did you find out where Zach is?"
Susan: "No, but I can tell you this much. He’s not staying with relatives."
Carlos and Mama Solis stand off in a corner. Mama Solis looks at a record album while Carlos surveys the crowd.
Carlos: "It’s driving me crazy, mama. It could be any one of these guys she’s having the affair with."
Mama Solis: "Don’t worry about it. I’m not letting her out of my sight."
Carlos: "Now, who the hell is that? And look at the way she’s touching him. You think that’s the guy she’s having the affair with? "
Mama Solis: "Carlos, don’t be stupid. A guy she talks to in public isn’t someone you’re gonna worry about."
Carlos: "So it’s someone that she doesn’t talk to. What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?"
Mama Solis: "Marriage takes work!"
They walk away, passing by John, who looks after them. Lynette, Bree, and Susan stand talking to each other. Gabrielle joins them soon after.
Lynette: "I’m not surprised that he’s playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we’re on to him."
Bree: "Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?"
Susan: "No. That’s why we have to find him. It’s the only way we’ll know the truth."
Bree: "It just doesn’t make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can‘t imagine him doing anything that terrible."
Gabrielle: "Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way."
Bree sighs.
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Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center
Inside, Paul and a doctor stare through the window on the door of Zach's room. He sits on his bed, his head bowed as he eats from a tray of food.
Dr. Sicher: "Severe depression. Borderline personality disorder. Zach is a deeply troubled young man."
Paul: "I’m aware of that. What are you giving him?"
Dr. Sicher: "Some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer."
Paul: "Good."
Dr. Sicher: "I’m also recommending extensive psychotherapy, to help unearth any repressed -"
Paul: "I don’t think so."
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I can’t just medicate him indefinitely."
Paul: "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs. No new treatments without my permission."
He walks away.
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School Gym
Lynette is seated with a group of women gathered near a stage.
Ms. Truesdale: "I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood, and it is your involvement that make the plays here at Barcliffe Academy so special. Thank you." (clapping) "And now, I would like to turn over the next part of our meeting to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons."
Maisy: "Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves, we have new copies of the script up here. Tilda and Francis and I went to the rehearsal yesterday, and we were a little troubled by the ending. Killing the wolf. It says the wrong message to our kids. And we believe that animals should only be euphemized as a last resort."
Lynette laughs.
Maisy: "Do you find something amusing?"
Lynette: "I’m sorry, I thought you were kidding."
Maisy: "No."
Lynette: "Oh, okay."
Maisy: "So in our version, the wolf is aggressive because he has a thorn in his paw. And the woodsman will take out the thorn, and send Mr. Wolf on his way."
Lynette: "I’m sorry, aren’t we doing Little Red Riding Hood?"
Maisy: "Yes."
Lynette: "So then you are aware that the wolf is a bad guy. He eats Little Red’s grandma. If you let him go, he’s just going to chow down on another defenseless old lady."
Maisy: "I’m sorry, and you are?"
Lynette: "I’m Lynette Scavo. My twins just joined. They’re playing oak trees."
Maisy: "Oh, of course. Lynette. Let’s see, you are ... signed up to take tickets the night of the show, is that right?"
Lynette: "Yeah."
Maisy: "Well, with all due respect, let’s leave the creative suggestions to the mothers who have assumed the heavy lifting, shall we?"
Lynette: "Sure. Whatever."
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Bree's House
Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit at Bree's kitchen table, drinking coffee Bree pours for them.
Bree: "I must say, I’m jealous of how much time you two spend together.
My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day."
Gabrielle: "She sounds nice."
Danielle walks into the house with John.
Danielle: "Hey!"
Bree: "Oh, hey there, you two!"
Gabrielle: "Hi, John."
John: "Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "I wasn’t aware you two were friends."
John: "Yeah, we go to the same school."
Gabrielle: "Of course you do."
Danielle: "Mom, if you need anything, we’ll be upstairs in my room studying."
Bree: "Have fun."
Danielle and John leave.
Gabrielle: "Doesn’t it make you nervous, a boy alone upstairs with Danielle?"
Bree: "Oh no, I don’t worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence club."
Gabrielle chokes and spews out coffee.
Gabrielle: "The coffee is a little hot."
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Outside Susan's House
Susan opens up her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns around, she sees Paul getting into his car across the street.
"Susan was infuriated by Paul’s evasive answers."
Susan stares at Paul across the street.
Paul: "Hey!"
He waves at her.
"She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach, and hiding the truth. She hoped that finding one would lead to the other. To succeed, Susan would have to be evasive herself."
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Mrs. Greenberg's House
Susan rings the doorbell of Mrs. Greenberg's house, holding a package of eggs.
Mrs. Greenberg: "Susan. Long time, no see."
Susan: "Mrs. Greenberg. Do you remember those two eggs I let you borrow last Christmas?"
She opens up her carton eggs and motions to the two empty spaces in the container.
Susan: "I need those back."
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well gosh, honey, I’m fresh out, but if you want, I could run to the store."
Susan: "Oh, forget about it, it’s not that important, but since I’m here, do you still have that old hatchback sitting in your garage? Can I borrow it tomorrow?"
Mrs. Greenberg: "You want to borrow my car?"
Susan: "Just for a couple of hours."
Mrs. Greenberg: "Well, I’m not sure. Do you know how to drive a stick?"
Susan: "Yes, I think so. I learned in college. It’s like riding a bike, right?"
Mrs. Greenberg: "I’m not sure, dear."
Susan: "It’s not big deal. It’s just for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year."
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Dr. Goldfine's Office
Dr. Goldfine: "First off, I’m very pleased with the work we’re done in our sessions thus far. We’re making excellent progress."
Bree: "Thank you, I feel really good about it."
Dr. Goldfine: "But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven’t covered yet."
Bree: "Oh, really. Like what?"
Rex: "Um, I’re told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions that I’m not happy with our sex life."
Dr. Goldfine: "And Rex feels when you two have intercourse, you’re not as connected as you could be."
Bree: "Connected?"
Rex: "Well yeah, it’s like you’re thinking about other things. Is your hair getting messed up? Did you remember to buy the toothpaste? You’re just not there."
Dr. Goldfine: "This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem."
Rex: "So, we were talking, and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up."
Dr. Goldfine: "This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple on solving whatever sexual problems you may be having. I have an excellent referral."
Bree: "And what would this sexual surrogate person do?"
Rex: "Well, she would coach us."
Bree: "She!"
Dr. Goldfine: "She’s very discrete. You’ll hardly notice she's there."
Bree: "Oh. So she would be in the room with us, while we make love?"
Rex: "Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential."
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you have any questions?"
Bree: "Just one. How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last, because it is really starting to tick me off!"
She gets up and walks out.
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Lynette's House
The four women are seated around the dining room table, cards in front of them. Mama Solis is sitting off to the side, knitting.
Lynette: "All right. I think everyone is down for a nap. We’re got no more than an hour. Let’s get cracking. Five car draw, nothing wild."
Bree: "So how is it going with Mike, Susan?"
Susan: "It’s going, finally. We have our first official date next week.
I think he’s taking me to see a play or something."
Lynette: "Might I suggest the Barcliffe Academy production of Little Red Riding Hood?"
Susan: "Oh, that’s right, the twins? stage debut!"
Gabrielle: "Are they having fun?"
Lynette: "Sure, they get to play oak trees. I’m the one who has to deal with all the drama behind the scenes."
Bree: "Oh, I take it you’re met Maisy Gibbons."
Lynette: "She’s a total nightmare. I guess I shouldn’t have challenged her."
Bree: "Oh, dear."
Lynette: "Because now no one on the play committee even wants to talk to me."
Bree: "Oh, Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom."
Susan: "It hasn’t really changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile at you to your face, and then behind your back, they make fun of you because you’re the only one not shaving your legs yet."
Gabrielle gets up and goes to the living room where chips and dip are on a platter. She takes some as the women talk.
Lynette: "That would have never happened in Boy Scouts. When I worked, mostly with men, I preferred the way they fought. A guy takes his opponent on, face to face, and once he’s won, he’s top dog. It’s primitive, but it’s fair."
Susan: "And a lot less sneaky."
Gabrielle: "Isn’t it sexist of us to generalize like this?"
Gabrielle goes to the window and peeks outside, seeing John working outside across the street.
Lynette: "It’s science, Gabrielle. Sociologists have documented this stuff."
Gabrielle: "Well, who am I to argue with sociologists? (pauses) Wow this, uh, this guacamole has got a kick. I’m going to run to the little girls room. You guys go ahead, I might be a while."
Lynette: "I hate playing three handed poker. Let’s take a break."
Mama Solis: "I’ll play!"
Bree: "You play poker?"
Mama Solis: "I used to play a little with my grandfather."
Susan: "Pull up a chair."
Mama Solis: "Oh, I notice you were just playing for chips, huh. My grandfather used to say, it’s always more fun to play for money."
Lynette: "Why not? Fifty cents a bet?"
Mama Solis: "Make it a buck." She pulls a wad of cash out of her brassiere. "Three raise limit. Twenty dollar buy in."
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Bathroom
Gabrielle closes the door to the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror. Then she opens the window and peers down. Climbing over the windowsill, she falls outside, landing with a shriek. She looks over the fence to where John is mowing the lawn. She climbs over the fence by stepping on stacked wood, knocking them over. Once over the top of the fence, she falls. John rushes over.
John: "Mrs. Solis! What are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "Why haven’t you returned any of my phone calls?"
John: "I’re been busy."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I’re seen who you’re been busy with."
John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she’s just a friend."
Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can’t even pronounce"
John: "Well, a lot of good it does me with your mother-in-law following you around all the time. Look, maybe we should just cool it for awhile."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, John, please don’t say that. I have everything under control."
They kiss.
Gabrielle: "Now give me a boost."
He helps her climb back over the fence.
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Lynette's House
Gabrielle walks back into the dining room.
Gabrielle: "Hey! So what did I miss?"
Mama Solis: "Not much, just a few friendly hands of poker with the girls."
There is a huge stack of money in front of Mama Solis as she pulls it all towards her. The other women look stunned.
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Play Rehearsal
Maisy: "I'm sorry I'm late. As I’m sure you have all heard, Celia Bond broke her wrist playing tennis, which means we are now in desperate need of someone to do the costumes. I’m keeping my fingers crossed here. Are there any volunteers?"
Lynette (standing up): "I’ll do it."
Maisy: "Really, that’s a ... do you know how to sew?"
Lynette (sits down): "Absolutely."
Maisy: "Well, great, uh, thank you, Lynette!" (clapping)
Lynette (stands up again): "Okay. So, now that I’m going to do some, heavy lifting, I believe I have a right to talk about the changes made to the script?"
She pauses. Nobody says anything, so she rushes forward to stand next to Maisy and address the group.
Lynette: "Um, ladies. We all grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and we survived it, scary stuff and all, so I say, to hell with political correctness, let our kids experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed. Let’s kill the damn wolf, and just put on the best show we can." (clapping)
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech, but I believe that ship has sailed."
Jordana: "No, it hasn’t. We still have time to change the ending back." Ms. Truesdale: "And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale - I don’t think it will upset the children."
Maisy: "Well, I think you are wrong."
Lynette: "Well, that’s what’s so great about being in a democracy. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Also, everyone has a right to vote. So all in favor of the woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf’s ass..."
She raises her hand. And slowly, the others follow, except for Maisy, who glares at Lynette.
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Outside of Paul's House
Sitting in her borrowed car, hidden mostly from view, Susan puts on a pair of sunglasses and watches Paul get into his SUV and drive away.
Then she follows him - after a lurching start.
Susan: "Oh!"
He pulls into a parking lot and gets out. Susan slows down and looks at the sign stating "Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center."
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Restaurant
Bree is sitting alone at her table when she notices Dr. Goldfine sit down at another table, also alone, with a book. Bree takes a sip of wine, then gets up and goes to his table.
Bree: "Dr. Goldfine."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree."
Bree: "You’re dining alone?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Actually, I am."
Bree: "Well, what a coincidence. So am I. It seems a shame for us to eat by ourselves. Shall I, pull up a chair?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, it’s nothing personal, but I never socialize with clients."
Bree: "Oh," she pauses. "Oh, I get it. I’m so sorry, of course, it’s, it's inappropriate. It’s just that after what happened yesterday, there’s so much I need to say because..." she pauses. "I suppose it can wait."
She walks back over to her table and sits down, taking a sip from her glass of wine. Then they take turns looking at each other. And finally he waves her to come back over and sit across from him. Bree breathes a sigh of relief and gets up to join him.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is on the phone.
Gabrielle: "No, Lynette, I’m sorry, Juanita’s taking a bath. Well, how much did she win from you? Geez," She laughs. "Yeah, I guess she’ll take a check. Okay. All right. Bye."
Carlos: "What was that about?"
Gabrielle: "It turns out your mother is quite the card shark."
Carlos: "You let her play cards? How long did she play?"
Gabrielle: "Not that long, why?"
Carlos walks away from her.
"Carlos, what is it?"
Carlos: "I never told you this, but my mother had a serious gambling problem."
Gabrielle: "Was this before we were married?"
Carlos: "Yeah. It was bad. She went into debt. She dipped into her savings, started hocking jewelry..."
Gabrielle: "Honey, it was only a small neighborhood game."
Carlos: "But it doesn’t take much for her to fall off the wagon. I know she seems like a very strong woman, but..."
Gabrielle: "She has a major weakness. Honey, oh," she embraces him. "It's okay. You were right to tell me this."
She smiles.
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Restaurant
Dr. Goldfine. "And you understand I have to treat this as a session."
Bree: "Of course, that's fine. Shall I include the meal?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh no. We’ll split that."
Bree writes a check for $180.00 payable to Dr. Albert Goldfine and hands it over.
Dr. Goldfine: "So, let’s talk about yesterday. You think there might have been some truth in what Rex said?"
Bree: "No, I don’t."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you know, it’s not uncommon for people experiencing sexual repression to distance themselves from the act."
Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex."
Dr. Goldfine: "All right."
Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man’s nipple ever so gently. And then there’s the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a fan."
Waiter: "Can I get you something?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Uh, just the check, please."
Waiter: "Sir, you haven’t ordered yet."
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh."
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Gabrielle's Car
Gabrielle and Mama Solis drive up to "The Torch Lake Casino."
Mama Solis: "We’re not shopping?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I thought we would stop here for lunch first. This place has the best buffet in town. All you can eat crab legs. Oh no!"
Mama Solis: "What’s wrong? Let’s go!" Mama is already out of the car.
Gabrielle: "I didn’t realize how late it was. They’re only holding the suede mini for me until two. If we stay, I’ll never make it. We’ll just have lunch at the mall."
Mama Solis: "Wait, uh, I’m really in the mood for crab legs. Why don’t you just drop me off, and you can come back."
Gabrielle: "Well, if the mall is crowded, it might take over an hour."
Mama Solis: "It’s a buffet. There’s no rush!"
Mama Solis rushes inside. Gabrielle picks up her cell phone and calls somebody as she drives away.
Gabrielle: "Hi John. Motel. Ten minutes. Be there."
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Play Rehearsal
Lynette (to a child in a costume): "All right. Off you go. Thanks."
Maisy: "Ooh, Lynette. I couldn’t help but notice, you forgot the coonskin on that hunter’s coonskin cap."
Lynette: "Oh, yeah, huh, it was a creative call. Look, I’m in the middle of a costume crisis, and if I don’t take a few shortcuts, I’ll never finish."
Maisy: "Well, Jordana Guist manages to get her work done. She runs the consessions, paints the sets, and still has time to take care of her three kids and a husband. Now, we can’t have the students suffer just because you don’t understand the concept of time management."
Lynettte: "I hardly think the kids are going to suffer without a clump of fur on their heads."
Maisy: "Okay, I’ll make a creative call. We’ll cut the oak trees. That forest is looking a little dense, anyway."
Lynette: "My boys are the oak trees."
Maisy: "Are they? Well, I wouldn’t worry. We’ll find something for them to do back stage. That’s where the real action is."
Lynette: "I’ll finish the costumes."
Maisy: "Well, crisis averted."
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Susan's House
Julie: "You have lost your mind."
Susan: "I checked up on this Silvercrest place. It’s a treatment center for troubled kids. Who’s gonna notice one more? I create the distraction. You blend in and find Zach."
Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?"
Susan: "I don’t know, Julie. You pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little. Come on, work with me here!"
Julie: "Mom, when this is over, we need to talk about your parenting skills."
Susan: "Okay, fine, if you don’t want to help me, I’m not going to force you."
Julie: "It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just, why does this mean so much to you?"
Susan: "Because Mary Alice was a wonderful person, and now all anybody thinks about her is that she went off the deep end and did this terrible selfish thing, and I think there is more to it than that. She was my friend, Julie, and I owe it to her to find out the truth."
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Outside of the Casino
Mama Solis is sitting on a park bench, as stoic as the large wooden Indian statue next to her as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.
Gabrielle: "Juanita, what’s wrong?"
Mama Solis doesn't say anything. Gabrielle puts the car in park and goes over to sit by her mother-in-law.
Gabrielle: "Juanita!"
Mama Solis: "I didn’t go to the buffet. I went gambling instead, and I lost."
Gabrielle: "Well, how much did you have on you? It couldn’t have been much."
Mama Solis: "I used Carlos? credit card."
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, how much did you charge?"
Mama Solis: "I don’t know, it stopped working."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean, it stopped working. That thing has, like, a $15,000 credit limit."
They both look at each other with shocked expressions.
Gabrielle: "Oh."
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Hotel Room
Rex takes a bite of food, standing up, when there's a knock on the door. Rex, with food in hand, walks over to open it. Outside the door is Bree, covered in a full-length fur coat.
Bree: "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with you?"
Rex: "Bree, what are you doing here?"
Bree: "It’s a little chilly out here, do you mind if we discuss this inside?"
Rex: "C'mon in."
Rex moves aside and Bree walks in.
Bree: "It sure is nice and toasty in here."
She unwraps the fur, revealing that she is only wearing a lacy red bra and panties.
Rex: "You look amazing."
Bree: "Thanks. I was hoping you抎 notice." She walks around. "Well, it certainly isn’t the Ritz, but it has all the essentials."
She gets on the bed and Rex tosses the burrito on the nightstand and joins her on the bed.
Rex: "I don’t know what to say."
Bree: "Then perhaps you shouldn’t say anything."
They begin kissing passionately, with Rex on top. He yanks his shirt off, down to his white undershirt and kisses her down his body.
Bree looks over and sees the burrito about to spill from the dresser to the floor.
Bree: "Oh Rex, oh baby, stop, I just need a minute."
Rex: "Oh, sweetie. Just leave it. Just leave it!"
Bree tries to take his advice, but her eyes keep going back to the burrito, about to fall. Suddenly, she reaches over and saves the burrito from the spill. She turns to him, and runs her hand over him.
Bree: "Okay, baby, where were we?"
Rex gets up angrily: "I told you to leave it."
Bree: "Sorry. I just - ah, come on, are you going to make a big deal about this?"
Rex: "You know, to tell you the truth..."
He walks over and opens up the door.
Rex: "...now is not really a good time for me."
Bree (angrily): "Well it’s obvious you’re never had to remove a cheese stain. Hmph!"
She leaves.
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Play Rehearsal
Lynette and Jordana are the only ones left in the gym. Lynette is on the phone as she sews costumes.
Lynette: "Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan. And Gabby can't sew to save her life but seriously, I’m going to be fine. But thanks anyway. Bye!"
Jordana: "Well, I’m a little ahead with my painting Do you need some help?"
Lynette: "Oh Jordana, you are really a lifesaver, thank you. Here, these pieces need trim."
Jordana: "I’ll help for as long as I can, but I have a lot on my plate tonight. I have to make twenty-five mini quiches for my book club."
Lynette: "You’re not human, are you! You were sent by aliens to make the human race feel inadequate."
They laugh.
Lynette: "Seriously, how, how do you cram it all in?"
Jordana: "Can you keep a secret?"
Lynette: "Um, sure."
Jordana gets a bottle of pills from her purse.
Lynette: "That’s ADD medication. My kids take this, or they almost did. I thought it was supposed to calm you down?"
Jordana: "Um, it has the opposite effect if you don’t have attention deficit disorder. Ever chug a pot of turkish coffee?"
Lynette: "Seriously, you’re taking your kids medication?"
Jordana: "Once in a while. Do you want a couple?"
Lynette: "Oh, that’s very kind of you, but I just smoked some crack a little while ago, so I better not mix."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle: "This is what we’ll do. I’ll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card, and Carlos will never find out!"
Mama Solis: "You would do that for me?"
Gabrielle: "Of course I would, why wouldn’t I?"
Mama Solis: "Well, for starters, you hate me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that is overstating it ... a little. The bottom line is, no matter how much I dislike you, I love Carlos more. If Carlos finds out about the money, he’ll be devastated. I don’t want to see him hurt. You don’t have to believe I’m a good person, but at least believe I care about my husband."
Mama Solis just stares at her.
Gabrielle: "Fine, to heck with it. I’m not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I’m calling Carlos."
"Juanita might have been the gambler of the family."
Mama Solis: "Wait, I believe you."
"But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff."
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Silvercrest Juvenile Rehabilitation Center.Susan and Julie start to walk into the Center. A nurse, sitting at a desk with her back to them, is working. Susan motions for Julie to stay back, and then walks up to the nurse.
Susan: "Hi, I’m Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher."
Nurse: "Yes, yes, he’s expecting you, let me get him for you."
Once the nurse walks away, Susan motions to Julie and Julie walks quickly in. Susan mimes that Julie should stick a finger down her throat and Julie grins as she rushes off. The doctor walks in.
Dr. Sicher: "Hi, I’m Dr. Sicher. So you're here doing research for a children’s book."
Susan: "I sure am."
Julie finds Zach lying on a bed in his room and she opens the door.
Julie: "Zach?"
Zach: "Oh hi, Julie."
Julie: "What’s wrong with you?"
Zach: "It’s just all these pills they make me take. They kind of make me sleepy. What are you doing here?"
Julie: "I came to see how you were, and to ask you something. Look, I don’t have much time."
Zach: "What is it?"
Julie: "Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp that your mom killed herself because of something you did, something bad. What were you talking about?"
Zach: "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little. What happened to Dana."
Julie: "Dana, who’s Dana?"
A nurse walks into the room.
Nurse: "What are you doing here?"
Julie: "I was just - visiting my friend."
Nurse: "This patient is not allowed visitors."
Julie: "I guess I have to go. I am so sorry, Zach."
She puts her hand on his for a moment, then gets up to leave.
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Bree's House
Bree is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly repairing a mug, when Rex walks in.
Rex: "Hi. I don’t want to disturb you, I just left some important papers here. What are you doing?"
Bree: "I’m repairing a chipped mug."
Rex: "Why don’t you just buy a new one?"
Bree: "Because I think it is better to fix what you already have."
Rex: "Listen, um, about what happened today..."
Bree: "You humiliated me, Rex. For no good reason."
Rex: "I’m sorry."
Bree: "I was there. I was willing. Normal men don’t say no to that."
Rex: "You, you upset me."
Bree: "See, but I don’t think that’s the reason. After I left the motel, I um, did some thinking about us and our sex life, and I realized there has been a disconnect, but it’s coming from you. "
Rex: "That’s ridiculous."
Bree: "How many years have we been making love, and you've started to ask me something, but then you stop?"
Rex: "I, I don’t know what you’re talking about."
Bree: "You are unhappy with our sex life because you’re not getting something from me, but you’re simply too afraid to ask."
Rex: "My problem with our sex life is that you can’t stop thinking about the house work."
Bree: "Well, then, if that is the case, then take me, right here, right now. The house is spotless. There aren’t any burritos lying around to pull my focus..."
Rex: "I’m not in the mood."
Bree: "Why not? We haven’t had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded men would be climbing the walls by now."
Rex: "Please, don’t do this."
Bree: "Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you. I will go there with you, you just have to say it out loud. Tell me, what do you want? What do you need?"
Rex: "I need for you to stop talking like this."
Bree: "Why?"
Rex: "Because you sound like a whore."
Bree: "No I don’t. I sound like a woman whose husband won’t touch her. Rex, after Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me. We all have our secrets, and I think it’s time for you to tell me yours."
Rex stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head.
Rex: "I’m going."
He leaves.
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Nighttime, Lynette's House
"That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away, Lynette was in the middle of her own personal nightmare. Determined her boys would not miss their fairy tale debut, Lynette stayed up 18 hours staright, sewing. But she began to fear her story would not have a happy ending."
She begins to cry.
"Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy."
Lynette goes up to the bathroom and opens the cabinet above the sink. She takes down her children's ADD medication, and takes two pills.
"And once she had taken it...the magic kept working...."
Lynette uses the sewing machine to sew.
"...and working..."
Lynette uses the glue gun to put the costumes together.
"...and working."
The next morning, Lynette has completely cleaned the house until it looks spotless and is currently using a Q-tip to clean parts of the kitchen cabinets.
"It wasn't until noon that lynette finally took a break. And the realizty of what she had done began to sink in."
Lynette walks briskly to the bathroom where she stares at herself in the mirror. She brushes some hair away from her face and says softly,
"My, what big eyes you have."
She brushes at some stains on her shirt, shrugs, then turns away.
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos gives Mama Solis, who's sitting on the couch, a drink. Gabrielle calls out to her.
Gabrielle: "Mama Juanita, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"
Mama Solis: "I'm fine, thank you."
Carlos: "So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?"
Mama Solis: "Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more I think she's probably not stepping out on you."
Carlos: "Really?"
Mama Solis: "Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows, but she loves you. I can tell."
Carlos kisses her cheek.
Carlos: "Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that. You know, it's funny. I really think she loves you, too."
Mama Solis: "Oh?"
Carlos: "I got concerend when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told her about your little problem."
Mama Solis: "You told her about my gambling problem?"
Carlos: "Don't be mad, mama. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits. And Gabrielle was very concerned about you."
Mama Solis: "She knew."
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Susan's House
Susan looks through one of Julie's yearbooks.
Susan: "I don't get it. I've gone through all your yearbooks and you and Zach never went to school with anybody named Dana."
Julie: "He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with."
Susan: "Did it sound like a relative?"
Julie: "He said Dana. It sounded like Dana. Unless he was using a code, that's all I've got."
Susan gets up from the table and joins Julie at the sink. As they talk, she looks out the window, watching as Paul, across the street, mows his lawn.
Susan: "Okay, gimme a break here. I'm just grasping at straws."
Julie: "I'm sorry. It's...I'm worried about Zach. It's really creepy in there. Can't we get him out?"
Susan: "Honey, it's up to his father."
Julie: "Then I at least want to visit again."
Paul stops mowing and looks straight at them.
Susan: "I don't think that's a good idea either."
Julie: "Why?"
Susan: "I just have a feeling."
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Gabrielle's House
Mama Solis is sitting on the porch, knitting. She watches Gabrielle drive up.
"Juanita was now more convinced than ever that her treacherous daughter-in-law was having an affair. But the question remained, with whom?"
Gabrielle gets out of her car, checks the mail, then continues up the walk, past John, who's working on the yard, without saying anything to him. "
~The End~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.07 - Anything You Can Do
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Alberta Holstein" - Lee Garlington
"Mama Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Kendra" - Heather Stephens
"Jordana Geist" - Stacey Travis
"Jim Peterson" - Edward Edwards
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Bartender" - Blake Adams
"Cowgirl Waitress" - Sara Astin
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Middle Aged Man" - Jimm Giannini
"Man" - Will Greenberg
"Janie Peterson" - Elizabeth Storm
"Principal Stark" - Trisha Simmons
"Cab Driver" - Gene Wolande
Written by: John Pardee & Joey Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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An middle-aged man is jogging in Wisteria Lane. As he runs, a younger, more fit man runs past him easily.
"Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed...
...or how lovingly she watered...
...or how generously she fertilized...
...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence."
Mrs. Huber throws down some fertilizer she had been holding, and notices the middle-aged man jog up to her place. He stops in front of
Mrs. Huber.
Mrs. Huber: "Hello, Victor, how are you today? Out jogging again?"
Victor: "I can't catch my breath."
Mrs. Huber: "Would you like a slurp from my hose?"
He nods, then collapses to his knees falling on the ground.
Mrs. Huber: "Victor? Victor? Don't worry, I'm going to get an ambulance!"
She starts to go inside, then stops, looking over next door to Bree's house.
"Then one day, Mrs. Huber finally got the chance to mow down the competition."
Mrs. Huber transports Victor by red wheelbarrow to Bree’s lawn, and dumps him in the flower bed.
Mrs. Huber: "Help! Somebody help!"
Bree gasps. "What happened?"
Mrs. Huber: "He collapsed on your hydrangeas! Call 911!"
Bree runs inside.
Later, Victor is put on a stretcher and EMS workers whisk him away in an ambulance. Bree looks down at her destroyed lawn in dismay.
"Yes. Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition. In order to win, you have to want it more..."
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Bree's House
There is a copy of Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert on a wooden table, next to a tray with crackers and garnish.
"When I was alive, my friends and I came together once a month for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane Book Club. We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing."
"...the way they dealt with adversity..."
Lynette pops some pills.
"...conducted illicit affairs..."
Gabrielle walks by John.
"...endured domestic dramas..."
Rex walks out of the house with Bree looking frustrated behind him.
"...and planned romantic conquests."
Susan circles a date in her calendar that reads "Date with Mike!"
"But since my death, my friends had lost their interest in fiction. Their own problems had become absorbing enough."
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Bree's House
Woman: "So, what did everybody think?"
Lynette: "I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational."
She pushes her baby carriage around the room. Susan nods her agreement as she turns a page in her copy of the book.
Woman: "Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic."
Lynette: "Really?"
Woman: "You didn't read until the end?"
Lynette: "I stopped after page 50."
Woman: "Am I the only one who read the book?"
Susan: "I saw the movie. It was really good."
Woman: "Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?"
Bree: "More wine? So, uh, Reba, Emma and Lori... Why don't you girls come to the kitchen and help me with the snacks?"
Woman: "Sure."
Bree: "I will be right in."
The three women walk into the kitchen and Bree closes the double doors on the three ladies, trapping them in the kitchen.
Bree: "God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack."
Susan: "He’s at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him."
Lynette: "Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?"
Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it."
Gabrielle: "Who the hell's Dana?"
Lynette: "That's the mystery part."
Susan: "I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide."
Lynette: "So somebody found out Mary Alice’s secret..."
Bree: "...and sent the note."
Gabrielle: "So who the hell is that?"
Susan shrugs.
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The detective lays a copy of the purple stationary next to Mary Alice's note in front of Paul.
Detective: "The stationary is particle #17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office."
Paul: "Meaning?"
Detective: "Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom..."
Paul: "Soccer mom?"
Detective: "Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee."
Paul: "Did you catch her?"
Detective: "Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her."
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Lynette's House
Lynette puts away a book as Tom comes down the stairs. Lynette scurries around the kitchen, cleaning.
Tom: "Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!"
Lynette: Thanks."
Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign."
Lynette: "Great! You wanna run it by me?"
Tom: "No. I'm good. But, thanks."
Lynette: "Okay." She smiles and turns away.
Tom: "Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?"
Lynette: "Yeah?"
Tom: "I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could..."
Lynette: "And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?"
Tom: "Uh ... day after tomorrow!"
Lynette: "Tom!
Tom: "Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice."
Lynette: "You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?"
Tom: "I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time..."
Lynette stops what she's doing to stare at him.
Lynette: "What did you say?"
Tom: "Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it."
Lynette: "No, no. Let’s, let's do it.
Tom: "Really?"
Lynette: "Yeah, it’s good for your career. I'll pull it off."
Tom comes over and kisses her.
Tom: "Yes. Honey, thank you. So much. You know, what, I promise. I land you this account, and I'm gonna buy you something awful pretty."
He goes back upstairs.
"Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success..."
She opens the drawer with the pills, but upon taking it out, realizes that it's empty.
"...unfortunately for her, she was missing the secret ingredient."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Gabrielle's House
Mama Solis is sitting on the front porch, reading. John turns off the lawn mower and goes to his truck to get something. His phone rings, so he answers it.
John: "Yeah?"
It's Gabrielle. She comes out on her balcony as she talks, looking down at him.
Gabrielle: "It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you."
John: "I hate that she's always watching us."
Gabrielle: "So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?"
John: "Uh, I've got plans."
Gabrielle: "So cancel."
John: "They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies."
Gabrielle: "That sounds like a date."
John: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls."
John turns around to stare up at her as he talks.
John: "Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal."
He hangs up on her and stalks off, with Mama Solis watching him thoughtfully. Gabrielle, furious, storms into her bedroom, where she tosses the phone on her bed before going into the bathroom. John's phone rings and he looks at the caller ID, which reads "Mrs. Solis." He answers the phone.
John: "Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty"
The phone goes dead.
John: "Hello?"
Upstairs, in Gabrielle's bedroom, Mama Solis closes Gabrielle's cell phone, a look of smiling comprehension on her face. She puts the phone carefully back down on the bed.
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Principal's Office
In the principal's office of Andrew's school, Rex and Bree are seated. Bree is reading from Madame Bovary while Rex sits quietly. The principal walks in. Principal Stark: "Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp. So, your son decided to entertain some of his friends yesterday by shoving a freshman’s head into a locker."
Bree: "This was the Johnson boy?"
Principal Stark: "Yes. He broke the boy’s nose. Because of our no tolerance policy, your son may face expulsion."
Rex: "You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing? "
Bree: "Rex, this was practically assault."
Rex: "Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems."
Bree: "Is that relevant?"
Rex: "Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry."
Bree: "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!"
Rex: "All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here."
Bree: "And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems..." Bree turns to Principal Stark, "...which are not so serious..." she turns back to Rex, "...does not help him."
Rex: "Our problems are serious!"
Bree: "Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit."
Rex: "Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today."
Bree: "You went to an attorney?"
Rex: "Yeah! And a good one too!"
Bree: "Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!"
Rex: "Bring it on!"
Principal Stark: "Perhaps detention is the way to go."
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Susan's Bedroom
Susan gets dressed for her date with Mike.
Julie: "Mom, you're getting too dressed up."
Susan: "I know, but I wanna look really sexy."
Julie: "I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven."
Susan: "Hmm. How about midnight?"
Julie: "All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?"
Susan: "Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation."
Julie: "We are because I enjoy being an only child."
Susan: "Are you finished?"
Julie: "Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again."
Susan: "Okay, you can leave now."
She pushes Julie out of her bedroom, smiling, as she closes the door behind her.
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Mike's House
Mike finishes getting dressed in a suit, and looks at himself in a mirror. He turns to Bongo, who's lying on the floor watching him.
Mike: "What do you think? Trying too hard? Well, what do you know, it’s 80 degrees outside and you're wearing fur."
He hears a knock on his front door, so he grabs his keys and opens the door. Standing there is a beautiful woman.
Kendra: "Hey, Mike."
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Susan crosses the street in her dress to Mike's house. She sees Edie outside of Paul Young's house, putting up a For Sale sign, and stops to talk.
Susan: "Hey, Edie!"
Edie: "Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you."
Susan: "Oh this?" Susan laughs. "Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI."
She walks up to Mike's house and knocks on the door. He opens it, looking uncomfortable. He steps out onto the porch with Susan, closing he door behind him.
Susan: "Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice."
Mike: "Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest."
The door opens from the inside, revealing Kendra.
Kendra: "Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra."
Susan: "Susan."
Kendra: "I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff."
Susan walks to the edge of the porch, looking at Kendra.
Mike: "I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend."
Susan: "Old friend?"
Mike: "Yeah, you know..."
Susan: "Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?"
Mike: "It’s hard to explain."
Susan: "Could you give it a shot?"
Kendra returns.
Kendra: "Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower."
She goes inside.
Mike: "I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look ... amazing."
Kendra (calling from inside): "Mike, where are the towels?" He turns and leaves.
Susan: "Thanks."
Susan is walking back to her house, hiding her face with her purse as she passes by Edie.
Edie: "Hey, how was your big date?"
Susan: "Mike had to reschedule."
Edie: "Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI."
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Paul's House
Paul and Edie walk into the kitchen.
Paul: "Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do."
Edie: "Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul: "I am?"
Edie: "Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here."
Paul: "Is there any way to get around it?"
Edie: "Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow."
She leaves. Paul sees that she's left behind some of her stuff and calls out to her.
Paul: "Edie, wait."
He notices that sticking out the leather folder is a piece of light purple stationary. He pulls it out to stare at it.
"Paul had always known Edie Brit was capable of doing anything to close a deal."
Paul opens up the container he was keeping Mary Alice's note in. He compares the two pieces of paper.
"But now he realized she was capable of so much more."
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Outside
Gabrielle is jogging when she runs into Danielle, who was being dropped off by some friends. She stops to talk.
Gabrielle: "Hey, Danielle."
Danielle: "Hey, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?"
Danielle: "You remember that? That was, like, last summer!"
Gabrielle: "Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?"
Danielle: "Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?"
Gabrielle: "I sure would."
Danielle: "I would so love to go to New York."
Gabrielle: "Oh, and I would so love to help you get there."
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Park
Jordana sits on a bench, watching her children play, when Lynette comes up to her.
Lynette: "Hey, Jordana!"
Jordana: "Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?"
Lynette: "Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people."
Jordana: "Sounds fun."
Lynette: "Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?"
Jordana (calling to her kids): "Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week."
Lynette: "Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often."
Jordana: "Yeah, sisters are great."
Lynette: "Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here."
Jordana: "Yeah, the come down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help."
Lynette: "I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana."
Jordana: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lynette: "It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!"
She leaves.
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Bree's House
Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle sit at the dining room table. Danielle brushes her hair, Rex has a glass of soda in his hands, and Bree has a nearly empty wine glass in front of her.
Andrew: "What's this about?"
Rex: "You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced."
Bree: "But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much,"
Andrew: "I've got a question."
Bree: "Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want."
Andrew: "Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy."
Bree sits still for a minute, then she and Rex look at each other.
Bree: "Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father."
Danielle: "I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom."
Bree: "Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache."
She gets up and leaves the room. Rex looks after her.
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Mike's House
Mike's maps are spread out over his kitchen table. Kendra leans over the table, looking at them.
Kendra: "Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?"
Mike: "There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out."
Kendra: "Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit."
Mike: "Well, I changed my mind."
Kendra: "This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father’s money. "
Mike: "You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?"
Kendra: "That’s not funny. Mike, here’s the thing."
Mike: "What?"
Kendra: "Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it’s over. Let me have my father back."
Mike: "If I quit he'll just hire somebody else."
Kendra: "Not if you tell him there’s nothing here to find."
Mike: "Oh, I can't do that."
Kendra: "What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike."
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Susan's Garage
Susan and Lynette are looking through Susan’s garage. Susan takes a blanket from one of the boxes and tosses it to the side, pulling out something for Lynette.
Susan: "Oh, here it is."
Lynette: "Great, this will keep the crab dip warm. It took forever to shell the little buggers, but it'll be worth it."
Susan: "You shelled your own crabs? Okay, I don't want to butt in, but are you doing too much? Because you look exhausted."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm fine. I just need some coffee." Lynette kisses Susan. "Thank you."
She starts to walk away. Susan notices the blanket she put aside before.
Susan: "Oh my god, look at this embroidery."
Lynette: "'Dana.' Where did this come from?"
Susan: "Paul Young’s garage sale."
Lynette: "Dana. Wow. Dana was a baby."
Lynette rubs her fingers over the blanket.
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Outside of Bree's House
Rex brings Andrew outside, with his hand over Andrew's eyes.
Rex: "Surprise!"
Andrew: "No way!"
Rex: "Yep."
Andrew: "No way!"
Rex: "Yeah, it’s all yours! Here are the keys."
Bree comes outside.
Bree: "Rex, what’s this about?"
Rex: "I went and splurged a little. Oh Danielle, here’s your present."
He pulls a suitcase out of the back.
Danielle: "Luggage?"
Rex: "Yeah. It’s to take with you to the Pershing Modeling Academy. I'm footing the entire bill."
Danielle: "You mean that I can really go to New York?"
Bree: "Wait a minute. What's all this about a modeling academy?"
Danielle: "It’s my new career. Mrs. Solis is sponsoring me."
Bree: "Oh, is she now! And when you were planning on telling me?"
Rex: "She told me, and I think it’s a great idea."
Bree: "Don't you two see what he is doing? He’s trying to get you on his side. He’s trying to buy your love."
Rex: "Oh for God’s sake, don't be paranoid!"
Bree: "A car? A modeling academy? You should have discussed these gifts with me first. I'm sorry kids, but we cannot accept them."
Andrew: "Dad, you can't let her do this!"
Rex: "Bree, we just told the kids we're getting divorced. Isn't it time to spoil them a little?"
Bree: "I said no."
Rex: "You know what, they're my kids too, and I can give them anything I want."
He takes the keys from Bree's hands and puts them in Andrew's hand.
Rex: "There you go!"
Andrew: "Yes!"
Danielle: "Thank you Daddy!"
The kids get in the car and drive away.
Bree glares at Rex. He stands to face her, triumphant. She watches her kids drive away, passing by the Solis residence as Gabrielle pulls up in her car.
Bree storms over to where Gabrielle is removing shopping bags from her car.
Bree: "Did you offer to help Danielle get into modeling school?"
Gabrielle: "What? Uh, yes, no, um, is that how she heard it?"
Bree: "Yes. Gabrielle, did you, or did you not offer to sponsor her?"
Gabrielle: "I just wanted to help out."
Bree: "It’s in New York, for God’s sakes, why on earth would you suggest that?"
Gabrielle: "It’s her dream, and don't you want her to be happy?"
Bree: "No, and in the future I would appreciate you keeping your ridiculous ideas to yourself!"
Gabrielle: "Bree..."
Bree leaves, furious.
John, who heard the conversation, looks at Gabrielle with hostility, and then turns away.
Gabrielle: "John...John..."
Gabrielle runs after him.
John: "You're so jealous of Danielle, you try to ship her off to New York?"
Gabrielle: "I'm not jealous. I just don't like to share."
John: "Well, you know what, I quit. The yard. Us. Everything!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, don't be that way."
John: "Well, what’s the point if we can never be together? You know, an hour here, an hour there."
Gabrielle: "I don't want us to end on a bad note. Carlos has this black tie thing tonight. I could slip..."
John: "Mrs. Solis..."
Gabrielle: "John, please, what we had was so special. I think it deserves a proper goodbye."
She runs her hand down John’s tank top.
John: "We'd still be over though..."
Gabrielle: "Of course!"
Mama Solis, hiding around the corner, smiles, as she eats something.
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Neighbor's House
Lynette and the neighbor watch their kids scream and play in the backyard.
Lynette: "I knew this play date was a good idea."
Woman: "Oh, yeah. Thank you for suggesting it. Your boys are the only ones I know who could tire out Timmy."
Lynette: "Yep. He's a feisty one."
The woman laughs and agrees.
Lynette: "Hey, word on the street is that you've been medicating Timmy..."
Woman: "Oh yeah, for his ADD. The pills have been a godsend."
Lynette: "I bet...can I use your bathroom?"
In the bathroom, she closes the door behind her, then quickly flushes the toilet, then turns on the water in the sink. She opens up the medicine cabinet and takes down the ADD pill container. She opens it and swallows one, then puts the container back.
"As Lynette swallowed the stolen medication of an eight-year-old child, she vowed she'd never again sink to such depths..."
Lynette takes the bottle again and pours a handful into her hand.
"... any time soon."
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Paul's House
Sitting in a car, Paul and Mr. Shaw look at Mary Alice's note, comparing it with the stationary from Edie.
Mr. Shaw: "Well, looks like you've got your blackmailer. Is it time to bring in the police?"
Paul: "That’s not really an option for me. Before my wife shot herself, we lived a life that I was proud of. We loved each other. We had values. We went to church. We gave to charity. We were good people Mr. Shaw."
Mr. Shaw: "I believe you."
Paul: "That’s why it’s so incomprehensible to me that Edie Brit would try to destroy us."
Mr. Shaw: "Well, you've suffered a great loss. For your pain to heal, that’s going to take some time."
Paul: "I can't wait, I need help now."
Mr. Shaw: "For five grand she’s hurt. For ten grand she’s gone."
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Outside of Bree's House
Andrew and Danielle drive up to Bree's house. Outside of the house are all of their possessions. Bree methodically adds more items to the piles on the lawn.
Danielle: "Mom, what’s going on?"
Bree: "Oh, I'm throwing you out. I've separated all your things into two sides. One side is yours, Danielle, and the other one is Andrews."
Andrew: "Okay, you've lost it."
Danielle: "Where are we supposed to live?"
Bree: "Darned if I know. Uh, Danielle, everything in the north quadrant of your side is clothes and books and such, and the south side are miscellaneous items."
Andrew: "Mom, this isn't going to work. Okay, I'm not giving up my car."
Bree: "That’s a smart idea, because you're probably going to have to sleep in it for a while."
Danielle (while picking up her items): "Mom, you can't stop us from going back inside the house."
Bree: "Oh, no? That's Mr. Conlan, the locksmith. He's been very helpful today. Of course, I could give you the new keys, which would mean you'd have to adhere to my rules, which would include giving back your father's gifts."
Danielle: "Okay, fine, you win. I won't go to New York."
Bree drops a key into Danielle's hand and then looks expectantly at Andrew. He shakes his head. Andrew: "I'm outta here."
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Outside Paul Young's House
Mike and Kendra start up towards the open house that Edie is having for Paul Young's house.
Kendra: "An open house in the suburbs? This is beyond quiche."
Mike: "Behave yourself. It’s one of the houses on the street I've had a hard time getting into."
Kendra: "God, I wish you would let this go."
They pass by Edie who overhears the first part of their conversation.
Mike: "I'm taking you out for drinks tonight. There’s this cowboy bar called the Saddle Ranch, you need to see."
Kendra: "Why?"
Mike: "It’s the last place anybody ever saw your sister."
Susan walks up to the house and runs into Edie.
Edie: "Susan! What brings you here?"
Susan: "I just wanted to say goodbye to Mary Alice’s house, before somebody else moved in."
Edie: "Aw, that sounds almost plausible."
Susan: "I beg your pardon?"
Edie: "Oh, come on. We both know why you're here, and the answer is yes, they are having sex. No question."
Susan: "You don't know what you are talking about. They're just friends."
Edie: "Hmm, think so? I overheard them saying they're going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. For drinks. And dancing."
Susan: "So friends can do that."
Edie: "Oh my god, I just want to slap and shake you."
Edie walks away.
Susan sees Kendra touch Mike’s stomach playfully.
Susan: "Where did you say they were going tonight?"
Susan runs after Edie.
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Saddle Ranch
Susan: "I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here. There is obviously nothing going on between them."
Edie: "Where are you going?"
Susan: "I'm going to the bathroom and I'm going home. I don't want Mike to catch me here."
Edie: "It’s only been ten minutes. She could be waiting to make her move."
In the background, a man rides a mechanical bull.
Edie: "Oh come on, you're not gonna beat a girl like that by knocking off early."
Susan: "It’s not a competition."
Edie: "The hell it isn't."
Susan: "Good night, Edie."
Edie: "Suit yourself. But for the record, I was rooting for you to land him."
Susan: "And why would you root for me?"
Edie: "Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!"
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Gabrielle's Bedroom
Gabrielle lies on the bed, in a bathrobe. Carlos and Mama Solis stand by the bed.
Carlos: "Just take some antacid."
Gabrielle: "It’s not those kind of cramps."
Carlos: "This is a business dinner. It’s important."
Gabrielle groans.
Mama Solis: "Relax. You and I can go alone. Gabrielle can stay here and get better."
Carlos: "Fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours."
Gabrielle: "Okay. Take good care of Carlos."
Mama Solis: "Oh, I always do."
She closes the door behind her and Gabrielle gets off of the bed.
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Saddle Ranch
Susan starts to leave when she notices Edie riding the mechanical bull in the center of the ring. She bends over to pick up the hat that Edie threw to her. When she stands up, Mike is standing there.
Susan: "Mike! What a small, small world."
Mike: "Yeah, it sure is. I caught Edie hiding in the back."
Susan: "No kidding, is she here?"
Slowly, Mike turns his head to where Edie is playing to the crowd.
Mike: "Yeah. Yeah, she said, uh, the jig is up, and then she went to ride the bull. Oh, and she said you two came together."
Susan: "Oh, well, yeah, we, we did, uh, I just thought she left."
Mike: "Are you following me?"
Susan: "What? No, no, I just came here, you know, with Edie. We, just, love to ride that bull."
Mike: "You ride the bull."
Susan: "Yeah, yeah, it’s a real rush."
Mike: "Come on, Susan, give me a break."
Susan: "No, you give me a break! I did not follow you here, and even if I had followed you here, it’s because you've been so secretive about Kendra."
Mike: "Kendra and I are friends."
Susan: "And I came here to ride the bull!"
She plops Edie's hat on her head and a nearby cowboy hears her and dings the triangle he has in his hand. He lets out a whoop and calls out "We've got another one to ride the bull!"
Susan’s eyes go wide. Mike backs away to watch. Cowboy: "Okay little doggie, you're up!"
Susan: "Oh fun. I'm a doggie."
She steps into the ring where the bull is and looks over at Mike, who smirks at her. She throws her purse to Mike, pulls up her shirt, and ties it. The crowd of mostly men catcalls at her.
"Woo, baby, woo!"
Susan: "Oh, yeah, I'm here to ride the bull. Check it out! Okay! Yeah! Woo! Baby! Woo!"
She tosses the hat into the crowd. It hits a man, who falls onto the controls for the bull. The bull starts to buck, and Susan, not yet on it, falls over, landing hard on the rubber mat.
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Rex's Hotel Room
Rex: "Andrew, you promised you'd stay with your mother. That’s why I gave you the car."
Andrew: "Dad, she wants me out! She put all my stuff on the front lawn."
Rex: "This is ridiculous. I'm going to call her, and I'm going to smooth all this out. you're going home."
Rex picks up the phone. Andrew grabs it and puts it down.
Andrew: "No, Dad why? Now I can live with you without feeling guilty. It will be perfect. It will be like our own little bachelor pad."
Rex walks away.
Andrew: "What?"
Rex: "Son, that’s not gonna happen."
Andrew: "Why not?"
Rex: "Andrew, these past few months have been incredibly difficult for me. There are a lot of things that I've got to work out for myself, and I can't do that if you're living with me. I'm sorry."
Andrew: "I don't care. All right. I'm not going back there. "
Rex: "I don't think you have a choice."
Andrew: "But Dad..."
Rex: "Uh-uh."
Andrew storms out. Rex calls after him.
Rex: "Oh, come on now, don't!"
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Andrew's Car
Andrew makes a call on his cell phone.
Andrew: "Keith? Yeah, it’s me. Do you still have that fake ID? Yeah, I've got to go home and kiss my mother’s ass. I am not going to it sober!"
He drives off.
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Lynette's House
Tom and his guests are in the living room while Lynette works in the kitchen. As they laugh and joke, Lynette brings out a plate of desserts and sets it on the coffee table.
Woman: "Oh, the desserts are wonderful. Lynette, do you need any help?"
Lynette: "I've got it covered, no problem."
In the living room, Tom outlines his ideas to his boss.
Boss: "Okay, Scavo, you're up. Let's here this genius idea of yours."
Tom: "Okay. Uh, okay. The single greatest obstacle facing Spotless Scrub is a lack of visibility. We need to concentrate ads in places where women spend a majority of their time."
Lynette, smiling, listens from the kitchen as she prepares more dessert.
Tom: "For example, large chain grocery stores. Picture Spotless Scrub ads on the side of every mother’s shopping cart."
Boss: "Interesting."
Lynette: "Oh, you know what would be even better? Dry cleaning bags."
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "No, really, hear me out. Put a big Spotless Scrub ad between a woman and her cashmere sweater, and I guarantee you'll get her attention."
Tom: "Honey, honey, that's great. I'm in the middle of a thing here."
Lynette (still smiling): "Oh!"
Boss's wife: "She’s got a point. And those dry cleaning bags hang in our closets forever, and so it is like constant advertising."
Lynette: "Exactly!"
Tom: "You know, maybe there's a way that we can work that in - "
Boss: "You know, this is kind of a fantastic idea. Can we go nationwide with this?"
Lynette: "Why not? Start by targeting the top chain, then branch out from there. Boom, boom, boom. Mass saturation. Oh, and you know what else would be a great idea? Here's the thing ..."
"While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention..."
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Saddle Ranch
"...Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous."
Susan: "Everybody’s looking at me, aren't they?"
Mike: "Just the slapstick fans."
Susan: "Oh God, why couldn't I have just have been knocked unconscious?"
Kendra: "Beer?"
Susan: "Absolutely. Oh. Ow! Ow, ow."
Mike: "Susan, this is Kendra."
Susan: "We've been introduced."
Mike: "No, this is Kendra. We've been friends for years. She’s here on a visit. She’s leaving tomorrow. That’s it."
Kendra: "It's true. I have no designs on this man whatsoever."
Mike: "I'll be right back."
He leaves Kendra and Susan alone at their table.
Kendra: "Sorry about the misunderstanding,"
Susan: "Me, too."
Kendra: "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?"
Susan: "Well, you sort of interrupted our first date. But up until then, smoking hot tension. Sounds pathetic, I know."
Kendra: "No, I think it’s good to take it slow. you'd be smart to be careful."
Susan: "Any particular reason?"
Kendra: "Look, Mike’s a wonderful guy, really. But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane. It’s one hell of a story."
Mike: "Here, I got some ice. Here ya go."
Susan: "Thanks."
Mr. Shaw walks into the Saddle Ranch and spots Edie, who's saying good night to a group of men. He comes up to her.
Mr. Shaw: "Hey, there."
Edie: "Well, good evening! Have a seat."
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Gabrielle's Bedroom
Gabrielle and John collapse on her bed, spent.
John: "I could get used to this whole closure thing,"
Gabrielle: "I love long good byes."
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Mama Solis gets out of a taxi cab, talking to the driver.
"Wait around the corner. I'll be right back."
She rushes into the house and into Gabrielle's bedroom, where the light from the hallway falls onto Gabrielle and John, kissing on the bed. Mama Solis holds a camera up to her eye and looks through it, snapping a picture.
"Smile, Gabrielle."
Mama Solis leaves. John pushes Gabrielle off of him and grabs his clothing. Gabrielle gets off of the bed calmly and goes to her closet, where she begins carrying clothing to the bed, where she's placed a suitcase.
Gabrielle: "Well, that’s it then."
John: "Where are you going? he had a camera, we've got to catch her. Mrs. Solis, your husband's gonna kill us. Come on!"
He rushes downstairs.
Mama Solis: "Leave me alone!"
John: "Gimme that camera right now!"
Mama Solis: "Shut up!"
John: "I'm not kidding, old woman!"
Mama Solis: "Stay away from me! Don't touch me!"
She hits him and he falls on the floor. She rushes out of the house, running and looking behind her. A car careens around the corner. She stops in the middle of the road as it speeds towards her. Shocked, she can only stand there. As Gabrielle packs, she can hear tires screeching, and then a thud. She looks out the window and her jaw falls open. The car speeds away. Gabrielle runs out of the house. Mama Solis lies motionless in the middle of the street. John joins Gabrielle outside. He starts to head towards Mama Solis, but Gabrielle stops him.
Gabrielle: "No, no you go home. I'll take care of this. And you were never here. Go. Go."
Gabrielle runs towards Mama Solis. The taxi driver comes running.
Taxi Driver: "Did you see that? The guy came barreling around the corner and just hit her."
Gabrielle: "Do you have a cell phone?"
Taxi Driver: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Call 911."
He runs to his cab.
Gabrielle stares at Mama Solis, looks around, and then takes the camera lying next to her, putting it in her robe pocket. The car that hit Mama Solis pulls into a driveway. Its right front headlight is smashed in. Inside the driver's seat is Andrew, who's breathing hard. He looks behind him.
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Outside
"As Juanita hovered dangerously close to the white light, Lynette and Tom were heading into a black void."
Lynette: "I was just participating."
Tom: "No, your participation was supposed to be limited to making dinner, not making my ideas look bad."
Lynette: "Well, maybe you need better ideas. I'm sorry-I’m sorry, I didn't mean that."
Tom: "No, no no no no. We both know that your career was going so much better than mine before we had kids. You never let me forget that."
Lynette: "That is not fair!"
Tom: "You are always competing with me, and judging by tonight, you know what, you still are!"
Lynette: "Tom, I am sorry about tonight. Truly, but these days, if I'm competing with anyone, it’s the Bree Van de Kamps of the world with their spotless kitchens, and their perfect kids, who throw fabulous parties where nothing ever goes wrong. I try so hard to keep up, but I can't."
Tom: "Lynette, that’s not my expectation."
Lynette: "And when you work on a pitch, or you bring the partners over, I am reminded of a world I left behind where I was the winner, and people tried to keep up with me! I can't go back. I can't win where I am. I'm stuck in the middle, and it is really starting to get to me."
Tom: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. For your information, I thought you threw an amazing dinner party tonight. I was thrilled! I don't know how you pulled it all together."
They look at each other.
Lynette: "Yeah, well."
Tom: "And whether you believe it or not, everyone who knows you thinks that you are a great wife and mother."
Lynette: "No, they don't."
Tom: "Yes they do - especially me."
Lynette: "Thanks."
He pauses.
Tom: "What’s wrong with your eyes?"
Lynette: "Nothing, I'm tired."
Tom: "Turn around, I want to look at you."
Lynette: "I'm fine, really...what’s going on outside?"
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Outside
EMS technicians rush to Mama Solis's side while neighbors watch. Gabrielle sits on the steps to her house, watching. Lynette and Tom rush up to Bree.
Bree: "Oh my god, thank god you're here. Will you go take care of Gabrielle? I have to go home for a minute."
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Bree's House
Bree rushes into her house. Andrew is standing there, leaning against a counter, looking shaken.
Bree: "Oh Andrew, thank god you're back. I need your help, honey. There‘s been an accident. Andrew?"
Andrew (crying): "Mama."
Bree: "Andrew..."
Bree is on the phone.
Bree: "Rex, you need to come home. Something's happened, and we need you."
Danielle and Andrew hold each other's hands.
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"Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it’s a friendly rivalry..."
At the Saddle Ranch, Susan watches Mike and Kendra head towards the door.
"...or a fight to the death,"
Edie and Mr. Shaw drink together.
"the end result is the same. There will be winners -"
Gabrielle watches Mama Solis taken away on a stretcher.
"and there will be losers."
Lynette, drawn and tired-looking, looks at herself in the mirror. She looks at the pills in her hand.
"Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price."
Quietly, Rex drives Andrew's car into a small garage. Bree stands at the entrance and looks around, and once he gets out of the car, the two of them close the garage door.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.08 - Guilty
Guest stars
"Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Mama Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Dr. Chang" - Freda Foh Shen
"Father Crowley" - Jeff Doucette
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Lori Jean" - Dayna Devon
"Phil the Tile Guy" - Tony Winters
"Nurse" - Roz Witt
Written by: Kevin Murphy
Directed by: Fred Gerber
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Focus in on a Bible being opened.
Mary Alice begins speaking.
"There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone who reads this book feels guilt over the bad things that they do."
Pull out to see that Bree opened the Bible and is reading from it. "But Bree Van de Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life, feeling guilty."
Flashbacks showing the images of what Mary Alice is speaking of. "As a child, she felt guilty about not getting straight A’s...
...As a teenager, she felt guilty about letting her boyfriend go to second base...
...As a newlywed, she felt guilty about taking three weeks to get out her thank you cards...
...she knew the transgressions of her past were nothing compared with the sin she was about to commit."
The Van de Kamp family is all in the living room. Danielle and Rex are seated while Andrew paces, and Bree looks through the Bible.
Danielle: "Couldn't we just go to the police and tell them it was an accident?"
Rex: "This wasn't some simple DUI. Not only was your brother drinking, Andrew left the scene of the crime. That makes it a hit and run."
Andrew: "Maybe I could go to Canada, you know, until the statute of limitations is up."
Danielle: "Do you really think mom and dad are going to foot the bill while you go moose hunting for seven years?"
Rex: "If Carlos?mother dies, there is no statute of limitations."
Danielle: "Right. Because then it’s murder."
Andrew: "Shut up!"
Danielle: "You shut up!"
Andrew: "How could it be murder, it was an accident!"
(pause)
Bree: "We have to get rid of the car. But we can't sell it. The police might find it, and there could be DNA. We take the car to a bad part of town. We'll leave the keys in the ignition and the doors unlocked. If the police don't find it, we'll get the insurance money, and if they do, it wasn't in our possession. Anyone could have hit Mrs. Solis."
Andrew: "That sounds good!"
Rex: "Bree, are you sure?"
Bree: "Our son could spent the rest of his life in jail. I won't allow that."
Bree stands up and puts the Bible away.
"Bree knew what she was about to do was wrong, but like most sinners, she would worry about her guilt tomorrow."
Bree: "Well everybody should, uh, go wash up. We're having pancakes for breakfast."
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"Not since my own suicide had violence intruded upon the serenity of life on Wisteria Lane in such a conspicuous fashion. And needless to say, my friends attacked the problem head on."
Lynette, Susan, and Bree are all in the middle of the street, trying to clean off the skid marks on the road.
"Lynette brought the broom. Susan brought the trash bags. And Bree brought the industrial strength solvent."
Lynette: "Woo. That stuff is strong!"
Bree: "It has to be, I don't want Gabrielle and Carlos coming home to this ugly reminder in front of their house."
Lynette: "So, has anyone been over there?"
Susan: "Julie and I went over this morning."
Bree: "How is Juanita doing?"
Susan: "She’s been in a coma ever since she came out of ER. Nobody knows when or even if she'll wake up."
Lynette: "This is awful. Carlos must be just devastated."
Susan: "I hope she wakes soon. Maybe she can tell us who was driving that car."
Bree: "We can only hope."
A red car zips around the corner and speeds past the women. Lynette stands up, shouting after the car.
Lynette: "Slow down, you jerk, this is a residential neighborhood."
She throws her sponge at the car and it bounces off of the car's hood.
Susan: "Wow, that’s quite a pitching arm you've got there."
Lynette: "It pisses me off. I've got four kids, you know. I was up all night reading statistics online. One out of every four traffic accidents happens on residential streets. I hope whoever hit Juanita gets put away for life."
Bree: "don't you think that’s a little bit extreme?"
Lynette: "An innocent woman gets hit by a car and the driver just takes off? I don't think it’s extreme."
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Hospital
Carlos and Gabrielle are in Mama Solis's hospital room. Carlos sits by the bed and Gabrielle checks her nails as she sits on the dresser. Gabrielle: "You should go home and get some rest, eat something. You have a ton of messages from work--Tanaka called; said it was urgent. Carlos, I can stay here with your mother."
Carlos: "I need to be here if she wakes up."
Gabrielle: "You can't go on like this. You have to take care of yourself."
Carlos: "And what if she dies? People slip into comas all the time and never come out."
Gabrielle: "Don't say that! We need to stay positive."
The door opens and John sticks his head in.
John: "Mr. and Mrs. Solis?"
Gabrielle: "John!"
John: "Is it okay if I come in?"
Carlos: "Of course."
John: "Mr. Solis, I'm so sorry this happened."
Carlos: "It means a lot that you came."
They embrace.
Carlos: "Look, I think I'm gonna to go down to the chapel and pray. You want to come?"
Gabrielle: "Um, no, I think I will stay here with mama."
John: "Is it all right if I come?"
Carlos: "Of course, we need all the prayers we can get."
John leaves the flowers he had brought for Mama Solis on the table by her bed, then leaves with Carlos. Gabrielle is annoyed. A nurse comes in with a bucket of water.
Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, it’s time for her sponge bath."
Gabrielle: "Come again?"
Nurse: "Sometimes family members prefer to administer sponge baths themselves."
Gabrielle: "I think I'll pass."
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Mrs. Huber's House
Mrs. Huber is neatly packing luggage on the kitchen table when her front door opens and Edie comes in.
Edie: "Martha. Where’s your purse?"
Martha: "Over there, why?"
Edie walks over to the purse without saying a word and opens it.
Martha: "What are you doing?"
Edie: "I am taking back the $40 that you stole out of my purse."
Martha: "Edie!"
Edie: "We both know you did it, now hand it over!"
Martha: "I have taken nothing from your purse, and if you're missing money, I'd ask one of those strange men you parade through here at all hours."
She grabs the purse from Edie and walks away.
Edie: "I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!"
Martha: "Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched."
Edie: "I want my money."
Martha: "And I want those non-fat peach yogurts. They didn't just walk out of that fridge by themselves."
Edie: "Well you can deduct it from the $40 that you're going to give me, now!"
Martha: "You're my best friend, why would I steal from you?"
Edie: "It’s no secret that you've been having financial problems. I hear you bitching on the phone to your bank."
Martha: "That’s it! I can put up with your debauchery and your food theft, but I will not tolerate spying. I want you out."
Edie: "You don't mean that."
Martha: "Oh yes I do. I'm leaving tomorrow to visit my sister for a few days. I want you gone by the time I get back."
Edie: "I'll do one better. I will leave today."
She takes her purse and leaves. Once she's gone, Mrs. Huber reaches into her blouse and removes some money, which she then puts into her purse.
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Dr. Chang's Office
Lynette is lying on a table while Dr. Chang, an acupuncturist, places needles into her forehead.
Lynette: I hope this works. My sleep cycle is totally out of whack. I'm up all night, I'm dozing off during the day."
Dr. Chang: "Trust me, this will do the trick. In fact, you should be feeling more relaxed already."
Lynette: "You know, you're right."
Faintly, from outside of the room, calls and shouts from Lynette's kids can be heard.
Lynette: "Boys, I can hear you out there. Now be quiet. Just sit there and color."
Dr. Chang: "Now is not a good time to be moving."
Lynette: "Oh, yeah. Sorry."
Dr. Chang: "Just block everything out, and let it go. Imagine that you're in a forest. There’s a babbling brook nearby, and the wind is just coming through the trees..."
Parker comes through the door, dragging a plastic tree.
Parker: "Mommy."
Lynette: "Parker! I don't know --ow!--what you think that you're doing, but put that back where it belongs!"
Lynette: "I'm sorry. You were saying something about wind?"
Dr. Chang: "I was just creating a soothing image."
Lynette: "Oh, for the love of God!"
She gets off the table and opens up the door to where her boys are waiting.
Lynette: "Knock it off, you little monsters."
Dr. Chang: "Mrs. Scavo, please lie down. we need to finish this."
Lynette: "Look, I'm on my last nerves, so I'm going to level with you. I've screwed up my entire system by taking my system by taking my kids? ADD medication. Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I plan to stop, but right now I need to sleep, and I need more than a few, crappy, needles, so whattya got?"
Dr. Chang: "I'm not licensed to write prescriptions."
Lynette: "I know you're not."
The acupuncturist goes to her cabinet and removes a small bag of herbs. She turns to Lynette.
Dr. Chang: "This will put you right to sleep. It’s a very powerful herbal remedy. Now promise me you're going to use it judiciously?"
Lynette: "Sure. Whatever."
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Mike's House
Susan knocks on Mike's screen door.
Susan: "Knock, knock!"
Mike: "Hey! Come on in!"
Susan: "you're a mess."
Mike: "Ah, yeah, I'm tearing out these leaky pipes in the upstairs
bathroom. Wall to wall rotten wood."
Susan: "Sounds like a job. So, Julie said that you came by before?"
Mike: "Um.. Yeah. Uh... yeah, I was thinking about driving up to the Girmany vineyard tomorrow for this wine tasting, and, um.."
Susan: "What time do you want me to be ready?"
Mike: "How about six?"
Susan: "Six is good."
Mike: "All right. I thought maybe afterwards, we could have a little dinner, maybe some dancing."
Susan: "Sounds great. Um, you do know that it’s like a two-hour drive up there. And isn't that kind of late to be coming back?"
Mike: "I thought if, you know, worse came to worse, we could grab a room..."
Susan: "Oh? Like a hotel room?"
Mike: "Yeah, as a last resort."
Susan: "Of course, of course, yes. So, maybe we should make reservations, you know, just in case."
Mike: "Yeah, I found some hotels online. Let me get a printout."
She laughs and he goes upstairs. Bongo, who had been off in the corner, comes towards Susan.
Susan: "Hey, Bongo, come here. You want a treat? Hey Mike, where do you keep the dog biscuits?"
Mike: "I'm sorry, what?"
Susan: "Oh, never mind! We'll just find them ourselves. We'll go find them ourselves."
She opens up one of Mike's cabinets and, in plain view, are stacks of money and a gun. Susan takes out a couple of stacks of money and looks at them.
Mike comes down the stairs.
Mike: "I'm sorry Susan. I couldn't hear you. What did you say?"
Susan: "Nothing. It’s not important."
She quickly puts the money back and closes the cabinet. The phone rings.
Mike: "It’s my tile guy. Here, see what looks good."
He hands her the printout of hotels and answers the phone.
Mike: "Hey Phil. Um, no. No. Tomorrow morning I'm making a lumber run. It’s no good. Uh, no, I'll be gone tomorrow night, too."
Susan: "I could let him in."
Mike: "No, that’s okay."
Susan: "No, it’s fine, just give me the key. I'll be around all day."
Mike: "All right. Thanks. Phil, I'll give the key to my neighbor.
She'll be here to let you in."
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Nighttime
A car drives down the street of an old, worn-out neighborhood.
"Like every city, Fairview had a neighborhood that was less than desirable. It was an accepted fact: anyone who lingered there after midnight was usually up to no good. Rex and Bree Van de Kamp were no exception."
The car stops and Bree gets out. In a nonchalant manner, she walks around the car and heads towards Rex, who's parked in his own car in a darkened alleyway, with a perfect view of the car Bree had driven.
She gets into the car with Rex.
Rex: "You really think this is gonna work?"
Bree: "This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, somebody will steal the car."
Rex: "How can you be so sure?"
Bree: "Because I have faith in the poor."
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Paul's House
On the television is a home video of Mary Alice wearing a party hat. As the video plays, Paul watches it as he talks.
Paul: "She’s so beautiful. I shot this last year on her birthday. How you going to do it?"
Mr. Shaw: "I made contact with her at a bar. She thinks I'm a real estate developer."
Paul: "Is she going to suffer?"
Mr. Shaw: "No. Edie Britt will disappear, and you'll go back to your life."
Paul: "Before you do it, do you think you should ask her why she sent this note to my wife?"
Mr. Shaw: "You can't think like that, Mr. Young. You can't give in to your curiosity. Curiosity leads to guilt. Guilt leads to talking. You still have questions?"
Paul sighs and shakes his head no.
Mr. Shaw: "I want to be clear about something. When I walk away with this cash, it’s done. No refunds. No buyer's remorse."
Paul: "I get it."
Mr. Shaw: "We won't talk again so I'll ask one more time: are you sure you want this?"
Paul: "My wife is dead because of Edie Britt. I absolutely want this."
He touches her face on the TV screen.
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Rex's Car
Rex and Bree sit relaxed in the car, watching the car Bree left behind.
Rex: "you've been awfully quiet."
Bree: "I had just been...thinking about the kids. They sure grew up quickly, didn't they?"
Rex: "They sure did."
Bree: "I remember telling them when they were babies that they weren't allowed to get any bigger because they were so adorable. And we were so happy."
Rex: "Yeah, well..."
Bree: "They sure didn't turn out like we expected them to."
Rex: "No, they didn't."
Bree: "We could have been better parents."
Rex: "We weren't that bad."
Bree: "We still have so much to teach them. For starters, we need to get across to Andrew the enormity of what he’s done."
Rex: "I don't - I suppose we could punish them."
Bree: "All right, then what’s the appropriate punishment for a child who drives over a woman?"
Rex: "I...I don't know."
Bree: "You know, no matter how the kids turn out, I still love them. "
Rex: "Of course, you do."
Bree: "But I'll never forgive them for growing up so quickly."
Rex: "Hey, look."
A man stands by the car on the street, looks around, then quickly gets into the car and drives away.
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Susan's House
Susan packs as she talks with Julie.
Susan: "And then I opened the cabinet and there was all this money in it. I mean, there was wads of it."
Julie: "That’s why you're freaking out? A few stacks of cash? Come on."
Susan: "Well what? Realistically, I've known this guy a few weeks. I mean, he could be a hit man for the mob!"
Julie: "If you really think that, why are going on a trip with him?"
Susan: "I never get out of the house."
Julie: "Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor."
Susan: "Yeah, and he retired. I try not to take that personally."
She puts on a sweater.
Julie: "You look old in that."
Susan: "Maybe I am being silly, but going to a hotel with a man is a big deal to me. What if Mike is hiding something?"
Julie: "Like what?"
Susan: "I don't know."
A horn honks outside.
Julie: "That’s Dad. I gotta go. Now, listen to me. No more freaking out. I need this weekend to go well."
Susan: "Why do you care so much?"
Julie: "Because I'm gonna have a husband of my own someday, and I really don't want you living with us."
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Gabrielle's House
The four Van de Kamps are visiting Carlos and Gabrielle.
Bree: "Are the lady fingers okay?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, they're terrific. We just appreciate you all stopping by."
Bree: "We just want you to know how much we care."
Rex: "So, have the police come up with any leads?"
Gabrielle: "Not really. They'll be able to determine the make and model of the car, but without any eye witnesses, no one seems very optimistic."
Bree: "Well, more importantly, is there any good news about Juanita?"
Gabrielle: "No change. All we can do is wait and hope for the best."
Danielle: "We put her on our prayer list at church."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that’s very sweet, Danielle, thank you."
Carlos: "It must really help during times like these--having kids."
Rex: "Yeah, they're a blessing."
Carlos: "Children make everything worthwhile. You guys are the future. Legacy."
Andrew: "Thanks."
Carlos: "After we're all dead, you'll be the only ones left to carry on. Gabrielle and I are about to start a family."
Rex: "Oh, hey, that--that’s great."
Bree: "Well, when did you decide this?"
Gabrielle: "It’s a fairly recent development."
She stares pointedly at Carlos, who bows his head in slight acknowledgement.
Bree: "I see."
Gabrielle: "We'll talk about this later."
Carlos: "Face it. We're shallow people. I mean, can our lives have any meaning if all we ever do is buy stuff?"
Gabrielle: "That depends on what we buy."
Carlos: "I want a child."
Gabrielle: "In case you've forgotten, before we got married, we made a deal. No kids."
Carlos: "Yeah, well, deals were meant to be renegotiated."
Gabrielle: "Well, we're not negotiating my uterus."
Bree: "We should probably be going."
Rex: "Yeah."
Bree: "Thank you so much."
The Van de Kamps leave the Solis's house and walk back to their house.
Danielle: "That was weird."
Bree: "I feel awful for Carlos. That talk about children was obviously coming from his grief."
Andrew: "Whatever. I'm off the hook."
He and Danielle touch fists and walk off. Bree stops walking and stares after him.
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Lynette's House
"A weary Lynette drank her potent tea in hopes of finally finding the sleep that had eluded her. Unfortunately for Lynette, there would be no rest for the weary."
Lynette lies down on the couch and covers herself up with blankets when the doorbell rings.
Lynette: "Go to hell."
The doorbell rings several more times.
Lynette: "Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell. Go to hell."
She stomps to the door and opens it. A stream of boy scouts with a scout mother rush inside. Scout mother: "Sorry we're late,
Kenny Lipman couldn't find his handkerchief. Come on guys!"
Lynette: "The scout meeting is today?"
The boys run all over the house, being noisy, as Lynette stares at them. Later, the boys are separate into groups, with the other scout mother monitoring the boys at the table and Lynette on the floor with her three boys and one other boy. They have books on rope tying in front of them. Lynette leans against the couch, sleeping sitting up.
Parker: "Mommy!"
Lynette: "What? Oh...right! Okay, boys. This knot is called the bowline. It is a remarkably useful knot. Now, pick up your ropes. Okay. First we cross this end over here, and then we make a loop, and then another loop, and then you sort of pull it through, I'm guessing, and then, ready? Yank it taut."
She pulls her rope taut and it's a straight piece of rope.
Twin: "Mommy, that doesn't look like the picture."
Lynette: "You're never going to be a sailor, what do you care? Okay everybody, let’s just take a break!"
She gets up.
Lynette: "Thanks!"
She walks away and the boys on the floor start hitting each other with the rope.
Lynette goes to the bathroom and takes out some pills, which she swallows. She pauses, then swallows some more.
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Mike's House
Phil: "Okay, it’s all up there. Can I get a signature?"
Susan: "Oh, of course."
Phil: "Thank you very much."
Susan: "Here you go. Have a nice weekend."
Phil: "You too, lady."
She closes the door behind him, then heads for the kitchen, where she removes all of the money and the gun. Later, she sits on the living room couch, counting out the money. She hears a car door slam and when she looks out the window, see Phil getting out of his truck. Quickly, she gathers up all of the money and the gun and rushes up the stairs.
Phil: "Hey ma'am, you still here? I forgot to give you a receipt! Ma'am?"
Susan heads into Mike's bathroom and dumps everything into the sink. She climbs on the toilet to look out the window and sees Phil driving away. She lets out a sigh of relief. She then jumps down, falling through the floor, where she stays there, trapped.
Susan: "Hello! I need help, I'm up here, I'm trapped in the floor, hello?!"
Bongo comes running in to stare at her.
Susan: "If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave!"
Bongo looks behind him to the door.
Susan: "Wait! Wait! No! Wait, don't, don't go! Wait, I have an idea. Here! Here! Here! Here, grab the towel, Bongo! Come on, grab the other end! Come on, boy! That’s it! Get the other end! Come on, Bongo! Pull the other end! Come on, Bongo! What are you doing? Bongo, over here!"
He goes over and starts drinking out of the toilet.
Susan: "Bongo? Oh, oh! don't do that! Bongo!"
She grimaces.
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John's House
Gabrielle walks up the path to John's house, past John, himself, who's working on the yard.<
"While Susan was hopelessly stuck, Gabrielle was moving to confront the issue of her young lover’s restless conscience."
John: "Nobody’s home."
Gabrielle: "I know, I've been watching. I came to talk to you."
She turns slightly and sees that he's stopped working.
"Although she would need to be discrete."
Gabrielle: "Keep working! What were you thinking, showing up at the hospital?"
John: "I had to see if she was okay."
Gabrielle: "You need to keep a low profile right now."
John: "Look, you and I are finished. From now on, I'm sticking with Danielle."
Gabrielle: "Why would you say that?"
Gabrielle rings the doorbell again.
John: "I hate myself for what we did! Okay? I can't sleep at night! I've got to make a clean break."
Gabrielle: "We weren't driving the car. We didn't chase Juanita into the street!"
John: "Well, she wouldn't have been there if we weren't having an affair."
Gabrielle turns away from the door to face John.
Gabrielle: "Oh, for God’s sakes, between you and Carlos! Listen to me carefully, you didn't do anything wrong."
She rings the doorbell again.
John: "That’s not what Father Crowley thinks."
Gabrielle: "What?"
John: "I went to confession."
Gabrielle turns around and walks over to him.
Gabrielle: "Have you lost your mind? What did you tell him?"
She leans over to smell the rose.
John: "Everything."
Gabrielle: "Including in the alley? Behind the truck stop?"
John: "Everything."
Gabrielle: "Damn you!"
She storms off.
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Mike's House
Bongo comes into the bathroom again where Susan is still stuck.
Susan: "What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog."
Bongo turns and rushes off.
Susan: "Good boy, Bongo! Run, Bongo, run, go get help!"
Bongo returns and drops a dead crow in front of her.
Susan: "Ooooeeewwwoooohhh..."
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Bree's House
Bree and Andrew are both in the kitchen.
Bree: "Andrew, um, I know the last few days have been stressful, and, uh, you know, if you ever need to talk to anybody..."
Andrew: "I know, I know. You and Dad are here for me."
Bree: "Actually, I was thinking we could arrange for you to talk to a professional."
Andrew: "A shrink? You think I'm crazy?"
Bree: "Of course not. It’s just that the accident probably stirred up a lot of emotions, and it would be normal for you to be feeling confused or depressed or ashamed..."
Andrew: "I'm cool, mom. Really."
Bree: "Honey, you put a woman into a coma. Surely that arouses some kind of emotion!"
Andrew: "Yeah, well, it doesn't. Now if you'll excuse me..."
Bree: "No, I won't, not until you tell me."
Andrew: "Why do you care?"
Bree: "Because I need to know that you're not a monster!"
Andrew: "You want to know how I feel?"
Bree: "Yeah."
Andrew: "Okay, here it goes. I feel bad that she got hurt. But I also feel bad that my car got dinged because somebody didn't have enough sense to look both ways before she crossed the street. And I also feel bad that now I'm gonna have to ride my bike to school."
Bree: "Andrew, you almost killed another human being."
Andrew: "She’s an old lady. Okay? She’s lived her life. I have my whole life ahead of me, and now it might be screwed up! That’s what you should be worried about!"
Bree: "What I'm worried about, Andrew, is that you don't seem to have a soul. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't call the police!"
Andrew: "Because I'm your son. That would make you the monster."
He walks out.
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Mike's House
Mike opens up the front door and Bongo comes rushing down the stairs to greet him.
Mike: "Hey, buddy!"
He goes into the kitchen and sees the remains of the bathroom floor scattered on the kitchen. He looks up and sees Susan's legs dangling from the ceiling.
Mike: "Susan, is that you?"
Susan: "Mike? I'm upstairs. Sorta."
Mike (laughing): "Hang on, I'll be right up."
When he gets to the bathroom, he stops, and leans against the door frame.
Mike: "What happened?"
Susan: "Well, you see, this bird, um, flew in your bathroom window, and, I, tried to save it, but, uh, it died."
Mike: "I don't think that’s what happened."
Susan: "I don't think so, either."
Mike: "Come on..."
He lifts her out and puts her to the side.
Susan: "Thank you, oh, you have no idea what that was like..."
Mike looks in the sink and notices the money and gun Susan left there.
Mike: "You went through my cabinets."
Susan: "What? Oh, I can explain."
Mike: "Get out of my house."
Susan: "Mike..."
Mike: "Get out!"
She leaves.
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Outside
Mr. Shaw gets out of his car and goes to the trunk. He opens it. Inside are shovels. He takes out a gun and hides it in the back of his paints, underneath his jacket.
Edie pulls up in her car and gets out. Mr. Shaw closes the trunk.
Edie: "Hello there!"
Mr. Shaw: "Good afternoon."
Edie: "Ooh, well isn't this just as pretty as a picture book!"
Mr. Shaw: "Well, the plan is to put in a small condo."
Edie: "You want to make some money, or you want to pussyfoot around?"
Mr. Shaw: "What do you suggest?"
Edie: "I'm thinking strip mall. I've run some numbers."
She pulls out a sheet of the purple stationary with numbers written on it and hands it to him.
Mr. Shaw: "Nice stationary."
Edie: "Oh, it’s stolen."
Mr. Shaw: "What do you mean?"
Edie: "After my house burned down, I was staying with this neighbor,
Martha Huber. That is, until the old troll threw me out. Anyway, I'd steal her stuff, she'd steal mine. Circle of life."
Mr. Shaw: "So this paper is hers?"
Edie: "Oh, God, yes."
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Lynette's House
Parker plays with the radio, switching stations and turning it louder. The twins bang on pots, The house is a mess, with food and toys everywhere.
Lynette comes into the kitchen, talking on the phone.
Lynette: "No, Tom, you can't do this to me. Because, I need you at home. Boys, stop it, I am on the phone. Well, yeah, I realize it’s not your fault that the meeting got postponed, but you promised you'd be back tonight. I, I, I gotta go. The kids are... Yeah, I know... you're sorry, just, will you try to get back as soon as you can? Okay, bye."
She hangs up the phone.
Lynette: "Boys, would you please, please, stop it. Really, really, mommy’s got a headache. Okay? Just, uh..."
Radio: and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morning time drop all its petals on me... life I love you, all is groovy...
Lynette: "Turn that damn thing off."
Lynette starts screaming at the boys as everything happens in slow motion. She throws pans on the floor and throws a can through the window. Facing the window, she sees Mary Alice appear. Mary Alice smiles, looks down at her hands, and then hands Lynette a gun. Slowly, Lynette takes the gun, looks at it, and then holds it up to her own head. She closes her eyes. A loud crash wakes up Lynette, who had been sleeping with her head on the kitchen table. She looks at her boys, who are ignoring her, doing their own thing, and she sighs.
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Outside Mike's House
Susan rings Mike's doorbell. He answers the door, unfriendly.
Mike: "What?"
Susan: "I just came over to say I'm sorry, and I'll pay for all the damage."
Mike: "don't worry about it."
He starts to close the door.
Susan: "Well, so, in your mind, is the date off?"
Mike: "Well, you snooped around my house, and went through my stuff. Uh, yeah, in my book, that’s pretty much a deal breaker."
Susan opens the screens and enters the house.
Susan: "Hold on a minute, now. I started snooping around because I found all that money by accident. And, and then, I found a gun. Are you a drug dealer or something?"
Mike: "Is that what you think?"
Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know because you never let me in. You know, there’s this whole part of your life that you keep completely walled off."
Mike: "I have a gun for protection, I keep cash for emergencies. I'm a good guy, Susan, and you should know that. I'm, I'm not obligated to share every little detail of my life with you."
Susan: "Well, every little detail is one thing. You know, weird creepy secrets, that’s another."
Mike: "You know what, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me."
Susan: "Well, maybe we shouldn't be dating."
Mike: "Maybe we shouldn't."
Susan: "Do you mean that?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "Well, I hope that, your, you know, little secret keeps you warm at night because you're throwing something really great away to protect it!"
She walks off and he closes the door. Susan walks angrily back to her house, passing by Lynette's house as she does so. Lynette, with all four children, sees her and calls out.
Lynette: "Oh, Susan, you gotta take my kids for a while."
Susan: "Lynette, it’s just, this really isn't the time..."
Lynette: "No, no, I'm sorry, I can't do this. It’s just too much. Boys, you stay with your aunt Susan."
She hands Susan the baby and the boys cheer, then rush back to the front door. Lynette goes to her car, gets in, and drives off.
Susan: "Lynette! You know, when are you coming back? Lynette! Lynette!"
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Soccer field
Lynette sits against a post, slowly turning a prescription bottle in her hands. Bree and Susan slowly drive up to the field.
Bree: "There’s Lynette’s car, she’s gotta be close."
Susan: "I hope the kids aren't too much for Danielle to handle."
Bree: "she'll be fine. What do you think’s happening with Lynette?"
Susan: "I don't know, but I'm scared. Something’s very, very wrong."
Susan stops the car and the two of them get out and walk over to
Lynette.
Bree: "Lynette? Honey?"
Susan: "Are you okay?"
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Hospital Room
Gabrielle sits alone next to Mama Solis's hospital bed. Father Crowley walks in.
Gabrielle: "Father, I'm so glad you could come and pray for mama. Please, sit, sit."
Father Crowley: "Thank you, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "Listen, since you're here, there’s something I've always wondered about. That whole thing about priests not being allowed to repeat what they hear in confessions, is that a hard rule, or just a general guideline?"
Father Crowley: "Rest assured, everyone’s secrets are safe."
Gabrielle: "That’s good to hear."
Father Crowley: "I'll keep yours, too, if you want to talk."
Gabrielle: "No, me? No, no. Confession is not really my thing."
Father Crowley: "That’s a shame,"
Gabrielle: "Okay. You can stop condemning me with your eyes. Right now. "I know you know, about the affair. But you know nothing about my life. Look, it’s not even an issue anymore. John and I are finished."
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, the church is pretty clear on this. If you commit a mortal sin, and you die without repenting, you go to hell."
Gabrielle: "Well, aren't you just a ball of fun. So, if I confess, it'll clean the slate, right?"
Father Crowley: "Well not only that. If you want God’s forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry, and you have to promise not to commit the sin again."
Gabrielle: "So what happens if I repent, later, like, say, when I'm 75?"
Father Crowley: "I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?"
Gabrielle: "Well, let’s say I don't die. I do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?"
Father Crowley: "If you mean it, yes."
Gabrielle: "Thank you, Father Crowley. You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing."
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, you know, we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you want to be a good person?"
Gabrielle: "What I want is to be happy."
Father Crowley: "That’s the answer of a selfish child."
Gabrielle: "I know."
She turns and leaves.
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Soccer Field
Lynette: "Then I started taking the pills because they gave me energy, but then I couldn't sleep at night, and I was getting so tired in the daytime. And, it totally messed me up. I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother."
Bree: "Lynette, you're a great mother."
Lynette: "No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It’s so humiliating."
Susan: "No, it’s not! So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens."
Bree: "you've got four kids. That’s a lot of stress. Honey, you need some help."
Lynette: "That’s what’s so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain."
Susan: "That’s just not true. When, when Julie was a baby, I, I was out of my mind almost every day."
Bree: "I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little. I used their nap times to cry."
Lynette (crying): "Why didn't you ever tell me this?"
Bree: "Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure."
Susan: "I think it's just that we think that it's easier to keep it all in."
Lynette: "Well, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff."
Susan: "It helps, huh?"
Lynette: "Yeah, it really does."
Susan hugs her and Bree gently brushes the hair away from her face.
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Paul's House
Paul: "So it was Martha Huber all along."
Mr. Shaw: "Seems so. Edie didn't move in with Huber until after your wife received the blackmail note."
Paul: "Thank God. We almost killed an innocent woman."
Mr. Shaw: "Like I said, I don't do refunds, but if you'd like, I'm willing to pay Mrs. Huber a visit."
Paul: "No. Just keep the money. This whole thing's been tearing me up. The nightmares, the guilt. This isn't what
And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn’t the men Gabrielle talked to that she had to worry about."
Gabrielle goes into the house and Mama Solis smiles.
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Play Rehearsal
Lynette: "Jordana, Maisy, here are the costumes, right on time."
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette. This is a bit awkward. There has been an oversight with the programs. Celia Bond is still credited with costumes. They forgot to tell the printer."
Lynette: "Uh-huh. Ah, incidently, who is they, as in they forgot to tell the printer?"
Maisy: "That would be me. I'm sorry, but I was just so overworked this week, what with all the script changes that you demanded."
Lynette: "Well, these things happen. Oh, I will be right back."
She hands a plastic sword and a coonskin cap to Maisy. Maisy hands the coonskin cap to Jordana.
Maisy: "Would you do something with this, it looks like roadkill."
Lynette: "Okay, lady, that's it!"
Maisy: "I beg your pardon?"
Lynette: "Maisy, we have kids the same age, which means there are years ahead of us, having to deal with each other. So instead of playing all these petty games, why don't we put an end to this right now."
Maisy: "What are you saying?"
Lynette: "Let's take it outside."
Maisy: "Let's take what outside?"
Lynette: "Your sorry ass. We are throwing down."
Maisy: "You are crazy!"
Lynette: "Just being practical. Isn't it better to settle this once and for all, rather than endure all this alpha mom crap until our kids graduate? Hmmm? Come on! I will even let you take the first shot."
There's a long pause.
Maisy: "I don't have time for this."
She walks away. Lynette calls after her. Lynette: "Yeah, I didn't think so. And just so you know, next spring when we do Bambi, his mother is going to take a slug to the heart, and you are going to like it!"
Lynette takes a deep breath and looks over at Jordana, who smiles.
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Nighttime
The camera pans to Susan's house.
"The search for power begins when we're quite young. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil."
Mary Alice's glass award that Susan bought from Paul sits next to a lamp. The yellow/green blanket with the name Dana embroidered in it is slung over the back of a chair.
"But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple.
Traces of evil always remain..."
~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.09 - Suspicious Minds
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Claire" - Marla Sokoloff
"Helen Rowland" - Kathryn Harrold
"Mama Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Detective Burnett" - Brett Cullen
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Dr. Sicher" - Gregg Daniel
"Brian Linder" - Hamilton Camp
"Stagehand" - John Bisom
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Bystander" - Lou George
"FBI Agent" - Nigel Gibbs
"Nurse Kelly" - Joyce Guy
"Betty" - Jill Holden
"Swimmer" - John E. Jimmo
"Detective Beckerman" - John Lacy
Written by: Jenna Bans
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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Gabrielle sits in Mama Solis's hospital room, thinking. As Mary Alice speaks via voice-over, the scenes Mary Alice describes are shown.
"Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was fifteen, after her stepfather paid her a late night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea--her decision to marry Carlos Solis.
Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was born out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea."
A nurse comes in and checks in on Mama Solis.
Nurse: "Mrs. Solis, I know you're worried, but it's going to take time."
Gabrielle: "Hmmm? What is?"
Nurse: "You look sad. I assume you're thinking about your mother-in-law."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no."
Nurse: "So, uh, what were you thinking about?"
Gabrielle: "My life. It hasn't turned out like I thought it would."
Nurse: "Oh, honey!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I know I shouldn't complain. It's just there's something missing, and I don't know what it is. Do you ever feel that way?"
Nurse: "Hmmm, no. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby, because I know I did something that day that helped people."
Gabrielle: "That must be a nice feeling.
Nurse: "Hmmm, it is. Of course, there are times I wish I didn't have to work so hard. We've got a real nursing shortage here, and they keep cutting our budget, and..."
The nurse is interrupted by an announcement over the loud speaker.
Announcement: "Attention all available personnel. Code blue, stat. Room 214."
Nurse: "Excuse me..."
She rushes out of the room as the announcement is repeated. Curious,
Gabrielle follows her.
Nurse: "Damn it, get a doctor in here, I don't have an airway. No time, I have to intubate. Mr. Getz? Mr. Getz? Listen. You're not dying on me, okay? This tube is to help you breathe. I need you to be brave now!"
"It was then that Gabrielle got her next great idea."
A nurse closes the curtains around the patient's bed.
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Gabrielle's House
"She decided to throw the first annual Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show, to raise money for more nursing staff."
Betty: "Gabby, Gabby, I can't do it. I cannot walk down a runway in one of these dresses. They all make me look so fat. Please, get someone to take my place, Please!"
Gabrielle: "Betty, listen to me."
Betty: "No, no, please."
Gabrielle: "Listen, Betty! Okay? You're not quitting on me now. We're going to find you a gown. It's going to be black, and slimming, and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now."
Betty: "Okay."
Betty walks off and Gabrielle looks pleased with herself.
"And that night, when she went to bed, Gabrielle slept like a baby."
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Gabrielle's House
"News of the fashion show spread quickly on Wisteria Lane. Though the event was for charity, Gabrielle soon discovered that when it came to the latest fashions, women are seldom charitable. No one knew this better than Edie Britt. She understood that treachery never goes out of style."
Edie finds a dress in the racks that she likes. She begins to rip off the tag that claims it's Susan's dress. As she pulls it from the rack and turns around, she runs into Susan, who was walking up.
Edie: "Susan!"
Susan: "Give me the dress."
Edie: "I gave it a shot!"
She hands the dress over.
In a different part of the room, Helen is admiring the dress she's wearing. Gabrielle comes up.
Gabrielle: "Hi, Helen!
Helen: "Hi!"
Gabrielle: "How's the dress fitting?"
Helen: "Great. Maybe it could be taken out at the shoulder a little."
Gabrielle: "Sure, no problem. There you go."
Helen: "You know, Gabrielle, I never thanked you properly."
Gabrielle: "For what?"
Helen: "For what you did for my son. It was so nice of you to hire John as your gardener."
Gabrielle: "Believe me, it's been my pleasure. How's he doing?"
Helen: "Good, good."
Gabrielle: "I hear he's dating Danielle Van de Kamp?"
Helen: "Well, for now. I think it's just a matter of time before they break up for good."
Gabrielle: "What's wrong?"
Helen: "Oh, she just seems to want much more of a relationship than he does. You remember what's it's like dating teenage boys."
Gabrielle: "Vaguely."
Helen: "Thank you."
She leaves to look at herself in the mirror again. Carlos comes down the stairs, talking on the portable phone.
Carlos: "No, you tell that son-of-a-bitch Tanaka that if he doesn't call me in an hour, I'm going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass."
He hangs up the phone. The women stare at him.
Carlos: "Ladies..."
He walks off.
Susan comes up to Gabrielle.
Susan: "Trouble at work?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know what his problem is. He's making money left and right. I just wish he'd relax."
Off to the side, Edie gets upset.
Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Well, what the hell am I supposed to wear?"
Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?"
Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body."
Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others."
Bree: "So, why isn't Mrs. Huber here?"
Edie: "Last I heard, she went to visit her sister. I just can't believe that Martha would agree to wear this. She always said she'd never be caught dead in black."
"Sadly for Mrs. Huber, this was no longer the case."
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Outside, in the woods
A large black bag, with a human-shaped lump inside is lying on the ground. Nearby, Paul digs a hole in the ground. When he's done, he drags the bag into the hole. An arm hangs out. He throws the green blender into the hole, next to the body, and then begins shoveling in the dirt.
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Susan's House
Julie is spooning ice cream into a bowl when Susan comes in with the mail.
Julie: "Hey Mom!"
Susan: "Julie, you'll never guess who you got a letter from. Zach. Isn't that weird, him writing you?"
Julie: "Yeah."
Susan: "Well open! Open, open, open! He could have said something about Dana!"
Julie: "I'll read it later."
Susan: "Later? What's wrong with now?"
Julie: "I've got tons of homework, mom."
Susan: "Julie, what's going on?"
Julie: "This isn't the first letter I've gotten from Zach. We've been writing each other the last couple of weeks. Are you mad?"
Susan: "No, it's just when I was your age, my pen pal lived on a farm in Ohio, not in a mental institution. You know, that letter is one notch above prison mail."
Julie: "Zach's not crazy. He's just upset over his mom, and his dad doesn't even seem to care. He just needs a friend."
She picks up her ice cream and leaves the kitchen.
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Lynette's House
Lynette pays bills at the kitchen table while Tom, holding the baby, packs a bag.
Tom: "I packed the diapers. I'm gettin' the juice boxes and the carrot sticks..."
Lynette: "Sunscreen?"
Tom: "Got it. I'll go pick up the boys, we'll hit the park. And that should give you a good couple of hours..."
They kiss.
Tom: "Enjoy the vacation!"
Lynette leans back in her chair and gives Tom a look. Not a nasty look, just a look.
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "While you're gone, I'll be here, paying bills and sorting laundry and cooking dinner, so what part of that sounds like a vacation?"
Tom: "Okay, right. You know what? We'll pick up dinner, and, you just take a hot bath, relax. Recharge."
Lynette smiles, her gaze continuing on Tom, and she puts her leg up on the table.
Tom: "Okay, I get it. It's gonna take more than a hot bath to recharge, but, uh, don't forget: I'm here all week!"
Lynette: "Then what?"
Tom: "Then we go back to normal?"
Lynette: "Tom, our last version of normal had me popping pills. Normal is a bad, bad plan."
Tom: "Okay, so we'll put our heads together and we'll come up with a solution."
Lynette: "I think we need to hire a nanny. Full time. "
Tom: "It's just...it's a big, big commitment."
Lynette: "I know. And I know we can't afford it. And I know everything that's happened is my fault. But, if I don't get some help, there's an excellent chance, I will lose my mind."
Tom: "Okay. Well, then we have to make it work."
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Andrew's Swim Meet
Andrew horses around with his friends. Rex and Bree are in the stands, watching him.
Bree: "It's just not right."
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "A woman is in a coma, because of Andrew. And there he is, happy as a clam!"
Rex exhales. "Well, we grounded him, we took away the TV in his room. How many more ways do you want to punish him?"
Bree turns to look at Andrew, who's put his swimming cap on, gotten on the diving board, and is ready. The buzzer sounds, and he dives into the pool.
Bree: "I think we should make him quit the swim team."
Rex: "Bree, this is the one thing in his life that he's passionate about!"
Bree: "Well maybe if we take it away from him, then he'll start to understand what he did! He has not shown an ounce of remorse since the accident."
Rex: "Of course he feels bad! He's just, you know, keeping up a façade."
Bree: "Well, he's doing a fabulous job!"
Rex: "Look, if we take him off the swim team, he'll lose his shot at an athletic scholarship, and then he's never going to forgive us!"
Bree: "Well, if it insures he grows up with some trace of humanity, then that's a risk I'm willing to take!"
Rex: "Well, I'm not."
Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!"
Bree and Rex have faced off against each other, ignoring the swimming. The man in front of them glances back at them briefly before turning his attention back to the meet.
Rex: "Well, isn't that nice."
Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me."
Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I have grown to love him just as much as you!"
The whistle blows and the audience begins to clap.
Bree (to the man in front of them): "What just happened?"
Man: "That kid you both love so much just won the race."
Bree looks at Andrew, who's slapping high-fives with other teammates, and she and Rex both start clapping.
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Gabrielle's House
Preparations are being made for the fashion show when Gabrielle walks in, coming up to John.
Gabrielle: "John!"
John: "My mom said you needed volunteers, so, I'm volunteering."
Gabrielle: "Oh! Finally got the charity bug?"
John: "You sound surprised."
Gabrielle: "No, not really. You were always a giver."
John: "Would you knock it off? My mom's right over there."
Gabrielle: "Have a seat. You can start by helping us alphabetize the donation cards."
She hands them to him. He sits down and starts going through the box. She sits down across from him.
Gabrielle: "So word on the street is you and Danielle might break up."
John: "Maybe. I don't know."
Gabrielle: "Is that because of me?"
John: "Not everything is about you."
Gabrielle takes her foot out of her shoe and then puts it on John's inner thigh and pushes forward.
John (jumps): "Would you stop that!"
Gabrielle: "Have you been thinking about me?"
John: "No."
Gabrielle: "Really."
John gulps.
Gabrielle: "Could have fooled me."
Susan walks in the room and goes up to Helen, who's working at the other end of the table.
Susan: "Hey, do you need any help?"
Helen: "Please, just pull up a chair."
Helen spills papers on the floor.
Helen: "Oh, gosh."
Susan: "Oh, that's okay. I've got it."
Susan looks under the table and sees Gabrielle's foot massaging John's thigh. She bumps her head on the table.
Susan: "Ow! Oh!"
She comes out from underneath the table and looks down to where Gabrielle and John are seated, apparently oblivious to each other.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle comes down her stairs to answer the door. Susan is there.
Gabrielle: "Susan, hi! Do you want to help with the seating cards?"
Susan: "Sure. Do you want to tell me why you had your foot in John Rowland's crotch yesterday?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, that! Uh... He was helping me adjust the seam in my stocking, and from your angle, it must have looked a little weird."
Susan: "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?"
Gabrielle quickly comes out to join Susan on the porch, closing the door behind her.
Gabrielle: "Okay, yes, but you have to promise not to tell anybody."
Susan: "Gabrielle, he's in high school, and, it's illegal, and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him."
Gabrielle: "It's just sex, it's totally harmless."
Susan: "How can you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?"
Gabrielle: "This isn't about you."
Susan: "Yes it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. When Carl ran off with Brandy, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I, I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?"
Gabrielle: "Whh--How can compare me to Carl? It's not fair. You have no idea what my life is like."
Susan: "Well, why don't you enlighten me? You're beautiful, you have more money than you could spend, and you have a husband who adores you!"
Gabrielle: "No, he doesn't adore me. He adores having me."
Susan: "That's a rationalization and you know it! See you at the show."
She leaves with Gabrielle looking after her.
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Outside Lynette's House
Lynette is putting Baby Scavo into her car seat. Bree stands by the car, talking with Lynette.
Bree: "How many nannies did you interview?"
Lynette: "Ten. Ten! Each one more incompetent than the last. One actually asked me--here you go (she gives the bottle to the baby)--if she was expected to change diapers."
Bree: "Oh, good nannies are so hard to find."
Lynette: "Yeah, that's why I was hoping to take advantage of your expertise."
Bree: "Oh Lord, what do you want me to do?"
Lynette: "All your rich friends have nannies. A-list nannies. I need to catch one--here you go--without their bosses."
Bree: "Why?"
Lynette: "So I can poach me one."
Bree: "Lynette..."
Lynette: "Look, at my old job, we didn't wait for good people to come
to us. We went out and raided other companies. I don't see why it should be different when you're hiring a nanny."
Bree: "I understand that good help is hard to find, but stealing a family's nanny is so...unseemly."
Lynette: "I'm not twisting anyone's arm. If I make a better offer, why shouldn't a qualified person reap the benefits? So come on...where can I score some high grade nanny?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside
John is putting supplies in his truck when Gabrielle walks up to him.
John: "Hey, Mrs. Solis. I have some awesome news."
Gabrielle: "I have some not-so-awesome news, so you go first."
John: "I broke it off with Danielle. I passed her a note during French class. So we can be together."
Gabrielle: "John, your timing is impeccable."
John: "What do you mean?"
Gabrielle: "Susan Mayer saw us last night, and she knows everything."
John sighs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside of Bree's House
Bree closes the trunk to her minivan and walks to the front lawn with some fertilizer. Andrew, in his second-story bedroom, has the window open and leans outside. He catches sight of Bree. She looks up and sees him and starts inside.
"Since the accident, Bree had started to worry that her son's sense of morality was going up in smoke."
Andrew quickly pulls his head back into the room and starts cleaning up the remnants of something he was smoking.
"She was right to be concerned."
Bree knocks on the door.
Bree: "Andrew, can I come in?"
Andrew waves the air.
Andrew: "Uh, yeah, just a sec."
He opens the door.
Andrew: "Hey, what's up?"
Bree: "Why are you smiling?"
Andrew: "Ummm.. It's just a joke that I heard."
Bree: "Oh. What was it about?"
Andrew: "It's kind of dirty, Mom."
Bree: "Charming. What I was wondering was if you've bothered to spend any time reflecting on the reasons that you've been grounded, and all the pain that you've caused the Solis family."
Andrew: "Yeah, I, I totally get how actions have affected, like, everything else."
Bree: "Really?"
Andrew: "Uh-huh. Like, I mean, you know, like, when I do something, like I did. And, you know, you guys do something like you did, which is, which is, you know, cool because uh, then everything just kind of balances itself out, and, and goes all, smooth again, you know?"
Bree: "No, I don't."
She pauses and sniffs the air.
Bree: "What's that smell? Have you been smoking marijuana?"
Bree grabs his head and stares at Andrew's eyes."
Andrew: "No. Of course not."
Bree: "You are strung out!"
Andrew: "No! No, no, no, Mom"
Bree: "Excuse me,"
She storms past him out of the room, leaving Andrew standing there speechless with his hands out in front of him. She goes to the kitchen, searching in the cabinets for something. Bree returns with a plastic cup. She hands it to him.
Andrew: "What's that?"
Bree: "It's the container you'll be urinating into."
She grabs him by the ear and starts dragging him.
Andrew: "Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul's House
Paul stands at the sink, scrubbing at bloody clothing in a wash basin. The blood is not coming out He throws the clothing into a garbage bag when somebody knocks at the door.
Paul: "Dr. Sicher, what are you doing here?"
Dr. Sicher: "Mr. Young, I, I didn't want to upset you by telling you over the phone."
Paul: "What is it?"
Dr. Sicher: "Zach is missing from Silvercrest. It happened yesterday evening. We think it happened during the shift change. I know this is difficult to hear. I'm sorry."
Paul: "Yeah, well, it's, uh, just been one of those days."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside of John's House
John and a friend are playing basketball.
Friend: "I still don't get while you're not with Danielle anymore. She looked so slutty at Ray's party."
John: "She's not my type, I guess."
Friend: "What? Oh, you still hung up on your mysterious married lady? What is it with her, besides the obvious, of course?"
John: "We talk about real stuff, you know? She doesn't treat me like some lame yard boy."
Friend: "But you are a lame yard boy."
John: "It's all messed up now, anyway. Her friend found out about us. When it gets out, her husband is going to kill me."
Friend: "But on the upside..."
Helen, John's mother, walks outside, unbeknownst to the boys, carrying the trash.
Friend: "...your social status at school is going to explode when people find out you're doing a hot housewife!"
John: "Shut up, dude!"
Helen stands there frozen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul's House
Paul: "Please explain to me how he could just walk out. With the money that I pay you people, I would think you could afford a padlock."
Dr. Sicher: "With all due respect, we are not a high security facility. And you have restricted our ability to treat Zach."
Paul: "What the hell does that mean?"
Dr. Sicher: "You've insisted that we medicate him without psychotherapy. That is a recipe for disaster. Zach is a troubled young man, and he is getting progressively worse."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan's House
Zach looks out a window.
Julie: "Hungry?"
Zach: "Starving."
She hands him a plate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valley View Park
"Bree had given Lynette the low down on Valley View Park. It was a gathering place for upscale nannies and their young charges. It was Lynette's first time there, and she was determined not to go home alone."
She walks past a nanny blowing bubble gum and reading a magazine.
"Of course, Lynette had high standards, so making a connection..."
She walks past a nanny picking several French fries up off the ground, about to eat them
"...wasn't easy. Still, she was desperate to find that special someone..."
She walks past an older nanny with a popsicle in her hand, asleep on the bench, quietly snoring.
"And that's exactly who she found."
Lynette stops behind the bench of a young nanny with two children in front of her.
Claire: "Okay. All-righty. Here's one for you and one for Amy."
She gives the girl a kiss.
Claire: "All right. Have fun..." she winks, "...and I'll be right here if you need me, okay?"
The children run off.
"From the moment she saw her..."
Lynette: "Is this seat taken?"
Claire: "Nope, go ahead."
"...Lynette knew she had to have her."
Lynette: "You know, I couldn't help but notice how wonderful you are with those children."
Claire: "Thanks."
Lynette: "I'm Lynette."
Claire: "Claire."
Lynette: "Claire? I've always loved that name. So Claire..." She laughs. "Do you come here often?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Golf Course
Rex is walking toward his golf ball on the course. A golf cart with Bree in it approaches Rex on the course. She gets out and walks toward him. She hands him a plastic container with a yellow liquid.
Rex: "What's this?"
Bree: "Your son's urine."
Rex (to his golf partner): "I'm gonna need a moment,"
Bree: "I think Andrew has been smoking marijuana, so I want you to take this and get it tested right away."
Rex: "Why?"
Bree: "Because I want you to pull him from the swim team and I don't think you'll allow it without proof."
Rex: "Proof or no proof, you're not going to take him off the team."
Bree: "Yes, I am."
Rex: "If you try, I'm going to go to the coach and tell him to ignore you. We're not gonna screw up Andrew's future just because he sparked a dooby! I mean, come on, we've all done it!"
Bree: "Not all of us! Rex, I thought you moved back home to try and straighten Andrew out! To, to teach him the consequences of his actions. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this."
Rex: "Because I disagree. Because we're still getting divorced, and I don't have to let you push me around anymore."
Bree: "I never pushed you around. We always made our decisions together."
Rex: "No, you always made decisions, and tell me I agreed. Eighteen years of smiling and taking it. What, what a liar I was! Thank God you're out of my life!"
Bree: "Rex!"
Rex: "Hmmm?"
He turns.
She throws Andrew's urine all over Rex.
Rex: "What the hell are you doing?"
Bree: "The same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage."
She gets back in the golf cart.
Rex: "You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Valley View Park
Lynette: "So your boss made you return her underwear?"
Claire: "Yep. After she had already worn 'em once."
Lynette: "Couldn't you have just said no?"
Claire: "You don't say no to Alexis. If you want to keep your job."
Lynette: "She sounds awful."
Claire: "What can I do? I love the kids."
Lynette: "Well, if we had a nanny like you at my house, we would treat her like gold. Did I mention I have four very loveable kids?"
Claire: "Really."
Lynette: "Oh, yes."
Claire becomes upset suddenly and starts packing up the items around her.
Claire: "Oh no."
Lynette: "What?"
Claire: "It's Alexis. I don't want her to get the wrong idea, so you should go."
Lynette: "Are you going to be here tomorrow? I want to see you again."
Claire: "No, I'm busy."
Lynette: "I just want to talk."
Claire: "Lynette, this isn't right."
Lynette: "Claire, Claire, please."
Claire pulls a business card out of her purse and gives it to Lynette
Claire: "All right. I will be at this address until noon tomorrow. Now go!"
Lynette leaves and Claire picks up her items to meet Alexis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Susan's House
Susan is sitting on a wicker sofa on her front lawn, painting. John walks toward her.
Susan: "What are you doing here?"
John: "I know you know, and you're probably freaking out, so I just wanted to explain. What me and Mrs. Solis have -- it's deep -- you know. We've got a future, it's not just sex."
Susan: "Listen to me. There is no future for you and Gabrielle. She's not going to divorce Carlos and run away with you."
John: "Why not?"
Susan: "Because he has money. A lot of it."
John: "Look, I'm not going to be mowing lawns forever. I have big plans for my life."
Susan (stands up): "Okay. Just stop talking. John, how old are you?"
John: "Almost eighteen."
Susan: "Exactly. You are not mature enough to have a realistic perspective on this relationship. You would be so much happier with a girl your own age."
John: "She's the one I want. You know, I really love her."
Susan sighs and caresses John's face.
Across the street, Helen sits in her car, watching.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fashion Show
As a woman walks down the runway, Tom Scavo is the runway announcer. Tom: "Please welcome Mrs. Arlene Norn. We have Arlene and her husband Norris to thank for all our folding chairs this evening. So, please remember for all your folding chair needs...rent Norn's."
In the back, Gabrielle helps Betty into a tight dress.
Tom: "Next up we have Mrs. Betty Nolan."
Gabrielle pushes Mrs. Nolan towards the stage and turns back to the rest of the back stage.
Gabrielle: "Thank god Tom could fill in at the last minute."
Bree: "Why did Carlos have to back out?"
Gabrielle: "Some work emergency. He wouldn't talk about it. Sometimes I could just kill him."
Lynette: "Well, look on the bright side, Tom's having the time of his life."
She peeks out onto the runway where Betty scampers off stage and Tom turns his head to watch her go.
Tom: "Hands off, fellas. She's all mine."
Lynette: "I guess he does have a sort of dorky charm."
Gabrielle: "Okay, you're up first, followed by Lynette, uh, and then
Edie...Edie. Where's Edie Britt?"
Edie walks in.
Edie: "Over here..."
The black dress Mrs. Huber was supposed to wear is now on Edie, but it's been cut down to reflect Edie's style.
Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?"
Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?"
Gabrielle: "Yes!"
Edie (curtsies): "Good."
Susan: "Sorry I'm late."
Lynette: "You should never take this dress off for your entire life!"
Susan: "Really? I look okay?"
Bree: "Oh, Susan, you look so gorgeous." She turns to Edie. "Doesn't she, Edie?"
Edie: "Huh. It's a bit much."
Bree: "Gabrielle, you have to change the lineup. Susan has to go last. Nothing is going to top this."
Susan: "Oh no, isn't Helen Rowland going last?"
Lynette: "Oh, she never showed up, somebody's got to take her place."
Gabrielle: "You know, I think that's a great idea! Okay, let's go!"
The others walk away and Gabrielle steps up to Susan.
Gabrielle: "You really do look fantastic."
Gabrielle smiles at Susan, almost painfully. Susan walks away without saying a word.
Tom: "Next up, we have Mrs. Bree Van de Kamp in a pink party dress with laser-cut full skirt and silk belt. And here is another exquisite ball gown by Halston, modeled by the devastatingly sexy Lynette Scavo. Notice the fine detail, the clean lines. The dress is nice too. Next up, please welcome Edie..."
Cheers and whistles from the crowd as Tom falters.
Tom: "...Brit. Edie Britt!"
Helen walks in and hands her dress to a young man in a black t-shirt. Helen: "Please tell Gabrielle I'm sorry I backed out of the show. I'm just not in a very festive mood right now."
Susan: "Helen, Helen, you're here! Did they tell you about the change in lineup? I'm going to go last if that's okay."
Helen: "There's a special place in hell for people like you."
Susan: "I'm sorry, it wasn't my decision."
Helen slaps Susan hard.
Helen: "You're an adult, take some responsibility!"
Susan: "What is wrong with you?"
Helen shoves Susan backwards. On the runway, Edie steps forward provocatively, and eases out of the long black jacket she was wearing, revealing that the dress she's wearing doesn't cover much.
Tom: "Edie is wearing a dignified classic, perfect for a Sunday tea or Christenings."
The catfight continues backstage.
Susan: "Oh! Ow! For God's sake, Helen, this is for charity!"
On stage, Edie turns around and begins walking back.
Tom: "Edie Brit, everyone!"
Backstage, Helen reaches down and rips off the bottom of Susan's dress.
Helen: "Keep your hands off my son!"
Susan: "What?"
On stage...
Tom: "And, uh, finally, to cap off our evening..."
A guy in a black t-shirt approaches Susan.
Guy: "Come on, you're up."
He drags Susan to where she has to make her entrance.
Susan: "I thought that..."
Tom: "...please welcome, Susan Mayer!"
Susan is pushed into the spotlight. She cowers, her hands on her thighs, leaning forward ungainly.
All the ladies stare. Edie chuckles quietly.
Gabrielle: "Tom, say something!"
Tom (looks at his note cards): "A vision in white silk, chiffon..."
Susan takes small steps forward, her hands gathering the dangling part of her dress to cover her thighs. Her right shoe dangles awkwardly.
Tom: "...with gold, hand-painted French lace, and lavender..."
Susan attempts a small smile as her friends start the applause, and the audience kindly joins in.
Tom: "Susan Mayer."
Then Susan turns and hurries out.
Edie: "She's never looked better!"
She laughs.
Backstage, a very quiet Susan is putting her clothing back on. Gabrielle: "Susan, I feel awful about what happened. Susan, talk to me!"
Susan: "Okay, you want me to talk? You're going to find Helen Rowland, and you're going to tell her the truth, before everyone in this neighborhood thinks that I'm the one sleeping with an underage boy."
Gabrielle: "I can't do that!"
Susan: "Why not?"
Gabrielle: "Because she'll tell Carlos, and he'll divorce me!"
Susan: "So what? You obviously don't love him."
Gabrielle: "I do love him! I do! It's just complicated! You know, there's, there's got to be another way to fix this."
Susan: "God, you are so weak!"
Susan turns to leave.
Gabrielle: "Susan, don't be like this!"
Susan: "What did you expect-a hug?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Alexis' House
Lynette walks to the house where Claire told her to be. The house has a lot of toys in the front. Claire comes running out the front door.
Lynette: "Hey."
Claire: "Shhh.
Lynette: "...I took..."
Claire: "Alexis is still here."
Lynette: "What?"
Claire: "She was supposed to go to Pilates, but she got her period.
You've got to go."
Lynette: "Just give me a second."
Claire: "No, she saw you at the park. okay? She knows what you're
trying to do. You're not the first person to approach me."
Alexis: "Claire!"
Lynette: "How can you stay here after the way she treats you?"
Claire: "She can be tough, but it comes with the territory, right?"
Lynette: "I would never treat you that way."
Alexis: "Claire, what did you do with the aspirin?"
Lynette: "I will give you a 20% bump on what she is paying you, plus
overtime."
Alexis" "Damn it, Claire, where the hell are you?"
Claire: "I don't take orders from your friends, I'm not a telephone
answering service, and I don't do laundry."
Lynette: "Dishes?"
Claire: "Only the kids'."
Lynette: "How fast can you pack?"
They shake on it. Claire goes back inside and Lynette runs back to her
van, doing a little dance as she does so.
Lynette: "I've got a nanny..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Susan's House
Julie empties out a wooden chest on her bed. Dollars and coins fall
out.
Julie: "Where are you gonna go?"
Zach: "I don't know. But I can't go home."
Julie: "Are you afraid of your dad?"
Zach: "No, it's not him, all right? It's, it's me. My life is really
messed up. It's bad."
Julie: "What's bad? You can tell me."
She puts her hand on his arm and he flinches away.
Zach: "No, I can't! It's better that you don't know."
Julie walks to her dresser and removes the blanket with the word "Dana"
on it. She shows it to him.
Julie: "I already know a little."
She hands the blanket to Zach. He touches the blanket, looking at the
word "Dana." and starts to tear up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Outside Bree's House
Bree walks outside to meet her daughter, who's coming up the walk.
Bree: "Hi, Danielle, how was school?"
Danielle. "It was okay."
Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Locker Room
Bree is in the boy's locker room adjacent to the pool. She walks up to
a locker and looks at a laminated list she's holding. It reads "Numbers
of Relevance" and includes both Andrew's and Danielle's school locker
combinations. She opens his locker.
"Bree had resorted to extreme measures to save her son's soul. As she
rummaged through Andrew's private possessions..."
Bree finds the marijuana stuffed into a sock. She puts it in her purse.
"...it occurred to her that sometimes a little betrayal is good for the
soul."
Bree puts the marijuana back where she found it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Susan's House
Susan and Zach sit by her bed in her room.
Zach: "I was really young, like four. I heard my mom and my dad
yelling. I heard them yell my name and hers."
Julie: "Dana?"
Zach: "Um hm. So I went down to the room, and I saw them cleaning it
up."
Julie: "Cleaning what up?"
Zach: "Blood."
Julie: "Was it Dana's?"
Zach: "I think so. I couldn't remember this for the longest time. And
then my mom killed herself and I started having these dreams. I don't
even see Dana. I just, I see, I see the blood, and my mom picking me
up, and putting, putting me on the bed, and whispering that it's not my
fault. But after that, every time I'd say her name, they'd get upset. I
wasn't even allowed to say it anymore."
Julie: "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying."
Zach: "I killed my baby sister."
Julie: "Zach. Oh my god."
Zach: "And they buried her. To protect me."
Julie leans forward and hugs Zach. And then he leans forward and kisses
her lightly on the lips.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Helen Rowland's House
Gabrielle parks her car across from the house and walks up to Helen,
who's just come outside.
Gabrielle: "Helen! Do you have a minute?"
Helen: "Oh, Gabrielle, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I
was about what happened at the fundraiser. I didn't intend to cause a
scene."
Gabrielle: "No, it's okay, people didn't even notice."
Helen: "Well, this is a little awkward. I know you are friends with
Susan Mayer. But let's just say. I had my reasons."
Gabrielle: "It wasn't Susan. It was me."
Helen: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who was sleeping with your son. I'm so sorry."
Helen: "For how long?"
Gabrielle: "Almost a year. But it's over now."
Helen: "So, when it started, he was sixteen?"
Gabrielle: "I think..."
Helen reaches into her mail box and takes out the mail.
Gabrielle: "But Helen, you have to believe me. It's over now."
Helen: "No, you're wrong. it's not even close to being over."
She turns away and walks back up to her door.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
School
Andrew's friend: "Dude, coach wants to see you."
Andrew: "Really? Hey, I bet it's about my scholarship."
Andrew walks into the locker room. His locker is open, with the coach
standing next to it. The bag of marijuana is in plain sight. The coach
takes it out and waves it in front of Andrew's face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Bree's House
Bree's arranging flowers when the phone rings.
Bree: "Hello? Yes, this is she... Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm
just...horrified. There must be some sort of terrible mistake. Um,
yeah, okay. Well, I will be right down."
Bree finishes arranging the flowers and smiles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Lender's Shop
A man sands down a box.
"Elsewhere, another darker secret was the object of an investigation."
A man in a dark suit walks in.
Detective Beckerman (shouting): "Mr. Lender! Mr. Lender!"
Mr. Lender: "Huh?"
He turns off the saw and turns around.
Detective Beckerman: "Detective Beckerman. This is Detective Burnett.
We were hoping for a minute of your time."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Nighttime; Outside Susan's House
Susan walks up to her house. She sees Paul talking to Julie and she
walks hurriedly up to them.
Paul: "...if you know anything about Zach's whereabouts you need to
tell me now."
Susan: "Honey, what's going on?"
Paul: "Zach's gone from Silvercrest. They found letters in his room.
Letters from Julie."
Susan: "Well yes, they were writing to each other."
Paul: "I need to see those letters."
Julie: Mom, they're private."
Paul: "My son is missing."
Susan: "Julie, in the letters, did Zach say anything about running
away?"
Julie: "No."
Susan: "There's your answer."
Paul: "Susan."
Susan: "If we hear anything, I will let you know right away. I
understand how worried you must be."
Paul: "Obviously you don't."
Susan: "Paul, my daughter doesn't lie."
Paul walks away and Susan rubs Julie's hand reassuringly. Julie looks
at her, worried.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Detective's Office
Mr. Lender looks through photos of the recovered box Paul threw into
the river.
Mr. Lender: "This is a very popular design. I must have sold several
hundred of these just like it, about ten years back."
Detective Beckerman: "You keep any kind of documentation?"
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, I have a list of customers names on file. Somewhere.
It's been a while."
Detective Burnett: "We'll need a copy of that list."
Mr. Lender: "Oh sure. Wow, this chest looks like it's been through
hell."
Detective Beckerman: "Yeah, we pulled it out of Rockwater Lake. You
could say 'by way of hell', considering."
Mr. Lender: "Was there anything in the chest?"
Detective Burnett: "It had a body inside. Adult female."
Mr. Lender: "Yeah, but how do you fit a body into a chest that size?"
Detective Beckerman: "It was chopped up."
He walks away from a wall where many photographs are of the box and its
contents. As the camera pulls away, gruesome forensic pictures of
chopped up bones, both stuffed in the box, and laid out on a table, are
seen in the photos.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Bree's House
Bree gets dinner on the table while Rex berates Andrew.
Rex: "Of all the stupid, boneheaded decisions. What were you thinking?"
Andrew: "I was set up. All right? The coach got an anonymous phone
call."
Rex: "Andrew, what does it matter. The pot was there!"
Andrew: "I was holding it for a friend!"
Rex: "You know, I can't decide which is more humiliating. The fact that
my son got caught with pot in his locker, or that he can't even come up
with a decent enough lie to explain it!"
He walks away. Andrew shakes his head and goes to look at his mother.
Bree, settin the table, looks back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Susan's House
Carlos is going through papers.
"Gabrielle believed there was an excellent chance Helen Rowland would
inform Carlos of his wife's extramarital activities. Gabrielle knew she
had to come clean."
Gabrielle: "Carlos."
Carlos: "Yeah."
"But coming clean..."
Gabrielle: "I uh."
"...was not one of Gabrielle's specialties."
Gabrielle: "I'm going to bed."
Carlos: "Thanks for the news flash."
Gabrielle sees police cars pull up in front of the house, lights
flashing.
She gasps.
Gabrielle (quietly): "She turned me in."
She rushes back to her husband and falls on her knees in front of him.
Gabrielle: "Carlos! Carlos! I am so sorry! I am so sorry!"
Carlos: "Sorry for what?"
Gabrielle: "Just know that whatever happens, I love you very, very
much!"
Knocking is heard on the door.
FBI: "FBI, open the door."
Knocking is again heard on the door.
Carlos: "Oh my God..."
FBI: "FBI, if you do not open the door, I am authorized to enter the
premises by use of force."
Carlos opens the door.
FBI: "Carlos Solis, I have a warrant for your arrest. You have the
right to remain silent."
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
FBI: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of
law."
Carlos: "Call our lawyer."
FBI: "You have the right to speak with an attorney, or have an attorney
present during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be
appointed for you at government expense."
One of the FBI men hands Gabrielle a piece of paper.
Gabrielle: "Carlos, wait!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, this will all be taken care of, I promise. I'm
innocent, I swear to God. It was Tanaka. He set me up."
He's put into the back of the police car and is driven off.
"People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform
great acts of charity."
Remnants of the fashion show are swept up.
"On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal."
Carlos sits quietly in a jail cell.
"It's a constant battle that ranges within all of us, between the
better angels of our nature, and the temptation of our inner demons."
Bree walks down the hallway, holding laundry. She comes to Andrew's
room, where she stops to look in. Andrew is sitting on his bed,
crushing out in an ashtray something he was smoking. He gets off the
bed and closes the door in Bree's face.
"And sometimes the only way to ward off the darkness..."
Julie, lying on her bed, looks down at Zach, who's sleeping on the
floor.
"...is to shine the light of compassion."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Outside Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is sitting quietly on her front porch. Susan comes up to her
and sits down.
Gabrielle: "They took him away in handcuffs."
Susan puts her arm around Gabrielle, trying to soothe her.
~ The End ~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.10 - Come Back To Me
Guest stars
"Maisy Gibbons" - Sharon Lawrence
"Claire" - Marla Sokoloff
"Mr. Hartley" - Shawn Doyle
"Judge Sullivan" - Lorna Raver
"Yao Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Receptionist" - Carlease Burke
"FBI Agent" - Nigel Gibbs
"Guard" - Charles Martinez
"Repo Man" - Joe Rose
"Man" - Tom Virtue
"Ms. McCready" - Mari Weiss
Written by: Patty Lin
Directed by: Fred Gerber
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Maisy Gibbons's House
A hand picks up a hairbrush. The camera pans up to show that Maisy Gibbons is sitting in front of a mirror, brushing her hair.
"To understand Maisy Gibbons, you first need to know how she spent her afternoons."
Maisy drives by in a BMW SUV, waving to Susan and Bree, who are standing outside, talking. They wave back.
"Her mornings were spent running errands for her husband. Her evenings were spent washing dishes and helping with homework."
Maisy, with rubber gloves on, loads the dishwasher, then walks over to the kitchen table, where her young daughter is doing homework. Maisy: "Okay, so nine plus one is..."
"But her afternoons, well, they were spent in the company of men."
While Mary Alice speaks, Maisy is shown opening up her front door on various days, smiling beautifully as she welcomes all types of men into her home.
"Frustrated. Misunderstood. Lonely men. Willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons was willing to help them."
Maisy turns from her mirror as one of her customers speaks as he finishes getting dressed. She begins making the bed.
Customer: "Maisy, I’re always wondered, Nobody knows about your little hobby, do they?"
Maisy: "Mm-mm."
Customer: "Is it hard? Keeping a secret like this?"
Maisy: "Well maybe if it was just my secret. But the way I see it, I keep the secrets of every man who comes to me. And I find that absolutely exhilarating. A few years back, Harold lost his job, and we had to give up our membership at the country club. And then one day one of my club friends asked why she hadn’t seen me around lately, and I told her that we couldn’t afford it anymore. She waved it off like it was nothing. But I saw her...get that look in her eye, that look of...pity."
Customer: "Maybe she was just trying to be nice. Anyway, is that so bad, feeling sorry for someone?"
Maisy: "When they say something, they are being supportive. But when they say nothing, it’s because they think that you’re so far gone you’re never coming back."
Customer: "Gotcha."
Maisy: "Anyway, a couple of months later, I started my little hobby...and the most wonderful thing happened. This woman’s husband became one of my regulars."
Customer: "Wow."
The doorbell rings.
Maisy: "Oh, would you be a lamb and go out the back? It’s my next appointment."
Customer: "Sure."
Maisy: "It’s the husband of the woman I was telling you about."
Maisy opens up the front door, smiling.
Maisy: "Hello there."
Rex: "Hey, Maisy."
He steps inside, kissing her on her cheek as she closes the front door.
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Credits
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Courtroom
"Every morality play has its cast of characters. There is always an innocent victim..."
Gabrielle sits in the courtroom, looking worried.
"...a deceitful villain..."
Carlos, in an orange jail outfit, sits at a table with his lawyer.
"...a prosecutor who seeks the truth..."
A no-nonsense woman in a business suit sits at the other table in the courtroom, an open laptop in front of her.
"...a magistrate that dispenses justice..."
The judge, Judge Sullivan, takes a file someone hands her.
"...and a lawyer who charges too much."
Carlos's lawyer looks through some papers in front of him.
"This morality play was being produced at the Fairview County Courthouse. Its themes were trust and betrayal."
Judge Sullivan: "So, what’s your issue with bail in this case, Ms. McCready?
Ms. McCready: "We want bail denied, your honor. The defendant’s company imported goods manufactured by slave labor, and his business partner, Mr. Tenaka, has already fled the country. And Mr. Solis, himself, has refused to surrender his passport."
Judge Sullivan: "Dog ate your client’s passport, Mr. Hartley?"
Mr. Hartley: "It’s been temporarily misplaced, your honor, but we maintain that Akisha Tenaka set up and executed the entire operation. Mr. Solis is no business partner, but merely a hired contractor. And I'd also like to point out that my client is the sole provider of his wife, and his mother, who is hospitalized in a coma as we speak."
Judge Sullivan: "Bring me the passport, and Mr. Solis can visit his mother. Until then, your client is denied bail and remanded. What’s next?"
She bangs down her gavel, and Carlos is escorted from the courtroom by a bailiff. He looks at Gabrielle as he leaves. Gabrielle hangs her head.
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Lynette's House
Lynette: "You better finish those brussel sprouts. And don’t think I can’t see them hidden under your macaroni."
Twin: "I hate brussel sprouts."
Lynette: "Yeah? Well, brussel sprouts help you grow. You don’t want to be short your whole life, do you? Here, look, you know what we’ll do? We’re gonna dip them in a little cheese. Here you go. Good, yummy!"
He spits it out. The boys get up from the table to run off.
Lynette: "Fine, fine. Be three foot eight the rest of your life. See if I care. Good luck finding girlfriends!"
Claire walks in.
Claire: "Hey, didn’t you have a lunch today?"
Lynette: "I’m going to cancel it. The boys are in rare form, and you’re still finding your way."
Claire: "Lynette. It’s been two days."
Lynette: "I...don’t want to...shock them, by suddenly disappearing. You know? Deep down, they’re very sensitive."
The two of them look at the boys who are ignoring the women as they throw their toys around.
Claire: "They’ll be fine. Now go. Get out of here."
Lynette: "You have my cell phone number. You call me if you need anything."
Claire: "I will."
Lynette: "Okay. You boys. Come here and give mamma a three-bear hug."
They come running.
Lynette: "Come on, one, two, three, get in, get in!"
Bear 1: "Bye, mom!"
Bear 2: "Bye, mom!"
Bear 3: "Bye!"
Lynette: "Okay."
She leaves.
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Susan's House
Julie spoons Chinese food from a take-out container onto a plate.
Off-camera, Mike and Susan can be heard flirting.
Mike: "Just, watch your hands..."
Julie: "Um, I’m going to eat upstairs. I’re got a ton of homework."
Susan: "What are you, storing up for winter?"
Julie: "I’m just...really hungry. Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up."
Susan: "Oh, how awful!"
Julie: "Mom, you’re smiling."
Susan: "Am I? Hmm."
Julie: "Anyway, because of all the drama, he can’t take me this weekend, so...I’ll be home after all. Good night!"
She runs upstairs with her food, leaving Mike and Susan alone.
Susan: "Oh great, our romantic weekend is off."
Mike: "We could move it to my house."
Susan: "No."
Mike: "Why not?"
Susan: "I just, I just want it to be special."
Mike: "And it can’t be special at my house."
Susan: "Okay. I know this sounds weird, but I just need to have my things around me."
Mike: "What things?"
Susan: "Perfumes and oils. And I want to pick out the outfit that you are going to tear off me. And plus, I need to be in complete control of the lighting."
Mike: "Okay, we’ll wait until next weekend."
Susan: "You are just the sweetest guy."
She leans over to kiss him, and they end up kissing for a long, extended time.
Mike: "I can’t wait 'til next weekend."
Susan: "No, me neither."
Mike: "What about tomorrow when Julie’s at school? I’re got an early job and that’s it."
Susan: "Oh, no good. My publisher's got me under the gun for something. What about Friday?"
Mike: "Mmm. I’m repiping the house."
Susan: "Damn, Karl, I’m not even married to him anymore and he’s still keeping me from having sex."
She stabs her food with her fork.
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Julie's Room
Zach eats the food Julie brought him.
Julie: "I can’t hide you in my room forever, and I think we need to tell my mom. You can trust her, I promise."
Zach: "You didn’t tell her what I told you, did you?"
Julie: "No! No, no. I would never tell anyone that."
Zach gets up.
Julie: "What are you doing?
Zach: "I don’t want to cause problems for you. I’m just, I’m just going to go."
Julie: "Zach, stop. Don’t go. I won’t tell her."
Zach: "I swear, I’ll be out of here soon. I’ll think of something, okay?"
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Bree's House
Bree is playing solitaire, dressed for bed. Rex comes into the house.
Bree: "Hello."
Rex: "Why are you up?"
Bree: "I could ask you the same question."
Rex: "I’m going to bed. I didn’t ask you to wait up for me. Remember, I‘m here as our children’s father, not your husband."
Bree picks up the jacket he just took off, and sniffs the collar.
Rex: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "Were you with a woman? Did you tell her that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?"
Rex: "All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!"
Bree: "Options! I’m not a mutual fund, Rex!"
Rex: "Oh, that’s not...Bree, you should get out there. Try and meet someone."
Bree: "Meet someone. I’m raising your children."
Rex: "I am just trying to move on with my life. It is nothing to be ashamed of!"
Bree: "Oh, okay. I tell you what then. Why don’t you just call up your mystery woman and invite her over. I’ll pull out the sofa bed and you can take her right there. Andrew! Danielle! Daddy’s gonna fornicate for us!"
Rex: "Keep your voice down."
Bree: "Why, are you feeling ashamed?"
She pushes past him.
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Outside Mrs. Huber's House
"The next morning started with a banging."
Edie stands on Mrs. Huber's porch, banging loudly on the door.
"No one knew where Martha Huber was, and Edie Britt was starting to worry. Edie didn’t like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles. So, out of concern for her face and Mrs. Huber, Edie decided to find out what was going on."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle rifles quickly through a drawer with papers in it. Finding nothing important, she closes the drawer and finds Yao Lin.
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, listen to me. It’s very important that we find Carlos?passport. I’re already looked through his office, so I need you to search the bedroom."
Yao Lin stares at Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: "What?"
Yao Lin: "With Mr. Solis in jail, how are you going to pay me? I have children."
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, your kids are in their twenties. If it'll make you shut up..."
Gabrielle writes a check.
Gabrielle: "Here. Three weeks in advance."
Yao Lin: "If you don’t mind, can I call your bank?"
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin, don’t be stupid. People don’t become poor overnight."
Gabrielle looks out the window where a tow truck is hooking her car up to be towed.
Gabrielle: "Huh? That’s my car! Oh my god!"
Gabrielle runs outside.
Gabrielle: "Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Where are you taking my car?"
Tow guy: "The government is impounding it. Here's your receipt. Call that number if you have any questions."
He drives off. Gabrielle watches it leave and notices some neighbors watching.
Gabrielle: "You call this a paint job?! I don’t want to see it again until it’s perfect!"
She glances quickly at the couple watching her and then storms into the house.
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Bree's House
Bree irons shirts while Lynette sits nearby.
Lynette: "I wonder what’s going on over there. I mean, Claire did okay with the kids yesterday, but that could have been beginner’s luck. Do you think I should call? I should call!"
Bree: "Lynette, for the first time in years you finally have some free time, and you’re wasting it obsessing about the kids."
Lynette: "It’s just, I don’t know this woman, I mean, not really. So she has a degree in sociology. Well big deal, who doesn’t? My boys are a lot to handle. What if she’s not up to it?"
Bree: "You know, if you really have that many doubts, you should go buy a hidden camera."
Lynette (laughing): "What, a nanny cam?"
Bree: "Yeah. People do terrible things when they think no one is watching them."
Lynette: "Yeah. I don’t really think I could videotape Claire. It would be a breach of trust."
Bree: "Trust is overrated."
Lynette: "So, how are things with you and Rex?"
Bree: "Fine. Why do you ask?"
Lynette: "Well, I’m just curious. I mean, he moves out, he moves back in. Is he back for good?"
Bree: "Uh, the situation is, um, fluid. I’m not certain what his plans are yet."
Lynette: "So if you’re not sure he’s back for good, why are you ironing his shirts?"
Bree: "Because I have faith that he’ll come back. And that he’ll do the right thing."
Lynette: "That’s good. It’s good to have faith in people."
Bree: "Yeah. But I’ll still buy that camera."
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Susan's House
Susan licks an envelope and then sees Mike’s truck drive by. She gets up and watches him park in his driveway, then go into his house. She smiles.
Later, dressed in lingerie, Susan calls Mike on the phone.
Mike: "Hello."
Susan: "Mike."
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "My oven’s out.
Mike: "Uh huh."
Susan: Come over and help my find my pilot light."
She hangs up, then turns on the stereo to the song Here I Am (Come And Take Me). As she gets ready for Mike to come over by throwing rose petals on the bed and floor, she sings along, dancing as she sings. Susan: "Oh, candles, candles!"
She goes into Julie's room and grabs some scented candles. As she dances her way out, Zach hides behind the door, unseen by Susan. Mike heads out of his house, heading towards Susan's. Zach walks down the hallway, but the floor beneath him creaks. Susan hears it.
Susan: "Mike? Mike, is that you? I’m up here!"
Susan gets on the bed and positions herself.
Mike gets to Susan's house and finds a note taped to the front door reading "Come on in! ♥ "
He smiles and opens the door. Zach, who had just been heading down the stairs, quickly heads back upstairs. When he gets to Susan's open door, he pauses, and the floor beneath him creaks again.
Susan: "Mike?"
Nobody answers, so Susan gets off her bed and quietly goes across her room. Zach creeps back down the hallway. Susan removes a thigh master from her closet and creeps toward her door. Zach hides behind a door and Susan comes out of her room, swinging the thigh master furiously, and hitting Mike, who falls backwards.
Susan: "Oh my god!"
Mike: "What the hell!"
Susan: "I’m so sorry, I thought there was someone in the house."
Mike: "So you took your clothes off?"
Susan: "No. My clothes were already off. I was going to seduce you."
Mike: "It didn’t really work."
Susan: "Oh, I’m sorry, are you okay?"
She begins kissing his face.
Mike: "Oh..."
When he stops responding, Susan realizes that he's looking past her. She turns around and sees Zach in the doorway, looking at them.
Zach: "Please don’t be mad."
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Susan's House, Later
Julie comes home from school.
Julie: "Hey, there!"
She notices Zach sitting at the kitchen table with Susan and Mike standing by it.
Julie: "Zach, what are you doing here?"
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Lynette's House
"Later that day, while Claire was out getting the boys wired on ice cream, Lynette did some wiring of her own."
Lynette sets up a hidden camera in a big ceramic Mr. Toad. She holds it up to eye-level and smiles. She then places it on the refrigerator. She goes over to a small TV on the counter and turns it on. The image from the camera is shown on the TV.
Lynette takes a teddy bear and stands in front of the camera, but watches herself on the TV. Gently, she cradles the teddy bear like a baby. Then, holding it at arm's length, she shakes the bear. Then she slaps the bear several times across the face. Then she throws it off to the side, looks directly at the camera, and shrugs, satisfied.
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Susan's House
Julie: "No you can’t do this, you can’t send Zach back!"
Susan: "Julie, what else can I do? He can’t stay here!"
Julie: "His father sent him to a psycho ward!"
Zach: "Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center."
Susan (to Mike): "What do you think?"
Mike: "Paul is his father. He has a right to know his son’s okay. And, he finds out you’re hiding him, you’ll get in a lot of trouble."
Susan: "He’s right. Sorry, guys!"
Julie: "Mom, please don’t do this! If you knew what Zach had been through-"
Zach: "Julie! Julie. It’s okay. I’ll be fine."
They hug.
Mike: "I’ll, uh, take him back over so you two can..."
Susan: "Listen, if Paul sees Zach and freaks out..."
Mike: "I’ll bring him right back."
Susan: "Thank you."
Mike and Zach leave.
Susan: "Young lady, we need to talk about what you did."
Julie: "I really don’t feel like talking to you right now."
She runs up the stairs.
Outside, Mike and Zach walk to Paul's house.
Mike: "Uh, listen, Zach. If things ever get really bad..." (hands Zach his business card) "It’s got my cell number on it. Give me a call. Any time."
Zach: "Thanks!"
He stays on the sidewalk as Mike goes up to the door and knocks. Paul opens the door and sees Zach.
Paul: "Oh, thank god."
He hugs Zach, then turns to Mike.
Paul: "How did you-"
Mike: "We’ll talk later." (to Zach) "Remember, any time."
He walks off and Zach and Paul go back inside.
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Maisy's House
Maisy slowly removes various sexual toys from her drawer. Behind her, sitting in a chair, with his back to her, sits Rex, naked.
Maisy: "I heard you moved back home."
Rex: "Yeah, I had to. We had some problems with Andrew. I’ll move out eventually."
Maisy: "Spikes or pearls?"
Rex: "Your choice."
Maisy puts on the pearl collar.
Maisy: "You know what I think?"
Rex: "Hmmm?"
Maisy: "You don’t really want to leave her."
Rex: "Please don’t psychoanalyze me."
Maisy: "You’re still in love with her."
Rex: "I never said I wasn’t."
Maisy: "Then why divorce?"
Rex: "Oh, so now you’re rooting for us two crazy kids to work-"
He turns slightly in his chair to look at her, and she pounds her fist on the dresser. Properly rebuffed, he turns back to his original position.
Maisy: "Hey! You know me. I’m just a romantic at heart. Scarves or cuffs?"
Rex: "Up to you. Even if I could find a way to deal with Bree’s whole obsessive compulsive thing, it’s not the only problem in our marriage. As you know, I have certain needs."
Maisy: "Boots or stilettos."
Rex: "Stilettos, please."
Maisy: "Why don’t you just tell Bree what you need? Tell her what you want."
Rex: "Because she’ll say no."
Maisy: "So? I’re said no to some things you’re asked me to do."
Rex: "Yeah, that’s different. I don’t care if you reject me."
Maisy snaps her fingers and Rex drops to the floor, face down..
Maisy: "Rex, won’t you trust me on this? Sometimes, when you love somebody, you just got to make sacrifices for them."
Rex: "Love or passion? It’s an awful choice to make."
Maisy: "Yes, it is. And I have to warn you. This might hurt a little bit."
She steps onto his back, wearing the stilettos, and walks slowly on him.
Rex groans as she walks.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle takes the receipt the tow-truck man gave her and slaps it to Carlos's lawyer's chest.
Gabrielle: "How am I supposed to live without a car?"
Lawyer: "Gabrielle, listen. Tanaka is still at large, and they’re going to want Carlos to flip on him, so this is their way of playing hardball. Now, I’m guessing that they’re not done yet."
Gabrielle: "Why? What else could they take from us?"
Lawyer: "Pretty much anything. It’s all fair game if they even think they can trace it to ill-gotten gains."
Gabrielle: "No, no, no. No! Some of this stuff is mine. When I modeled. Before I even met Carlos! See this, costa boda, bought it when I landed my first cover. This, I spent eight hours on a rock in a bikini for that painting!"
Lawyer: "I understand how you feel."
Gabrielle: "No, you don’t understand. I have dug myself up from dirt to afford these things, and no one is going to take them away from me!"
Lawyer: "Then I suggest you find yourself a good hiding place. They can‘t take what they can’t find. Oh, and if you could scare up that passport too, that would be good!"
He leaves.
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Bree's House
Bree's doorbell rings. She answers the door to see Gabrielle outside. Bree: "Oh, hi Gabrielle! What have you got there?"
Gabrielle: "My china. I know how you’re always loved it, and I thought you might want to borrow it for a while."
She takes the box she's holding and hands it over to Bree.
Bree: "Oh! Well, that’s um, very thoughtful of you."
Gabrielle: "Say, um, could I store some odds and ends in your garage?"
Bree: "Sure! Why don’t you, uh, come by tomorrow?"
Gabrielle: "Sooner is better than later!"
She rushes off, leaving Bree holding the china.
For the next while, Gabrielle transfers everything of value from her place to Bree's. When she's done, Bree comes over and stands with Gabrielle to look at the garage, which is completely filled now with Gabrielle's belongings.
Gabrielle smiles at Bree, who smiles back, but she clearly doesn't know what to say.
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Maisy's House
Rex and Maisy are in the throws of passionate love-making, when suddenly Rex begins to make a weird noise.
Maisy: "Rex? Rex? Rex!"
With one hand attached to Rex's via handcuffs, she tries to grab the phone, but she can't reach it. She quickly uses her other hand to make a call.
Maisy: "I need an ambulance. Right away!"
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Bree's House
Bree is in the garage, looking through Gabrielle's things, when the phone rings.
Bree: "Hello. This is she. Yes, he’s my husband."
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Hospital
Bree rushes up to a nurse's station.
Bree: "Um, excuse me, I’m here to see Rex Van de Kamp. Apparently, he had a heart attack. I’m not sure when"
Nurse: "He’s being prepped for surgery right now. If you’ll like to wait."
Bree: "Could I at least poke my head in? I’m his wife."
Nurse: "Your his wife?"
Bree: "Yes. Why?"
Nurse: "I was thinking of a different patient. Let me get the doctor."
She walks off. Bree stares after her, then goes around the desk to look at the nurse's log. She sees Rex's name, then the person who signed Rex in: Maisy Gibbons.
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Lynette's House
Claire pours some hot water into a cup of tea, then heads for the stairs, turning off the light in the kitchen.
"As Claire prepared for bed, she was unaware that somewhere else in the Scavo house, the day she had just finished, was starting all over again."
Lynette watches the tape as she lies in bed. Throughout the day, Claire sang to the kids, played puppets with the kids, and made balloon animals. The kids love her.
"Lynette was relieved to see that Claire was doing a good job. And after further viewing, it dawned on Lynette...Claire might be doing her job...a little too well."
On the videotape, Claire is seen holding her arms out to the boys and saying "Come give me a three-bear hug!" The boys all run to hug her.
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Susan's House
Susan comes down the stairs to where Julie is reading a book in the living room.
Susan: "Here’s the candles I borrowed. Thanks."
Julie: "I’m trying to read, so if you don’t mind?"
Susan: "I cannot believe that after everything you did, you’re mad at me."
Julie: "I told Zach that he could trust you, and you turned him in."
Susan: "Yeah, well, someone had to be responsible, and like it or not, I’re got a birth certificate that says I’m your mother."
Julie: "Since when?"
Susan: "What is that supposed to mean?"
Julie: "Since dad left, if there’s been a mother around here, it’s been me!"
Susan: "Julie!"
Julie: "Do you remember after the divorce that you stayed in bed for a week, and I had to beg you to eat something?"
Susan: "Yeah, but..."
Julie: "And for weeks, I had to clean the house, I had to make sure that the bills were paid. I even had to schedule my own doctor’s appointment once."
Susan: "I was in bad shape back then."
Julie: "It’s still going on. And now that I need some support, you decide to play the mom card?"
Susan: "I had to send Zach back. We could have gotten in a lot of trouble."
Julie: "Yeah? Well now Zach's the one who's in trouble. You sent him back to a man who hates him."
She runs up the stairs.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle comes down the stairs of her house and looks around at the nearly-empty house.
"As Gabrielle considered the vast emptiness of her new surroundings, she was surprised to find there was only one thing she truly missed. Her husband."
The doorbell rings. She goes to answer it.
FBI Agent: "Mrs. Solis, a warrant to enter your house and repossess any goods which we suspect may have been obtained..." (he looks around the empty house) "...illegally."
Gabrielle: "We’re not into clutter."
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Lynette's House
Lynette sits on the couch with her three boys. She picks up a children's book from the coffee table and puts on her reading glasses.
Lynette: "All right."
Harvey: "The Flying Turtle? Doesn’t this look fun!"
Porter: "Where’s Claire?"
Lynette: "I gave her the afternoon off. Who wants to turn pages?"
Preston: "Is she sick?"
Lynette: "No. She’s fine. I just wanted us all to spend the day together, you know, like we used to. Here we go. Once upon a time there was a young turtle named Harvey. Every day Harvey would all tell the other turtles, no day I’m going to fly off this island and go see the world.? The other turtles laughed and said turtles can’t fly.? Oh, it‘s getting good now, huh?"
She looks at her boys, who sit there sadly.
Lynette: "Well, what’s wrong?"
Porter: "When Claire reads, she does funny voices."
Lynette: "Does she, now? Okay. Harvey didn’t like the turtles laughing, so he told them," (speaking in a different voice) " She’ll show you. One day I will fly higher than the birds!?
Preston: "That’s not funny."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, I’m just warming up. Then Bruno, the big bad turtle took Harvey up on a cliff and threw him over, and he proclaimed," (speaking in a different voice) "We’ll see if you can fly, fly or die, fly or die!"
Parker: "When’s Claire coming back?"
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Prison
Gabrielle sits across a table from Carlos, who's in a bright orange prison uniform. Other inmates and their visitors sit at various other tables in the same room.
Carlos: "What happened to all your nails?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I, I moved all our stuff, to keep it from the feds."
Carlos: "It kills me that I’m putting you through this."
They clasp hands.
Guard: "Hands on the table."
They unclasp hands and each lean back into their chairs.
Gabrielle: "It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll take care of everything until you’re back to do it yourself. And you will be soon."
Carlos: "I got to be honest. I didn’t know how you would hold up. I knew you were a strong woman, but I had no idea. You’re a good wife, Gabby. A real partner."
Gabrielle: "Oh, Carlos, I love you so much! I would give up a house full of expensive junk just to put this behind us, and have you home with me."
Carlos: "That sounds pretty good right now."
By this time, they're both leaning forward. Gabrielle calls out loudly to the guard.
Gabrielle: "I’m going to kiss my husband now!"
Guard: "Hands on the table."
They lean forward and begin kissing. After the first kiss, but still in the kissing position, Carlos begins speaking quietly.
Carlos: "There’s a false panel on the back wall of the closet. My passport is there, along with some papers. Take the passport to the lawyer, and burn the papers."
They break the kiss. Gabrielle looks at him with a puzzled expression. He motions with his head and puckers his lips so she’ll kiss him again.
She puts her lips against his.
Gabrielle: "Carlos, did you know what Tanaka was doing?"
Carlos: "Just burn the papers."
They break the kiss and Gabrielle stares at Carlos.
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Outside Lynette's House
Lynette pulls into her driveway and Edie walks up to her.
Edie: "Hey Lynette, did Martha Huber happen to leave a spare key to her house with you?"
Lynette: "No."
Edie: "Oh!."
Lynette: "Where is she, by the way? I haven’t seen her in days."
Edie: "You’re got me. She kicked me out so fast that I forgot my laptop, and there’s just some stuff on there that I don’t want anyone else to see."
Lynette: "Oh. Well. Good luck with that."
Edie: "You know, you’re not looking half bad. What have you done with that little posse of yours?"
Lynette: "They’re with the new nanny."
Edie: "Wow! Your own personal nanny? Swell you!"
Lynette: "Well, trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You know, our mothers were smart. They didn’t get us nannies or put us in day care, because they knew, if they did, we’ll find out - there are other women out there who were better mothers than they were!"
Edie: "You know, I had a nanny for a while, growing up. Mrs. Muntz."
Lynette: "You had a nanny?"
Edie: "Well, actually, she was more like a court-appointed social worker. My mom did a little time. She had a thing for bourbon and shoplifting."
Lynette: "Oh! Sorry."
Edie: "Oh, Muntz was a hardass. No mercy. In fact, she was such a disciplinarian, that when my mom made parole, I was actually happy to see her."
Lynette: "Really."
Edie: "Yeah. Lesser of two evils."
Lynette: "Huh."
Edie: "Anyway, I’re got to find a key. See you later."
Lynette: "Bye."
Edie walks off.
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Susan's House
Mike and Susan talk.
Susan: "Thanks for your help with Zach before."
Mike: "Oh, it’s my pleasure. I hope he comes out of this okay. He’s a little squirrelly, but he seems like a good kid."
Susan: "Yeah."
He sits down at the kitchen table where Susan's sitting and hands her a cup of something to drink.
Mike: "So, how’s Julie taking all of this?"
Susan: "Not well. She accused me of not being a good mother."
Mike: "You’re a great mom."
Susan: "Well, she was sort of right. After my divorce, I really leaned on her a lot."
Mike: "Seems natural."
Susan: "And I still kinda do it. I just want somebody to talk to about all my adult stuff, and she’s right there, and she just acts so mature, I forget she’s thirteen."
Mike: "Well the good news is that from now on, if you ever want to talk to somebody about grown-up stuff, you’re got me."
Susan: "Well, I can’t talk to you about everything."
Mike: "Oh?"
Susan: "What if I want to talk about the big crush I have on the plumber that lives across the street?"
Mike: "Big crush, huh?"
Susan: "Oh, yeah."
Mike: "Well, you’ll have to tell me more."
Susan: "Well, um, he’s got a smile that’s to die for, and don’t get me started on his tattoo."
She kisses his hand.
Susan: "Thanks."
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Maisy's House
The doorbell rings. Maisy opens it to find Bree on the other side.
Maisy: "Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?"
Bree: "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?"
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Paul's House
Paul and Zach sit at the dining room table, eating dinner. Zach picks at his food.
Paul: "Would you like some more potatoes?"
Zach: "You already asked me that."
Paul: "Sorry. I’m so relieved you're safe, I’m not thinking straight."
Zach: "Does that mean you’re not going to send me back to Silvercrest?"
Paul: "You’re got to understand. Your behavior, the violence, breaking into the Van de Kamps. I just didn’t know what you were going through."
Zach: "You could have asked me."
Paul: "Well."
Zach: "I’re been remembering things. Things from when I was little."
Paul: "What kind of things?"
Zach: "Awful things."
Paul: "Zach, listen to me. Sometimes it's not good to look back in the past."
Zach: "But I can’t help it. These images just keep popping into my head."
Paul: "Well, then you’re got to find a way to push them back out again."
Zach: "Okay."
Paul: "More potatoes?"
Zach: "Yes, please."
Paul: "It sure is nice to be back to normal."
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Maisy's House
Bree and Maisy sit on opposite facing couches in Maisy's living room.
Maisy: "You should know that Rex still loves you very much."
Bree: "He said that?"
Maisy: "Yes."
Bree: "Then why is he so unhappy?"
Maisy: "He has certain needs and he’s afraid to discuss them with you."
Bree: "Needs. Like, sexual needs?"
Maisy: "Yes."
Bree: "And have you fulfilled those needs?"
Maisy doesn’t answer, but instead just smiles.
Bree: "I see." (stands up) "You know, you are pretty brazen for a woman who just admitted, however tacitly, that she just slept with my husband. If I told anyone in this neighborhood, they would never speak to you again."
Maisy: "You’re not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you‘ll hate the humiliation a lot more."
Bree: "Oh, I don’t hate you, Maisy. I pity you."
She walks out.
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Lynette's House
Lynette: "Hi."
Claire: "Oh, hey Lynette. You heading out now?"
Lynette: "Yep. Um, I’ll be home late, so just the usual routine. A nap for Penny, and-"
Claire: "I know, no sugar after five. I got it."
Lynette: "You’re the best. Oh, one more thing. Since the boys are having corn dogs for dinner, I’ll like you to make sure they get a vegetable to go with it."
She goes to the freezer and pulls out a bag of frozen vegetables.
Claire: "Brussel sprouts?"
Lynette: "They’re full of iron. Could you make sure they clean their plates?"
Claire: "Not a problem. I have this little trick I do. I cover the veggies with some cheese."
Lynette: "You sly dog."
She leaves.
" That night, Lynette settled in to watch her personal pick for feel-good movie of the year."
On the video...
Claire: "You guys, you need to eat your brussel sprouts."
Angry voice: "Brussel spouts taste yucky!"
Angry voice: "I don’t want this!"
The boys start throwing their food at Claire, who pleads with them to stop. Lynette, watching the tape while eating popcorn, smiles.
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Hospital
Rex awakens and sees Bree standing at the window looking out.
Rex: "Hey."
Bree: "Hey."
Rex: "I guess they operated, huh?"
Bree: "They sure did."
Rex: "How'd it go?"
Bree: "It went well. The surgeon says you’re going to be as good as new."
Rex: "You look like you’re been crying."
Bree: "I have. I was so afraid you were gonna die. There were so many things I haven’t had a chance to tell you."
Rex: "I’m sorry you were so worried."
Bree: "That’s okay. How are you now, Rex? Are you strong enough to listen to the things I need to tell you?"
Rex: "Sure, hon."
Bree sits on the edge of the bed and leans down so that she's near Rex's face.
Bree: "I know you still love me. Maisy told me."
Rex: "She did?"
Bree (whispering): "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I’m going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?"
Rex: "Bree-"
Bree: "And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you, to hurt as much is as humanly possible. I’m so glad you didn’t die before I got a chance to tell you that."
She leaves the room.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle opens the false panel Carlos told her about and finds the passport along with papers.
"Trust is a fragile thing..."
Gabrielle opens the passport and reads it.
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Lynette's House
Lynette: "Bye guys!"
The boys all call good bye to her and Lynette leaves them with Claire.
"Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Building
Bree walks down a hallway.
"But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover."
Bree stops in front of a closed door. She takes a deep breath, and goes inside. She closes the door. On the glass reads "SOLOMON, MILLER & HAAS
FAMILY LAW".
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Susan's House
Susan walks into Julie's room. Julie looks at her briefly, but then returns to reading without saying anything.
"Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Paul's House
Paul takes out the garbage, and looks over at Mrs. Huber’s house, where Edie is standing next to a police officer who is banging on the door.
Officer: "Police, open up!"
"And total strangers can come to our rescue."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle sits on the edge of the bed, looking at a roaring fire in the fireplace.
"In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."
Gabrielle throws Carlos’s passport onto the fire, where it immediately starts to burn.
~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.11 - Move On
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrooke
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Karl Mayer" - Richard Burgi
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Claire" - Marla Sokoloff
"Mr. Hartley" - Shawn Doyle
"Detective Copeland" - Conor O'Farrell
"Mickey Gibbs" - Phil Reeves
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Yao Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Julie's Friend #1" - Chelsea Colwell
"Pianist" - David Manning
"Julie's Friend #2" - Ashley Rose Orr
"Police Officer" - Robert Dolan
"Head Volunteer" - Kyle T. Heffner
"Sarahs" - Tara Karsian
"Woman" - Gwen McGee
Written by: David Schulner
Directed by: John David Coles
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Edie Britt stands next to her car, looking thoughtful.
"Edie Britt could never understand why she didn't have any female friends. Of course, she always tried to tell people she didn't need any, but the truth was, it bothered Edie that other women didn't seem to like her. Even after moving to Wisteria Lane, Edie couldn't understand why her neighbors kept their distance."
Flashback to when Edie moved in. She tells one of the movers to be careful, then waves at Susan, Bree, Gabrielle, and Lynette who are sitting on Susan's porch, watching the move-in. They all wave, but when Edie turns away, they whisper to each other.
"And then she met Martha Huber."
Mrs. Huber: "Hola!"
Mrs. Huber comes up to Edie, smiling and carrying a covered dish of food. She hands it to Edie, who takes it, smiling.
"Within five minutes, Mrs. Huber managed to disparage what Edie was wearing. In fact, whenever they got together, Mrs. Huber insulted her. She made fun of everything from Edie's makeup to her taste in men."
Edie and Mrs. Huber walk down the street as an attractive male jogger jogs past them. Edie turns to watch him go past her and Mrs. Huber pinches her on the arm.
"Yes, Martha Huber could be cruel, offensive, and downright mean. But Edie didn't care, because she was the first real friend Edie Britt had ever had. But now Martha Huber was missing. She had vanished without a trace, and Edie was not embarrassed to admit, she needed her back. "
A cab pulls up and Edie shakes off her flashback as she walks to the side of it, where the door opens. A woman gets out of the cab.
Felicia: "Edie?"
Edie: "Yes."
Felicia: "I'm Felicia Tilman. Martha's sister."
Edie: "Really!"
Felicia: "What's wrong?"
Edie: "Oh nothing's wrong, it's just that Martha always said how alike you two were. I just don't see the family resemblance."
Felicia: "It's there. It just takes a while to become apparent. Do you have the key to her house?"
Edie: "I do. After the police kicked the door in, they put on this temporary lock. Oh, and by the way, the neighbors are coming over at noon. We're going to organize and hand out fliers."
Felicia: "The key?"
Edie: "Oh right. You know, I can only imagine how worried you must be."
Felicia: "I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I had a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level, and a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister. And when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well, that's when I knew she was dead."
Edie: "Oh, honey, no! You mustn't think like that! Martha's only missing!"
Felicia: "No, Edie, she's dead. But she's my sister, and I'm going to find out exactly what happened to her."
Edie: "Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing."
Felicia: "Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place."
"It was in that moment that Edie finally saw the family resemblance."
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Credits
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Outside Mrs. Huber's House
"Mrs. Huber was missing. The words echoed down Wisteria Lane until every last resident was aware of her disappearance. By noon, dozens of neighbors had gathered. Some came to volunteer, some came in sympathy, and some, came to learn exactly what the police knew and what they didn't."
While neighbors pass out fliers amongst each other, Paul stands off to the side, looking down at the flier that reveals Martha is missing.
A man in a suit takes a flier from the pile and turns to the group of neighbors standing in Mrs. Huber's yard.
Man: "So I'll need you to pass out fliers. Put them in the mall, the park, anywhere you think Mrs. Huber might have been seen. We need to jump on this; time is of the essence. Edie, would you like to say something?"
Edie: "On behalf of Martha, and her sister Felicia, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today. You know, my last conversation with Martha was one of anger. And I'll never forgive myself for the things that I said. I lay awake at night thinking about it."
She starts sobbing and turns to cry on the shoulder of the man in the suit.
Lynette: "I don't know how she did it, but Edie managed to make this all about her."
Gabrielle: "She's a talented girl, our Edie."
Susan: "Has anybody talked to Bree? How's Rex doing?"
Lynette: "She's bringing him home from the hospital today."
Susan: "Well, I don't know how he had a heart attack. He was so young."
Gabrielle: "Hey, how creepy is Mrs. Huber's sister?"
Lynette: "I know. The way she was talking about Mrs. Huber, it was like she was already dead."
Gabrielle: "You don't think she is..."
Susan: "Oh no, I'm sure she's fine. We're talking about Mrs. Huber. She's like a roach!"
The women walk off and Paul walks up to Felicia.
Paul: "I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return."
Felicia: "Oh, I seriously doubt that."
She turns and walks off.
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Rex's Hospital Room
Looking through the window of Rex's hospital room, a nurse can be seen checking his heartbeat with a stethoscope. Outside the room are Bree, Danielle, and Andrew.
Danielle: "What do you mean, you're not taking care of him?"
Andrew: "Dad's being released today. He's got to have a place to recuperate."
Bree: "Well, then he can go to a motel because he's not allowed back in my house."
Danielle: "I thought you two were getting along. What happened?"
Bree: "That's - between your father and me."
Andrew: "You're so selfish. You know, I'm so looking forward to the day I get to put you in a nursing home."
Bree: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Andrew, but my plan is to have an embolism and to die young!"
Andrew: "Yeah, well we're all rooting for you, but you might not be so lucky!"
Bree: "Andrew!"
Andrew: "You want to see how long I can hold a grudge? Go ahead and abandon my father, because I promise you, you'll be sorry."
Bree: "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what -"
Andrew: "Knew what? Well come on, tell me! Because I'd love to know what my father did that was so awful!"
Bree: "Fine. I will see him through this, but after that, your father can rot in hell for all I care!"
She walks off.
Danielle: "We're not like other families, are we?"
Andrew: "No. We're not."
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos's lawyer, Mr. Hartley, and Gabrielle are in the living room while Yao Lin cleans around them.
Mr. Hartley: "Gabrielle, it's not my fault that your bank accounts are frozen."
Gabrielle: "I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just saying, fix it!"
Mr. Hartley: "Well, I wish I could, but the folks at the justice department aren't very sympathetic."
Gabrielle: "I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed."
Yao Lin: "Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly."
Gabrielle: "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?"
Yao Lin leaves the room.
Gabrielle: "I'm just so angry with Carlos. What was he thinking, exporting goods made from slave labor? Why couldn't he have embezzled like other white collar criminals?"
Mr. Hartley: "All the justice department wants is to make sure that Carlos doesn't skip the country. Now, if he is released on bail, I can argue that he needs money to live on, and they'll probably unfreeze one of the smaller accounts."
Gabrielle: "But they won't release him on bail until they get the passport."
Mr. Hartley: "Exactly. You haven't found that yet, have you?"
"Gabrielle wanted her old lifestyle back, no question, but she wanted Carlos to suffer for his betrayal even more. "
Flashback to Gabrielle looking at Carlos's passport in her hands before throwing it into the fire.
Gabrielle: "I'm still searching."
Mr. Hartley: "Well, in that case, you might want to think about looking for a job."
Yao Lin (walking by): "Hah!"
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Susan's House
Susan and Mike are in the kitchen together.
Susan: "So, I had a really good time."
Mike: "I bet you did."
The doorbell rings. Susan takes a moment to run her hand down Mike's back, ending on his buttocks and giving them a squeeze before going to answer the door.
Susan: "Gotcha."
Mike turns and gives her a happy sheepish grin.
Susan answers the door and it's Karl.
Karl: "Hey, is this a bad time?"
Susan: "For you? Of course it is."
Karl: "That's cute. Tax stuff. I need your signature."
Susan: "We've been divorced over a year."
Karl: "2003."
Karl walks in.
Susan: "Well, please. Just come on in. Uh, Mike, I don't think you've officially met my ex, Karl Mayer."
Mike: "Oh hey! Mike Delfino."
Karl: "Right. Plumber."
Mike gives Karl a look before turning to Susan.
Mike: "Yeah, I don't have the right washer for this faucet, so I'm just going to go across the street and get it."
Susan laughs as he brushes against her, then walks to the door, closing it behind him.
Karl: "So he seems okay."
Susan: "Yeah, he is. So what do you want me to sign? Oh, I see."
Karl: "By the way, Julie told me about her birthday plans."
Susan: "Yeah, we're going to a restaurant downtown. A guy who plays piano and an open mike. Julie got a bunch of her girlfriends together, so we're just going to make a night of it."
Karl: "Julie loves to sing. It sounds nice."
Susan: "Here you are."
Karl: "All righty."
Susan: "Give my best to Brandi."
Karl: "Actually, um, we're not together anymore."
Susan: "You're not? What happened?"
Karl: "I caught her in bed with another guy. Go ahead. Do your happy dance. You deserve it."
Susan: "No, no really, I'm, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am."
Karl leans forward and gives Susan a hug, and holds on.
Susan: "Uh..."
Karl: "It's just really hard for me right now. Thanks."
Mike walks back in and sees them. Susan motions to Mike, makes the hand sign of the phone, and then silently mouths the words 慶all me.' He walks back out, closing the door quietly behind him.
Karl finally lets Susan go.
Susan: "Uh, try ripping up old photos. It helps."
Karl: "Well, have fun this weekend. Let me know how the party goes."
Susan: "Karl, do you want to join us?"
Karl makes a series of hand gestures that indicate he's at first going to refuse, but then he walks back over to Susan and gives her another hug.
Karl: "Oh Susan, you're the best."
Susan: "Oh, well..." (small squeal) "I am the best, aren't I."
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom lie in bed. Lynette looks over a list she's made of things to do, written on the back of the Missing Mrs. Huber flier.
She turns to Tom.
Lynette: "You know, if we're going to buy a water heater, we should talk about it. We could go to the mall tomorrow. They're having a sale."
Tom: "Could we talk about this tomorrow?"
Lynette: "Well, I'm just trying to plan my day."
Tom: "Please honey, I'm so tired."
Lynette: "Okay."
She takes off her glasses and turns off the light.
Lynette: "Hon?"
Tom: "Huh?"
Lynette: "Did you set up the coffee maker?"
Tom: "Oh. No. Uh, you know, I'll do it in the morning. I promise I'll get up early and do it."
Lynette: "Tom..."
Tom: "Oh..."
Lynette: "Tom...Come on."
He gets up.
Lynette: "Thanks."
Tom: "Yeah."
Downstairs in the darkened laundry room off of the kitchen, Claire puts clothing in the washer. She takes off her socks, looks down at her robe, notices a stain, and then, after looking around, removes the robe. She quickly throws it in with the other clothes, starts the washer, then quickly jogs through the kitchen, her arms crossed across her chest.
Tom comes down the stairs, stopping abruptly when he sees Claire.
Tom: "Claire?"
Claire gasps, then quickly turns around so her back is to him.
Tom: "Um, um, I'm, uh. Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were up."
Claire: "Yeah, I, I, I thought you were sleeping. I--I was just going upstairs. Do you want me to make the coffee."
Tom: "Yeah! Yeah, that'd be great! I'm just gonna, um, go back up to my room."
Claire: "Okay"
Tom: "Good night."
Claire: "Good night."
Tom returns to the bedroom, smiling.
Lynette: "Just so you know, if we go to the mall, we can go to the shoe store. You said you wanted new running shoes."
Tom gets in bed and leans over her. Lynette looks at him.
Lynette: "What?"
She turns and looks into puppy dog eyes filled with intention.
Lynette: "Oh."
She giggles. He moves in closer, and then she rolls over on top of him as they kiss.
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The Next Morning
"The next morning while the search for Martha Huber continued, Lynette discovered a little family secret. One she wasn't even looking for. "
Claire comes down the stairs and looks around before heading into the kitchen.
Lynette: "Good morning."
Claire: "Good morning."
Lynette: "Want some coffee?"
Claire: "Uh, yeah, thanks! I didn't want to come down until Tom left for work. Still a little embarrassed."
Lynette: "About what?"
Claire: "Oh, he didn't tell you? Well actually, it's kind of funny. Um, I was doing some laundry, and I noticed that the robe I was wearing had some baby food on it, so I threw it in, figuring I could dash upstairs while everyone was asleep. And then I ran into Tom, while I was totally naked."
Lynette: "So, Claire, when did this incident occur?"
Claire: "I don't know. It was pretty late. I think he might have come down to make coffee or something."
Lynette: "You don't say."
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Modeling Agency
The modeling agent, Mr. Gibbs, flips through a book of Gabrielle's work.
Mr. Gibbs: "Wow! Wow! Wow! Well this is certainly impressive. I can definitely get you work as a model. But you do realize it's different from the runway work you did in New York and Milan."
Gabrielle: "Of course. I made ten thousand dollars a day. I don't expect to, to make that here."
She glances up at a poster on the wall, which sports the slogan: "Try the beer that's #1 among mermaids."
Mr. Gibbs: "That's good. Because you won't."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. So what do you got?"
Mr. Gibbs: "Well, there is something. Uh, they need a model to demonstrate the new Buick Lacrosse, at the Fairview Mall. It's just going to be you and the car on a revolving platform. Three hundred bucks for the day."
Gabrielle: "Uh, what else do you have?"
Mr. Gibbs: "Sure, um, ooh. Can you swing a sword? Sci-fi convention needs someone to dress up as a warrior princess."
Gabrielle: "A warrior princess? Mr. Gibbs. I am a professional model. Look at this bone structure. This face is a cash cow, and if you don't have the vision to take advantage of that, then maybe I'm at the wrong agency."
Mr. Gibbs: "Hey, look, honey. I'm the only modeling agent in a hundred mile radius. I book women for boat shows and garden tool expose and if you don't like it, move back to the city."
Gabrielle: "This, um, Buick thing. Does it include lunch?"
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Bree's House
Bree sets a tray of food down next to the couch where Rex is lying. He sits up, breathing heavily from exertion.
Rex: "Just so you know, I really am grateful for everything you're doing for me."
Bree: "Oh, I don't need your gratitude. You're only here because your children are master extortionists."
Rex: "So you didn't tell them about..."
Bree: "Your adultery? No. I decided to keep that little gem all to myself."
Bree begins cleaning up around the living room.
Rex: "Listen, I know this is a real imposition."
Bree: "Yes, it is. The doctor said you could be here for weeks."
Rex: "Would it make you feel any better if I told you I'm sorry for what I did?"
Bree: "Yes it would...if I still felt anything for you. But as it stands, the place you used to occupy in my heart is very much empty now."
Rex: "You must still feel something for me."
Bree: "And why do you think that?"
Rex: "Oh come on, Bree, look at this. You're using the good china, freshly pressed napkins, flowers from the garden. This tray was prepared with loving care."
Bree: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection."
She stalks out, taking the small vase with a flower in it off of the tray with her.
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Susan's House, nighttime
Susan kisses Mike on the bed. She glances over at her nightstand and sees the missing fliers for Mrs. Huber lying there.
Susan: "Hold on a sec."
She turns them upside down.
Susan: "Okay, now I'm good."
Mike: (chuckles)
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "You're just - God, I love you."
Susan: "Oh! Well, that's great!"
Mike: "Um. Wait. Wait. That just kind of popped out."
Susan: "No, No! It's fine. It just kind of caught me off guard. I mean, I want to say it back."
Mike: "Yeah, but you're not ready. It's okay."
Susan: "You're not mad, are you?
Mike: "No! God! We haven't been dating that long, and you've got other issues. Forget it."
Susan: "Good."
He rolls her over so he's on top and they kiss again.
Susan (pulling away): "Issues? What kind of issues do you think I have?"
Mike: "You know, I retract my earlier statement. I no longer love you. In fact, I just think of you as a really good buddy."
Susan: "No. No, no, no. You obviously think you have some insight into my soul, so please, go ahead, dazzle me."
Mike: "Your divorce left you hurt and vulnerable."
Susan: "Big insight. The postman knows that."
Mike: "And there's a chance you might still have feelings for your ex."
Susan: "What? I loathe Karl, and the postman will back me up on that, too."
Mike: "I'm sure part of you does hate him, but, you know, maybe part of you is still hung up on him."
Susan: "Where are you getting this?"
Mike: "Well, he broke up with the woman he left you for, and what was the first thing you did? You hugged him and invited him to a party."
Susan: "Okay, the analysis part of this evening is now over."
Mike: "Hey, you asked."
Susan: "Well, you know what? You're going to come to Julie's party tomorrow night, and you're gonna see Karl and I together, and you're going to understand once and for all that I have no feelings for him whatsoever."
Mike: "Actually, I have tickets for a basketball game tomorrow night."
Susan: "Actually, you're coming to the party tomorrow. And that's the end of it."
Mike (to himself): "That is what I get for saying 慖 love you'."
Susan: "What?"
Mike deflects the question by taking a drink from a glass of wine.
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Pharmacy
Bree steps up to the counter.
Bree: "Hello, George."
George: "Mrs. Van de Kamp. You're looking lovely today."
Bree: "You always say the nicest things."
George: Well, it's, uh, it's true."
Bree: "Listen, I have a prescription here for Rex. I don't know if you heard, but he had a heart attack."
George: "I had no idea. Is he okay?"
Bree: "Oh yes, he'll, he'll live. But the doctor said he's at risk for something called pericarditis. Do you know anything about that?"
George: "It's an inflammation of the membrane that surrounds the heart. It will take a few months to make sure it doesn't develop, but he'll need constant care.
Bree: "So I hear."
She gives him the prescription and he leaves the counter to go fill it.
"As the word's 慍onstant Care' echoed in her head, Bree caught a sickening glimpse into her future."
A man coughs behind Bree and she turns to see an old man sitting in a wheelchair with an old woman helping him sit more comfortably.
Bree watches them, looking uncomfortable.
George: "Okay. Here we go."
"Which prompted her to seek an old-fashioned remedy."
Bree: "George? Would you go out to dinner with me?"
George: "Um, you mean, like a date?"
Bree: "Yes, I think it would be fun."
George: "What about your husband?"
Bree: "Oh, him. Well, we're separated."
George smiles and Bree smiles back.
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Outside
"In spite of Mrs. Huber's disappearance, life on Wisteria Lane started to return to normal. Until an intriguing discovery was made on a dirt road next to the interstate."
A policeman finds Mrs. Huber's car abandoned by the woods. He opens it and looks in the glove department, finding the car registration. He calls in to Dispatch.
Policeman: "This is Officer Burton. I have an abandoned vehicle registered to a missing person, one Martha Huber. Please advice."
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Later
A crowd of neighbors are gathered in the woods to search for Mrs. Huber. A table has been set up for food and coffee.
"As news spread of this mysterious development, everyone in the neighborhood decided to band together, to show their support, and to look for clues. Or worse. "
Bree: "I'm keeping my eyes on the horizon. Please tell me if I'm about to step on a body part."
Lynette: "It's a search and rescue, not recovery. We don't know if she's dead."
Susan: "Yeah, people fake their own abductions all the time."
Bree: "Can we talk about something else - something less depressing?"
Susan: "Well, here's something. Mike told me he loved me."
Lynette and Bree both gasp.
Lynette: "Oh my god!"
Mrs. Greenberg: "Over here! They found the body!"
Lynette: "No, no! I'm sorry! False alarm. We didn't find a body. Uh, Susan just had some really good news. Sorry."
Distant voice of a man: "Oh, it's nothing. False alarm"
Edie: "Well, doesn't that figure. Susan always finds a way to make it about her."
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Fairview Mall
A Buick rotates slowly on a platform while Gabrielle stands in front of it in a blue evening gown, talking into a microphone.
Gabrielle: "Ladies and Gentlemen. I present to you the fabulous Buick Lacrosse."
Microphone feedback. Annoyed, Gabrielle turns to the woman handling the audio. She makes a quick adjustment then given Gabrielle a thumbs-up.
Gabrielle: "It, uh, it has an excellently crafted interior, peaceful quiet tuning, and ultrasonic rear parking assist. Observe the remote activation feature."
She pushes a button and the car starts. She then sees Lynette and Tom riding down the escalator.
Gabrielle: "Uh, and it also has a lot of other exciting good, cool car things."
She tries to run around to the other side of the turntable, but her dress gets caught.
The audio girl, Sarah, watches her. Tom and Lynette get off of the escalator and see Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: "Tom! Lynette! What are you doing here?"
Tom: "We're buying a new water heater. Um, how 'bout you?"
Gabrielle: "Just doing a little shopping, trying to get my mind off things."
Sarah: "Hey Gabby, you need help, it looks like you're stuck here."
Gabrielle: "Uh! I guess I am."
Sarah: "No worries, I got it."
Gabrielle: "I guess I got too close to the turn table. I'm a sucker for these Buicks."
Sarah (to the dress): "Come on, you bastard!"
Gabrielle: "You know, with their perfectly crafted interior, and peaceful, quiet tuning."
Lynette: "Uh-huh. A little formal for the mall."
Gabrielle: "Oh, uh, you know, I wanted to match the shoes to the dress. This is, uh, Sarah, my shopping buddy. We like to hit the boutiques together."
Lynette: "Okay. Well, you gals, um, shop your little hearts out. See you later."
Gabrielle "Bye."
They walk off. Sarah waves after them and Gabrielle sighs irritably.
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Bree's House
Bree comes down the stairs, dressed in a red dress, with her hair styled up.
Rex: "Wow. Look at you! You going out?"
Bree: "Not that it's any of your business, but, I have a date."
Rex: "A date. What kind of date?"
Bree: "Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor says any undue stress could cause another heart attack."
Rex gives up and turns his back to her.
Bree: "It's a romantic date with a single attractive man, and I intend to french the hell out of him."
The doorbell rings.
Bree: "Oh, right on time!"
She goes to answer the door and Rex watches from the couch.
George: "Hi."
Bree: "Hi,"
George (hands her a small bouquet of flowers): "In my spare time I garden. I thought you might like these."
Bree: "Oh, my, they're exquisite. Compost and eggshells?"
George: "Yes!"
Bree: "Oh! Come on in. George, you remember Rex?"
Rex smiles and waves his hand from where he's sitting. George's step falters.
George: "I thought you said you were separated."
Bree: "Oh we are, emotionally. Physically, he just lives here because his mistress refuses to care for him. Would you like a drink?"
George: "Uh no, I'm fine. Thanks."
Bree: "Rex, say hello to George!"
Rex: "Hello, George!"
George: "Hello, Dr. Van de Kamp."
Bree: "I'm going to go put these in water. George, why don't you have a seat, and I'll be right back."
George sits down on the other end of the couch.
George: "So, uh, how's your heart, Dr. Van de Kamp?"
Rex: "Better. How's the pharmacy?"
George: "Busy. It's busy."
Rex bursts out laughing.
George: "Something funny?"
Rex: "It's, it's nothing. You see, I, uh, recently engaged in some extracurricular activity, and now Bree's doing anything she can to make me suffer. All you can do is laugh."
George: "Yeah, uh, I guess."
Bree comes back in and sets the flowers in the vase next to Rex.
Bree: "Oh, these flowers are stunning. They're the best ones I've ever gotten."
She smiles down at Rex, who turns and smiles at George.
Bree: "Ah. Shall we?"
George: "It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp."
Rex: "Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!"
Bree turns abruptly to glare at him, then turns her back and she and George leave.
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Fairview Mall
Lynette and Tom get back on the escalator, bags in hand.
Lynette: "That sales girl that sold us the water heater - she had a cute figure."
Tom: "Yeah, I guess. I didn't notice."
Lynette: "Oh how can you say, she was so your type, big breasts, really curvy."
Tom: "What are you doing?"
Lynette: "Nothing. I'm just saying you prefer women that are really curvy, like that sales girl or Claire."
Tom: "There's only one type that I prefer." He kisses her cheek. "You."
Lynette: "Aww....You kiss as though that would end this conversation, and it so won't."
Tom: "Why am I trouble, I haven't done anything wrong."
Lynette: "The only reason you made love to me the other night was because you had just seen Claire naked."
Tom: "Wha-? Aw, crap."
Later, in the van, Tom and Lynette continue the conversation. Lynette is driving.
Tom: "Claire is a great nanny. It would be stupid to lose her over something like this."
Lynette: "You and I have had crushes before. We always tell each other. We laugh about it. It's no big deal. What worries me about this is you're denying you're obviously attracted. Why?"
Tom: "I'm not denying anything."
Lynette: "Oh, so you are attracted to her."
Tom: "I didn't say that."
Lynette puts on the brakes and suddenly stops the van. They are blocking the line of cars wanting to leave the parking garage of the mall.
Tom: "What are you doing?"
Lynette: "We are not going anywhere until you confess you have the hots for our nanny. Tom, it's okay. She's attractive. Men by nature are drawn to fertile young women with whom them can plant their seed."
We see the lady in the car behind them get out and walk to them.
Lynette: "It's the basic flaw of your gender. I get it. Just do me the honor of-"
The woman stands outside of their car. Lynette notices her rolls the window down, staring at the lady on the other side.
Woman: "Uh, we'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?"
Lynette: "My husband won't admit that he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?"
The woman holds up her hand in a 慖 give up' gesture and walks back to her car. Lynette rolls up the window.
Tom: "Lynette. Claire is attractive, yes. But I am not attracted to her. Look, if I thought for even a second that there was any danger in having Claire around, I'd be the first to get rid of her. It's you! You're the one! You always have been and you always will be."
They kiss. Horns start honking behind them.
Lynette (laughing): "All right, hold your water."
They drive off.
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Karaoke Restaurant
Julie and two of her friends stand on the stage, singing. They finish and Susan, Mike, Karl, and two more of Julie's friends clap.
Susan: "Yay! Oh, you guys were fantastic."
Julie: "Thank you. Um, they've got a dance floor upstairs and we're going to go check it out."
Susan: "Okay, have fun."
Edie enters the restaurant.
Karl: "Edie! Over here!"
Susan: "What the hell is she doing here?"
Karl: "Well, I don't get to bring a date? I heard you were bringing him."
Susan: "Of all people, you picked that tired piece of - Edie!"
Edie: "Hi Susan! Oh, thanks for the invite. God knows I needed something to get my mind off poor Martha. A kiss, for the birthday boy."
They kiss, with Edie dragging it out.
Susan: "Uh, Edie, it's not his birthday."
Edie: "Oh! Oh!"
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Outside Bree's House
Bree and George are in George's car, which is parked outside of Bree's house.
Bree: "Thank you, George. That was a lovely evening."
George: "The pleasure was mine. There is nothing better than great conversation with a beautiful woman over a delicious meal."
Bree: "Well, I guess I should go inside."
George: "I'm glad we did this."
Bree: "Me, too."
They lean over to kiss, but stop when there is knocking on the glass of the car window.
Bree: "Andrew, where did you come from?"
Andrew: "I was just on my way back from Brian's house. What's going on here?"
Bree: "Oh, uh, you remember Mr. Williams, our pharmacist?"
George: "Hey, there."
Andrew: "How's it going? What are you doing in his car?"
Bree: "Well, we're just, um, talking. Mr. Williams took me out to dinner."
Andrew: "You mean like on a date?"
Bree: "Well, um...."
She gets out of the car.
Bree: "Yes."
Andrew (to George): "You are aware that she's married, right?"
Bree: "Andrew, your father and I are separated and you know it."
Andrew: "I don't care. Couldn't you at least wait until he was out of the house?"
Bree: "The only reason he is still in the house is because you insisted I care for him."
Andrew: "So, so what do you guys intend to do now?" (to George) "Are you two going to have sex?"
Bree: "No, we are not going to have sex!"
Andrew: "What? Why not?"
Bree: "Because I don't commit adultery like your father." (long pause) "That's right. Your father had an affair. I found out about it, and I'm just trying to move on with my life."
Andrew (to George): "You should watch out for her. She's a liar."
Andrew stomps off.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle stands in her living room, sorting bills on the floor and making notes on a legal pad.
"In spite of her mounting debt, Gabrielle was determined to prove she could get along just fine without Carlos' money."
The power suddenly goes out.
"It wasn't until the electricity went out that she finally began to see the light."
She goes over to her cell phone and dials a number.
Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley. It's Gabrielle Solis. I need you to start working on releasing Carlos on bail. Mm hmm. I just remembered where I put his passport."
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Karaoke Restaurant
Edie (singing): "I took the sweet life, never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet. I spent my life exploring, the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free, hey lady, I've been to paradise..."
The piano player throws in an extemporaneous passage, and Edie pauses.
Mike has his arm around Susan and she turns her face, kisses his cheek, then nuzzles the side of his face lightly with her nose.
Edie: "...but I've never been to me..."
Karl watches them, then turns back to watching Edie on the stage.
Whistling and clapping. Karl gives her a standing ovation, then twirls her around when she comes off of the stage.
Edie: "Oh, thank you!"
Karl: "Damn woman, you were good! All right, you're next, Suzie-Q. Whatcha gonna sing?"
Edie: "Yes."
Mike: "You sing?"
Susan: "Only when I'm alone."
Karl: "Come on, we're among friends."
Susan: "I don't think so."
Mike: "Well, I, for one, would like to hear your voice."
Karl: "Give it up, plumber. She's not budging."
Susan: "You want to hear me sing?"
Susan reaches forward and takes Mike's chin with her hand.
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "Okay."
She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.
Mike: "What's it going to be? I'll tell the piano player."
Susan: "New York, New York."
Edie: "Oh, I'm so excited to hear you. Oh, but doesn't it just figure..."
Susan: "What do you mean?"
Edie: "You have to get up in front of a room full of people dressed like that."
Susan looks down at herself and laughs.
Edie: "I hope they don't turn on you."
Susan: "I think I'll take my chances...sort of like you did--on those high notes."
Edie does a fake laugh, then turns to Karl.
Edie: "I'm going to go get us two more."
Karl: "That's a great idea."
Edie leaves.
Karl: "So that Mike; he seems pretty even keeled."
Susan: "Yeah. He's a great guy."
Karl: "But you know, I mean, he's a little--Buster Brown. Don't you ever worry you'll gonna get bored?"
Susan: "Thanks for your concern, Karl, I'm fine."
Karl: "Go figure. Even though our marriage was crazy at times, it never got dull."
Susan: "Yeah, that part when you slept with your secretary was really exciting."
Karl: "I know, how many times do I have to hear it? It was a mistake. But don't I ever get credit for the thirteen loyal years beforehand?"
Edie: "You must not be counting the Henderson's Christmas party."
Karl: "Edie, not now."
Edie: "Oh, what's the big deal, Karl. Your marriage is history anyway."
Karl: "Edie..."
Edie: "It was nothing, really. Basically we both got plastered on eggnog, and we found ourselves standing under the, uh, mistletoe..."
Karl: "Edie..."
Edie: "And we were like, okay, what do we do now? So I smiled, and he smiled, and then Karl reached over, and started feeling me up!"
Edie playfully slaps Karl on the arm.
Karl: "Susie, that's not how it happened!"
Mike: "All right, Susan, you're up."
Susan: "What?"
Karl: "Hey Susie, it's so silly...Susie."
The piano player begins playing the opening notes to "New York, New York" as Mike pushes Susan up to the stage.
Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Susan Mayer!"
Susan gets up on stage and turns to look back at their table.
Susan (singing): "Start spreading the news...I'm leaving today...I wanna be a part of it, New York! New York! These vagabond shoes..." (speaking) "You're an ass, you know that?"
The piano stops playing.
Susan (to the piano player): "No keep playing!" (singing) "Are longing to stray... there's a word no, right? And get around the heart of it, New York! New York! I want to..." (speaking) "Just tell you that the affair was one thing, I mean, I forgave you, because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties..." (singing) "Top of the heap..."
Karl gets up to walk out.
Susan: "Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God as my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell, before I ever feel sorry for you again!"
There's a long pause.
Susan (singing): "New York!"
The piano plays a few chords in conclusion.
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Wisteria Lane, nighttime
"As the police interviewed the residents of Wisteria Lane about the mysterious disappearance of Martha Huber, my husband, Paul, reasoned it would only be a matter of time before their digging would begin to yield answers."
Paul stands next to his car, holding a bag of groceries, as he watches the police interview his neighbor.
Later, he walks purposefully into the woods where he buried Martha Huber. He digs her up and removes some jewelry from her body.
"Since he knew the police had no suspects, he decided to point them to the most logical candidate."
Paul walks up to a house and slowly, straining, pulls open the garage door.
"You see, if there's one thing that Paul understood about the suburbs, it was this:"
Paul walks into the garage. His flashlight shines over the workbench. He opens a drawer and places the jewelry in the back.
"No one's more suspicious than a new neighbor who's just moved in. "
Away from the garage, the camera pans to the mailbox of the house that Paul is out. The mailbox reads: "Delfino"
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Claire clean up dishes from the kitchen table while Tom sits at the table.
Lynette: "Parker's getting sniffily."
Claire: "Yeah, I noticed that, too. I hope he's not coming down with a cold. "
Lynette: "He doesn't have a cough yet, but he sort of has this post-nasal drip thing happening. "
Claire: "Oh, I'll make an appointment for him. I always say it is better to be safe than sorry. Little kids get sick and it's-" (to Tom as she cleans around him) "sorry - out of control."
Tom's gaze becomes unfocused as he stares at the silver cross swinging back and forth between Claire's chest as she cleans and talks. Lynette notices his where his gaze is at and turns to look at Tom pointedly. Tom looks at Lynette. Lynette looks at Claire then back at Tom.
Tom: "Um, um, Claire? We have to make some changes."
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Outside Bree's House
Bree walks on the path to the garage, holding a large box. Andrew follows behind her.
Andrew: "What are you doing?"
Bree: "I'm packing up your father's things for when he eventually moves out."
Andrew: "Here. Let me help you. Look, I, I talked to dad, and it turns out you were telling the truth."
Bree: "Andrew, I'm so sorry that I said anything."
Andrew: "I know. I'm glad you did. Now I know."
Bree: "There comes this point in every boy's life..."
Andrew: "What? When he finds out his dad is screwing around?"
Bree: "No. That his father's only human."
Andrew: "So, why are you taking care of him? Is it because of what Danielle and I said? Because you can forget that. I'll help you take his stuff on the street if you want."
Bree: "That's sweet, but I'm taking care of him because it's the right thing to do."
Andrew: "Why are you being such a pushover? I mean, he cheated on you. He's a jerk!"
Bree: "Andrew, you will not speak that way about your father in front of me."
Andrew: "Why the hell not? I mean, for once, I'm actually on your side!"
Bree: "Yes, I'm angry with him. I am going to divorce him. I may even marry someone else, but make no mistake about it, your father is, and always will be, the love of my life. He gave me the best eighteen-year marriage that I could have ever hoped for. For that, you will respect him."
Andrew: "Okay."
They walk back inside, arm and arm. Off to the side, unseen, stands Rex.
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Susan's House
Karl knocks on the door and Susan answers.
Susan: "What is it? I'm really, really busy."
Karl: "I came by to apologize."
Susan: "Oh, well, in that case, come on in. I'm not doing anything."
Karl: "I can't believe Edie brought the whole thing up. Susan, I, I am so sorry. I thought I was done hurting you."
Susan: "Yeah, me too. And just so you know, I'm sorry for flipping out. I shouldn't let you get to me like that."
Karl chuckles.
Susan: "What?"
Karl: "I do still get to you, don't I? That's the difference between the plumber and me. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's a good guy, and I like him. But I'm betting that you two don't have what we had together. There was always a spark between us."
Susan: "A spark?"
Karl: "Look, what I'm trying to say is, he must seem really safe, after me."
Susan: "A moray eel would seem safe after you."
Karl (laughing): "That's what I'm telling you about. That great back and forth, joking around. We used to argue and push each other's buttons."
Susan: "News flash! I hated all of that!"
Karl: "Come on, you have to admit, when it was good, it was the best."
Susan: "What are you saying?"
Karl: "Let's give this another shot."
Susan: "You want me back?"
Karl: "Yeah. Yeah. I realize now, that you were the woman that was meant for me."
Susan: "Wow. Just so we're clear. You want to move back in here and be faithful to me and love me with all your heart and soul?
Karl: "Absolutely."
Susan: "Oh my god. This is so wonderful!"
Karl: "I know. I know. I want to kiss you."
Susan: "Oh god, no. Karl, um, no, what I meant by wonderful was that I wondered inside if I still had feelings for you, if deep down I still loved you..."
Karl: "And?"
Susan: "And, there's nothing there."
Karl: "Come on, you got to feel something..."
Susan: "Well, actually, I do, yeah. Excuse me!"
She runs out of the house all cheery, throws the towel she was carrying up in the air, and runs over to Mike's house. She knocks on the door.
Mike: "Susan."
Susan: "Mike, guess what? I love you!"
Mike: "Are you sure?"
Susan: "Yes!"
They kiss. Then she looks over his shoulder and sees the two policemen in his house.
Susan: "Did I come at a bad time?"
Mike: "Um, they're just asking some questions about Mrs. Huber."
Susan (to the police): "I love him. You can write that in your little book."
Mike chuckles.
The police officer holds up his book and smiles. The other raises his eyebrows.
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Outside
Focus in on a stack of Mrs. Huber Missing fliers. The wind begins to pick up, blowing the fliers all over.
"We are all searching for someone. That special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. Someone who can offer companionship..."
At Bree's house, Bree is on the phone in her living room.
Bree: "George, hi, it's me, Bree. I was wondering, are you free next Saturday?"
On the other side of the room, in plain view, Rex stands there and shakes his head slightly.
Bree: "You are? Oh, that's wonderful."
"...or assistance..."
At Lynette's home, Lynette is on the phone with the phone book in front of her. Faintly, the sounds of her children screaming upstairs can be heard.
Lynette: "Hi, I understand your agency handles nannies. Uh, I need someone experienced and preferably unattractive."
On the other side of the kitchen, Tom sips from a cup of coffee and briefly closes his eyes in resignation.
"...or security..."
In Gabrielle's house, Gabrielle is on the phone.
Gabrielle: "Hi, honey. Did the lawyer tell you the good news? You're gonna make bail. I found your passport."
The burnt passport lies on the table.
"And sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us..."
Susan sits outside her house, on her portable phone.
Susan: "Well, I just called to say hi, and I love you!"
"...with all three."
Mike stands in his open doorway of his house, smiling as he holds the phone to his ear.
Mike: "All right, right. Enough already."
In the woods the next day, a jogger and his dog run through the woods. The dog veers off to the left and the jogger follows.
"Yes, we are all searching for someone."
His dog stops and begins digging in the ground.
"And if we can't find them, we can only pray..."
The dog continues digging.
"...they find us."
Jogger: "Whatcha got, boy?"
He moves aside some dirt, revealing the swollen, grotesquely-colored hand of Mrs. Huber, lying in the dirt.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.12 - Every Day A Little Death
Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Noah" - Bob Gunton
"Detective Copeland" - Conor O'Farrell
"Lauren" - Erin Matthews
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Callie" - Bari Hochwald
"Crime Scene Policeman" - Michael Patrick McGill
Written by: Chris Black
Directed by: David Grossman
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"Martha Huber waited her whole life for something to happen to her, something exciting. As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates. As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had flown by, and still, nothing exciting had ever happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered. "
Flashback to the night when Mrs. Huber was murdered by Paul.
Paul: "Hello, Mrs. Huber."
Martha: "Paul!"
Paul: "Let me give you a hand."
Martha: "That’s really not necessary."
Paul: "I insist."
"In those last moments, it occurred to her, in addition to being boring, life could also be very cruel."
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Woods, daytime
A man holds a missing person's flier showing Mrs. Huber. As the camera backs away, we see it's a policeman holding the flier. He walks over to where crime scene tape has been placed around where Mrs. Huber's body was found. Dozens of officials are around the scene, doing their job in removing the body.
"Luckily for Mrs. Huber, death was far more merciful. "
Officer Jackson: "What do you think?"
Police chief: "That’s our missing woman, all right."
Channel 15 KQRY Eyewitness News van pulls up.
Police Chief: "Aw, geez, it didn't take the media long to get wind of this. Make sure no one contaminates my crime scene."
He leaves. The policeman looks at the flier in his hand then down at Mrs. Huber lying in the dirt.
Officer Jackson: "Hey, little lady. A lot of people are looking for you, you know that? Your face is gonna be on the front page of every paper in this state. How’s that for exciting?"
"Officer Jackson couldn't be sure, but for a brief moment, he thought he saw the corpse of Martha Huber, smile."
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Credits
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A police car pulls up in front of Mrs. Huber's house.
"Death had come once again to Wisteria Lane."
A policeman gets out of the car and walks over to Felicia Tilman, who's watering the lawn.
Police Chief: "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. We found your sister’s body."
Felicia drops the hose and takes a step back.
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Outside Susan's House
"Word of the tragedy would soon spread throughout the neighborhood. But for now, people went about their lives as they always did, blissfully unaware."
Susan comes out of her house and walks across the street to Mike's house, where she opens the door and walks in.
Susan: "Hello, anybody home?"
Mike’s voice: "In the kitchen."
Susan: "Good news. I finished my book, so I thought to celebrate, you could take me out to lunch."
She stops in front of Mike, then sees Edie behind him, standing in the kitchen. Edie brushes past her.
Edie: "Hey, Susan."
Mike: "Uh, could we do a rain check? Edie and I are just looking over the plans to rebuild her house."
Edie: "My insurance company is finally cutting my check next week, and there’s only one plumber I want. So don't expect to see this guy for a few months. I'm gonna be riding him hard."
Susan: "Well, if anyone can go the distance, he can. I should know."
She giggles and then kisses Mike. She then looks over at Edie and grabs at Mike to share a long passionate kiss with him.
Edie: "Uh, Mike?"
Mike glances at her, still lip-locked with Susan, as they turn slightly.
Edie: "Mike? We're on the clock."
Edie's cell phone rings. She picks it up.
Edie: "Hey Felicia, what’s up?"
Her face saddens.
Mike: "Edie?"
Edie: "They found Martha."
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Gym
Lynette, holding on to Penny, puts a Kleenex over Parker’s nose.
Lynette: "Here, blow. Good, all right. Come on, it’s going to be fun. Follow me."
They walk up to the front desk, where there is a sign-in roster. All of the spaces are filled, but Lynette adds her name at the bottom anyway.
The woman behind the desk, Lauren, stops her.
Lauren: "Excuse me. You can't do that."
Lynette: "I'm here for the 10 a.m. yoga meditation class."
Lauren: "Unfortunately, the day care center is full."
Lynette: "Yeah, I noticed that, but every time I come here, it’s full."
Lauren: "It’s a popular class, and the other moms come early. Look, all I can tell you is plan ahead next time."
Lynette: "Uh, Lauren? I'm a mother of four. Today I had to get up at five, make lunches, make breakfast, drop the twins off at school, and get across town lugging a baby and a sick child. Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings. And it’s things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy, that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up here, and I can't get in, and you tell me to plan ahead. It’s a vicious cycle. See how that works?"
Lauren: "I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I'd have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?"
Lynette: "I hope someday, you have lots of children."
Her cell phone rings and she picks it up.
Lynette: "Hello? Oh, hey Susan. Listen, I can't talk, I'm in the middle of something here. What?"
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Outside Bree's House
A car pulls up to Bree's house. George gets out of the car and opens the door for Bree, who gets out.
George: "I had a wonderful time today."
Bree: "Thank you. I did too."
George walks back around the car to the trunk and Bree glances up at the 2nd-story window. She slams her car door, still looking up at the window.
Bree: "Sorry I can't invite you in for coffee."
George: "Oh, I get it. Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward."
Bree: "Yeah, and I would rather cut off my hand than hurt his feelings."
She slams down the trunk and looks up at the window again.
Bree: "It'll, um, it'll be a lot easier once he gets well enough to move out."
George: "Do you want to have lunch tomorrow?"
Bree notices the curtain move, and knows Rex is watching. She gasps, and then leans forward and gives George a hug.
Bree: "I'd love to."
George: "Okay. Wow!"
Bree: "Pick me up at one and we'll do something fun."
George: "See you then."
Bree: "Oh, packages! Thank you."
George, who had forgot he was holding them, hands them to her.
Bree’s cell phone rings.
Bree: "Hello! Oh, hi Lynette! What?"
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Two men with 慤.S. Marshall? written on the backs of their jackets help a shackled Carlos out of the car.
Gabrielle comes out the front door carrying a bottle of champagne and two glasses.
Gabrielle: "Hi, honey! Welcome home!"
Still handcuffed, Carlos gives Gabrielle a small wave as one of the men unlocks the handcuffs.
Inside the house, Carlos walks the men to the door.
Carlos: "Thanks, guys. Take it easy."
The U.S. Marshalls walk out and he shuts the door behind them.
Gabrielle: "Come on, honey, let’s celebrate! Sorry it’s the cheap stuff. I had to economize. Now that you're back, we can restock the wine cellar. Let’s toast."
They kiss.
Carlos: "Very good to be back"
Gabrielle: "What’s that?"
She sees a blinking device sitting in the living room.
Carlos lifts up his foot and shows her another device attached to his ankle.
Carlos: "It transmits to this. My electronic monitoring device. didn't the lawyer tell you?"
Gabrielle: "Tell me what?"
Carlos: "I'm on house arrest. It's a condition of my bail."
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, he neglected to tell me that."
Carlos: "Yeah, if I move more than a hundred feet from that telephone, an alarm sounds. If I keep going, it transmits a signal to the FBI, and I'm back in jail."
Gabrielle: "But, how are you gonna work?"
Carlos: "I can't. I can't do anything."
Gabrielle: "Uh, no! No, no! That’s unreasonable. What do they expect us to do for money?"
Carlos: "The lawyer's working on unfreezing the accounts. In the meantime, I mean, haven't you been working modeling jobs?"
Gabrielle: "Carlos, this is not like New York where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture. I'm doing boat shows. I spend eight hours a day doing this!"
She poses, but with a sarcastic grimace on her face.
Carlos: "I'd buy two boats from you." (laughs) "Come on."
He hands her one of the glasses.
Carlos: "Where’s my toast?"
They clink glasses.
Gabrielle (in a weary voice): "Welcome home."
She swallows the champagne and grimaces.
The phone rings.
Gabrielle: "Hello. Hi Bree. What?"
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Martha Huber's House
The police chief who came to tell Felicia of Mrs. Huber's death is sitting in the living room with Felicia. They get up and start walking to the door.
Police Chief: "If you find anything in your sister’s belongings that might shed some light on her death, um, letters or a date book, please, call me immediately."
Felicia: "I believe she did keep a diary of something. I'll look around for it."
They see a group of people standing outside on the sidewalk.
Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details."
Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support."
Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want."
She continues to smile, wickedly, and then steps forward.
Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death."
The crowd is shocked.
Felicia: "Yes, I know. It’s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks."
She smiles and walks inside the house.
Susan, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree all have looks of disbelief on their faces.
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Outside, Early Morning
"By the next morning, everyone on Wisteria Lane was aware of Martha Huber’s demise, with no exceptions."
One of Lynette’s children is drawing a picture of stick figures that shows a smiling woman with purple lips lying down, and two police officers in blue uniforms and huge yellow badges.
Lynette: "Okay, boys."
Twin: "Hey, mom."
Lynette: "You see this gum? If you promise to be quiet while I am downstairs playing cards, it’s all yours. Deal?"
All three children: "Yeah!"
Lynette: "Yeah, okay. That’s what I like to hear."
She hands them the gum and they grab for it.
Downstairs, Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are sitting around the table with the cards.
Bree: "I mean, what are the odds? First Mary Alice and then Mrs. Huber? I mean, it’s shocking."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but this is different. Someone was actually murdered on our street."
Lynette: "I remember talking to her right before she disappeared."
Susan: "You did? What'd you talk about?"
Lynette: "Oh, actually, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in."
Bree: "I'm gonna miss her."
The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it.
Lynette: "Edie!"
Edie: "Hi."
Lynette: "Hi. Come on in."
Edie: "Oh, you're all here."
Lynette: "Yeah. Tuesday’s poker day."
Edie: "Really."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Edie: "Oh, you know, I love poker."
Everyone suddenly looks down at their cards.
Edie (slight laugh): "Okay, then. Well, here’s the deal. Since the Ice Queen isn't doing anything to memorialize her sister, I have decided to carry Martha’s ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them myself. It's where her husband proposed."
Lynette: "That’s so sweet."
Edie: "I know. So, I thought that some of the neighbors could caravan up there, and we'd have a little ceremony. I've printed out maps if anyone needs one, and the dress is semi-formal."
Gabrielle: "You know, Edie, I'd love to go, but, um, I just got back into modeling, you know, just for fun, and I have a gig tomorrow. I can't leave 'em hanging."
Lynette: "I wish I would have known earlier. I would have arranged a sitter."
Bree: "Darn, I have to take Rex to his angiogram."
Edie: "Hmmm." (looking at Susan) "Well, Mayer, what’s your excuse?"
Susan: "I'm just, you know, busy. Stuff."
Edie: "Well, your friends are much better liars."
She takes the map she had handed them earlier and stalks out, slamming the door behind her.
Later, Lynette walks into a bedroom upstairs where the boys are.
Lynette: "Okay, Mommy’s friends are gone now and you can - "
Porter and Preston are standing behind Parker, who is smiling. His hair is standing up all over, obviously with gum in it.
Lynette exhales.
Later...
Lynette has Parker in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet seat as she tries to comb through the gum.
Parker: "Ow! Ow!"
Lynette: "Well yeah, I know it hurts, but that’s what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair. Pain and misery."
Parker: "Are you mad at me?"
Lynette: "Yes! Yes! I am mad at you."
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well mommies are the same way. We need our down time, and if we don't get it - "
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "- sorry, we end saying and doing things which we don't normally do."
Parker: "Ow!"
Lynette: "And it’s frustrating for me too, Cause I do want to be the best mommy I can be."
Parker: "I think you're the best mommy in the world."
Lynette: "Oh. That’s sweet of you, but it's not exactly true."
She goes to the cabinet and removes an electric razor. She turns it on and Parker hangs his head.
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Park
Bree and George sit in the park on the ground, a picnic spread out around them.
Bree: "I was so afraid when I suggested a picnic, that you'd make fun of me, but I just think it’s such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon."
George: "Well, as it happens, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy."
Bree: "Oh, and we got so lucky with the weather, it’s just absolutely - "
George reaches forward and put his hand on her hand on her leg. She smiles at him. He smiles at her. She pulls her hand back.
Bree: "You know, your lunch hour is almost up. We should probably be getting you back to the pharmacy."
George: "Wait. I've had such a good time, these last few days, I just want to show my appreciation."
Bree: "Another gift? I hope it’s not another orchid, they're so expensive."
George: "Relax, this didn't cost me a dime."
He puts a box in front of her.
Bree opens the box, exhales, puts her hand to her mouth.
Bree: "George, you shouldn't have."
Bree reaches down and pulls a pistol out of the box.
Bree: "This is a 9-mm Luger PO8!"
George: "The moment you said you were in the NRA, I knew I wanted to give it to you."
Bree: "I can't accept this, George! This is an antique. It’s too valuable."
George: "It’s okay. My grandfather gave it to me. It was surrendered to him by a soldier during World War II. Since I don't know how to shoot..."
Bree: "It’s so lovely. I mean, look at the handle. Is that mother of pearl?"
George: "I think so. Only the officer’s models had that. Do you really like it?"
Bree: "Oh, absolutely. George, this is just so much better than an orchid."
Bree raises the gun and looks down the line of sight. George puts his hand on her thigh. This time she reaches down and clasps his hand, squeezing it.
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Outside, Nighttime
Susan walks over to Mrs. Huber's house, where Felicia is carrying boxes to the curb.
Susan: "Hi. Mrs. Mayer. I saw you from across the street. I thought you might need a hand."
Felicia: "No, thanks."
Susan: "I, I'm sorry for what happened. It must be really hard, not knowing who did it, or why. You must feel helpless."
Felicia: "A bit. I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight."
Susan: "Journals?"
Felicia: "Yes, Martha kept them for years."
Susan: "Oh. So, she must have written a lot of things in them?"
Felicia: "Every mundane detail of her life. And everyone else’s, for that matter. The police want to see them, but I'm stalling them 'til I have a chance to read through them first myself. wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out."
Susan: "That’s smart, that, that’s good."
Felicia turns away.
Susan: "That’s good to hear."
She turns and leaves.
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Susan's House
Susan paces in the kitchen.
Susan: "I am so screwed."
Julie: "Mom, calm down."
Susan: "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is gonna be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist."
Julie: "It may not be as bad as it looks."
Susan: "What, you think there’s a chance Mrs. Huber didn't write about it in the journal?"
Julie: "Please. It’s great dirt. I even put it in my journal. you're gonna have to get to Mrs. Britt and come clean. Convince her it was an accident. If she doesn't press charges, the police will probably just let it go."
Susan: "Are you high? Edie hates me."
Julie: "That’s why you're gonna grovel at her feet and beg forgiveness."
Susan stares at Julie.
Julie: "That’s right. you're gonna have to suck up to Edie Britt."
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Mike's House, the following day
Mike pulls his car into the driveway.
When he walks up his porch, he finds the front door ajar. He walks in, looks around quickly and carefully, then strides to the kitchen, finds the cabinets open, and sees that the money, maps and notes are gone.
The red light on the answering machine is blinking.
The voice of Mr. Shaw, the mysterious ominous old man from the park, begins speaking from the machine.
Mr. Shaw: "Hey Mike, as you probably see by now, I took back my money and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's going to need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry about the mess."
Furious, Mike’s hand sweeps across the table where the machine is sitting. Papers fly everywhere.
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Gym
Lynette walks into the Yoga center with Penny and Parker. Parker wears a baseball cap.
Lynette: "We're here! Woo! Ten minutes early! Sign me up?"
Lauren: "You just missed the rush, sorry."
Lynette: "No! No! I, I planned ahead."
Parker takes off his hat and scratches his shaved head.
Lynette: "We're, we're ten minutes early."
Parker coughs.
Lauren: "Oh my god!"
Lynette: "What?"
Lauren: "When you said you had a sick child, I had no idea. How long has it been?"
Lynette looks at Parker. He looks down at the floor and coughs again.
Lynette: "Uh, it kind of snuck up on us."
Lauren: "He’s so young too. God, it just breaks my heart."
Lynette: "Oh."
She laughs.
Lynette: "No, you see, here’s the thing - "
Lauren: "You go ahead into class. I'll find room for your kids."
Lynette: "Okay."
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Construction site
Susan walks up to the site where Edie’s house will be built. Construction workers are there, working.
Susan: "Hey, Edie!"
Edie: "Susan."
Susan: "Boy, I gotta say, I envy you."
Edie: "In the name of God, why?"
Susan: "Well, you get to build your dream house, for free. I mean, in a weird way, your house burning down was really a good thing."
Edie: "There’s nothing good about it. I can't replace the memories, the photographs, the - is there something you want?"
Susan: "Okay, here’s the deal, Edie. I, I - "
Edie: "I, I, what? Spit it out already, I'm busy."
Susan: "I just wanted to see how you were holding up. You know, with Mrs. Huber and everything."
Edie: "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag. And nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes."
Susan: "I'll go with you, Edie."
Edie turns and looks at her.
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Gabrielle's House, nighttime
A tired Gabrielle, in a gold dress, walks into the house carrying a red and white striped bucket of fried chicken.
Gabrielle (wearily): "Hey."
Carlos: "Oh, thank God, I'm starving!"
Gabrielle: "Well, dig in. I am way too tired to eat."
Carlos catches her wrist as she walks by.
Carlos: "I'm sorry."
She sits on the couch and he massages her shoulders.
Carlos: "So, did you get to go by the hospital? Visit Mama?"
Gabrielle: "I worked ten hours today. I'll go by tomorrow. She doesn't even know when I'm there."
Carlos: "She’s gonna wake up soon, I know it."
He kisses her neck.
Carlos: "And you know what would make her really happy."
Gabrielle (gets up): "If you say, a grandchild, so help me God!"
Carlos: "Gabrielle, please!"
Gabrielle: "No, you promised, no babies!"
Carlos: "Things change!"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I know. The Feds towed away my Macerate. My husband is, is a felon, and I spend my days getting groped by fat tracker salesmen at trade shows. I am well aware things change!"
Carlos: "A baby is solid, a constant."
Gabrielle: "And who is going to be changing the diapers when you're pumping iron in a Federal prison, huh? I like my lifestyle, and I don't want you to kill it."
Carlos: "Well, look around, Gabrielle, it’s already dead. And there’s nothing you can control."
Gabrielle: "Maybe. But having a baby, that, I can control. You, I can control."
Carlos: "Hey, you can't talk to me like that. I'm still the man of this house."
Gabrielle: "Oh, really?"
She bends down and picks up the bucket of fried chicken.
Gabrielle: "The man of the house?"
She turns and walks toward the front door. She grabs a large white paper bag as she walks.
Carlos: "don't walk away from me! Hey, hey! My food?"
She walks out the front door.
Carlos: "Gabrielle, come back here right now!"
She hurries down the steps and down the sidewalk.
Gabrielle: "I wouldn't go too much farther, you're going to end up back in prison."
Carlos: "Damn it! Gabrielle! Get inside now!"
She sits down on the edge of the road on the other side of the street. She opens up the bucket of fried chicken.
Gabrielle: "Mmm."
Carlos: "Hey, I waited all day for that!"
Gabrielle: "Mmm, it’s perfect! Oh, mm, crispy and burnt on the outside but nice and steamy on the inside."
Carlos takes a few tentative steps forward and his ankle bracelet begins flashing and beeping.
Gabrielle: Uh, uh, uh! Mmmm. Mmmm. you're the man of the house? You can't even leave it!"
She holds up a piece of meat, dangling it over her open mouth, then drops it slowly into her mouth.
Carlos gives a beastly cry of indignation, turns around, clasps his hands on the back of his neck and stomps back into the house.
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Nighttime
A car pulls up near a barn. George and Bree get out. As George carries a bag of empty bottles, Bree sets them up on a fence post.
George: "I love this. It’s like a little adventure. I've never fired a gun before."
Bree: "The memory of this night will stay with you forever."
George: "Really?"
Bree: "Oh, yeah. You always remember your first time. God, I hope I brought enough bullets."
George: "You know, Bree, I can't tell you what these past few days have meant to me, finally getting out of the house and trying new things."
Bree: "Well, we sure have had some fun."
George: "No, no, it’s, it's more than that. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be lonely."
Bree: "Oh, George, that’s so sweet. Now come on, let’s go shoot something!"
Standing by the car, Bree holds the gun as she instructs George.
Bree: "Now before I fire a handgun, I like to go over a few of the basics just to make sure I'm ready. Okay? So, number one, a strong stance."
She points the gun in front of her, looking down the line of sight.
Bree: "Two, high hand grasp. Three, hard grip. Four, front sight. Five, release the safety, and then squeeze the trigger slowly."
George: "What’s a high hand grasp?"
Bree: "Here. Take the gun."
Bree gives it to him, then stands behind him to help him position himself. The car headlights shine on them. We see the fence and two bottles in the distance.
Bree: "Okay. Now when you're firing a semi-automatic, you want the web of your hand all the way up against the edge of the back strap."
George: "What is that perfume you're wearing?"
Bree: "Uh, I'm not wearing perfume."
George: "Are you sure? Because you smell amazing?"
Bree: "Oh, I was making macaroons before I left the house."
Bree: "Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?"
George (grinning): "I think so."
Bree:" Okay, now all you have to do is take a deep breath..."
George turns his head, looking at Bree, Bree is looking at the gun.
Bree: "...and squeeze the trigger."
George’s lips move toward’s Bree’s face and then he kisses her.
Bree (squeals): "George!"
The gun goes off and George falls to the ground, screaming and clutching his leg.
He lies on the ground, screaming with pain as Bree hovers over him.
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Hospital
Bree walks into George's hospital room carrying a tall white vase with beautiful flowers. George has a big cast on his leg. He stares up at the ceiling.
Bree: "Hey. Hi, George. I'm so sorry you lost your toe. The doctor said it’s your middle one so your balance shouldn't be affected. I mean, this really won't change your life one little bit. Please say something."
George: "I've always dreamed that before I died, I would get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. I finally get the chance, and I end up blowing off a toe. I'm not surprised. This type of thing always happens to me, you know. I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over, is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me."
George turns and looks at her for the first time.
George: "Why did you do that, Bree?"
Bree: "I was just caught off guard."
George: "But, we're dating. Why would it be so surprising I would try to kiss you?"
Bree: "I'm still married to Rex. I mean, we're not even legally separated yet."
George: "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever."
Bree: "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie."
George turns away from Bree and she walks out of the room.
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Gym
Lynette walks into the Yoga center pushing Penny in a stroller. Plenty of people are in the waiting area, and she accidentally bumps into one of them.
Lynette: "Hi, sorry."
She looks at the clock. 10:10 a.m.
"Lynette knew serious illness was not a matter to be treated lightly."
She reaches down and picks up Parker and puts him on her hip.
Parker: "What are you doing?"
Lynette: "I'm just picking up my sick poor little baby boy. All right, here."
She takes his hat off, to show his shaved head.
"But making her yoga class was a matter of life and death."
She works her way to the desk.
Lynette: "Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey Lauren! Hi. We had a really rough morning."
Lauren: "Don't give it another thought."
Lynette smiles.
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Outside, on a road
Edie’s car is by the side of the road. Susan rolls a tire to the trunk as Edie leans against the car.
Edie: "I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?"
Susan: "My junior year. How'd you know?"
Edie: "Girls like you were always cheerleaders. Clear skin. Honor Roll. Popular. In high school, I was the girl that hung out with the freaks at the loading dock. And smoked. Everyone hated us."
Susan: "Well, you know high school. Thank God we leave that behind!"
Edie: "See, I don't think we do."
Susan twists the torque wrench to tighten a lug nut on the tire.
Edie: "I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties, and you're still the perky cheerleader who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone’s eyes."
Susan (cautious): "What?"
Edie: "You came on this trip, paid for the gas, and look at you, you're changing this flat when you know I have auto club. You want something from me."
Susan: "I just know Mrs. Huber’s death’s been hard on you. I want to help."
Edie: "That’s a lie."
Susan: "Why would you think I was lying?"
Edie: "Because we're still in high school. The old rules apply. The cool kids only want to talk to the freaks when they need something. Now you're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want."
Susan: "Okay. Look, uh, I, I just haven't always treated you well, and I want to make amends."
Edie: "Hm. I still think you're full of crap. But we don't have time to debate this."
Susan puts the torque wrench in the trunk and Edie closes it.
Susan: "You know, for what it’s worth, I would have talked to you in high school."
Edie: "Of all the lies you told, that’s the worst."
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Mr. Shaw's House
Mike closes the door to his SUV, then climbs a small hill to a large white house, with a huge front porch. He turns the corner on the porch and sees Mr. Shaw sitting there.
Mr. Shaw: "Single malt?"
Mike stares at him.
Mr. Shaw: "Have a seat. Take a load off."
Mike: "I want it all back. My maps, pictures, my gun, and the money."
Mr. Shaw: "Oh, my money."
Mike: "You are never gonna get anybody who cares as much about finding Deirdre as I do!"
Mr. Shaw: "Why? Because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember? You saved yourself, found yourself a nice, safe wife, and you left my daughter to rot, so forgive me if I question your level of commitment."
Mike grabs him, spins him around, pushing him against one of the square porch pillars, and places his forearm against his throat. Still holding him there, he begins speaking.
Mike: "I need to do this! Why are you fighting me?"
Mr. Shaw: "Because you haven't been moving fast enough. And I'm running out of time."
Mike: "What do you mean?"
Mr. Shaw: "It seems I have a tumor. Apparently, it’s pressing on my brain."
Mike backs off.
Mr. Shaw: "I'm gonna die. And I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do."
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Gym
Lynette is talking to Lauren.
Lynette: "Ah. That was the best class ever. You can just terrific, thank you."
Lauren: "Oh Lynette, this is my friend Kelly."
Kelly: "Hi."
Lynette: "Hi!"
Lauren: "She wanted to meet Parker."
Lynette: "Oh really? Why?"
Kelly: "I'm a survivor. Breast cancer. About six years ago. Can I hug your son?"
Lynette: "Sure."
Kelly kneels down to eye level with Parker.
Kelly: "I know exactly what you're going through. But you're gonna be brave, okay? You are going to survive this, because you are a tough little soldier."
Kelly looks like she is about to cry, and then she hugs Parker. Parker turns and looks at Lynette.
Parker: "Mommy? Am I dying?"
Lynette glances first at Kelly, then at Lauren. She gets down on her knees, eye level with Parker. She makes a funny face with big eyes as she looks him in the eye.
Lynette: "No! you're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head."
Kelly: "You shaved his head?"
Parker: "Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair."
Lynette: "Sorry." (Starts walking away) "Excuse me."
"And just like that, Lynette realized the road to enlightenment and spiritual well being was now closed to her."
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Outside Bree's House
Bree gardens near her front steps when George, on a pair of crutches, comes up to her.
Bree: "Oh George! What - what a surprise!"
George: "See, I've been doing a lot of thinking, since we talked in the hospital. And - "
Bree: "And?"
George: "Bree, I don't care what we call it! We can call it dating, we can call it hanging out. Whatever it is, I just want to be with you. See, uh, I really need our friendship back."
Bree: "I don't think that would be wise."
George: "Why not?"
Bree: "Well, I mean, wouldn't you keep hoping that in time I would feel the same way about you as you feel about me?"
George: "Maybe."
Bree smiles ruefully and shakes her head slightly.
Bree: "Oh, George."
George: "I wish you wouldn't say 慜h, George?like that. Like I'm so pathetic for even thinking you could love me someday."
Bree: "I don't think you're pathetic. It’s just that...I can't."
George: "Aw, geez. Oh, geez!"
He turns and heads back to his car as fast as he can maneuver on the crutches.
Bree: "Oh George, please don't go!"
He hobbles away, faster and faster.
Bree: "Why can't we talk this over? George, I - "
She reaches out to stop him. He twists away when she touches him and he loses his balance, falling down the brick steps at the end of her front walk, and landing in a heap on the side walk.
Bree: "Oh my God! George, here."
She starts toward him to help him.
George (anguished): "Get away from me!"
Bree jumps back in alarm.
Bree: "You can lean on me."
George: "I don't need you! I don't need anybody!"
By now, he's picked himself up and he slowly makes his way around to the driver's side of the car.
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos lies on the bed while Gabrielle comes in from the closet, carrying her shoes. She sits on the bed to put the on.
Gabrielle: "You know honey, tonight's the last night of the boat show. We'll be able to spend some time together before that home and garden thing next week. Carlos."
Carlos: "I'm going to jail. And you're not gonna be here when I get back."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "It’s true. And I won't blame you."
Gabrielle: "don't talk like that. Everything is going to be fine. We're going to sort this mess out, and you're gonna be on top again."
Carlos: "Gabrielle, they could find me guilty on every charge. I could go to prison for five years. we'd probably have to sell the house, you'd have to keep working."
Gabrielle: "Okay, Carlos - "
Carlos: "If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?"
Gabrielle: "I promise."
She leans forward and kisses him on the lips.
Gabrielle: "I've gotta go."
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Torch Lake
Susan is rowing a boat to the middle of the lake while Edie sits with Mrs. Huber's ashes in her lap.
Edie: "This is far enough."
Susan: "Do you need help with the container?"
Edie: "No, I got it open. I'm good."
Edie looks up at the sky.
Susan: "So, what are you waiting for?"
Edie: "I just need a moment, okay?"
Susan: "Oh, of course, take your time."
Edie begins sobbing.
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Edie sobs: "Oh, I'm just so grateful."
Susan: "I know, I know. Mrs. Huber was a good friend to you."
She puts her hands on Edie's lap.
Edie: "I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you."
Susan: "Me?"
Edie: "Yeah, I've been such a bitch to you over the years, and here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes."
Susan: "Well, it’s, it's really no, no big deal."
Edie: "Yes, it is. You stepped up when nobody else would. And here I am, thinking you have an ulterior motive. God, Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bitch!"
Susan: "Well, Edie, you're not that bad, and, and, and believe me, I'm, I'm not that good."
Edie: "Oh, yes you are."
Susan: "Oh, please don't do this."
Edie: "Martha may be gone, but the good Lord above has shown me that I'm not alone."
Susan’s eyes look cautiously at the sky.
Edie: "I am so grateful that I still have a true friend."
Edie reaches out her hand. Susan takes it.
Edie: "Thank you, Susan."
Susan: "Edie, I burned your house down."
Edie: "Huh?"
Susan: "I was scared that you were sleeping with Mike, and so I let myself in, and I, I snuck around, I accidentally knocked a candle over, and the whole, just, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?"
Edie takes her hand back. Then, she throws Martha’s ashes in Susan’s face.
Edie: "Row me back. Now."
Susan coughs a plume of gray ash.
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Mr. Shaw's House
Mike and the Mr. Shaw are sitting on his porch.
Mike: "I'm sorry about before, shoving you, I didn't mean to."
Mr. Shaw laughs.
Mr. Shaw: "I'm not going to break. I'm sorry too, for questioning your commitment, your guts. I know better than that."
Mike: "Yeah, you should. I keep this with me, all the time. To remind me why I'm there."
He hands Mr. Shaw a wrinkled photograph of a young Mike with a beautiful woman.
Mr. Shaw: "If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead."
Mike: "We need to be sure before we do anything."
Mr. Shaw: "Well, when you're sure. I know I can trust you to take care of it. After all, you already killed for her once."
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos is vacuuming the house. Gabrielle comes down the stairs, blows him a kiss, and then walks out. Carlos waits till she's gone, then turns off the vacuum and goes over to the phone and dials a number.
Carlos: "Yes, is this the pharmacy? My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth control pills."
As he continues talking, it becomes a voiceover for what Carlos begins doing.
Carlos: "Great. she'll be very relieved. Can she get enough for several months? Yeah, that’s right, better safe than sorry. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?"
Carlos removes the pills from a prescription bag and very carefully, slits open the package. Then, he methodically replaces them with something else.
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Susan's House, outside
Edie’s car pulls up and stops outside Susan's house.
Susan: "Edie, please talk to me."
Edie looks away and says nothing.
Susan: "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, you can burn my house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt, I don't think it’s possible for me to suffer any more than I'm already suffering."
Edie: "Boy, I'd like to put that theory to the test."
Susan: "Well, whatever you want to do, Edie, just know that I'm sorry."
Susan gets out of the car and walks slowly up her walkway. Edie gets out of the car and leans against it to call out to Susan.
Edie: "I'm not going to the police."
Susan: "you're not?"
Edie: "No. The insurance company will just want to investigate, and it will delay my check."
Susan: "Thank you."
Edie: "But."
She closes her car door and walks around the car to meet Susan.
Edie: "There is something I want you to do for me."
Susan: "Of course, anything. Uh, you name it! What?"
Edie: "I want to be invited to your poker game."
Susan: "Our poker games?"
Edie: "I'm not saying that I'll go. And I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me. But, every once in a while, yeah! It'd be nice to be asked."
Susan: "Well, we meet on Tuesdays, and it’s potluck lunch. Everybody has to bring something."
Edie: "I'm not bringing anything."
Susan: "Oh, you don't have to. Well, this is good. Thank you. I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off of me."
Edie: "Hold it. I can't stand the thought of Martha’s ashes going down some sewer drain."
Susan: "Well, Edie, I, I have to clean up."
Edie: "Well, this is such a beautiful lawn. We could put her to rest right here!"
Susan: "On my front lawn?"
Edie: "Why not? She could spend all of eternity looking at her house, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. she'd like that. Stand over here, I'll hose you off."
Susan: "I don't think so."
Edie: "You owe me!"
Susan slowly walks onto the lawn.
Edie: "Martha, I'm gonna miss you."
Edie hoses her down.
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Mrs. Huber's House
Felicia is looking at a flier advertising the disappearance of Mrs. Martha Huber.
"Death is inevitable. It’s a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us."
Felicia crumples the flier and throws it away.
"Whether it is the thrill of romance..."
Carlos and Gabrielle are kissing on their couch, and he reclines her.
"The joy of raising a family..."
Lynette is trying to yoga, and three boys go running by, one bumps her.
"Or the anguish of great loss..."
Mike is looking at the photograph again.
"We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful."
Mr. Shaw is looking at a photograph of a young woman.
"But the sad fact is, not all lives have meaning."
We see George walk into his house. He turns on the TV and sits down in an easy chair, pulling a TV dinner towards him.
"Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines..."
The TV is showing a copy of the security recording from the pharmacy. It shows Bree making a purchase.
"...waiting for something to happen to them, before it’s too late."
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.13 - Your Fault
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Rodney Scavo" - Ryan O'Neal
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Bob Rowland" - Mark Harelik
"Helen Rowland" - Kathryn Harrold
"Lois McDaniel" - Karen Austin
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Rex's Lawyer" - Rob Brownstein
"Bree's Lawyer" - Bonnie Burroughs
Written by: Kevin Etten
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
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A car drives down Wisteria Lane. It pulls into Susan's driveway and we see that it's Susan. She looks over at Lynette's house, where Lynette is lecturing her boys on the front lawn.
Lynette: "...okay, your 30 seconds is up now. Get back here, get back here, get back here. I want the toys picked up. How many times do I have to tell you, pick up your toys! You want a spanking? Is that what you want?"
The boys shout back at her.
"There is a look that parents of well behaved children, give to the parents of the not so well behaved..."
Lynette: "Porter, don’t you dare look at me like that. I will wipe that smirk right off your face. And don’t think that I won’t..."
"A look that says you should learn to control your kids.?;
Lynette catches sight of Susan looking over at her and trails off.
"...after all, they’re your responsibility."
Lynette smiles and gives Susan an embarrassed shrug. Susan gets her groceries out of her car and walks to her front door.
"Of course, it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie. She always brought home straight A’s."
Flashback to a grinning Julie showing Susan her report card.
Susan (squeals): "Oh, you did it again!"
"She was helpful around the house."
Flashback to Julie pulling a Christmas tree out of the front door to the end of the driveway after Christmas.
"She was bright, affectionate, and considerate of others."
Julie sits on the curb, consoling the mailman, with mail strewn everywhere. Julie turns her head to look at Susan next to a turned over pink bicycle, with a letter caught in the spokes of the front wheel.
"To her mother’s way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child. Unfortunately, Susan was about to discover that no such creature existed."
Susan looks in the window of the door and sees Zach and Julie kissing. She opens the door.
Julie: "Mom!"
Susan: "What is going on here? Were you just kissing my daughter?"
Zach: "I...uh...a little."
Susan: "What are you thinking?"
Julie: "Mom, calm down."
Susan: "She’s only fourteen!"
Zach: "Yeah, I should, I should probably be going."
Susan: "You think?"
Susan hands Zach his glasses.
Zach: "See you Friday."
He leaves and Susan turns to Julie.
Susan: "What is he talking about? What’s happening on Friday?"
Julie: "He’s taking me to the school dance."
Susan: "Oh, no he’s not."
Julie: "Mom, I know you saw us kissing, but you’re got to chill now."
Susan: "Don’t tell me to chill, I have no intentions of chilling."
Julie: "Whatever. I’m taking out the trash."
Susan: "You’re not going, you’re going to stay here and talk about this."
Julie: "I’m not going to talk to you while you’re freaking out."
Susan: "Just so we’re clear, you are not allowed to see him anymore."
Susan follows Julie outside, still arguing with her, as Julie walks to the trash can.
"There is also a look that parents of not so well behaved children give to parents like Susan."
Julie: "Fine!"
She drops the trash on the ground next to the trash car and storms inside. Susan looks up and sees Lynette standing on her own lawn, watching.
"It says welcome to the club.?
Lynette tilts her head and gives a smile.
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Credits
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Outside Paul's House
"Suburbia is a place filled with responsible people trying to live responsible lives."
Paul is shown bringing in the trash, and then painting his fence.
"Of course, even the most responsible among us, has mistakes in their past."
Focus in on Gabrielle's house and Carlos inside, reading a magazine on the couch.
"Mistakes they’d like to forget. Mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them."
Gabrielle walks by the couch holding an open peanut butter jar with a spoon in it, then hears a car door slam. She looks out the window and sees the parents of John walking towards her house.
Gabrielle: "I’m gonna go get the mail."
Gabrielle quickly walks out of the house carrying the peanut butter.
Gabrielle: "Helen, uh, what are you doing here?"
Helen: "Hello, Gabrielle. I don’t believe you’re met my husband, Bob."
Gabrielle: "Hi! So nice to meet you."
She reaches out to shake his hand, and then holds it and starts dragging him along away from the windows in her house.
Bob Rowland: "Um, we, uh, came to talk to you about our son."
Gabrielle: "I haven’t seen John in weeks. He’s called and left messages, but I haven’t returned any. It’s over, I swear."
Helen Rowland: "We’re not here about that. We need you to do something for us."
Gabrielle: "Oh, okay."
Bob Rowland: "John surprised us last night when he announced he was turning down his college scholarship."
Helen Rowland: "Instead, he’s decided to expand his gardening business. Mow lawns full time."
Gabrielle: "Well, why, uh, why would he do that?"
Helen Rowland: "We don’t know why. Do you think we’d be talking to you if we did?"
Bob Rowland: "You’ll have to forgive my wife. She’s still upset over the whole, um..."
Helen Rowland: "Statutory rape thing."
Bob Rowland: "Helen!"
Gabrielle: "What do you want me to do?"
Bob Rowland: "He’s refusing to talk to us. If you could just convince him that he’s making a big mistake..."
Gabrielle: "John and I made a clean break. I think it’s best if we just keep our distance."
Bob Rowland: "Please. Last week he turned eighteen and moved out of the house. We’re stuck."
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. I, I’m so sorry, I just can’t handle this right now. I have my own personal things going on. My life is falling apart."
Helen Rowland: "I don’t care."
Bob Rowland: "Helen."
Helen Rowland: "We haven’t gone to the police about what you did. That can easily change."
Gabrielle: "I’ll see what I can do."
Helen Rowland: "Good."
They start to leave.
Bob Rowland: "So nice to meet you!"
Gabrielle gives an automatic smile. Helen clears her throat and glares at Bob, who follows her.
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Lynette's House
Lynette stands on a ladder that's propped against the side of the house up to the roof. The two twins stand on the sidewalk, looking up, watching her.
Lynette: "You can do this, all right? Just, just scootch down a few inches, and I’ll grab you."
Parker (sitting on the roof): "No, you’ll drop me!"
Lynette: "I'm not gonna drop you. I might strangle you for climbing up here in the first place. But drop you, no. Come on!"
The car that has just pulled up to the sidewalk honks its horn. A man climbs out of the car and walks toward Preston and Porter, who rush at him. He gives them big hugs as Tom gets out of the car.
Lynette: "Okay. Just wait."
She begins climbing down the ladder.
Tom: "Look who I found wandering around the airport!"
Lynette: "Hey, Rodney!"
Tom: "Is Parker back up on the roof?"
Lynette: "Yep."
Tom: "See if he can find that Frisbee while he’s up there."
Lynette: "Yeah, I’m gonna get right on that."
Rodney: "Oh! How’s my favorite girl?"
They hug.
Lynette: "I’m so happy to see you. It’s such a shame that Alison couldn’t make it."
Rodney: "Oh, just another business trip for the wandering salesman. She’d be bored to tears."
He looks up at the roof where Parker is sitting.
Rodney: "Hey, Parker! Come on, aren’t you going to give me a hug?"
Parker shakes his head no.
Rodney: "It’s grandpa!"
He holds open his arms.
Lynette: "Don’t take it personally. He’s scared to climb down."
Rodney: "Oh, can I give it a shot?"
Lynette: "Uh, yeah, sure, knock yourself out! Be careful."
Rodney climbs up the ladder.
Rodney: "Parker. I’re got a question for you. It’s only one, but it’s kinda an important question. A character defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?"
Parker: "Mm-hmm."
Rodney: "Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you’re not a little girl, are you?"
Lynette's expression changes like she can't believe what she's hearing.
Rodney: "I’m not looking at a little girly girl, am I?"
Rodney cocks his head and looks quizzically at Parker. Lynette cocks her head and her expression changes to disbelief.
A few minutes later, Rodney climbs down the ladder with Parker on his back.
Lynette: "Are you okay?"
Rodney, breathing hard with Parker on his back, jogs into the house as Tom comes out.
Tom (to Rodney): "Wow, you got him down!" (to Lynette) "How’d he do that?"
Lynette: "Sexism."
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Bree's House
Bree and Rex sit opposite each other at the dining room table. There are six lawyers at the table with them, three on each side.
Bree's Lawyer: "Let’s start off by addressing the division of assets."
Rex's Lawyer: "Well, we’re not prepared to discuss either the primary residence or the retirement plans at this time."
Bree's Lawyer: "Are you prepared to discuss the cars, the antiques?"
Rex's Lawyer: "I’d like to start by discussing the country club membership. Access to the facilities is integral to Dr. Van de Kamp’s medical practice here..."
Rex: "What are we doing here?"
Rex's Lawyer: "I’m sorry, Rex?"
Rex: "I'm talking to my wife. Surrounded by lawyers, dividing up our stuff? I don’t want this. I thought I did, but I don’t. Maybe we should talk this over before it’s too late. What do you say, Bree? Should we send the vultures home?"
There's a long pause as Bree looks at Rex. Then she turns to her lawyer.
Bree: "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis. And he hates buffets."
Bree's Lawyer: "Okay. If you'll turn to page two of our proposed settlement, you’ll find our prioritized list."
Rex's Lawyer: "Right."
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Paul's House
Paul sits down in a chair, smiling.
Paul: "They were kissing, huh?"
Susan: "Right at my kitchen table."
Paul: "You must have shocked the hell out of them."
He laughs.
Susan: "Well, I’m glad you can laugh about this."
Paul: "They’re just being kids."
Susan: "This is easy for you. You’re the father of the boy. I’m the mother of the girl. You know, if things get out of hand..."
In the next room, Zach comes quietly up to the closed door and listens.
Paul: "Now, what is it that you want from me?"
Susan: "Well, I want to know that I am not the only one who is worried about this, and I want to know that if the two of them are over here, that they are going to be supervised, and I really want you to stop looking at me like I’m crazy."
Paul: "The only reason I’m smiling is because it’s practically irrelevant. I’re sold the house."
Susan: "Really!"
Very quietly, Zach opens the door and peeks his head in.
Paul: "Mm-hmm. We’ll be moving at the end of the month."
Zach: "You sold the house?"
Paul: "Zach..."
Zach: "Why didn’t you tell me about this?"
Paul: "I wanted to wait until it was official."
Zach: "But you told me when I got back from Silvercrest that you’d reconsidered. You lied to me."
Paul: "I think you need to take your medicine."
Zach: "What, you think pumping me full of drugs is gonna keep me quiet?"
Paul: "Upstairs, now!"
Zach: "You don’t care about me, and you didn’t care about mom! You know what? I wish she had shot you instead!"
He leave the room.
Susan: "So you’re moving! We’re all going to miss you."
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Outside Lynette's House
Lynette drives her car into her driveway, talking to her kids.
Lynette: "In the future, checklist means is it in the car? not like, do you remember? okay?"
"The next morning, before Parker Scavo’s Little League game had even begun..."
Lynette stops the car and Parker runs out of the car. Lynette quickly follows.
Parker: "Okay!"
Lynette (to herself): "I’m not the one who forgot my mitt."
"...a major player was about to be tagged out."
They enter the house. Parker runs upstairs while Lynette walks through the living room. She stops suddenly when Rodney and a woman both peek their heads over the couch from where they were lying.
Lynette: "Hi."
Rodney: "Hi. I thought you guys were at practice."
Lynette: "Oh, Parker, um, forgot his catcher’s mitt."
Rodney: "Uh, Lynette, this is Lois McDaniel. She’s one of my major suppliers in the area. She’s a paper products manufacturer."
Lynette: "Oh."
Lynette goes around the couch to shake hands and trips over Lois's high heels, lying off to the side.
Lynette: "Uh, it’s nice to meet you."
Lois: "It’s nice to meet you, too. You have a lovely home."
Lynette: "Thank you."
Rodney: "Just working out, uh, some of these new contracts."
Lois turns towards Rodney as he talks and quickly buttons up parts of her blouse that were open. Regardless of having her back turned to Lynette, Lynette can tell what she's doing.
Rodney: "Hammering out some of the little things, the minor details, overhead, shipping costs."
Parker comes running into the room, holding a pair of stockings.
Parker: "Mommy, look what I found!"
Lois: "I’m sorry. These are mine. Thank you. They must have fallen out of my purse."
Lynette stares accusingly at Rodney while Lois puts them back in her purse.
Lynette: "Well, um, we don’t want to be late for the game. Nice to meet you!"
She herds Parker out, but not before glaring back at Rodney.
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Bree's House
Bree is cleaning up the kitchen, Rex walks in.
Rex: "Hey!"
Bree: "I’m not speaking to you."
Rex: "Didn’t like the settlement talks, huh?"
Bree: "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it."
Rex: "You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I’m vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!"
Bree: "Hardly? How about never!"
Rex: "I mean, fine. When I move out, I’m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. Pizza, spare ribs..."
Bree: "You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!"
Rex: "Isn’t divorce fun?"
Bree looks at her watch.
Bree: "It’s time for your heart medication."
Rex: "You know I meant what I said at that meeting. I will fire my lawyer tomorrow, just give me the word."
Bree: "Sweetie, I think it’s too late."
Rex: "Why?"
Bree: "Because you were unfaithful."
Rex: "But, if you could find a way to forgive me, if we could find a way to be happy, wouldn’t you want that?"
Bree (exhales): "You know what I really truly want? Revenge. I mean, if somehow we could level the playing field, then, um, maybe I could find a way to come back."
Rex (laughs): "So what does that mean? You want to have an affair?"
They look at each other. Bree doesn’t answer.
Rex: "Okay, uh, who are we talking about here? The dopey pharmacist?"
Bree: "Would that hurt you Rex? If I slept with another man?"
Rex: "It would devastate me."
They look at each other again. And then Bree hands him a glass of water.
Bree: "Here you go."
Rex: "Bree. You, you can’t possibly..."
Bree: "Rex. Time to take your medicine."
Rex quickly throws the pills in his mouth and then drinks from the glass of water, frowning, as he watches Bree walk out of the kitchen.
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Susan's House, Nighttime
Susan puts a tea kettle filled with water on the stove when the phone rings. She starts walking toward it when Julie shouts from upstairs.
Julie: "I’re got it!"
Susan hesitates, then picks up the phone.
Julie: "...she doesn’t hate you. My mom just worries."
Zach: "She thinks I’m crazy."
Julie’s voice: "No, she doesn’t. Well, maybe a little."
Zach: "You didn’t tell her what I told you, did you, about what happened to Dana?"
Julie: "Zach, I can keep a secret. I promise I will never tell her."
The tea kettle starts whistling.
Zach: "What’s that noise?"
Susan quickly hangs up the phone.
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Diner
Bree sitting alone in the diner. A waitress pours her coffee and walks away. George enters the diner, sees her, and pauses. He fingers a knife on the empty table he's passing by, then puts a smile on his face and walks up to her.
Bree: "Hi! Wha-What are you doing here?"
George: "I was walking outside, and I saw you in the window. I was surprised. I never thought of you as a diner person."
Bree: "I’m not. The coffee is just dreadful. Well, it’s late, and I needed to get out of the house, and it was the only place still open."
George: "I didn’t mean to interrupt."
He starts to walk away.
Bree: "George, would you like to join me for a dreadful cup of coffee?"
Later, Bree and George are both sitting in the booth, talking.
Bree: "It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the young Republicans where Rex gave a speech, and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself, and I told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty. He took me out to a diner, and we, uh, stayed up till two in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration. Ah. It was just--it was just such a magical night, and I knew, by the time he got me back to my dorm, that one day I was going to be Mrs. Rex Van de Kamp."
George: "Wow."
Bree: "And even now, you know, after the betrayal, I, I know that we’re supposed to be together. But I don’t know how I can be with someone I don't trust."
George: "So, what are you gonna do?"
Bree: "That I don’t know. What do you think I should do?"
George: "You’re asking me?"
Bree: "Oh, I should not have done that. I am..."
George: "No, no. It’s okay."
Bree: "No George, it’s not okay. It was insensitive. I know how you feel about me, and I..."
George: "Bree, I want to help."
Bree: "Thank you."
George: "So, does he love you?"
Bree: "Yes."
George: "Is he a good person?"
Bree: "Aside from the adultery, yes."
George: "Then it’s easy. If I could get a good person to love me, I would find a way to forgive them."
Bree: "You are such a special man, George Williams. And you deserve such a special woman."
George: "I think so."
Under the table, his hand clenches into a fist, squeezing hard on his pants.
Later, Bree arrives home and hangs up her coat. She looks over at the couch, where Rex is sleeping. She quietly goes up the stairs. On the couch, Rex lies on his side, his eyes open. Once Bree has left, he rolls over and looks at the clock. Almost 2 AM.
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Lynette's House
Rodney takes a bagel out of the toaster oven and tries to put butter on it quickly. As he's leaving the kitchen, he runs into Lynette and heaves a sigh.
Lynette: "Where are you going?"
Rodney: "Oh, I thought I’d just eat this in my room."
Lynette: "You know, the house isn’t that big, Rodney. You’re going to have to stop avoiding me."
Rodney: "Okay, okay. Lois isn’t a supplier."
Lynette (sarcastic emphasis): "Really..."
Rodney: "And I want to apologize. I, I thought you and the kids were going to be gone all afternoon. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
Lynette: "Well, for starters, you can wipe that disgusting smirk off your face."
Rodney: "Lynette!"
Lynette: "How could you do something like this to Alison?"
Rodney: "I don’t know. I don't know, it happens a little bit at a time. Years go by, the kids burn you out, I’m on the road so much, we just drifted apart. It’s complicated."
Lynette: "It’s not complicated. It’s completely irresponsible."
Rodney: "For years, I have stayed married to a woman that I don’t love because I made a vow to God. So don’t talk to me about responsibilities!"
Lynette: "But your take on this is you’re the victim?"
Rodney: "Oh, I can see that, uh, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree."
He picks up the bagel to leave.
Lynette: "We’re not done here."
Rodney: "Oh yeah, we are! Cause my sex life is my own business. Not yours. And there’s nothing you can do about it anyway."
Later...Rodney sits on the sidewalk next to a briefcase, a suitcase, and a luggage bag.
Tom drives by, pulls into the driveway, gets out, and walks over to him.
Tom: "Dad, what are you doing?"
Rodney: "I don’t want to talk about it."
Tom: "Talk about what? Does Lynette know you’re out here?"
Rodney: "Oh yeah, she knows. Could you drive me to the airport?"
Tom: "Wait here."
He goes inside.
We see two empty glasses on the counter as Tom walks in the house. Lynette fills them with scotch as Tom calls out to her.
Tom: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "Yeah..."
Tom: "Why is my dad sitting out on the curb?"
Lynette: "Because I kicked him out of the house."
Tom: "I see. You want to tell me why?"
Lynette: "Hold on. I made you a drink."
Tom: "Oh God, what did he do?"
Lynette: "Yesterday, I came home, and I walked in on your dad with a woman. He’s having an affair. I am so, so sorry. I know. Are you okay?"
She puts her hands on the sides of his face to console him. Tom pulls away and turns around.
Tom: "Yeah, um, I should go talk to him."
Lynette: "That’s it?"
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "I just, I expected a bigger reaction. I’re been sitting here with knots in my stomach."
Tom: "Okay, look, I never mentioned this before, because I knew how you’d react, but, um, I’m not that surprised by this. My father’s been having affairs for years."
Lynette: "You knew about this?"
Tom: "Yeah."
Lynette gasps.
Tom: "Kind of. I mean, it was mostly in the past. I mean, I didn’t know that he was still at it. I mean, I figured he was getting too old. In some strange way, I’m actually impressed, you know?"
Lynette: "Impressed? Impressed? I-Tom, please, please don’t tell me you’re all right with this!"
Tom: "I’m not! No! No! He should never have brought that woman over here!"
Lynette: "No, he should never have been with her in the first place!"
Tom: "I know, I know! But you know, that’s who he is, and I mean, it’s been going on for years. My mom’s made peace with it."
Lynette: "I seriously doubt that."
Tom: "Look, you know, there’s no point in talking about this. But, I’m going to go get my father, I’m going to bring him back in here, I’m going to put him in his room, and we can all just cool off."
Lynette: "That man is not coming back in this house."
Tom: "Yes, he is!"
Lynette: "No, he’s not."
Tom: "Lynette. He is my father. This is my house. You can’t tell me what to do."
Lynette cocks her head and looks at him.
Later...
Tom and Rodney sit on the curb together.
Rodney: "I say we go up there and kick the door down."
Tom: "Yeah, Dad, you do that. Let me know how that works out for you."
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John's Apartment
Gabrielle walks up to door 23 and knocks. A teenage boy opens it.
Gabrielle: "Hi, um, I don’t know if I have the right address. Does John Rowland live here?"
A few minutes later, John herds Gabrielle into his room and closes the door behind them.
John: "I’m really glad you came by. I was gonna call you again tomorrow."
Gabrielle: "Uh, yeah, I’m, I'm sorry I haven’t returned any of your calls."
John: "It’s okay. I’m just happy to see you. I heard about Mr. Solis. It sucks you had to take a job."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, you know me, I’ll survive."
John: "Come here."
He pulls her into an embrace. She hugs him, her hand on his back. When she pulls away, he goes to kiss her, and she pulls back further.
Gabrielle: "Oh, no. John. I, uh, I didn’t come here for that."
John: "What’s wrong?"
Gabrielle: "Well, I heard that you’re going full time with your gardening business. What happened to college?"
John: "I decided not to go."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
John: "Well, an opportunity has presented itself, and for me to take advantage of it, I need to start making money."
Gabrielle: "John, what opportunity is more important than college?"
John: "For the longest time, the only thing I had to offer you was my heart. Mr. Solis gave you security, and I couldn’t compete. But now, he can’t even offer you that. And I can. My business is taking off. I can take care of you. We can finally be together."
John gets up and gets something, and then turns around and gets on his knee. He opens up a small black velvet box with a ring.
John: "Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?"
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Susan's House
Julie opens up a jewelry box and takes out a pair of earrings. She turns to Susan, who's standing in the doorway.
Julie: "Please. Why else would you want to chaperone the dance?"
Susan: "Mrs. Van de Kamp needed volunteers. She begged me."
Julie: "You’re so transparent."
Susan: "Anyway, you won’t even know I’m there."
Julie looks at her.
Susan: "Well, not too much. Julie, you know you can tell me anything, right?"
Julie: "Yeah, mom."
Susan: "So if you had a problem, or some sort of secret was weighing on you..."
Julie: "Of course! I tell you everything."
She turns away.
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Paul's House
Zach puts on a tie while looking into a mirror. Paul is behind him.
Zach: "You know, I can’t believe you’re just uprooting us like this."
Paul: "We need a fresh start. Here."
Paul helps Zach with his tie.
Paul: "You want to get it about like this."
Zach: "So many bad things have happened around here. Finally I have someone I can talk to. It’s like you want to take that away."
Paul: "You mean Julie?"
Zach: "Yeah."
Paul: "What bad things do you talk to her about? Do you talk to her about your mother?
Zach: "Yeah, and other stuff."
Paul: "Like what?"
No answer.
Paul: "Zach, like what?"
Zach: "Dad, this is what I’re been trying to talk to you about. Okay, ever since mom died, I’re, I've started to remember things. Just quick flashes, from when I was little."
Paul: "Nice and taut like this. What kind of things?"
Zach: "Lots of blood. Mom screaming. And Dana."
Paul's hands still while fixing Zach's tie.
Zach: "I remember killing Dana."
Paul: "You told this to Julie?"
Zach: "I trust her."
Paul: "Did she tell her mother?"
Zach: "I don’t know."
Paul: "Start from the beginning. I want you to tell me everything that you told Julie."
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High School Gym
Students are dancing to the music. Zach walks through the crowd with a corsage in his hand. He finds Julie and walks up to her.
Julie: "Hey! What’s that?"
Zach: "Oh, well, I was going to give it to you, but I saw that the other girls weren’t wearing flowers. I guess it’s not that kind of dance. If you don’t want to stand out, I’d understand."
Julie: "I like standing out."
She holds out her wrist and Paul puts the flowers on her. They smile at each other.
At the punch table, Bree sways to the music as she pours punch. Susan stands next to her, watching Paul.
Susan: "What’s Paul doing here?"
Bree: "Oh, he’s chaperoning. He called a couple of hours ago and volunteered."
Susan: "Really?"
Bree: "Why, what’s wrong?"
Susan: "Well, the other day he could have cared less about Julie and Zach dating, and now, all of a sudden, he shows up at the dance?"
Bree: "Maybe he’s just trying to be supportive."
Susan: "Maybe."
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Pharmacy
Rex walks up to the counter. George gives him a big smile.
George: "Dr. Van de Kamp."
Rex: "Hello, George. My cardiologist phoned in a prescription."
George: "Oh, right, right. I’re got it here somewhere."
He turns around and begins searching through the prescriptions behind him.
Rex: "So, have you seen Bree lately?"
George: "Yeah, I ran into her last night at the diner on Maple Avenue. We had a nice talk."
Rex: "That’s all you did? Just talk?"
George: "We’re just friends, Dr. Van de Kamp. Nothing more."
Rex: "That’s good to hear. You know, if you ever do get a vibe from Bree that’s she’s interested in more than just friendship, I’d be careful if I were you."
George: "Excuse me?"
Rex: "I just want you to know that she’d only be using you to even the score with me. Don’t fall for it."
George: "Bree would never do anything like that. She’s a lady."
Rex: "Exactly. A very beautiful, classy lady. Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists."
George: "Bree is very beautiful, and very classy, but she’s not very perceptive. For instance, she thinks you’re a good person, and it is now very clear to me you aren’t."
Rex: "I’d like my prescription now, George."
George rifles through the bags in front of him, stopping when he sees the right one.
George: "I can’t seem to find it. I guess I’ll have to have it delivered."
Rex: "Thank you."
George: "No, thank you."
Rex leaves and George rips open the bag, opens the bottle, and throws the pills in the trash.
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High School Gym
The song "Dust in the Wind" is playing. Paul walks around the gym. Susan pours punch for a student when Paul walks up to her.
Susan: "Paul."
Paul: "Did you notice? They’re playing a classic."
Susan: "Yeah."
Paul: "Care to dance?"
Susan: "I’d love to."
They begin dancing.
Susan: "I have a little confession to make."
Paul: "Oh?"
Susan: "I’re been so concerned about Julie lately that I sort of eavesdropped on her the other day when she was having a phone conversation with Zach."
Paul: "Really?"
Susan: "They were having a very interesting conversation."
Paul: "About?"
Susan: "Zach was telling Julie about what happened to Dana."
Paul: "Was he now?"
Susan: "Yes."
Paul: "How much did you hear?"
Susan: "Everything."
Paul: "You realize it was an accident."
Susan: "Oh, of course. I assumed as much."
Paul: "He didn’t mean to kill Dana. He was practically a baby himself. He didn’t understand what he was doing."
Susan: "No, of course he didn’t. So, what happened exactly?"
Paul: "Mary Alice and I never really knew. We heard the baby screaming. By the time we got up to the crib, it was too late."
Susan: "Paul, I am so sorry."
Paul: "Thank you."
He adjusts his hand and puts it on her lower back, pulling her close.
Susan: "So you and Mary Alice just kept this to yourselves all these years?"
Paul: "It was a very dark chapter in our lives. We preferred not to relive it. It was also a private family matter. I’d appreciate your discretion."
Susan: "Sure."
They continue dancing.
Later, Paul and Zach walk to their car.
Paul: "Did you have a good time?"
Zach: "Yeah, I did. It was great. Look, I want you to know that I’m really sorry I talked to Julie. But she did promise me that she wasn’t going to say anything to her mom."
Paul: "It’s okay. I handled Susan."
Zach: "Good."
Paul: "But we need to talk about these things that you think you remember. They’re not true."
Zach: "How can they not be true?"
Paul: "Memories lie, Zach. You didn’t kill anyone. Dana is very much alive."
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle pulls into her driveway. As soon as she opens her door, Helen and Bob Rowland emerge from their own parked car across the street and head briskly over to Gabrielle. Gabrielle shoots a quick look at her house to make sure Carlos isn't coming out.
Gabrielle: "Hi, what are you doing here?"
Helen Rowland: "Where is it?"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Helen: "The ring, Gabrielle. My grandmother’s ring!"
Gabrielle: "John caught me off guard. Obviously I’m going to give back the ring."
Helen: "Well you better, because make no mistake, if you try to ruin my son’s life, I will ruin yours!"
Bob Rowland: "Helen, okay, go to the car! Come on, please, just, please..."
Gabrielle: "Obviously, I’m not leaving my husband and marrying John."
Bob Rowland: "Well, I think that’s wise."
Gabrielle: "I’ll talk to John tomorrow and give back the ring."
Bob Rowland: "Okay, good, good. We appreciate everything you’re done."
He turns to go.
Gabrielle: "Hey, Bob! I get why she’s so angry with me, but, what I don’t get is, why you’re so nice."
Bob Rowland: "Well, John’s a big boy. Whatever happened between the two of you is his mistake as much as yours."
Gabrielle: "I guess. I understand if, uh, you hate me just a little."
Bob looks over at Helen, sitting in the car and watching them closely.
Bob Rowland: "When I was a kid, I always played by the rules. I never cheated on a test, never even missed a curfew. But I can’t help but think how wonderful it would have been to have made at least one mistake like you."
Gabrielle: "That’s sweet, you’re, you're very sweet."
Bob Rowland: "Hmmm...I’m a little sweet. Mostly I’m just middle-aged."
He turns and leaves.
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Outside Paul's House
Paul pulls into his driveway and he and Zach get out of the car.
Paul: "Are you okay? I know this is a lot to digest all at once."
Zach: "I’m fine. I’m just happy you finally told me the truth. One thing though. Why are you telling me all this now?"
Paul: "I couldn’t let you keep thinking that you killed someone. No one should carry that kind of burden."
Zach: "Or you just didn’t want me running my mouth."
Paul: "That’s not what’s it’s about."
Zach: "Yes, it is. I won’t tell anyone. I’ll keep your secret. Dad."
Paul: "Thank you."
Zach: "But we’re not moving."
Paul: "That’s out of the question."
Zach: "Well, I’m not leaving Julie, and if you want my support, that’s the deal."
Paul: "And if I refuse?"
Zach: "You won’t."
He smiles and goes inside the house.
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Lynette's House
Tom gets into bed and gets comfortable with a magazine. Lynette, sitting up against the headboard, watches him.
Lynette: "So here’s the thing, I feel really awful about how I acted before."
Tom: "For God’s sake, Lynette, you threw me out of my own house."
Lynette: "I overreacted, I know. I’m sorry."
Tom: "Look, I know you love my mom, but how she decides to live her life, is, it’s entirely up to here."
Lynette: "You’re right. You’re right. I guess I just got so upset because - oh, whatever, let’s not beat a dead horse, it’s over, I’m sorry, good night."
She kisses him and rolls over and turns off the light, exhaling as she lies down.
Tom: "Okay, get it off your chest."
Lynette: "Well, you knew your father was having an affair, and it didn’t seem to bother you that much. And that worries me, because if you can find it in you to condone something like that, then what’s gonna happen when you’re been on the road for forty years?"
Tom: "Lynette, I’m not my father!"
Lynette: "I know, of course. You’re not your father."
She kisses him again. He opens his magazine.
Lynette: "And just so we’re absolutely clear, I am definitely not your mother, because if you ever betray me, I will leave you. I will take the kids, and I will walk out that door, and you will never see any of us again."
She exhales loudly.
Lynette: "Glad to get that off my chest. Thank you."
She kisses him again.
Lynette: "I love you!"
She rolls over, missing the worried look on Tom’s face.
Later that night, Rodney comes down the stairs and sees Tom sitting at the kitchen table.
Grandpa Scavo: "Couldn’t sleep, huh?"
Tom: "No."
Grandpa Scavo: "Me either. I’m so sorry about the ruckus I caused."
Tom: "That’s okay, I’m not, uh, upset about that."
Grandpa Scavo: "No?"
Tom: "No."
Grandpa Scavo: "What’s wrong?"
Tom: "There’s something that Lynette doesn’t know about, dad. Something that I did, and I don’t know what’s going to happen if she ever finds out."
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John's Apartment
"The next morning, Gabrielle returned the engagement ring to her former lover, a gesture that was met with..."
A glass shatters in the fireplace.
"... measured enthusiasm."
Gabrielle: "Please, calm down!"
John: "It just doesn’t make any sense. Okay, you love me, I know you love me!"
Gabrielle: "Love is not enough. Where would we live, here with your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!"
John: "We could get our own place!"
Gabrielle: "How? You’re barely making minimum wage!"
John: "Okay, sure. We’d be poor at first, but we’d be happy."
Gabrielle: "I’re tried poor but happy. Guess what. It wasn’t that happy."
John: "Mr. Solis is going to jail. You want to stick around for that?"
Gabrielle: "I don’t know. You know, every once in a while, even I want to do the right thing."
John: "Mrs. Solis, I love you so much! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?"
Gabrielle: "Honestly, no. John, you’re a toy. A sweet, dumb toy, so you might as well go to college, because you and me, no future!"
John, with reddened eyes, storms past Gabrielle and slams the door. Gabrielle begins crying.
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Susan's House, Nighttime
Zach: "Ms. Mayer! Hey, is Julie home?"
Susan: "She’s in the shower."
Zach: "Oh. Well, I just came by to give her some good news."
He pushes past Susan into the house.
Susan: "What’s that?"
Zach: "Well, it turns out that my dad and I aren’t moving after all."
Susan: "What?"
Zach: "Yeah, he reconsidered, so I guess we’re going to keep living across the street."
Susan: "Okay. Wow, uh, wow. You know, uh, can you sit down? I need, uh to talk to you."
She sits down at the kitchen table. Zach walks over to a small table and picks up the corsage he gave Julie at the dance. He smells the flowers.
Zach: "Hey. You know that Julie is the first girl I ever gave a flower to?"
Susan: "Really."
Zach: "Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Ms. Mayer."
Susan: "Zach, um, Julie is only fourteen years old, and sometimes girls, when they’re that age they just don’t always make the right decisions. And, um, as her mother, it is my responsibiliity to protect her."
Zach: "You want to protect her from me?"
Susan: "No, I, I just, I think that you should slow things down. I, I, I want you to not see her for awhile."
Zach: "No."
Susan: "No?"
Zach: "You’re not taking her away from me."
Susan (chuckles): "Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on..."
Zach: "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!??"
He turns over a table.
Zach: "DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"
Susan (harshly): "Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking my daughter ever again! And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!"
Zach walks to the door. He stares down at the flower he was still holding, drops it on the ground, and then leaves. Susan picks up the flower and looks at it. She closes the door.
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John's Apartment
"Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults..."
John looks at the ring and his father takes it from him, then pats him on the shoulder.
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Gabrielle's House
"...and learn to give up what we want, so we can chose to do what is right."
Gabrielle climbs into bed with Carlos, who gives her a kiss, and then pulls up the covers.
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Bree's House
"Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn’t always easy."
Bree gives Rex a glass of water and his medication from the pharmacy.
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Lynette's House
"And as the years go on, it’s a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear."
Lynette hugs Rodney as Tom leads him out of the house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan's House
"But still we try to do what is best, what is good."
Susan, carrying a laundry basket, knocks on Julie’s door.
"Not only for ourselves, but for those we love."
She doesn’t go in the room, but we see the open window and the curtain blowing.
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High School Gym
In the darkened gym, Zach paces. The door opens and Julie enters.
Julie: "Hey!"
Zach: "I’m glad you came."
Julie: "Zach, I can’t stay long. If my mom catches me, she’ll freak."
Zach: "Come here."
He holds out his hand. Julie walks forward and takes it.
Julie: "She said I can’t see you any more. What are we gonna do?"
Zach: "I’m not sure."
They embrace.
"Yes, sooner or later we must all become responsible adults. No one knows this better than the young."
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.14 - Love Is In The Air
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Karen McCluskey" - Kathryn Joosten
"Dr. Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Charles Skouras" - Jon Polito
"Yao Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Deirdre" - Jolie Jenkins
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Doctor" - Timothy Davis-Reed
"Noah's Doctor" - J. David Krassner
"Nurse #1" - Roz Witt
"Nurse #2" - Carlease Burke
"Man at Mattress Stor" - Christopher Boyer
"Cosmetic Store Customer" - Kristina Lear
"Busboy" - Paul Nicholas
"Hostess" - Heather Salmon
Written by: Tom Spezialy
Directed by: Jeff Melman
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Lynette's House
Lynette holds baby Penny up into the air, then brings her close, hugging her. As she turns, she sees her three boys hold up a box with red tissue paper and pink hearts glued haphazardly on it. They grin as they hold it towards her and she stares at it in confusion.
"Most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from god. Most mothers would also tell you that the gifts their children give them are less than heavenly."
Flashback to Lynette hanging up a drawing on the refrigerator, then turning to her boys, who are grinning.
"Lynette had suffered through art work made in kindergarten..."
Flashback to Lynette hanging on the wall a popsicle stick box, then turning to look at her boys, who grin at her.
"...spice racks made in summer camp..."
Flashback to Lynette putting on a homemade necklace.
"...and jewelry made at the scout jamboree. But this day, Lynette Scavo received a gift every mother dreams of."
In present time, Lynette opens the box the boys gave her and pulls out a potted plant, in a beautiful pot.
"One she wasn’t embarrassed to display."
Lynette: "Where did you guys get this pot?"
Twin: "We made it!"
Lynette: "Really? I love it. Well this is the nicest present you boys had ever given me, and you know what? I’m gonna put it out on the front porch so the whole neighborhood can enjoy it"
She sniffs the flowers. Cut to Lynette putting the pot on the front porch.
"Lynette knew she抎 cherish the memory of that moment for the rest of her life. The memory of that moment was ruined the very next day."
The next day, Lynette looks out her window and sees an older woman looking at the pot. She picks it up, checks the bottom, and then walks off with it. Lynette runs out of the house after her.
Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey, why are you taking my flower pot?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Because it’s mine. Your boys stole it off of my porch."
Lynette: "No, no, no. My sons made that for me for Valentine's Day."
Mrs. McCluskey: "I bought this in Costa Rica on my last cruise. You see?"
She turns it upside down. The flowering plant falls with a thump onto the ground.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Still got the price tag on it."
She points to the price painted on the bottom.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Look. What? Nothing more to say? Cat got your tongue? You listen to me. Keep your brats off my property."
She walks off.
"Yes, most mothers will tell you their children are a gift from God."
Lynette turns back to her house, where her three boys are watching. When they catch her eye, they rush inside and close the door.
"Most mothers will also tell you there are some days when you wish you could return them."
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Credits
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Gabrielle's House
"It was the day before Valentine's Day and every man on Wisteria Lane was preparing for this most dangerous of holidays. While some purchased romantic cards..."
Carlos sits on a chair, signing his name to a card.
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Bree's House
"...and some brought home candy and flowers..."
Rex walks quietly into the house, holding a large box of candy and flowers and quickly puts them in a hall closet.
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Mike's House
"...and some made dinner reservations at fancy restaurants..."
Mike talks on the phone.
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Lynette's House
"...others managed to forget about the day entirely. Again."
Tom walks past a calendar and notices that the date for Valentine's Day has been circled. He stares at it in panic, then rushes out the house and gets into his car.
"This flurry of activity was lost on the women of Wisteria Lane. They were busy learning a secret about their neighbors. A secret that was positively heart-breaking."
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Gabrielle's House
The four women sit on Gabrielle's porch, sipping drinks.
Gabrielle: "So Paul said that Zachary killed Dana?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Bree: "Well, it must抳e been some sort of accident. I mean little boys don’t just kill their baby sisters."
Susan: "Well, whatever it was, that boy is seriously disturbed, and I've forbidden Julie from hanging out with him."
Lynette (to Bree): "Could you hold her?"
Lynette hands Bree baby Penny.
Lynette: "So this is it! This is the secret that Mary Alice was trying to protect"
Bree: "Look at the guilt that she must抳e lived with."
Gabrielle: "You know, I never thought I抎 say this but I kind of feel sorry for Paul."
Susan: "I wish I could. I still feel like something’s not right."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean?"
Susan: "Well, we抳e all been in their house. Have you ever seen a picture of another kid there? I mean, why keep Dana’s baby blanket and throw out all the photos?"
Lynette: "That’s a good point."
Susan: "We抳e never answered why Mary Alice referred to herself as Angela in that therapy session."
Bree: "All I know is this: Mary Alice loved Zach more than anything in the world. When you love a child that much..."
Lynette: "You抮e capable of doing all sorts of things."
Bree: "Yeah."
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Paul's House
Paul slowly washes dishes in the sink when there's a knock the door and Felicia Tilman walks in holding a basket of flowers with balloons attached.
Felicia: "Hello. These were delivered to my house by mistake. May I? They抮e for Mary Alice Young."
Paul: "Oh my god. I uh, had a standing order with the florist. I forgot to cancel it. Mary Alice was my wife. She passed away a few months ago."
Felicia: "I’m very sorry for your loss."
Paul: "And I’m sorry for yours."
Felicia: "Pardon?"
Paul: "Your sister. Martha?"
Felicia: "Oh, yes. Her."
She looks past Paul and sees a photo of Mary Alice and Zach on the wall.
Felicia: "Good lord, that’s Angela."
Paul: "What?"
Felicia: "Angela Forest! We worked together it Utah. It must be 15 years ago."
Paul: "I’m afraid you're mistaken. My wife’s name is Mary Alice and she’s never been to Utah."
Felicia: "Well, I could be mistaken. As I said it's, it's been years."
She leaves.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle tosses some earrings into a heart-shaped bowl as she talks on the phone.
Gabrielle: "No Mikki, you抮e wrong. I wasn’t acting like a diva. I left the boat show because that coordinator was making passes at me. It’s not my fault."
She turns around and speaks to Yao Lin, who's scrubbing the floor behind her.
Gabrielle: "Yao Lin? You missed a spot. No, spare me the lecture and just book me another job quick. Carlos and I are up to our asses in bills and we can't pay them. Fine. Bye."
Yao Lin, still on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor, begins talking in Chinese.
Gabrielle: "What did you say?"
Yao Lin: "Nothing."
Gabrielle: "Are you gonna clean that spot?"
Yao Lin: "Which one?"
Gabrielle: "The one I told you to clean."
Yao Lin: "I'll get to it."
Gabrielle: "Clean it now."
Yao Lin: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because I said so."
Yao Lin: "Okay, but you抳e got to say please."
Gabrielle: "Fine. Please."
She turns back around and Yao Lin smiles.
Gabrielle: "Anything to get you back on your knees scrubbing where you belong."
Yao Lin stands up.
Yao Lin: "You are not better then me."
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?"
Yao Lin: "The only reason you have anything in your life is because you抮e pretty. One day you’ll be old, and when that happens you’ll be nothing."
Gabrielle: "You are so fired."
Yao Lin: "No kidding."
She walks off.
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Outside Mike's House
Hands open up an envelope and pull out a Valentine's Day card.
Susan: "Ooh. Valentine's Day card. It’s pretty."
Pull back to show Susan and Mike sitting on Mike's front steps. Mike holds the card with Susan looking over his shoulder.
Susan: "And meticulously hand painted. Whoever sent you that must really love you."
Mike opens the card. Inside it reads: "Dear Mike, Be Mine! Love, Susan ♥"
Susan: "...and be loaded with talent."
Mike: "It’s beautiful. Thanks."
Susan: "So we still on for tomorrow night?"
Mike: "Oh. Not only are we on, I got reservations at Le Petit Fleur."
Susan: "Ooh. That place is so pretentious. I抳e been dying to go there."
They laugh.
From across the street, they hear Lynette call out.
Lynette: "Boys! Get your little fannies inside. Guys?"
Susan: "Oh, poor Lynette. She doesn’t get a new nanny soon, she’s gonna implode."
Mike looks off to the side and then shushs Susan. He gets up and goes around the side of the house. He sees the the three boys, who are hiding next to the house.
Mike: "Hey guys. Who you hiding from?"
Twin: "Our mom. She wants to spank us."
Mike: "Why, did you do something bad?"
They all nod.
Mike: "Well, you know if you hide out too long she’ll get worried and then she’ll just get madder. You know what I say? Go on home, take your lumps. Decent chance you’ll have the rest of the day to play."
Susan, watching from the corner of the house, smiles.
The boys look convinced and nod.
Mike: "Come on, climb aboard. All right!"
One of the twins jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride, and the others follow. As he walks them past Susan, she comments.
Susan: "Pretty impressive."
Mike: "Oh, I love kids, Can’t wait to have my own some day."
Susan, following behind them, suddenly trips and falls to the ground.
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Lynette's
At the kitchen table, Lynette moves three Valentine's Day cards off to the side and then begins laying down various objects: a thorny rose, a hard-backed hairbrush, a ping pong paddle, a metal spatula, a long metal ruler, and a belt.
Twin: "We don’t want to get spanked."
Twin: "Yeah, we promise we’ll be good."
Lynette: "Too late, you stole and then you lied. Even worse? You made me look bad in front of Mrs. McCluskey, who you know is mommy's sworn enemy. Time to pick your poison. How 'bout a belt? It’s a classic."
The boys shake their heads no.
Lynette: "Well, we could go with the old hickory stick. It’s a cliché, but it’s pretty effective. I know, we’ll go with the spatula. The holes give it less wind resistance. Moves faster."
The boys all shout out "No!" to her.
Lynette: "Guys, guys, guys, hey my hands are tied. Thieves get spanked. Just the way it works. Unless..."
Twin: "Unless what?"
Lynette: "For a first time offense, if you swear, cross your heart, that you will never, never steal again, and you write Mrs. McCluskey a letter of apology, I will let it slide."
The boys nod their heads vigorously and promise to swear. Lynette reaches down to the chair next to her and pulls out pads of paper and pens, which she hands to the boys.
Lynette: "All right, start with 'Dear Mrs. McCluskey.'"
Twin: "Mommy, why are you smiling?"
Lynette: "Do you know what physiological warfare means?"
Twin: "No."
Lynette: "Well, too bad for you. Okay, start with a big em, little see. Good."
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Dr. Goldfine's Office
Bree stands by the window, playing with the necklace she's wearing.
Bree: "Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for ten next week. We抮e using our best china and serving duck."
Dr. Goldfine: "So, you and Rex are a couple again?"
Bree: "Yes. You know that’s one of the things I hated most about our separation. Not being able to throw dinner parties. There’s just something so civilized and elegant about them, don’t you think?"
Dr. Goldfine: "I take it you抳e resolved your feelings about his infidelity?"
Bree: "Let’s just say that I put them in an imaginary box and don’t plan on looking at them for a while."
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you think that’s the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?"
Bree: "Well, it won't be easy at first. There’ll be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory love making, but after a few decades whiz by I’m sure I’ll find a way to forgive him."
Dr. Goldfine: "Well, as long as you have a plan."
Bree: "I do want to forgive him Doctor Goldfine, but, there’s something he’s still not telling me."
Dr. Goldfine: "Really?"
Bree: "I think it has something to do with why he had the affair."
Dr. Goldfine: "Have you confronted him?"
Bree: "Once, and you should抳e seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I抎 figure it out. You know what it is, don’t you?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, I can't discuss other patients."
Bree: "I realize that. This thing that he’s hiding, is it bad?"
Dr. Goldfine looks down.
Bree: "Oh, okay, um, maybe it’s better that I don’t know."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can’t be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?"
Bree: "We抮e, um, WASPs, Doctor Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best."
Dr. Goldfine: "You抎 settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?"
Bree: "And the dinner parties. Don’t forget the dinner parties."
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Mattress Store
The bald owner of the store walks Gabrielle around the store, pointing out various mattress styles.
Siesta King: "And uh, over there you got your queens and, uh, your quad spring series, and your deluxe one thousands. All the way to the imperial paradise. Sweet racket huh?"
Gabrielle: "Mm."
Siesta King: "I swear sometimes I wake up in the morning and I can’t believe I’m the Siesta King. Except for how I am."
Gabrielle: "Very impressive. So, where does the photographer want me for the shoot?"
Siesta King: "Uh, didn’t your agent tell you? There’s no shoot?"
Gabrielle: "Well, then what did you hire me for?"
Cut to Gabrielle lying seductively on one of the mattresses as the voice over of the "Siesta King" is heard.
Siesta King: "You抳e heard the expression sex sales? That’s where you come in. You抮e here to remind people that there’s a lot of fun things they can do on a Siesta King mattress that don’t involve sleep. Get it?"
As Gabrielle lies on the bed in a sexy negligee, various customers appear throughout the day around the bed.
Two teenage boys stand at the end of the bed and wave at her...Gabrielle lies on the edge of the bed as a very obese man lies next to her...Gabrielle lies in the middle as two butch-looking women lie on either side of her.
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Lynette's House
Lynette begins putting laundry into the washer.
"It is often said that good fences make good neighbors..."
The front door slams and Lynette turns to see what's happening.
"...but as Lynette was about to discover, the fence might just need a little barbed wire, if the neighbor is Mrs. McCluskey."
Mrs. McCluskey walks up the stairs in Lynette's house.
Lynette: "Hey."
Mrs. McCluskey is in the twins room, lifting their mattresses and pillows and generally looking around.
Lynette: "Hey, what do you think you are doing? Get out of here."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Your little criminals snuck into my house and stole my wall clock."
Lynette: "What?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "It was a hand-painted purple and white wall clock. My son made it."
Lynette: "Are you sure you didn’t misplace it? You抮e getting up there in years, no offense, but you probably forget where you put things."
Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilized."
Lynette: "Look, my boys do not break into people's houses. Sure, they may have stolen your flower pot, but you know they apologized for that."
Mrs. McCluskey: "They wrote a note. That’s the coward's way out. They should抳e come over and apologized in person."
Lynette: "You know what? This has been fun but now - "
Mrs. McCluskey: "You let those boys run wild! Toys all over the yard, there’s bikes laying out in the street. It’s a disgrace."
Lynette: "Get out of my house!"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Those boys would抳e been better off raised by wolves. God knows they would抳e been cleaner."
She leaves the room and Lynette throws a pillow after her. It hits the door.
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Bree's House
Bree sits in a living room chair, sewing. Rex sits on the couch, reading a book.
Bree: "Valentine's Day is tomorrow."
Rex: "I know. I already bought your gifts."
Bree: "Roses and English toffee?"
Rex: "Mmm hmm. Just like always."
Bree: "Yes. And I suppose we’ll make love tomorrow night, too."
Rex: "That is our little tradition."
Bree: "Good. I’m looking forward to it. Are you looking forward to it?"
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "Well, it’s just that I know that I don’t please you sexually, so I was wondering if you really were looking forward to being with me."
Rex: "Oh, for god's sake."
Bree: "I’m sorry, Rex. I thought I could pretend that this doesn’t upset me anymore, but I can't."
Rex: "Please don’t do this."
Bree: "You had an affair. You went to another woman for sex to give you something I couldn’t. At least have the decency to tell me what that something is."
Rex: "Bree, I can’t."
Bree: "Why not? Rex, please tell me. Let me prove to you how much I love you."
Rex: "I like to be dominated."
Bree: "Huh?"
Rex: "Sexually."
Bree: "Huh?"
Rex: "Never mind."
Bree: "Rex, please, I want to understand."
Later, Rex and Bree sit on the couch, watching the TV, from which the sounds of a man pleading are heard.
Man on TV: "Please, mistress, no!"
Woman on TV: "Quiet, slave."
The sound of a slap is heard.
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress, yes, yes."
Woman on TV: "Turn your head. Don't look at me."
Man on TV: "But, mistress!"
Woman on TV: "On your knees now. Right now! Tighten your cuffs."
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress."
Woman on TV: "Do it now."
Man on TV: "Yes."
Woman on TV: "Head down."
Man on TV: "Yes. Ow! Yes! Ow! Yes!"
Woman on TV: "Place the nightstick in your mouth."
Man on TV: "Yes, mistress."
Woman on TV: "Tight."
Man on TV: "Yes!"
As they watch, from opposite sides of the couch, Rex looks alternately turned on and uncomfortable. Bree alternates her gaze between the TV and Rex, looking at him in shock.
Rex pauses the video and turns to Bree.
Rex: "Well?"
Bree: "What the hell did your mother do to you?"
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "Well, come on, this just reeks of unresolved childhood trauma."
Rex: "This has nothing to do with my mother, Bree, this is a preference."
Bree: "It’s a perversion."
Rex: "For gods sake, you promised to be supportive."
Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?"
Rex: "I want you to say you’ll try it. Just, just once"
Bree: "Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?"
Rex: "So I can feel pleasure, yes."
Bree: "Fine."
She slaps him across the face as hard as she can.
Bree: "So? Was it good for you too?"
She gets up and leaves.
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Susan's House
Susan walks into Julie's bedroom, holding some clothes on hangers, which she puts in Julie's closet. Julie, typing on her laptop, closes it, and looks over at Susan.
Susan: "Mike wants babies."
Julie: "What?"
Susan: "He wants to have kids, and he had that look that men get that says I’m ready to procreate, point me to the nearest cervix."
Julie: "And I take it this is a problem?"
Susan: "Oh, I can’t have another baby. I mean I’m so grateful I had you, you know I don’t regret a minute of that, but I found it to be completely overwhelming. Sometimes I even wonder how I got through it."
Julie: "You and me both. So, have you told Mike how you feel?"
Susan: "Oh, I can’t tell him. This could be a deal breaker. Julie I really love him. I don’t want to lose him."
Julie: "Maybe you抮e overreacting. I bet he抎 rather have you then a baby."
Susan: "What if he doesn’t?"
Julie: "Then that’s something you need to know."
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Outside, Wisteria Lane
"Susan shouldn’t have been so worried. Children were the last thing on Mike’s mind. He was too busy searching for answers in all the wrong places."
Mike knocks on various neighbors doors, showing them a picture of Deirdre and asking them questions. He knocks on the door of one house, and when nobody answers, he goes around the back, where he puts on a black glove, then picks the lock to get in.
Once inside, he searches through papers and bookcases, finding nothing. He opens up doors, looking inside the rooms as he searches.
He comes to one door, opens it, and behind it is an older gentleman, shakily holding a gun straight at Mike.
Mike: "Please..."
The gun goes off, hitting Mike, who runs down the hallway, through the kitchen, outside, and gets into his car. The man shoots after him, but doesn't hit him.
Once in the car, Mike looks down at his stomach, where a bullet hole is bleeding. He drives off.
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Mike's House
A picture of Mike and Deirdre sits on the coffee table on top of the maps of Wisteria Lane that Mike had. Both bloody and clean gauze lie on the table and a pair of clamps are placed on the table as well.
Mike lies on the couch while a man stitches him up.
Man: "You got lucky: didn’t hit anything major. Noah’s getting impatient."
Mike: "Well, you can tell Noah I’m getting closer."
Man: "That’s her, isn’t it?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Man: "Hard to believe a kid from such a good family could get so messed up."
Mike: "I met somebody who recognized her photo. I think she rented a room over on Pine Avenue."
The phone rings and after one ring, the machine picks up.
Mike: "I was checking out houses when . "
Susan (on the machine): "Hey, Mike, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Hello? Okay, I know you're home. Your lights are on. Look, I really need to talk to you about something, uh, you know what? I’m just gonna stop by."
Mike grabs for the phone.
Mike: "No, hey, hey I’m here. Ow!"
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Mike: "Yup. Yeah, I just stubbed my toe."
Susan: "Oh, um, so can I come over? I, I really need to talk to you about something."
Mike: "Actually, I got a buddy over here right now. Um, can it wait 'til dinner tomorrow?"
Susan: "It’s kind of important, um, yeah I guess it can wait. So I’ll see you at seven?"
Mike: "All right. I’m counting the minutes."
They hang up.
Man: "You should take it easy for the next few days."
Mike: "I can’t cancel. The last thing I need is for her to get suspicious."
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Outside Lynette's House
The next day, Lynette removes groceries from her car. Across the street, sitting in her car, is Mrs. McCluskey.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Maybe it’s my dementia, but I still haven’t found my purple wall clock."
Lynette: "Nobody in my family knows or cares where your stupid clock is."
Tom comes around the car to help Lynette. Mrs. McCluskey looks at a bike lying on the edge of the road.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Oh, and by the way, will you tell your little criminals to get their bikes out of the street?"
Tom: "Oh, I’ll get it."
Lynette: "No, don’t you dare. We’ll move it when you say please."
Mrs. McCluskey makes a u-turn and runs over the bike several times.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Please."
Lynette gasps. Tom quickly tries to calm her down, but Lynette reaches into one of the grocery bags and pulls out a carton of eggs.
"Even though it was Mrs. McCluskey who had officially declared war..."
Lynette throws an egg at Mrs. McCluskey's retreating car. It splatters on the back windshield and the car stops.
"...it was Lynette who decided to deliver the opening salvo."
Mrs. McCluskey gets out of the car and points to the broken egg on her car.
Mrs. McCluskey: "You抮e going to clean that up."
Lynette: "Think so?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Yes."
Lynette throws another egg, this time at Mrs. McCluskey. It flies toward her in slow motion, landing squarely on her forehead.
"Yes, the war of Wisteria lane would indeed prove to be messy for everyone involved."
Tom closes his eyes in resignation.
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Mattress Store
Gabrielle lies on a mattress, with her eyes closed.
Customer: "Pardon me, pardon me. We were wondering what the coil count was on this one."
Gabrielle points to a cardboard sign sitting on the pillow next to her, which reads: "Please do not talk to model!"
Customer: "Oh. Sorry."
He and his wife walk off, rolling their eyes. The "Siesta King" walks up to Gabrielle, smiling, but quickly frowns when he sees the sign next to her.
Siesta King: "What is this?"
Gabrielle: "People keep coming and talking to me asking me questions. That is not my job."
Siesta King: "Well. You don’t have to be rude."
Gabrielle: "I am not a mattress sales person."
Siesta King: "Is there something wrong with being a mattress sales person? Is it beneath you or something?"
Gabrielle: "Honestly, yes. I am a model."
Siesta King: "You know what, your agent warned me that you were a diva, and he was right. You won’t talk to the customers, you bitch about the coffee, and you wouldn’t even chip in for Hazel’s birthday cake."
Gabrielle: "I just met the woman today."
Siesta King: "That didn’t stop you from havin' a piece. I’m sorry, but I, I don’t want someone around my store that's not a team player."
Gabrielle: "Oh no, no, no, wait, wait."
Siesta King: "You抮e fired, princess."
Gabrielle: "No!"
He walks away and she flops onto the mattress.
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Lynette's House
Lynette is on the phone.
Lynette: "I need to know if my policy covers it. No, my car actually wasn’t involved. It was my neighbor's car, but the egg was mine. Uh huh. Can I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tom (calling from outside): "Honey? Would you come out here?"
Outside.
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Look what I found stashed in the boys' playhouse."
Lynette looks inside the playhouse, which contains dozens of items clearly not belonging to the boys, including a wall clock.
Lynette (gasps): "Please tell me that’s not a purple wall clock. Pack your bags. We抮e moving."
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Martha Huber's House
Felicia runs her finger over the carefully labeled photo albums in her sister's house. Her finger stops when she comes to one marked "Family."
She pulls it from the shelf and sits down at the table with it. Flipping through the photos, she sighs.
She comes to one that is obviously a posed staff photo. About 10 men and women, wearing medical scrubs, stand outside of a building, smiling. The caption underneath the photo reads "Dorothy Drake Rehabilitation House." Felicia frowns, looking at the photo. She is one of the staff members, standing on the left, and on the right, stands Mary Alice Young. Felicia raises her eyebrows and nods.
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Department Store
Gabrielle walks through the make-up department of the store.
"Discouraged over losing her job, Gabrielle decided a make over would be the perfect cure for her depression. It was after finding a moisturizer she couldn’t afford that it finally occurred to Gabrielle. Perhaps it was her pride that needed a make over."
She sees a small sign advertising for help wanted and she sighs.
Later...
Customer: "Excuse me, miss? You forgot to give me my receipt."
Gabrielle, standing behind one of the counters, jumps slightly.
Gabrielle: "Oh, right. Oh, here. Here you go. Thank you. Come again."
Yao Lin: "Mrs. Solis?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, god."
Yao Lin: "Hello."
Gabrielle: "Hello, Yao Lin. How are you?"
Yao Lin: "Good. Very good. "
Gabrielle: "I wanted to call you. I felt terrible about how we left things."
Yao Lin: "I need lipstick."
Gabrielle: "Okay but - "
Yao Lin: "Now."
A little later, Yao Lin sits on a chair as Gabrielle stands before her with make up in her hands.
Gabrielle: "You must be loving this, huh? Having me serve you must be a dream come true."
Yao Lin: "Can’t complain."
Gabrielle: "That’s the difference between you and me, Yao Lin, our dreams. Close your eyes, please. Thank you. You see I dreamed of pulling myself up from nothing, and I did. I dreamed about the things I wanted and I got them all: a high powered career, a handsome husband, an extravagant house. So, this is just a blip in the radar for me, because now, I know what I’m capable of and if I did it once, I can do it again. I’m never really down, Yao Lin, even when it looks like I am. So, enjoy this moment, enjoy your dream, because for you, it doesn’t get any better then this. There. Don’t you look beautiful."
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Le Petit Fleur
A waiter carries food to a table, passing by a busboy, who finishes setting up the table. He smoothes down the tablecloth, and then notices that the table is wobbling. He crawls underneath the table to wedge a piece of wood underneath it. It doesn't seem to do the trick, and he continues working on it.
Meanwhile, the hostess leads Mike and Susan into the dining room.
Hostess: "Right this way."
Mike: "Everything okay?"
Susan: "Oh yeah, this dress is just riding up as it is. If I walk any faster it’ll be happy Valentine's Day for everyone."
Mike: "Especially me."
He pulls out her chair and she sits down.
Susan: "Thank you."
Underneath the table, the busboy realizes that he's trapped. Above the table, Susan gets a confused look on her face.
Busboy: "Excuse me miss?"
She peeks between her legs, underneath the table, and sees the busboy peering back up at her.
She gasps in horror and jumps back, out of her chair, running into a waiter, carrying a large tray with food on it. The waiter falls, dropping the food, and a woman walking by trips, nearly falling herself, but Mike quickly catches her.
Susan: "I am so sorry! Is everyone okay?"
Lady: "Oh, oh. Thank you. Thank you!"
She walks off and as Susan sits back down, Mike quickly checks his shirt. His wound had started bleeding again, and it's left a small red stain on his white shirt. He pulls his jacket over the stain and sits down.
Busboy: "Oh, ma'am, your napkin."
Susan: "Don’t even think about it."
The busboy walks off and she leans down to get her own napkin.
Later, a waiter pours wine while Susan opens the card that Mike got for her. As she reads it, he surreptitiously pulls open his jacket to look at his wound, which has left a bigger stain.
Susan: "Oh, that’s so wonderful what you wrote, thank you. Okay, I’m not gonna be any kind of company until I get something off my chest. Do you remember the other day when you said that you wanted to have kids?"
Mike: "Mm hmm."
Susan: "Here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m ready to have another baby. I think we need to have a serious conversation."
Mike: "Sure."
He smiles and Susan smiles back, then takes a sip of wine.
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom sit at their table, dressed up, and eating a fancy meal.
Lynette: "I’m not going over there."
Tom: "Yes, you are."
Lynette: "No. I can deal with the humiliation of going around the neighborhood returning everything the boys stole, but please don’t make me apologize to that woman."
Tom: "This is what it means to be a good neighbor, finding ways of getting along instead of, you know, hurling an egg at them."
Lynette: "But why do I have to apologize? Why don’t we just go 憃h, now we抮e even?and we'll start from scratch."
Tom: "Okay if the, uh, being a pleasant human being argument doesn’t fly with you, we’ll try a self preservation, what if she wakes up in the middle of the night, the house is on fire, you don’t want her to call 911?"
Lynette: "If our house catches fire I guarantee you, she's the one that started it."
Tom: "My point is, the day will come when we need her help and I don’t want her not to help us just because of some silly feud."
Lynette: "Fine, I’ll do it."
Tom: "Wow, thank you."
Lynette: "You know whoever came up with the motto love thy neighbor clearly lived nowhere near Karen McCluskey."
Tom: "Yes, well, on Valentine’s Day the only motto that really matters is, you know, love thy husband."
Lynette: "Really, I, I recall no such motto."
They kiss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Le Petit Fleur
Susan and Mike have their food in front of them.
Susan: "I mean, I understand why you would want to have kids, but that chapter of my life is just closed. I don’t think I can go back there. And so, you know, given the way I feel and given the way I think you feel..."
Mike, clearly not feeling well, lowers his head, propping it up with his index and middle fingers of his left hand.
Susan: "Oh god, you抮e not taking this well. Oh I was afraid of this."
Mike: "Um."
He looks down and notices drops of blood dripping onto the floor from his wound.
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "I've got to go."
Susan: "What?"
Mike: "I’m sorry."
Susan: "I don’t believe this. You抮e leaving without even trying to talk me into having your baby? I mean how do you know I wouldn't cave. I always cave."
Mike collapses on the floor. When he falls, his jacket falls open and the bleeding wound is clearly visible.
Susan: "Mike?!"
She rushes toward him.
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Bree's House
Bree's reading in bed when Rex climbs in next to her.
Bree: "Good night."
Rex: "Night."
Bree (sighs): "So, how does this domination thing work?"
He rolls over and sits up. Then he smiles at her.
Later, Rex is pulling a box out of the deepest part of the closet as he talks.
Rex: "So there’s nothing to be afraid of. I mostly will be constructing simple scenarios and acting them out."
Bree: "So, it’s like we抮e in a little play."
Rex: "Sort of. And if things do get too rough we’ll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately."
Bree: "Okay. So what’s our control word?"
Rex: "Well, lately I抳e been using Philadelphia."
She looks away.
Rex: "What’s wrong?"
Bree: "Well it’s just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don’t want to be thinking about her while I’m spanking you with a leather strap."
Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word."
Bree: "Um, how about Boise?"
Rex: "Boise?"
Bree: "What’s the matter with Boise?"
Rex: "We抮e going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."
Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?"
Rex: "Boise will be just fine."
Bree: "So I guess we should, uh, get started. What do you want me to do?"
Rex: "Handcuff me to the bed. Bree, you are not going to regret taking this journey with me. This is going to infuse our marriage with more passion then you could imagine. You just have to trust me."
Bree: "I do. Would you mind if I ran these through the dishwasher once?"
Rex: "Sure."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital
A nurse leads Susan to outside Mike's hospital room.
Nurse: "You can wait here. You can go in to see him as soon as the doctor's finished."
Susan: "Oh, okay. Thanks."
The doctor and a nurse come out of Mike's room.
Nurse: "Can you believe that story?"
Doctor: "Please. There’s no way that gun shot wound was self-inflicted."
Nurse: "Funny how he can’t seem to remember who stitched him up."
Doctor: "Well, the police are on their way to talk to him. Let them sort it out."
Susan watches them go, then slowly walks into Mike's room.
Mike: "Sorry about ruining dinner."
Susan: "Ah, please. I’m just glad you抮e okay. So, you shot yourself?"
Mike: "Pretty lame, huh? I was cleaning my automatic and I was too embarrassed to tell you."
Susan: "Well, I could see why you would be."
Mike: "I know it sounds crazy. I just couldn’t let myself ruin your Valentine's Day. But I heard what you said at the restaurant about not wanting kids."
Susan: "We don’t have to talk about that now."
Mike: "Oh, Susan, I just want to be with you above everything else. That means not being a dad? I may be stupid enough to shoot myself, but I’m not stupid enough to walk away from you. You know that, right?"
Susan: "Yeah. I’m gonna go outside and let you rest for a while."
Mike: "Thanks for being so understanding."
She smils at him. As she opens the door to his room, two police officers walk inside.
Police: "Mr. Delfino, I’m Officer Russell, this is Officer Walters. We'd like to ask you a few questions."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. McCluskey's House
The next day, Lynette's three boys, dressed nicely, walk up the walk to Mrs. McCluskey's front door. Parker holds the wall clock. They turn to look at her, and Lynette, standing by the sidewalk, motions that they should knock on the door. They do, and Mrs. McClusky opens it.
Mrs. McCluskey: "What do you want?"
The boys turn to look at Lynette.
Lynette: "The boys have something they抎 like to say to you."
Parker hands Mrs. McCluskey the wall clock.
Mrs. McCluskey: "I have some tea heating on the stove. Perhaps you'd better come inside, boys."
The boys turn to look at Lynette again, and she nods that it's okay.
Mrs. McCluskey: "What about you, Lynette? D'you have anything to say?"
Lynette: "No. I’ll just wait out here."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Suit yourself."
She closes the door.
Inside the house, the boys sit on her couch.
Mrs. McCluskey: "You boys want some peanut brittle? Go ahead. Don’t get any crumbs on my floor. Move over. Okay. Go ahead, make with the apology."
All three boys: "We抮e sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "That’s it, huh? Didn’t you know that stealing is wrong? How old are you anyway?"
Twin: "We抮e six."
Mrs. McCluskey: "And how old are you?"
Parker: "Five."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, your mother just pops 'em out, doesn’t she?"
Twin: "How old are you?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "How old do you think?"
Twin: "A hundred and fifty."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hurry up and eat your peanut brittle."
Twin (pointing to a framed picture): "Who's that?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "That’s my little boy."
Twin: "Where does he live?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "He died when he was twelve."
Twin: "How come?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "He got sick. He was a little terror like you three. You would抳e liked him. Now, are you done with the peanut brittle? Let's go. Now, I want to say something to you before you go. What you did was wrong, but it’s nice that you wanted to get a present for your mom for Valentine's Day. Nobody is ever gonna love you like your mother. All right, let’s go."
She opens the front door and shoos the boys out.
Mrs. McCluskey: "Get the hell out of my house."
Lynette stares at her, then herds the children her way.
"In her heart, Lynette knew she would probably never love her neighbor, never realizing that love was the one thing she and her neighbor had in common."
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Susan's House
Susan sits on a bench in her front yard, reading the Valentine's Day card Mike got her. Lynette walks over.
Lynette: "Hey."
Susan: "Hey, Lynette."
Lynette: "Um..."
Susan: "What’s wrong?"
Lynette: "My kids have been on kind of a thieving jag, stealing stuff from around the neighborhood"
Susan: "I’m so sorry."
Lynette: "I know, they抮e being punished. Probably for life. But I needed you to see something. They said they stole it from Mike’s garage. From inside his work bench. Your Mike."
Susan unwraps the cloth Lynette handed her. Inside is a bracelet and ring.
Susan: "So?"
Lynette: "Read the engraving."
Susan turns the bracelet over and sees that it reads "Martha Huber." There are small traces of a reddish substance on the bracelet.
Susan (gasps): "Is that blood?"
Lynette: "I don’t know."
Susan: "What, what does this mean?"
Lynette: "I don’t know."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle walks through her front door, closing her eyes in exhaustion.
"It’s impossible to grasp just how powerful love is..."
Carlos grabs her and lifts her up for a hug, twirling her around.
"...it can sustain us through trying times..."
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Bree's House
Bree opens up the dishwasher, where the handcuffs are sitting. She takes them out, looks them over, and shakes her head. Holding them in her hand, she closes the dishwasher.
"...or motivate us to make extraordinary sacrifices..."
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Outside Paul's House
Paul collects his mail.
"...it can force decent men to commit the darkest deeds..."
As he walks back up to his house, he looks over to Martha Huber's house and sees Felicia picking up the newspaper.
"...or compel ordinary women to search for hidden truths..."
They smile and wave to each other.
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Mrs. McCluskey's House
Mrs. McCluskey takes down the framed photograph of her son to look at it.
"...and long after we抮e gone, love remains burned into our memories."
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Susan's House
Susan looks at the card Mike got her, then stares out her window at his house across the street.
"We all search for love, but some of us, after we found it, wish we hadn’t."
~ The End ~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This spoiler episode was compiled and completed on March 6, 2005 by Amanda Lane (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Royce.
Last Update: April 8, 2005
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.15 - Impossible
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Noah" - Bob Gunton
"Detective Copeland" - Conor O'Farrell
"Detective Sullivan" - Nick Chinlund
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Janie Peterson" - Elizabeth Storm
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Postman" - Nelson Mashita
"Teenage Boy" - Joey Gray
Written by: Marc Cherry & Tom Spezialy
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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Bree’s House
Bree comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry.
"Bree Van De Kamp believed in old-fashioned values. Things like respect for God, the importance of family, and love of country. In fact, Bree believed so strongly in her values, it was always a shock whenever she was confronted with those who didn't."
As she sorts the laundry in front of the washer, she pulls out a condom from the basket.
Moments later, she holds it up in front of Rex, who's paying bills at the dining room table.
Rex: "It's not mine."
Bree: "You promised the cheating had stopped, Rex. You promised."
Rex: "Could we not yell at each other? I'm feeling really lousy today."
Bree: "I want you out of the house!"
Rex: "Bree, look at me. It's not mine."
Bree: "Well, then, whose is it? It didn't just magically appear in my laundry basket."
Rex: "Well, I'm not the only guy in this house that uses that hamper."
He gets up and walks through the kitchen. Bree follows him.
Bree: "No."
Rex: "Sorry."
Bree: "Andrew is still a child."
Rex: "He's sixteen. It's not unheard of."
Bree: "Honey, you have to talk to him."
Rex: "And tell him what?"
Bree: "Tell him that we found his condom and that he is forbidden from - y'know."
Rex: "I can absolutely tell him that we think he's too young, but I don't think it's gonna do any good."
Bree: "Well, then the least we can do is go search his room and if we find any more of these, we'll confiscate them."
Rex: "And that will accomplish what?"
Bree: "Well, if we take away his condoms, maybe--"
Rex: "He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex."
Bree: "Well, we can't put it back in his room. I mean that would be like we're condoning him having pre-marital sex."
Rex: "Bree, let me put this another way. Do you want to become a grandmother?"
Cut to Bree leaving freshly-laundered clothes on Andrew's bed, then leaving his room, passing Andrew in the hallway. Andrew enters in his room.
"Yes, Bree believed in old-fashioned values, but she also believed it was better to be safe than sorry."
Once in his room, Andrew sees the condom conspicuously left on his bed.
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Credits
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"Each new morning in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. Little white lies told not to hurt."
A postman walks past a woman putting a bumper sticker on her car. The woman looks grumpy.
Postman: "Morning Mrs. Cutchel. You look lovely today."
The woman smiles after him.
"...but to make life more pleasant. They tell these lies to protect themselves and their reputations."
The postman thumbs through the small stack of bills marked "Past Due" addressed to the Solis residence as he walks up to Carlos and Gabrielle's house. Carlos walks up the sidewalk to meet him and takes the mail.
Carlos: "Oh, for God sakes, this is unbelievable. It's the last time I do my banking online."
"Of course, every now and then, the day arrives when someone finally decides to tell the truth."
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Bree's House
Susan, Gabrielle, and Bree sit at the dining room table with coffee cups in front of them. Lynette stands in the corner.
Gabrielle: "He was shot? How could you not tell us about this?"
Susan: "He was embarrassed. He said it was an accident. Oh, don't look at me like that. Accidents happen."
Gabrielle: "We know that you want to trust Mike, but he had a dead woman's jewelry in his garage."
Susan: "Now did he? We don't know that for sure. All we know is that Lynette's kids turned up with it."
Bree: "So what are you saying, that the twins murdered Martha?"
Lynette: "Well, I wouldn't put it past them."
Susan: "I'm saying that is about as likely as Mike having done it. He's a good guy. I know him. I mean, he's, he's Mike."
Lynette: "Honestly, I don't think Mike did it either, but if we don't call, we're guilty of withholding evidence."
Bree: "Well, you know what? If he is innocent, this should be a simple matter to clear up."
Gabrielle: "But, we will do whatever you want us to do."
Susan: "Okay, call."
Bree: "So should I just dial nine one one?"
Gabrielle: "Well, it's not really an emergency."
Lynette: "It was a murder."
Bree: "Well, not recently, and I'd prefer not to tie up the line."
Susan: "Will you just call?"
Bree dials the phone.
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Susan's House
There's a knock on the door. Julie answers it. It was Zach.
Zach: "Hey."
Julie: "My mom will be home any minute. She'll freak if she sees you here."
Zach: "Oh, I just wanted to deliver this personally. I'm having a party."
Julie: "You know she doesn't want us to see each other."
Zach: "Well, you gotta come. You're the reason I'm doing this."
Julie: "I'll try to talk to my mom, okay? But you really gotta go."
He turns and walks away.
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle, returning home, is greeted by a young man leaning against his truck.
Justin: "Hey, Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"
Justin: "Yeah, I'm Justin. John's roommate? I've been waiting forever for you to show up."
Gabrielle: "Really, why?"
Justin: "I want to do you a favor."
Gabrielle: "What kind of favor?"
Justin: "Well, John says that you can't exactly afford a gardener right now, and I told him I'd be happy to do it. For free."
Gabrielle: "You want to mow my lawn for free?"
Justin: "Mow your lawn, water your flowers, trim your bushes. I could do everything John did for you."
Gabrielle: "That's very generous of you, but I don't think so."
Justin: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because my husband is home quite a lot these days. If any bush needs trimming, he takes care of it."
Justin: "Well, this is a very beautiful yard. I'm sure it could use a little extra attention."
Gabrielle: "I'm flattered but no thank you."
She starts to walk past, and he grabs her arm, holding on.
Justin: "Mrs. Solis, please."
Gabrielle: "Did I mention why my husband's home a lot? He's under house arrest."
Justin: "Oh?"
Gabrielle: "He has a lot of anger toward the government right now and he's just dying to find someone to take it out on."
He lets go of her arm and she walks briskly towards her front door.
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Lynette's House
Tom enters the house as the boys are playing hockey in the living room.
Tom: "Hey guys, this isn't a hockey rink. Can you take it outside?"
Lynette: "How was your day?"
Tom: "Hey. I didn't get the V.P. gig."
Lynette: "Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry."
Tom: "It just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I'm Peterson's go-to guy, so how does Tim Doogan, the biggest blow-hard in the office get promoted to vice president over me?"
Lynette: "I thought you liked Tim Doogan."
Tom: "I do. I just, I just, I really wanted that promotion. Boys, can you please take the Stanley Cup Finals outside?"
The boys ignore him.
Lynette: "Well, did you tell Mr. Peterson that you wanted the job?"
Tom: "I have worked at that firm for eight and a half years. Doogan's been there for less than two. I am not going to beg."
Lynette: "I'm not saying to beg. You just have to step up from time to time. You have to see your opportunity and take it. Nobody respects a shrinking violet."
Tom: "There is more than one, you know, leadership style. Mine is quiet but effective."
Lynette (shouting at the boys): "Take that racket outside!" (to Tom) "Well, whatever works for ya."
The boys immediately stop playing and head outside.
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Outside Susan's House
Susan is taking groceries out of her car when Mike comes up from behind her.
Mike: "Susan! Hey, sexy, where you been? I called you twice. You avoiding me?"
Susan: "Don't be silly. Why would I do that? No, I've just been really busy grocery shopping."
Mike: "For two days? You must be pretty well stocked."
From behind Mike, police officers come out of unmarked cars and quickly and quietly draw their guns and walk hurriedly towards Mike. Susan notices them and looks worried.
Mike: "How 'bout dinner tonight?"
Susan: "Uh, dinner, tonight?"
Mike: "You okay?"
One of the cops motions with his hand for Susan to get down.
Susan: "Can you hold these a sec?"
She hands the groceries and dives to the ground. Immediately, the cops grab Mike and push him towards Susan's car, handcuff him, and start pulling him away while reading him his rights.
Cop: "Up against the car! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say can be used against you in a court of law..."
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Bree's House
At the dinner table, the four Van De Kamps eat.
Andrew: "So, get this. Zach Young is throwing a pool party Saturday night and he sent out a bunch of formal invitations complete with fancy lettering."
Danielle: "I'm surprised he didn't spritz them with after shave."
Bree: "What is wrong with nice invitations?"
Andrew: "Mom, it's a pool party."
Danielle: "Why couldn't he've just pass out fliers in the quad?"
Andrew: "Because he's genetically incapable of being cool?"
Rex: "So, uh, you going?"
Andrew: "Maybe. I mean, um, Lisa and Justin and some of the guys thought it'd be fun to swim. We can always bail if it's as lame as we think it's gonna be."
Bree: "Is Lisa your friend with the pierced navel?"
Andrew: "Yeah."
Bree: "You've been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't you?"
Andrew: "I guess."
Bree: "Oh, uh, Andrew, I'm gonna want you home by eleven on Saturday."
Andrew: "Eleven? Mom, it's not even a school night."
Rex: "Bree, a curfew isn't gonna do any good."
Bree: "You may be able to abdicate all your parental responsibility but I cannot."
Andrew: "What, what's going on here? Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room?"
Bree: "As a matter of fact it does, and just so we're clear, if you get Lisa pregnant, you will marry her."
Andrew lets out an exasperated laugh.
Bree: "Andrew, this is not funny."
Andrew: "Mom, trust me. This is very funny, mostly because the condom wasn't mine."
Bree stares accusingly at Rex, who in turn stares at Andrew like he knows he's lying.
Andrew turns to Danielle, who, when she catches her father's eye, leans back in her chair and turns to Andrew.
Danielle: "You suck, you know that?"
Bree stares at Danielle, her mouth hanging open in shock.
Later, Bree walks into the kitchen where Danielle is.
Bree: "So obviously we need to talk."
Danielle: "I'm still a virgin if that's what you want to know."
Bree: "Well, good. But why on earth would you need a condom?"
Danielle: "Because I'm planning on having sex and I don't want to get pregnant."
Bree: "Danielle, you are president of the Abstinence Club."
Danielle: "I wasn't planning on running for a second term."
Bree: "Who were you planning on having sex with?"
Danielle: "John."
Bree: "John Rowland? I thought you broke up with him."
Danielle: "No, he broke up with me. And you want to know why? Because I wouldn't do it."
Bree: "Well, if that's the type of boy he is, then good riddance."
Danielle: "Mom, every boy at my school is that type of boy. And besides, it's different with John. I love him."
Bree: "Oh, sweetheart, just because you give a boy sex doesn't mean you'll get love in return."
Danielle: "So maybe I'm being stupid. What's the big deal? It's just sex."
Bree: "Honey, I am looking out for your happiness. Now, I understand what it's like to be young and feel urges, but I waited until I got married, as did your father, and it was so much better."
Danielle: "Daddy ended up cheating on you."
Bree: "Yes. Well -"
Danielle: "And every since he moved back in, you've been miserable."
Bree: "Why would you say that?"
Danielle: "The walls between our bedrooms are paper thin. I hear more stuff than I probably should."
Bree: "Oh."
Danielle: "Look, mom, I love you a lot but you really are the last person to ever give anyone advice about sex and happiness."
She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and walks out of the room.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle picks up the stack of bills and tosses them in front of Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Have you seen these? Five more past due notices."
Carlos: "Don't worry. I'm handling it."
Gabrielle: "How? How are you handling it?"
Carlos: "Can I please finish my sandwich?"
Gabrielle: "Have you seen our checking account lately? We're broke. And then we have the mortgage payment coming up. We have property taxes.."
Carlos: "Gabby, it's going to be okay."
Gabrielle: "No, it's not. We are seriously screwed, and I am freaking out that you're not freaking out."
Carlos: "Look, things will turn around."
Gabrielle: "When?"
Carlos: "I don't know when, but we're lucky people, and we'll be lucky again."
Gabrielle: "What is that?"
Carlos: "It's the lawnmower. We got a new gardener today. It's not going to cost us a cent. The kid's a friend of John's."
Gabrielle: "Carlos--"
Carlos: "And he said that he'd do the lawn for free. Can you believe it? We are lucky people."
Carlos goes back to his sandwich while Gabrielle stands in the doorway, glaring at Justin, who mows the lawn with his shirt off. He sends a triumphant smile her way.
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Baseball Field
A company softball game is in progress. In the dugout, a man walks to position to bat, while others call out his name and he waves to the crowd.
Doogan: "Hey you guys, good to see you again."
Tom sits on the bench, staring after him glumly. Lynette comes up to him and sits down.
Lynette: "Hey! Don't look so glum. You're gonna get a hit."
Tom: "It's not that. This is my hating Tim Doogan look." (in an announcer's voice) "Oh, Doogan connects. Look at the job-stealing bastard run. Doogan is really showing some of the glory-hounding, ass-kissing hustle that he is so well known for."
Lynette: "I forgot how much fun you are when you're bitter."
Tom: "Oh look, he's stretched for extra bases, just like he stretched for extra territory screwing over unsung utility player Tom Scavo."
Doogan trips and falls onto the ground.
Tom: "Oh, down goes Doogan. Doogan goes down. That's gotta hurt. Oh, Lord Hound is tagged out and now he's gonna have to deal with some tough dirt stains, that Tim Doogan."
Lynette: "Tom..."
Several of the players roll Doogan over and begin administering CPR.
Tom: "Oh, no, look. I'm sure he's just grandstanding."
Lynette: "Oh my God."
Tom: "Holy crap."
He runs out onto the field.
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Susan's House
Susan cleans up the dishes from dinner. Julie follows her into the kitchen.
Julie: "It's only a pool party. Everyone's gonna be there."
Susan: "I said no."
Julie: "What are you gonna do? Keep a boy freeze zone around me until I'm eighteen?"
Susan: "You can see boys in a couple years, just not that boy."
Julie: "Why do you hate Zach?"
Susan: "I don't hate Zach. I just think he's sort of crazy."
Julie: "Mom, I've heard people call you sort of crazy."
Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy, and he's rampage crazy."
A knock at the door. Susan opens it.
Detective Copeland: "Susan Mayer?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Detective Copeland: "I'm Detective Copeland. I'm investigating the murder of Martha Huber. I need to talk to you about Mike Delfino."
Later, Susan and Julie sit on the couch while Detective Copeland puts on a pair of glasses and opens up a small notebook.
Detective Copeland: "Do you remember seeing Mr. Delfino on the seventh of last month?"
Susan: "Is the seventh important?"
Detective Copeland: "Well, we believe it was the night that Martha Huber was murdered. She was last seen at the grocery store around nine and then she didn't show up for her dentist appointment the next morning."
Susan: "What day was that?"
Detective Copeland: "It was a Sunday."
Susan: "Oh. Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, I was with Mike that night."
Detective Copeland: "You're sure?"
Susan: "Yes, I was. It was a big night for us, relationship-wise. It was the first time that we..."
Detective Copeland: "The first time you...?"
Julie: "Did it. The first time they did it."
Susan: "Julie!"
Julie: "Well, it was."
Susan: "How did you know?"
Julie: "I'm not clueless. I found men's boxers in the clothes hamper."
Susan: "Oh, don't write that down. Oh, but this is good. You can let Mike go. He's innocent."
Detective Copeland: "Well, assuming everything you're telling me is true."
Julie: "It's true. The next morning she made pancakes in the shape of little hearts. Seriously. Little hearts."
Susan gives her a light slap on the leg.
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Gabrielle's Bedroom
Gabrielle walks into her bedroom from the bathroom, tying a bathrobe around her. She turns around and gasps. Justin stands in the doorway.
Gabrielle: "Justin, what are you doing up here?"
Justin: "Uh, I finished the hedges. Is there anything else Mr. Solis wants done?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know. He's not here. He had a meeting with his lawyer."
Justin: "So, I guess that means we're all alone."
Gabrielle: "No, that means I'm all alone. You're leaving."
Justin: "I'm not in a hurry. C'mon, maybe we could hang out for a little while."
Gabrielle: "I don't think so."
Justin: "C'mon, if you just got to know me, you'd see I can be lots of fun. All my friends say so."
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm not interested in becoming one of your friends. Get out of my bedroom."
Justin: "C'mon, Mrs. Solis, be nice."
He grabs her and leans in for a kiss. She slaps him."
Justin: "You shouldn't have done that."
Gabrielle: "Do you know how easy it would be for me to call my husband and tell him what you just tried to do?"
Justin: "Not as easy as it'd be for me to tell him what happened between you and John. I'm sorry, Mrs. Solis, but you're gonna have to be nice to me, at least once."
She stares at him in confusion as he walks off.
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Outside Mike's House
A police car drops him off and Susan runs to greet him.
Susan: "Mike! Mike, are you okay?"
Mike: "Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a little bit embarrassed. Must be the talk of the neighborhood."
Susan: "No, not really, no. So guess what? I'm your alibi. I told the police that we were together the night that Mrs. Huber was killed and that I could never forget that night."
Mike: "So you don't think I killed Mrs. Huber?"
Susan: "No, no, of course not. I could never think you killed anybody, even I wasn't your alibi, which I am."
Mike: "Okay, I'm, um, I'm gonna go take a shower. Jail is kinda gross. I'll call you later, okay?"
Susan: "Sure. When?"
Mike: "Later, I've just got some stuff I've got to take care of, okay?"
Susan: "Okay."
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John and Justin's Apartment
John opens his door. Bree is standing there.
John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."
Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?"
John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?"
Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."
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Lynette's Place
Tom arrives home.
Tom: "Hey."
Lynette: "Hi. So, what's the word on Tim?"
Tom: "He came through the triple bypass with flying colors."
Lynette: "Thank god."
Tom: "Course, it's not all coming up roses. He's not going to be able to come back to work for four, four and a half months."
Lynette: "Oh."
Tom sits down at the table with a beer, clearly very happy.
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "The company still needs to expand, so I figure they need a fit, heart-smart guy like me to step up, take the ball."
Lynette: "You're going after Tim Doogan's promotion?"
Tom: "No. I already got it. You should've seen me. I walked straight into Peterson's office and I told him he would be a fool to hold Doogan's promotion."
Lynette: "You called your boss a fool?"
Tom: "I did. That was risky in retrospect, but you know what? Still, he gave me the job. Look at me. It's me, I'm the man, I got the whole west coast."
Lynette: "Oh my -- what? What? The whole west coast? I thought you were going after an in-house position."
Tom: "No, no, no. I'm setting up new offices from Seattle to L.A. I, I told you that."
Lynette: "No. No, you didn't."
Tom: "Okay, so it's gonna be a little bit more travel."
Lynette: "More travel? Tom, you're barely here half the time as it is. Now you're going to have -- what, twice the work load?"
Tom: "Honey? Please, don't ruin this."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, but you should have consulted me."
Tom: "I did. You told me to stop being a shrinking violet and to step up."
Lynette: "I thought this was an in-house position."
Tom: "Okay, I'm going to go shower."
Lynette: "Look, wait, wait. I know what this means to you."
Tom: "No, you don't. No, you don't. I am forty-one years old. If I don't make vice president now, it's never gonna happen. This is my career. It's, it's important to me."
Lynette: "So was mine, but I'm here, aren't I?"
Tom: "I'm gonna take the job."
He goes upstairs.
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John and Justin's Apartment
Bree and John sit facing each other in the living room.
Bree: "She said that you broke up with her because she refused to have sex."
John: "Wow. Um, okay, here's the deal. I said that, but it was just an excuse. The truth is, I wasn't that into her."
Bree: "Really?"
John: "And she was always so proud of never having done it, I figured, hey, this is my way out."
Bree: "Well, she feels very passionately about you."
John: "Well, don't get me wrong. She's nice, but the truth is, there's someone else."
Bree: "Oh, are you going steady?"
John: "Not exactly. We were seeing each other pretty regularly but this other lady - girl, she sorta dumped me."
Bree: "Oh, I see."
John: "Well, look. I'll talk to Danielle, and don't worry, I'll let her down gently."
Bree: "Uh, actually, I would prefer if you didn't."
John: "Huh?"
Bree: "I know my daughter. She's very determined, and unless you're really firm with her, she's going to continue to think that there's hope."
John: "Okay. I'll be firm."
Bree: "Better still, be brutal."
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Diner
Mike enters and finds Mr. Shaw eating a big piece of chocolate cake. He sits down at the booth with Mr. Shaw
Mike: "Decided to indulge your sweet tooth, huh?"
Mr. Shaw: "I'll be dead inside a year. I got bigger things to worry about than my waistline. So, who's the woman they think you killed?"
Mike: "Martha Huber, local busybody. I thought her murder was random."
Mr. Shaw: "Nothing random about her jewelry ending up in your garage. Did you kill her?"
Mike: "No. Whoever set me up did a good job, though. The cops are all over me."
Mr. Shaw: "You getting close to something?"
Mike: "If I'm getting close, I don't see it."
Mr. Shaw: "What I'm saying is, people leave trails. One of those trails could lead to Deirdre. Whoever set you up must know that."
Mike: "Yeah, maybe. But I won't be much good to you locked up."
Mr. Shaw: "I'm rich, Mike. One of the best things about being rich is the security of knowing you can buy your way out of any problem. I'm not taking my money to the grave. I'm gonna use it to save your ass."
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John and Justin's Apartment
Justin opens the door. Gabrielle is on the other side.
Justin: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Hello, Justin."
Justin: "What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle: "I am here to talk to your roommate."
Justin: "John? I didn't think you guys talked anymore."
Gabrielle: "Well, now we have something to talk about. You."
Justin: "Me?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, I'm gonna tell him how you're trying to blackmail me into sleeping with you. I wonder how he'll react."
Justin: "Mrs. Solis --"
Gabrielle: "Think he'll get violent?"
Justin: "You can't talk to John about that."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I can, and I will, you little worthless piece of crap."
Justin: "Listen, Mrs. Solis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to blackmail you."
Gabrielle: "Then why did you?"
Justin: "I really needed to sleep with you."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Justin: "Because. I think I might be gay."
Gabrielle: "Oh."
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Tom's Office
The boys come running in, followed by Lynette.
Boys: "Daddy!"
Tom: "What's up?"
Lynette: "Oh, we went out for burgers and the boys knew you wouldn't be home till after, um, bedtime so we decided to pop in and visit the new V.P."
Tom: "Yeah, well, check it out. I finally got an office with a window, huh?"
Lynette: "Yep, it's all about the window."
Tom: "Hey, guys, hey, who wants chair rides?"
Boys: "Me!"
Tom: "C'mon, out this way. Here we go."
Tom and the boys run into the lounge area and begin playing. Lynette watches them from the other side of the glass.
A woman walks into the office and grins at Lynette.
Mrs. Peterson: "Checking out the new executive digs?"
Lynette: "Oh, you know it."
Mrs. Peterson: "Can I tell you a little secret?"
Lynette: "Sure."
Mrs. Peterson: "Dan wanted to hold the promotion over for Tim Doogan and I'm the one that convinced him to give it to Tom."
Lynette: "Really?"
Mrs. Peterson: "Uh-huh. Tom is such a workhorse and he wanted it so badly."
Lynette: "Yeah, he certainly did."
Mrs. Peterson: "What is wrong? Aren't you happy about this promotion?"
"Lynette realized it was in her best interest to lie to the boss's wife."
Lynette: "Well, it's great, obviously. Thank you."
"Provided she wasn't too convincing."
Lynette: "Of course, I mean, I will miss him being gone all the time. He'll be bringing in more money, but he is gonna miss the birthdays, baseball games, first steps. That's the trade-off, right? I just hope one day Tom doesn't look back and regret being gone so much. I better get out there before they break something."
Mrs. Peterson: "Of course, I will see you soon."
Lynette: "Okay."
Mrs. Peterson watches Lynette.
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John and Justin's Apartment
Gabrielle: "So, have you been acting on these feelings?"
Justin: "I got a buddy. We get together, mess around, but it's no big deal. Just lately, I've been starting to, like, care about him and I don't know how to handle it."
Gabrielle: "Wow."
Justin: "Yeah, and I thought if I sleep with somebody like you, I'll know for sure and I can stop freaking out about this."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but why me? You're a good looking kid. Why don't you test drive someone your own age?"
Justin: "Girls talk. If I start something with somebody and it doesn't...work out, everybody at school will find out, and I figured I could trust you because you have husband and all."
Gabrielle: "Well, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way."
Justin: "You know, my buddy and I, we've been messing around for quite a while and, this whole time, I just kept telling myself, it didn't really mean anything. Guess I just been kidding' myself, huh?"
Gabrielle: "We're all in denial about something. But you're finally facing the truth and I think that's sort of brave."
Justin: "Thanks."
Gabrielle: "I should probably go."
Justin: "Uh, just so you know, I never would have told Mr. Solis about you and John. I may be gay, but I'm not a jerk."
She walks up to him and kisses him passionately.
Gabrielle: "Did you feel anything?"
Justin: "Not really."
Gabrielle: "Definitely gay."
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Susan's House, nighttime
Susan answers a knock at the door while Julie does her homework at the kitchen table.
Susan: "Hi."
Detective Copeland: "Hi. I'm sorry to bother you at night, Miss Mayer, but I was hoping that maybe you could come down to the station with me, uh, just answer a few more questions."
Susan: "Now? Well, I'm, I'm sorry, my daughter and I were going to go see a movie tonight."
As Susan and Detective Copeland talk, Julie looks out the kitchen window across the street to where Zach's party is.
Julie: "Mom? we can do it another night. I'll be fine."
Susan: "Uh, let me get my purse."
Detective Copeland: "Great."
Susan: "Are you sure?"
Julie: "Yeah."
Susan: "I'm sure I won't be late. Bye."
Julie: Bye."
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Police Interrogation Room
Susan sits at a small table. Detective Copeland sits down across from her, next to a video camera that's trained on Susan's face.
Behind a two-way mirror, a dark-haired man watches the two of them in the room.
Detective Copeland: "You said that Mike came to your house around ten p.m. on the night of the seventh?"
Susan: "Um, am I supposed to talk into the camera?"
Detective Copeland: "No, no, just talk to me."
Susan: "Okay. Uh, yes. He came over around ten o'clock."
Detective Copeland: "Do you know of any tension between Mike and Martha Huber?"
Susan: "No."
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware that Mike was shot recently?"
Susan: "Yes, on Valentine's Day."
Detective Copeland: "And do you know how it came about?"
Susan: "He dropped his gun, cleaning it."
Detective Copeland: "Miss Mayer, with all due respect, I've been working around guns for years. I've never seen one discharge when it hits the ground. Someone has to pull the trigger."
Susan: "Well, I wouldn't know about that."
Detective Copeland: "Were you aware there was a home invasion, uh, three blocks from you on Pine Avenue, the day before Valentines?"
Susan: "No."
Detective Copeland: "The intruder was shot in the stomach. Where was Mike's wound?"
Susan: "The stomach."
Detective Copeland: "Do you love him?"
Susan: "What? What does that have to do with -"
Detective Copeland: "It's just sometimes people do stupid things when they're in love. I should know. I've been married four times. Tell me the truth. He wasn't with you that night, was he? He asked you to lie for him, didn't he?"
Susan: "No, he didn't. He was with me and Mike wouldn't kill anybody. I'm sure of that."
Detective Copeland stands up and picks up a nearby file folder. He puts on his reading glasses, opens the thick folder, puts it on the table, sits down, and reads out loud.
Detective Copeland: "Mike Delfino. Convicted nineteen eighty seven, did five and a half years for drug trafficking and manslaughter."
He turns the folder around towards Susan so she can see Mike's fingerprints and mug shots.
Detective Copeland: "You want a coffee. I'm gonna go for coffee."
She looks up and shakes her head.
He steps through the door that has the two-way mirror on it and stands with the other man.
Detective Copeland: "So is she covering for her guy?"
Man: "Nah, she's just a sucker."
On the video camera, Susan looks shocked as she looks through the folder.
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Zach's Party
Danielle and Julie enter. The party is in full swing, with lots of kids around.
Julie: "I guess no one's in the pool yet. Are you gonna swim?"
Danielle: "Please. I just spent an hour blowing out my hair."
She sees John sitting alone on the couch.
Danielle: "I'll, I'll see you later, okay?"
Julie: "Okay."
Danielle joins John on the sofa, and gives him a quick kiss near his mouth. Subtly, he pulls slightly away as she kisses him.
Danielle: "Hey, I've got a surprise for you. You want to go somewhere and talk?"
John: "Yeah. We should talk."
They get up. Zach comes in from the kitchen.
Zach: "Hi, you made it."
Julie: "Andrew's here. I didn't think he'd come."
Zach: "Yeah, he brought a lot of friends. They're acting like total jerks. Alert the media. I don't care. You're here now. This is gonna be great."
In the pool area, a couple of kids are in the water, but most are hanging around by the pool.
From one of the entrances out into the pool area, Danielle enters. John rushes after her.
John: "Danielle!"
Danielle: "Don't touch me!"
John stops and Danielle rushes off.
Andrew and another guy pick up a lawn chair with another boy in it and throw it and the boy into the pool.
Zach and Julie, sitting on another lawn chair, watch.
Zach: "Can you possibly take it easy?"
Andrew: "It's cool, man. Look, he floats. Relax, it's a party. You're the main party animal, right? Am I right?"
Zach: "I guess."
Andrew: "All right. Well, then act like it. C'mon, give me a howl. C'mon, you're the host. Revel in it. Give me a howl. (howls) Awooo!"
Zach (feebly): "Woo!"
Several kids standing nearby laugh and Andrew chuckles, then slaps Zach on the back before walking off.
Andrew: "There you go."
Julie: "You okay?"
Zach: "What do I care? He's nothing. I could take care of him if I wanted to."
Julie: "What do you mean?"
Zach: "I know where my mom kept her gun."
He holds up his hand, pointing his index and middle fingers at Zach as though his hand were a gun, and pretends to aim and shoot Andrew.
Zach (quietly): "Pow."
Julie: "That's not funny, Zach."
Zach: "Well, if you think about it, yeah, it kind of is."
Julie begins to leave.
Zach: "Julie!"
Outside, Danielle stands crying by the mailbox. Julie comes up to her.
Julie: "Hey, Danielle. Are you okay?"
Danielle: "I just want to go home. Can we go?"
Julie: "Sure."
They start walking when Zach runs out of the house after them.
Zach: "Julie!"
Julie: "I'm taking Danielle home."
Zach: "Are you coming back?"
Julie: "I don't think so."
They keep walking. Zach looks at the house, then turns and starts running in the opposite direction from Julie and Danielle.
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Lynette's Bedroom
She gets into bed where Tom is reading.
Tom: "So how was that P.T.A. meeting?"
Lynette: "Long."
Tom: "So Peterson called me into his office today."
Lynette: "Really?"
Tom: "Yeah, he, uh, changed his mind. He's gonna hold that promotion for Doogan."
Lynette: "Oh."
Tom: "Yeah, it's, it's fine. Y'know, I'm glad, really. Having to work all those long hours and you know how I hate flying, it just does, you know horrible things for my back. God, with all that extra stress, I'd have ended up exactly like Tim Doogan ten years from now, so."
Lynette: "Yeah, of course."
Tom: "So, it's, it's over."
Lynette: "Look, you're gonna make vice president one of these days."
Tom: "It's okay. Honest. I am really glad it worked out this way."
Lynette: "Okay."
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Susan's House, nighttime
A police car drops her off in front of her house. As she walks towards her front door, Mike comes up behind her.
Susan: "Oh, God, you scared me."
Mike: "How'd it go?"
Susan: "It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking."
Mike: "Susan..."
Susan: "How could you? God, 'Susan do you trust me?' Yes, of course I do. Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there."
Mike: "Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--"
Susan: "Stop! Stop Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever."
She goes into her house and shuts the door. She leans against it and starts crying. Pushing herself away from the door, she starts towards the stairs.
Susan: "Julie? Mommy needs a hug. Julie?"
She turns and sees the unfinished homework on the table. Looking out the window, she sees the party scene across the street. She marches over. A couple of boys stand outside and Susan passes by them on the way inside Paul's house.
Susan: "Is Julie in there? Julie Mayer?"
Boy: "I dunno. It's pretty dead in there."
She walks into the living room, which is empty, and then into the pool area, which is completely vacant, except for two people kissing passionately at the far end of the pool.
Susan: "Julie Alexandra Mayer!"
There's a small splash as the two people duck underneath the water.
Susan: "Oh, Julie, Zach, this is ridiculous. You can't hold your breath forever."
Her feet get tangled in something on the ground. She untangles herself and realizes she was trapped in a pair of men's boxers. Holding them up in front of her, she glares furiously at the two submerged bodies in the water.
Susan: "Oh, you might as well just stay under there and never come up for air because when you do, I'm gonna choke the living daylights out of you."
One person emerges and Susan sees that it's Justin.
Susan: "Oh, um, is my daughter under there?"
Justin shakes his head, and the other person in the pool emerges, taking a deep breath of air. It's Andrew.
Susan: "Oh."
Andrew: "I'm not, I'm not gay."
Susan: "Oh, I, okay, I'm, I'm sorry. Uh, I'll just, I'm just gonna leave those right there."
Susan begins leaving the pool area, but in her haste and surprise, trips over everything in her path. Andrew and Justin just watch her as she hurries out of the area.
Susan: "Oh! I'm fine, it's good, you just, you know, uh, did, did you see - no! Oh, good bye!"
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos: "Sell the house. Are you crazy?"
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we can't afford to live here anymore."
Carlos: "But if our lawyer gets the Justice Department to unfreeze the bank accounts then--"
Gabrielle: "Then what? Huh? Finish the sentence, Carlos. We've tons of legal bills, you've lost all your clients and even with our savings, we're screwed."
Carlos: "But, it's our house."
Gabrielle: "Honey, I know. I love this place, too. It's just, I think it's time for us to face the music."
He walks out to the front porch. She follows.
Carlos: "I never thought I'd be poor at this stage of my life."
Gabrielle: "You know, Carlos, I've been broke a lot of times in my life. But, I've never been poor, because poor is just a state of mind, and right now you and I are just..."
Carlos: "Without funds?"
Gabrielle: "Exactly."
Carlos: "I guess we could get an apartment. Start over."
Gabrielle: "Who knows? It might even be fun."
Carlos: "And once we're back on our feet, we'll get a house as big as this one."
Gabrielle: "Bigger."
They kiss and turn to look at their house.
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Diner
Mr. Shaw sits at a booth across from a man whose face isn't visible right away.
Man: "So I get my wife this dog for her birthday. A stray, from the pound. The cheapest gift I'd ever gotten her and she loves it, so I'm a genius, right? Then, I find out it's got this weird blood disease. Now I'm laying out six hundred dollars a month for doggie medicine for this mutt and I'm a genius, right?"
Mr. Shaw: "Don't be cynical. You did something nice, made your wife happy. Now, let's talk about what's gonna make you happy."
The man is shown and we see it's the second detective from the police station.
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"Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves before we fall asleep."
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Bree's House
"We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy..."
Rex and Bree lie in bed. Rex is sleeping while Bree is awake. She looks over at Rex.
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Lynette's House
"...or that he's happy..."
Tom and Lynette lie in bed. Tom is sleeping while Lynette is awake. She looks over at him.
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John and Justin's Apartment
"...that we can change..."
Justin props himself up on his elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.
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Bree's House
"...or that he will change his mind."
Danielle props herself up on her elbow in bed, staring into the darkness.
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Mike's House
"We persuade ourselves we can live with our sins..."
Mike lies in bed, awake. He turns over, away from the camera.
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Susan's House
"...or that we can live without him."
Susan rolls over, facing the camera, tears glistening on her face.
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Outside Susan's House
The nighttime slowly fades to daybreak.
"Yes. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that, come morning, it will all be true."
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.16 - The Ladies Who Lunch
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Maisy Gibbons" - Sharon Lawrence
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Tammy Brennan" - Lisa Darr
"Headmaster Lenz" - Harry S. Murphy
"Nurse Abigail" - Mary-Pat Green
"Tishaa Atherton" - Jill Brennan
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Borwn
"Undercover Cop" - Glenn Taranto
"Mona Clark" - Maria Cominis
"Country Club Maitre D'" - Joshua Finkel
"Gossipy Woman" - Heather Lee
"Crossing Guard" - Sara Van Horn
"Shooting Neighbor" - Cheyenne Wilbur
"Cable Guy" - Matthew Stephen Young
Written by: Alexandra Cunningham
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
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"Throughout even the most respectable of neighborhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal..."
Ida Greenberg picks up a newspaper from a front walk and looks around guiltily. Then she sneaks quickly back to her own house while Bree comes out her house, holding a coffee cup.
"Some scandals announce themselves with a shout..."
Bree: "Ida! Ida Greenberg,that is not your paper!"
Cut to Tom signing a paper on a clipboard while a cable guy stands next to him.
"Some with a whisper..."
Cable Guy: "Throw me a $20, and I'll hook you up with free porn."
Tom glances back at the house, then looks at the cable guy.
Cut to kids toilet-papering a house. They've covered nearly the entire front of the house when a man comes outside holding a shotgun.
"And some with bang."
Man: "Get the hell off my lawn!"
He shoots the gun up into the air as the kids scatter.
Cut to Maisy Gibbons' house. Wearing sexy lingerie, she leads a gray-haired man up the stairs and into the bedroom.
"And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid, its roar drowns out all other noise."
Man: "So your husband -- does he have any idea how many men pay for the privilege of sleeping in this bed?"
He hands her some money and she tucks it away into a small box by the bed.
Maisy: "There's not a lot of sleeping going on - not if I'm doing my job right. So how do you want to get started?"
He pulls out handcuffs and holds them up.
Man: "With these."
Maisy: "Well! That's going to cost you extra."
Man: "Maisy Gibbons, you're under arrest for solicitation."
Maisy: "What?"
Man: "Please turn and place your hands on the bed."
Maisy: "I'm sorry. I'm -- I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Now."
He grabs her and forces her face down on the bed, putting the handcuffs on her.
Maisy: "Hey! Aah! You get off me!"
The man leads Maisy outside, where a handful of cops wait by a couple of squad cars.
Maisy: "This is entrapment."
Man: "Right."
Maisy: "You all are making a gigantic mistake."
Man: "Yeah, yeah. Hey, fellas, here's one for your memoirs."
Maisy breaks away from him and begins running down the sidewalk. The cops chase after her and when she trips and falls on her face, they pick her up, holding her off of the ground as she screams and shouts at them. Neighbors stand around, watching.
"Yes, the scandalous arrest of Maisy Gibbons would soon prove to be the shot heard 'round the world."
One of the neighbors watching pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.
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Credits
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Maisy is forced into the back of a cop car and the cops get into the front seat. She stares out the window.
"It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news moves quite a bit faster."
The woman who pulled out her cell phone earlier dials a number.
Woman: "Tisha? Hey. You are not going to believe this. Maisy Gibbons was arrested."
Tisha: "You cannot be serious."
The news travels very quickly throughout the neighborhood.
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Barcliff Academy
The crossing guard walks distractedly across the street, on her cell phone.
Crossing Guard: "Maisy Gibbons running in handcuffs? I'd've killed to see that!"
She walks past Lynette's car. Lynette turns to Parker, sitting in the back seat.
Lynette: "I'll be right back."
She walks up to the front of the school, where some mothers are standing and a school official is talking to them.
Headmaster Lenz: "Ladies, please calm down, ma'am. This is just a precaution. If you'll just take a flyer..."
Lynette walks up to two other women, Tammy and Mona.
Lynette: "Hey, guys. What's going on?"
Tammy: "Oh, there's been an outbreak of head lice."
Lynette: "Head lice."
Headmaster Lenz: "These flyers detail all the important information concerning the situation, including the recommended delousing combs."
Tammy: "Delousing? Do they have to make it sound so disgusting?"
Mona: "Does anybody know where it started?"
Headmaster Lenz: "I'm sorry. That's confidential information. Barcliff maintains a strict no-blame policy."
Preston and Porter walk out of the school and Lynette waves to them.
Lynette: "Hey, guys, over here."
Mona: "I think parents have a right to know who brought this into our school."
As the boys walk toward her, they both begin scratching their heads.
Headmaster Lenz: "Please calm down, ma'am. Our position is that there's nothing to be gained by pointing fingers."
Tammy notices Lynette's intense gaze at her children and turns to see what she's looking at.
Headmaster Lenz: "To identify the child who initiated the outbreak might result in him or her being subjected to ridicule."
Tammy sees the twins scratching and turns a meaningful gaze onto Mona, who catches sight of them as well. Lynette, distracted, keeps her eyes on her boys.
Lynette: "I, um, excuse me."
Headmaster Lenz: "If you'll just take a flyer..."
Lynette: "Stop scratching. Stop scratching. Now, now, stop it. Guys, let's go, okay? Stop scratching. I mean it. Stop, stop."
Lynette: "Hey. See you later."
Tammy and Mona: "Bye."
They watch Lynette and her boys walk away from them.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is in the shower when Carlos walks into the bathroom. He sips from a cup of coffee and looks down at the sink, which is slowly filling up, from the drain, with brown-colored liquid.
Carlos: "What the hell? Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "Hey, Gabrielle! I think we got a problem here!"
Gabrielle: "I can't hear you!"
Carlos: "I said, I think we got a problem! The water's backing up here!"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos (to himself): "Is that sewage?"
Gabrielle starts screaming from the shower.
Carlos: "Yeah, that's sewage."
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Outside Gabrielle's House
Carlos and Gabrielle stand next to a large hole that Mike dug in their front yard. Mike stands in the hole.
Gabrielle: "So, uh, Mike. The suspense is killing us. Why don't you just tell us the bad news?"
Mike: "Well, your outtake pipe's completely corroded. That's why it collapsed. I'm gonna have to tear it out and repipe the whole system."
Gabrielle: "And how much is this gonna cost?"
Mike: "I'll do the job for you at cost, but you're still looking at six, seven grand, minimum."
Gabrielle looks at Carlos and he clears his throat quietly.
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, we'll let you know."
Mike: "Look, um...if money's an issue..."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, no, it's not the money. It's just, uh, Carlos and I are trying to prioritize some little things we need to do around the house."
Mike: "Right. And, uh, you don't consider sewage backing up in the house a priority?"
Gabrielle: "It's definitely on the short list."
Mike: "I'm kind of surprised you called me."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Mike: "Well, um, ever since my arrest, nobody around here seems to want to have much to do with me."
Carlos chuckles and lifts a leg slightly, showing Mike the detector that's around his ankle.
Carlos: "Innocent until proven guilty, my man."
They turn and walk back into the house.
Gabrielle: "Hope he's more innocent than you are."
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Susan's House
Susan pushes the Play button on her answering machine.
Lynette's Voice: "Hey, it's Lynette. I know you're down about this Mike thing, but you got to come to poker. It'll be worth it. I got dirt on Maisy Gibbons."
The machine goes to the next message.
Mike's Voice: "Hey, Susan, it's me. Look, I really wish you'd return my calls. We need to talk. I know I messed things --"
Susan pushes the Erase button, cutting him off.
Julie: "You okay?"
Susan: "Hi."
Julie: "You know, I can stay home if you want."
Susan: "No, no, no. Now, I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend with your dad. I'm fine."
Julie: "You don't look fine."
Susan: "Well...I'm a little sad. Mike and I were just a fling. And not even a full fling. Sort of a borderline fling."
Julie: "Mom, anyone can see how much you loved him."
Susan: "Well, I also loved junk food, and I gave that up, and I survived."
A horn honks from outside.
Susan: "There's your father. Go have fun."
Julie: "Last chance. You're sure?"
Susan: "I'm sure. Now go."
Julie: "You'll find someone else, mom. Someone great. I know it."
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Fairview Country Club
Rex and Bree sit at a table eating lunch.
Bree: "What's wrong, Rex? Didn't you enjoy your golf game with Dr. Wallace?"
Rex: "I didn't play. I'm still feeling sluggish."
Bree: "Still? Did you talk to him about that?"
Rex: "Yeah, of course. He doesn't understand why the medication isn't working, and he wants me to come in for a checkup tomorrow."
Some women laughing at the next table cause the two of them to turn and look. Tisha walks away from that table and heads to another one.
Bree: "I can see that Tisha is making the rounds. She must have some juicy new anecdote."
Rex: "Then, get her over here. I could use a funny story today."
Bree: "Tisha. Tisha. Oh, I can tell by that look on your face you've got something good. Now, come on, don't be selfish."
Tisha: "Well, first off, you're not friends with Maisy Gibbons, are you?"
There's a short pause as Rex and Bree stare at each other before Bree turns back to Tisha.
Bree: "No."
Tisha: "Thank god, because this is too good. Maisy was arrested. While Harold was at work, she was having sex with men in her house for money. Can you imagine?"
Bree: "No, I can't."
Tisha: "And that's not even the best part. Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names."
Rex: "So, uh...you think that'll get out?"
Tisha: "Of course. These things always do. Nancy, wait up. I can't wait to tell you this. Wait, wait."
She rushes off.
Bree: "Well, you heard your funny story, Rex. Why aren't you laughing?"
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom stand over a twin, combing out any and all lice that they find. The telephone rings.
Tom: "I'll get it."
He quickly tosses a louse into a cup of water on the table and picks up the phone. One of the twins reaches for the glass.
Lynette: "Aah, aah, aah."
Tom: "Hello. Hi, Tammy, yeah."
Twin: "Can we see one of the bugs?"
Lynette: "Yeah, here. See? It's this little white thing. Look. It looks like a --"
She sees that the twin she had been working on took the tweezers and clamped them on his face.
Lynette: "Aw, jeez. (she removes the tweezers) It looks like a sesame seed."
Twin: "That's cool."
Lynette: "Yeah, well, there's lots more where that came from."
Tom: "No, I'm -- I'm so sorry. He must be so disappointed. But, look, we'll get all the boys together once Topher's back on his feet. Bye."
Lynette: "What'd Tammy want?"
Tom: "She's canceling Topher's birthday party on Sunday. He's come down with the measles, so..."
Twin: "Aww!"
Lynette: "Measles, huh?"
Tom: "Yeah. What?"
Lynette: "Tammy Brennan spent a fortune on Topher's party. She'd call in specialists from Switzerland before she'd let it be canceled."
Tom: "Okay. Why would Tammy lie to us?"
Lynette: "Because she saw Porter scratching his head at school. They all did, and now word's getting around."
Tom: "Why is everything a conspiracy theory with you? I mean, lots of kids get lice. It's not that big a deal."
Lynette: "Well, it is for the rich bee-eye-tee-see-atch's..."
Tom looks exasperated as he quickly covers the ears of the twin he's working on.
Lynette: "...at Barcliff Academy."
Tom: "Lynette."
Lynette: "It's been one day, and they've been disinvited to a birthday party. If rumors start flying, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye."
Twin: "Uh-oh."
Lynette: "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?"
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Paul's House
Edie hands Paul a folder with papers in it.
Edie: "It's all here. Appraisal, title search, and escrow documents. "
Paul: "Again, I'm sorry about changing my mind, but this just isn't really a good time to sell the house. Zach's going through a lot, and he wants to finish high school before moving."
Edie: "Ah, forget it. It's part of the business. I expect to get screwed over."
As they walk down the sidewalk towards Edie's car, she opens her briefcase.
Edie: "Now, where is your house key? Oh, I must have left it at home. I'll bring it by tonight."
Paul: "No one will be here. Zach's away on a school trip, and I'm going to Mount Pleasant on business today. Just, uh, drop it by tomorrow."
Edie: "Or I could just keep it."
Paul: "What?"
Edie: "It's a joke, Paul. I know your wife's dead and all, but it's been six months. Lighten up."
She walks to her car and Felicia comes down the sidewalk towards them.
Felicia: "Hello."
Paul: "Felicia."
Edie: "Oh, hi, Felicia."
Felicia: "Edie, I found this in my sister's things. It has your name on it."
Edie (gasps): "My necklace. Oh, you know...I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another."
Paul: "So, Felicia. I heard they have a suspect in your sister's murder. Mike Delfino."
Felicia: "Oh, he didn't kill her."
Paul: "But they found her jewelry in his garage."
Felicia: "But his fingerprints weren't on any of it."
Paul: "Well, that just means he wore gloves."
Felicia: "So, he's smart enough to use gloves, but he leaves her blood-spattered jewelry lying around for anyone to find? Please. Is that what you'd do if you killed someone?"
Paul: "I don't know what goes through the mind of a murderer. I'm just saying I wouldn't trust him if I were you."
Edie finishes putting the necklace around her neck and after a moment of staring thoughtfully at Paul, Felicia turns to her.
Felicia: "Edie...that is lovely. Is it an antique?"
Edie: "Yeah, I think so."
Felicia: "You know, I know a store you would love. It specializes in antique jewelry. It's in Salt Lake City. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City?"
Edie: "No, I try to steer clear of Utah. It's a little too...conservative for me."
Felicia: "Too bad. Have you ever been, Paul?"
Paul: "No."
Felicia: "It's lovely. I used to live there when I was a nurse. You should definitely go sometime."
She chuckles.
Felicia: "Bye."
She leaves, with Paul and Edie staring after her.
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Lynette's House, bathroom
Gabrielle hurriedly brushes her teeth. A little later, she uses a washcloth to give herself a quick sponge bath on her arms and neck. After making herself look presentable, she takes the washcloth she was using and tosses it to the side.
"With no indoor plumbing, Gabrielle was now forced to improvise when it came to her personal hygiene wherever and whenever she had the opportunity."
A few minutes later, she enters Lynette's kitchen and sits down at the table, where she picks up her cards and reaches for some food in the center of the table.
Gabrielle: "Ahem. Sorry."
Edie: "That's okay. I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."
Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue."
Edie: "Well, I hear from a very reliable source that Maisy's gonna cut a deal with the prosecution. Apparently, she has some high-profile johns, and the D.A.'s looking for a second term."
Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex."
Gabrielle: "Obviously, someone who's not getting it at home."
Edie: "So, the upshot is Maisy is going to turn over her little black book with all of her clients' names."
Lynette: "Really."
Edie: "Yep. I mean, can you imagine the fallout when this goes public? Ooh, blood on the walls."
Gabrielle: "I'm all in."
Lynette: "I'll call. Bree? "
Bree: "Uh, what just happened?"
Lynette: "The stakes were raised."
Bree: "Yes, yes, they were. I fold."
Later, Lynette cleans up while Edie sits at the table, organizing the chips she won.
Lynette: "I can't believe how lucky you were today."
Edie: "Luck had nothing to do with it. I had crappy cards. I was bluffing the entire time."
Lynette: "Really? Wow, you're good."
Edie: "Oh, that's the only nice thing I could say about my first husband -- he taught me how to bluff."
Lynette: "He played poker?"
Edie: "No, he was lousy in bed. I had to fake a lot of orgasms. You don't have to respond."
Lynette: "Thank you."
Edie: "So, uh, where was Susan today?"
Lynette: "Um, I'm not sure."
Edie: "Wow! Tom must be great in bed."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Edie: "Well, obviously, you have no idea how to bluff."
Lynette: "Okay. She's going through something, and I'm sure she'd prefer it to be private."
Edie: "She's upset with Mike, isn't she? Well, come on. I'm gonna find out sooner or later."
Lynette: "She's devastated about the breakup, and she hasn't left the house in days."
Edie: "Well, why didn't you just tell me that?"
Lynette: "Because it's personal. It's the kind of thing she would only want me to tell her friends."
Edie: "I'm Susan's friend. Well, I don't hate her."
Lynette: "Edie, if you want me to share stuff with you, you're gonna have to start being more supportive of Susan."
Edie: "Okay. How?"
Lynette: "What do friends do? They call, they're sympathetic, they ask about the pain the other person is going through, and then they listen."
Edie: "What if you want to be supportive, but you just can't stand listening to people bitch?"
Lynette: "Then it's good to know how to bluff."
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Paul's House
Paul opens up a box that has a large jumble of video tapes in it. He roots through it until he finds one labeled "Utah - Angela's Award Party." He goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. On it, Mary Alice is with a group of people at work. She hands out napkins, grinning, as they all offer congratulations to her.
Paul, watching, smiles. Mary Alice holds up a plaque to the camera that reads "Wake Forrest Employee of the Year." The camera pulls back and pans slightly to the left, where a younger-looking Felicia is standing next to Mary Alice, smiling as she looks at the plaque. Paul quickly pauses the videotape and it stops on Felicia's face as she congratulates Mary Alice.
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Gabrielle's House, backyard
Sitting by the jacuzzi, Gabrielle and Carlos perform their ablutions. Carlos, wearing only pants, is shaving, using a small mirror to see himself, and Gabrielle, wearing a bikini, shaves her legs, using the jacuzzi to wash the razor.
Gabrielle: "God, I have to go to the bathroom again."
Carlos: "Go to Bree's."
Gabrielle: "I've been to Bree's twice today."
Carlos: "Then go to Susan's."
Gabrielle: "I hate Susan's. She has all these weird scented candles. Her house reeks of apricot. Hose."
Carlos turns the hose on her legs and she shrieks slightly when the water hits her.
Carlos: "How about Lynette's?"
Gabrielle: "No, you don't understand. I don't want to go to anybody's house anymore. I'm tired of knocking on doors and making up excuses as to why we haven't fixed our plumbing."
Carlos: "Why are you yelling at me?"
Gabrielle: "Because it's your fault."
Carlos: "My fault?"
Gabrielle: "Yes. If you hadn't gotten yourself indicted, we would have pipes right now."
Carlos: "I got indicted trying to make enough money to keep you happy. In case you hadn't noticed, you're a little materialistic."
Gabrielle: "Oh, I'm materialistic? When the Johnson's bought their new 7-series, you were the one who went right in and traded in his car for something better."
Carlos: "Who ended up driving it?"
Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself and then dumps a small load of laundry into the jacuzzi.
Gabrielle: "You know what? I don't have time to fight right now. I have laundry to do."
She turns on the jacuzzi so that bubbles are released into the water, swishing the clothing around. She stalks off.
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Barcliff Academy
Lynette comes up to a closed nurse's office in the school. She opens the door and peeks her head in.
Lynette: "Nurse Abigail?"
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, right? The twins' mother?"
Lynette: "I just wanted to tell you that the boys are now lice-free."
Nurse Abigail: "Good to hear."
Lynette steps fully into the office and closes the door behind her.
Lynette: "I just can't figure out how it happened. They get a bath every night. Trust me, it's the ugliest 15 minutes of the day."
Nurse Abigail: "I believe you."
Lynette: "I keep thinking that maybe it was the petting zoo that I took them to last week. That llama was really iffy."
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo, it doesn't work that way. Lice only spreads from human to human. Even the cleanest kid in the world can get it if he gets too close to the wrong kid."
Lynette: "Really?"
Nurse Abigail: "Yes. So don't be so hard on yourself, huh?"
Lynette: "I guess. Still, I can't help but feel a little guilty. After all, my kids started an entire lice outbreak."
Nurse Abigail: "Look, your, uh, your kids didn't start it."
Lynette: "They didn't?"
Nurse Abigail: "No. I know for a fact that patient zero was another little boy. This is his fourth time with this particular problem."
Lynette: "Oh. That is a load off my mind. Well, thank you."
She heads back towards the door, then turns around.
Lynette: "So which kid is it?"
Nurse Abigail: "I can't tell you. You know we have a no-blame policy. We have to protect the children. You understand."
Lynette: "Of course."
She turns to the door, then turns back around.
Lynette: "No, I don't. You're going to have to give me a name."
Nurse Abigail: "Mrs. Scavo --"
Lynette: "Here's the thing. Acting like parents won't assign blame is like pretending they don't keep score at pee-wee league games. It's human nature. If you don't give the moms someone to blame, they'll pick a scapegoat. I can't let my boys be the scapegoat."
Nurse Abigail: "Please don't put me in this position."
Lynette: "I'm begging you. They've already been uninvited from a birthday party, a really big birthday party with a bouncy house and a hot dog stand and a clown."
Nurse Abigail: "I wish I could help you, but --"
Lynette: "For god's sakes, there's gonna be a magician. Tammy Brennan went all out."
Nurse Abigail: "Tammy Brennan? Topher's mother?"
Lynette: "Yes."
Nurse Abigail: "Well, isn't that interesting. Have a seat."
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Fairview County Prison
A buzzer sounds and Maisy Gibbons, in orange prison scrubs, is led into a room where prisoners meet with visitors.
"Meanwhile, at the Fairview County Prison, Maisy Gibbons was delighted to find out she had a visitor, but she was soon reminded one should always beware of visitors bearing gift baskets."
The visitor's door opens and a close up of a decorated gift basket being held is shown.
Maisy: "You've got to be kidding me."
Bree: "Hello, Maisy."
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Wisteria Lane
Gabrielle jogs down the street. She slows when she sees a construction site, with men working, and a Port-a-Potty sitting there. She smiles.
Later, the construction workers get in their truck and leave and Gabrielle, hiding behind a large tool box, stands up. She goes over to the Port-a-Potty and pushes it off of its ramp.
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Gabrielle's Backyard
A large drop cloth covers the Port-a-Potty. With Carlos watching, Gabrielle whips the cloth off to review the bathroom.
Gabrielle: "Ta-da!"
Carlos: "Stuff like this is why I love you."
He kisses her, then goes into the Port-a-Potty. As Gabrielle walks away, the red "Occupied" sign flips on.
Maisy: "So...what brings you here?"
Bree: "I need a favor."
Maisy: "I thought as much."
Bree: "I heard that there is a, um, little black book with the names of your clients in it."
Maisy: "There is."
Bree: "I was wondering if, perhaps, you could remove Rex's name from that little book."
Maisy: "Wow, that's a big favor. Those muffins better be really good."
Bree: "I have some money that I've been putting aside for emergencies. It can be all yours if you just..."
Maisy: "Keep my mouth shut?"
Bree: "Continue to be discreet."
Maisy: "Gosh. I don't know."
Bree: "I don't think it's asking that much. All you need to do is remove one little name."
Maisy: "But if I do it for you, then I have to do it for all the other wives. That wouldn't be fair, now, would it?"
Bree: "Maisy, please. I mean, we used to be good friends."
Maisy: "Ah. Where were you when Harold lost his job a year ago, huh? Did you stop by to see if there was anything that you could do? Did you bring a big basket of baked goods when you knew we couldn't even pay our bills? If you did, those displays of friendship seem to have slipped my mind."
Bree: "Maisy, I didn't mention it when you were having financial troubles because I thought it would embarrass you."
Maisy: "Yes, I would have been embarrassed, but it would have been a whole lot better than the silence."
Bree: "I have fourteen thousand dollars in that account. It can all be yours."
Maisy: "I'm not interested. But you do get credit for one thing. You came to visit me, even if it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore."
Bree: "Oh, sweetie. They didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with."
She starts to leave, then stops, turns back to the table, and picks up the basket of muffins.
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Susan's House
There's a knock on the door as Susan sits on her living room floor, going through decorative boxes.
Susan: "Who is it?"
Edie: "It's Edie!"
Susan: "Oh, Edie, not now. I'm kind of busy."
Edie walks into the living room.
Edie: "Hi."
Susan: "Or just come on in."
Edie: "What are you doing?"
Susan: "I decided that my life is way too complicated, and so I'm simplifying. I am getting rid of the clutter."
She puts on an orange and lace hat and turns to face Edie.
Edie: "Ooh."
Susan: "I was on vacation. Made sense at the time. Okay, not to be rude, but is there a reason you're here?"
Edie: "Look, I'm feeling badly about what you're going through with Mike. And don't worry. I'm not going to date him."
Susan: "Doesn't matter anymore."
Edie: "Well, don't get me wrong. I still have every intention of sleeping with him. Some mountains are just meant to be climbed."
Susan: "I got to learn to keep my doors locked."
Edie: "How long have you been sitting here?"
Susan: "I don't know. Five minutes, give or take three hours."
Edie: "That's it. Get up. Get dressed."
Susan: "Why?"
Edie: "Beause you're coming with me. It's time to get wasted. Happy hour started forty-five minutes ago."
Susan: "Why would I go anywhere with you?"
Edie: "Because that's what normal women do when they get depressed. They put on short skirts, they go to bars with their girlfriends, maybe have one too many and then make out with some strange man in the back of a dark alley."
Susan: "Wow."
Edie: "Oh, come on. It'll be fun, I swear. Come on. Come on."
She begins dragging Susan by the feet.
Susan: "Why do you even care?"
Edie: "I never said I cared. It's just...well, I...I guess I know what it's like to have your heart stomped on."
Susan: "Okay. All right. Give me a minute. I'll go change my clothes."
Edie: "And don't forget to do something with that skanky hair. You're a little scary-looking."
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Bar
Music plays in the background as Susan and Edie sit at the bar, drinking. Edie points out a man to Susan.
Edie: "Ah. What about him?"
Susan: "Not my type."
Edie: "Oh, look, I know the pickins are slim, but isn't there someone here that you're attracted to?"
Susan: "I hate 'em all. Look at them just leering at us. They're so damn cocky, like they know they have the upper hand."
Edie: "What are you talking about? We have the upper hand. Without us, they have nothing."
Susan: "Maybe fifteen years ago. Not anymore. Now we're just lonely and desperate, and they know it, and they just sit there, ready to pounce, waiting for us to take any crumb they're willing to throw our way. I don't want crumbs. I want Mike."
She throws her head down on the bar and when the bartender comes up them, Edie hands him her glass.
Edie: "Hi. Um... I'm going to be spending the whole night with her, so I'm gonna be needing a lot more of these."
Susan: "I'm sorry. It's just so hard to find a guy like Mike. I know in my heart he didn't kill Mrs. Huber."
Edie: "Okay. Let's say Mike's a peach and he didn't kill Martha. Who did?"
Susan: "I don't know. Obviously, a bad guy. Somebody really awful, somebody like -- somebody like Paul Young."
Edie: "Paul? Are you serious?"
Susan: "I'm telling you, he's hiding something. He clams up every time we try to ask him about Mary Alice. And then when we found out about Dana..."
Edie: "Dana. Who's Dana?"
Susan: "Paul and Mary Alice had a baby that died."
Edie: "You're kidding."
Susan: "Zach killed her."
Edie: "Holy crap. Who told you that?"
Susan: "Paul. You know, he said it was an accident,but I'm telling you, I think that's why Mary Alice was being blackmailed."
Edie: "Mary Alice was being blackmailed?"
Susan: "Yeah. The girls and I found a threatening note in her stuff."
Edie: "What the hell kind of street do we live on?"
Susan: "I don't know."
Edie: "Come to think of it, the other day, Paul was talking to Felicia, and he was working overtime trying to make Mike sound guilty."
Susan: "See? Shifting blame onto someone else -- that's classic criminal behavior. Oh, I'm telling you, he's up to no good."
Edie: "Zach and Paul are out of town. Maybe we should sneak into their house and do some snooping. I have a key."
Susan: "Oh, my god, yes. We should do that."
Edie: "Oh, come on. I was just kidding."
Susan: "No, Edie, this is our chance. We should just go in for ten minutes."
Edie: "Susan, that's breaking and entering."
Susan: "Martha Huber was your best friend. If we could find out who really killed her, wouldn't that be worth the risk?"
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Fairview Country Club
Rex and Bree are seated at a table at the country club. The maitre d' hands them menus.
Maitre D': "Have a nice evening."
Bree: "Thank you."
Bree looks over at the next table, where a woman is sitting down.
Bree: "Serena, hi. How are you?"
Serena waves, then turns to her husband without saying anything.
Rex: "I talked to Dr. Wallace today."
Bree: "Oh?"
Rex: "He still has no idea why the medication isn't working. He told me he's thinking of running more tests. I told him I'm thinking about getting a second opinion."
As Rex talks, Bree looks around the restaurant, noticing the stares that others are giving them.
Bree: "Rex, this might sound silly, but are people staring at us?"
Rex: "Yeah. What's going on?"
Bree: "Well, I could be wrong, but I suspect that Maisy Gibbons' client list has been released."
Some people start laughing.
Rex: "You think they're laughing at us?"
Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me, which is just as mortifying."
Rex: "What are we gonna do?"
Bree: "Oh. We're gonna act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster."
Rex: "Please, let's go now."
Bree: "Oh, no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu."
Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating."
Bree: "Well, you should have thought of that before you left a personal check on Maisy Gibbons' nightstand."
Rex: "All right, you stay here if you want to. I'm leaving."
He stands up.
Bree: "Rex. If you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream."
Rex: "Bree --"
Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And then, just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step."
Rex looks around, then sits down.
Bree: "So, what are you having? The veal looks good."
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Paul's House
Edie unlocks the house and she and Susan walk inside.
Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?"
Susan: "I don't know. Just something suspicious."
Edie goes over to the bar, where she sniffs one of the containers of liquor.
Edie: "Mmm, smells expensive."
Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"
Edie: "Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate."
Susan: "I'm serious. There's something about this house that's just so cold and creepy. You couldn't tell when Mary Alice was alive. She just brought so much warmth and light. Now there's something...I can just taste it. Can't you sense it?"
Edie: "The only thing I can sense is that you've had too much to drink."
Susan: "No, something happened in this house, something so awful we can't even imagine it."
There's a small crash.
Edie: "Ow! Son of a bitch."
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Edie: "Aah! I just stubbed my toe."
Susan sees the videotape that Paul had been watching earlier lying on the floor. She reads the label on it.
Susan: "Oh, my god -- Angela."
Edie: "Huh?"
Susan: "Angela -- that's what Mary Alice used to call herself."
Edie: "What are you talking about?"
Susan: "We heard it on this tape that Bree stole from her therapist's office. It's a long story. I'll tell you later. Oh, we got to put this in."
As soon as they put the tape in, they hear a large thud come from outside.
Susan: "What was that?"
Edie: "I think it's Paul."
Susan: "You said he was going to be gone."
Edie: "Well, I guess I was wrong."
They turn off the tape and quickly try to find a place to hid.
Edie: "Hurry."
Susan: "I've got to get the tape."
Edie: "Hide!"
Susan: "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
They jump behind the couch, but Susan accidentally drops the tape on the couch, where it falls behind the cushions.
Paul walks in and turns on a light. He sits on the couch and begins reading a magazine. From behind the couch, Susan mouths "What are we gonna do?" to Edie.
Edie stands up.
Edie: "Paul."
Paul: "Aah! Edie. God, you scared me."
Edie: "I'm sorry. I see that you, uh, made it back from Mount Pleasant."
Paul: "Yes. What -- what are you doing here?"
Edie: "Well, I came by to bring you your key. I was just about to leave you a note."
Paul: "You're returning my key at 11:30 at night. What the hell's going on here?"
Edie: "You're right. We're too old to be playing games."
Paul: "What?"
Edie: "My note was gonna tell you that I, uh...I-I wasn't kidding this afternoon. I really would like to keep a key to your place -- to use if the...mood strikes me."
Edie wraps her arms around Paul's neck as he tries backing away. Meanwhile, Susan tries to grab the videotape from her position behind the couch.
Paul: "You've been drinking."
He starts to turn back towards the couch, and Edie grabs him.
Edie: "Just enough to get up the courage to tell you how I feel about you."
She pushes him up against the wall and begins kissing him. Susan, on her hands and knees, looks around the couch at them and makes a face. Edie, still kissing Paul, motions to Susan to leave. Susan crawls out of the house, still on her hands and knees.
Outside, Mike puts some trash in the garbage can and sees Susan crawl out onto the street. He goes after her.
In Paul's house, Edie breaks the kiss.
Edie: "Okay, well...obviously, you're uncomfortable about this, so I-I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. Here. Here's your key. I'll see you around."
Paul: "Edie, um... I'm not embarrassed."
Edie: "Huh?"
Paul: "If anything...I'm flattered."
He grabs her and pushes her against the wall, kissing her.
Outside, Mike catches up with Susan.
Mike: "Susan. Susan, talk to me."
Susan: "Mike, it's not a good time. I'm a little drunk and a little freaked out."
Mike: "Why haven't you returned any of my messages?"
Susan: "We're broken up. I thought I made that pretty clear."
Mike: "Oh, come on. Can't we work this out?"
Susan: "You lied to me."
Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?"
Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man."
Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blooded killer."
Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike -- blind faith is not my friend."
Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment."
Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments."
Mike: "Susan --"
Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, "oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "well, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, and by the way, I did that once." You didn't."
Mike: "Do you want to hear what happened or not?"
Susan: "It doesn't matter, because I will never believe anything you say ever again."
He grabs her and kisses her.
Mike: "Well, at the very least, you can believe that."
He turns and walks back to his house.
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Gabrielle's Backyard
Gabrielle hurries to the Port-a-Potty and tries to open the door, which is locked.
Carlos: "Occupied."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, I have to go."
Carlos: "Well, you're gonna have to wait."
Gabrielle: "Why should I have to wait? It's my port-a-potty."
Carlos: "What do you mean, it's yours?"
Gabrielle: "I'm the one who stole it."
Carlos: "Babe, I'm sorry. You're just gonna have to wait."
She kicks the Port-a-Potty and storms off.
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Bree's House
Bree sits on her couch, drinking coffee. The sound of a toilet flushing is heard and Gabrielle walks into the room.
Gabrielle: "Thank you so much, Bree. Seeing your tile has really helped me make my decision. Next time I remodel, I am using limestone."
Bree: "Gabrielle, is everything okay?"
Gabrielle: "Sure. Why?"
Bree: "Well, it's just that you've been acting kind of odd lately."
Gabrielle: "In what way?"
Bree: "Well, you keep coming up with excuses to use everyone's bathroom, and then two days ago, Mr. Cowley looked into your back yard and saw you and Carlos doing your laundry in the jacuzzi."
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, there's a simple explanation for that. I, um..."
Bree: "Are you and Carlos having some sort of money trouble? Gabby, it's okay if you are."
Gabrielle: "Is that so?"
Bree: "Yes, and, and to tell you the truth, I'm a little insulted. I am a good friend. Why would you feel like you have to hide that from me?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know. Probably for the same reason you didn't tell me Rex was one of Maisy's clients."
Bree: "That is obviously different."
Gabrielle: "Why? Because it happened to you? Bree, this is how I see it -- good friends support each other after they've been humiliated. Great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place."
Bree: "Well, then, good luck on your remodel."
Gabrielle: "And please tell Rex I said hello."
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Topher's Birthday Party
A big birthday party is occuring at Tammy's house when Lynette walks in with the twins, holding a present.
Lynette: "Hey, Tammy."
Tammy: "Lynette."
Lynette: "I see Topher's made a speedy recovery."
Twin: "Can we go play?"
Lynette: "Yeah, sure, boys. Have fun."
Twins: "Whoo! Let's go play in the bounce house! Let's go! Let's go! Come on!"
Tammy: "All right,you caught me. I lied. But, uh, you sure have some nerve, crashing a six-year-old's birthday party.""
Lynette: "Just so you know, I got Topher a set of bongo drums. I know you'll love them as much as he will."
At the bounce house, Mona leans in and shouts to her child.
Mona: "Charlie, come on out of there! I don't want you playing with those Scavo boys!"
Tammy: "Uh, Mona, please. I'm sure they're clean. (to Lynette) You are not ruining my party."
Tammy climbs into the bounce house.
Tammy: "All right, Porter, Preston, okay, out, out, out. Come on. Porter, Preston, let's go."
Lynette climbs in with them.
Lynette: "No, not -- not -- not quite yet. Boys, keep bouncing. That's right. Keep bouncing. Oh, by the way, I spoke to Nurse Abigail. I know who patient zero is."
Tammy: "All right, that's it, kids. Get out. Out, out, out. Go, go."
Lynette: "How could you do that?"
Tammy: "Look, this party meant everything to Topher. I couldn't risk people not showing up. He would be devastated. I had to do something."
Lynette: "And the best you could come up with was letting my kids take the fall?"
Tammy: "Hey, I hardly had to say anything. People were already suspicious.
Lynette: "Oh, please."
Tammy: "Yeah, it's true. Let's face it -- your boys aren't the cleanest kids on the planet."
Lynette: "That was not a smart thing to say."
Tammy: "Where are you going?"
Lynette: "I'm going to tell the truth to every mother out there, and then I'm gonna take back the bongos."
Tammy: "No, wait, okay, all right. Look, I wa--I was wrong. I admit it. I am really, really, really sorry."
Lynette: "Too little, too late."
Tammy: "Okay, okay. No, I'll -- I'll tell everyone that I was wrong, that your kids aren't the ones. Please, I'm begging you."
Lynette: "Well, why are you standing there? Get to it."
They leave the bounce house.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is on the porch when Bree comes up to her.
Gabrielle: "Bree, hi."
Bree: "Hi."
Gabrielle: "What's up?"
Bree: "Well, um, I've been doing some thinking. Rex and I have been members of the Fairview Country Club for years, and, well, lately, it seems to have lost some of its excluvity, and so I've decided not to renew our membership. I'd rather see the money go to someone I care about."
She hands Gabrielle an envelope. Gabrielle takes it and opens it. She pulls out a check.
Gabrielle: "Oh, Bree, I-I can't take that."
Bree: "Gabby, this is the way I see it -- good friends offer to help in a crisis. Great friends don't take no for an answer."
Gabrielle: "We're gonna pay you back every cent. I promise."
Bree: "Take your time."
She gets up and leaves.
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Topher's Birthday Party
A magician does tricks for the crowd of kids, who clap and shout. Lynette watches as Topher scratches his head. She turns to look at Tammy, who returns her gaze.
"Yes, everyone loves a scandal...no matter how big or small."
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Gabrielle's Backyard
Carlos goes out into the backyard to go to the Port-a-Potty. As he opens the door, his next door neighbor catches his eye over the fence separating their properties.
"After all...what could be more entertaining than watching the downfall of the high and mighty?"
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Outside Bree's House
Rex opens the car door for Bree, who gets in. As he closes the door, he sees neighbors walking down the sidewalk, who give each other a look when they see him.
"What could be more amusing than the public exposure of hypocritical sinners?"
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Fairview County Prison
Maisy stands in the corner of the prison room, watching from a distance as other prisoners play cards together.
"Yes, everyone loves a scandal. And if for some reason, you're not enjoying the latest one..."
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Paul's House
Paul sits down on the couch. He feels something underneath him and after pushing away the pillows, finds the videotape that Susan dropped.
"...well...the next one is always around the corner."
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.17 - There Won't Be Trumpets
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Alisa Stevens" - Marlee Matlin
"Juanita Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Dennis Stevens" - Albie Selznick
"Bill Cunningham" - Rick Ravanello
"Father Crowley" - Jeff Doucette
"Nurse Heissel" - Dagney Kerr
"Mr. Steinberg" - Mark L. Taylor
"Lily Stevens" - Aria Wallace
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Security Guard" - Derk Cheetwood
"Soprano Singer" - Ciera Lamborn
Written by: Joey Murphy & John Pardee
Directed by: Jeff Melman
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Sacred Heart Hospital - Nighttime
"In the Coma Ward at Sacred Heart Hospital, the dreams begin just after midnight. The pitch black of night gives way to vivid images that comfort the dreamer until the morning."
A janitor stops cleaning the floor and stretches.
"Gus, the custodian, dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job."
He removes a piece of paper from his shirt pocket, kisses it, picks up his thermos, and walks off.
A security guard, sitting in a chair, pulls out a neck pillow to place on his neck.
"Howard, the security guard, envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics."
He kicks off his shoes and closes his eyes.
A night nurse sits at a desk, looking bored. She spins something on the desk and watches it.
"Ruth Ann, the night nurse, fantasizes about leaving her husband."
As it spins, she checks her watch, picks up a pack of cigarettes and stands up to leave, leaving her wedding ring spinning on the desk.
"But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in Room 312."
Inside room 312, Juanita Solis lies still in her hospital bed.
"Yes, Juanita Solis had been dreaming steadily for five months. Sometimes of the shocking secret she had uncovered."
Flashback to her taking a picture of Gabrielle and John caught in bed.
"Other times, she dreamt of the accident that had put her in the hospital."
Flashback to her running out of the Solis house and getting hit by a car.
"But her most common dream was the one in which she finally told her son the truth."
Carlos sits next to Juanita’s bedside holding her hands. Juanita leans over and begins whispering to Carlos.
Juanita: "Carlos. Gabrielle..."
"And then one night...Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up."
Juanita's eyes open suddenly and she sits up in bed.
A few minutes later, Juanita leaves her hospital room, holding onto her pole with IV fluids. She looks up and down the empty hallway.
Juanita: "Hello? Is anybody here?"
Juanita goes down the hallway, looking back and forth.
Juanita: "Hello!"
Juanita reaches the empty nurse's station and bangs on the counter.
Juanita: "I have to call my son!"
Juanita continues to run down the hallway in her stocking feet. She runs past the hallway and doesn’t see the sleeping guard. She continues running and see a phone on the wall at the end of a hallway. She pulls out the intravenous tube and runs down the hallway toward the phone.
As she heads towards it, she slips on the wet floor left by the janitor. She slides straight into a stairwell, where she falls down the stairs, right near the feet of the nurse taking her cigarette break. Ruth Ann, turns, shocked.
"Even though she knew she was about to die, Juanita didn’t care. The truth was finally going to come out."
Ruth Ann puts out her cigarette and runs toward Juanita. Ruth Ann kneels down and holds Juanita’s head.
Juanita: "Tell my son his wife is cheating on him."
Ruth Ann: "Oh my God!"
Juanita dies.
"Sadly for Juanita, this was one dream that would never come true."
Ruth Ann pulls earphones from her ears. Music is blasting from the earphones.
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Credits
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Susan's House
At Susan's kitchen table, there are illustrated drawings knights and dragons.
"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their goodness, but mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another we all dream of being rescued."
Susan goes to the coffeemaker by the sink and pours herself a cup. She looks through the kitchen window and sees Mike walking up to the door.
He knocks on the door.
Mike: "Susan, I know you’re in there. We have to talk."
Susan opens door and faces Mike.
Mike: "This is crazy."
Susan: "I know."
Mike grabs Susan and they kiss.
Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.
Susan again opens the door and faces Mike.
Mike: "Everything the cop said to you is true. I did kill someone. But there’s one thing they didn’t tell you. I killed for you, Susan."
Susan grabs Mike and kisses him.
Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming.
Susan opens the door and faces Mike. He pulls out a gun and aims at her.
Mike: "Susan, if I can’t have you, no one else can."
Susan knocks the gun out of Mike’s hand.
Susan: "Shut up."
Susan grabs Mike and kisses him. The coffee cup she is holding falls and breaks.
Cut to Susan standing at the kitchen window again, daydreaming. She looks down at the unbroken cup in her hand. She sees Mike walking toward the door, and then he knocks.
Susan drops to the floor and crawls to the door.
Mike: "Susan, are you home? Susan, your car is here. I know you’re in there. I was hoping we could talk for a minute."
Susan whimpers and leans against the door. Mike slides a letter under the door. Susan pulls it in.
Mike: "Susan, maybe you should have waited until I left to do that. All right, look, I know you don’t want to see me right now, but I owe you an explanation and it’s all in there, all of it. Everything you ever wanted to know about my past, about my reasons for doing what I did. It’s all there."
Susan stands up and looks out the door in time to watch Mike walk away.
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School Parking Lot
A car sits in the parking lot. Its interior is filled with smoke. A school security guard knocks on window. A window rolls down and smoke pours out.
Andrew: "Hey!"
Security Guard: "Guys come on. What are you doing?"
Andrew: "Ah, you know, just bonding. Discussing current events."
Security Guard: "Hey, seriously, listen, if you guys would have just parked across the street I could have let you go."
Andrew: "Why don’t you pretend like we did?"
Andrew's friends laugh.
Security Guard: "Get out of the car."
Instead, Andrew starts pulling away.
Security Guard: "Hey, hey, hey! Stop the car!"
He holds onto the window and as the car speeds up, he trips and rolls on the ground as the car leaves.
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Bree's House
Rex: "I can’t believe it. Two months from graduation and he gets expelled."
Bree: "You know we are just lucky that that security guard did not press charges."
Rex: "So what are we gonna do?"
Bree: "Well, glad that you asked."
Bree pulls out some pamphlets from a drawer and lays them out.
Rex: "What are these?"
Bree: "They’re brochures for youth detention centers."
Rex: "How long have you had these?"
Bree: "They’re been in the drawer for a few months. I had a feeling we might be needing them."
Rex: "Bree, I don’t know."
Bree: "We have to admit that we need help. If we can’t get through to Andrew then we have to find someone who can."
Rex: "You really want to send our son away to some prison camp?"
Bree: "Oh come on, don’t be so dramatic. Some of these places actually look fun. Look. Camp Hennessey." (reading) "Camp Hennessey teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere."
Bree holds up the brochure for Rex to see. Rex grabs the brochure.
Rex: "The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence."
Bree: "Well, you have to admit that’s an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries. Okay, how about this one. It’s perfect for Andrew. It’s a ranch in Montana. It has lots of fresh air and plenty of open spaces and daily classes in anger management."
Rex: "I’m, I’m not comfortable with this."
Bree: "All right, what about this one. It’s in the desert and it’s very reasonable. Barracks are a little bit bleak, but that recidivism rate is to die for!"
Rex: "Bree, I’m not doing it. I’m not sending my son away."
Bree: "It’s easy for you, isn’t it? You’re not the one he’s openly rude to. You’re not the one he challenges every day. You’re not the one he hates."
Rex: "I抣l talk to him, all right? I抣l sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart to heart."
Bree: "You talk to him all you want. I’m gonna check out the place with the electrified fence."
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Barcliff Academy
Five children, including Porter and Preston, dressed in colonial costume, stand on a small stage, reciting lines.
Twin: "Listen, my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere."
Lynette proudly smiles as she watches her sons recite. She turns to see, in the audience, a mother and young daughter signing to each other.
Twin: "In the lantern is turned off in the belfry arch of the North church tower. One if by land, two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be."
The parents applaud. Lynette smiles proudly as she applauds.
Lynette, pushing a stroller, approaches the little girl and woman who had been signing.
Lynette: "Um, hi. I, I wanted to introduce myself to your Mom. I’m Lynette Scavo."
Alisa Stevens: "Have we met? I’m Alisa Stevens."
Lynette: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought..."
Alisa: "I read lips."
Lynette: "Oh."
Alisa starts signing and her daughter begins translating for her.
Lily (translating): "But a lot of the time, signing is much easier. I don’t like to misunderstand or be misunderstood."
Lily turns toward Lynette and offers her hand.
Lily: "And I’m Lily."
Lynette: "Oh hi. Nice to meet you, Lily."
A young boy in a horse costume runs by.
Matt: "Hi, mom."
Alisa: "That’s my son, Matt."
Lynette: "My twins talk about Matt all the time. We should set up a play date."
Alisa: "That sounds great. Let’s have dinner, too."
Lynette: "I抎 love to."
Lynette turns toward her boys as she hears them yelling. They are holding Matt’s horse’s tale, whipping it and yelling. Matt is trying to run away.
Twins: "The British are coming! The British are coming. Giddy up! Giddy up! Giddy up."
Matt:"No, no, no."
Lynette turns back toward Alisa.
Lynette: "Even better, let’s just keep it adults."
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Gabrielle’s House.
Gabrielle is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Carlos comes in the front door.
Carlos: "Babe, they blinked! We got 'em by the short hairs!"
Carlos grabs Gabrielle’s hand and pulls her up.
Gabrielle: "Who? Who blinked?"
Carlos picks Gabrielle up and she shrieks.
Carlos: "I just spoke to the lawyers. They offered a plea bargain."
Gabrielle: "And that’s - good?"
Carlos: "It means they know they got a weak case. They don’t think they can win. It’s over."
Gabrielle: "Oh my god! Honey, that means we can keep the house!"
Carlos: "No. We still have to sell the house. I gotta pay the lawyers."
Gabrielle: "But I thought you said they offered a plea bargain."
Carlos: "Yeah, but we’re not gonna take that."
Gabrielle: "Put me down."
Carlos puts Gabrielle down.
Carlos: "Honey, it would mean me going to jail for eight months."
Gabrielle: "I think that’s pretty reasonable considering you're guilty as sin!"
Carlos: "You said that you were fine with selling the house."
Gabrielle: "That was before I knew we could trade a couple months in prison to keep it!"
The phone rings. Gabrielle goes over to answer it.
Gabrielle: "What? No, this is her daughter-in-law."
Carlos: "Is it the hospital? Is it Mama?"
Gabrielle turns away from Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Ah, thank you, yes."
She hangs up.
Carlos: "Gabby?"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Carlos."
She puts her arms around him and hugs him close. As she holds him, she smiles.
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Gabrielle's House
Pamphlets for crypts, caskets, and flowers are spread all over the coffee table.
"Some believe people are judged by the way they live life, and others by the way they leave it."
Carlos: "I like the Lexington mahogany with gold leaf. It comes with a pink velvet interior and drapes. Plus it’s hand-engraved so in case of a flood or earthquake, they抣l at least be able to know which one is hers."
Gabrielle: "Don’t you think that’s a little over the top?"
Carlos: "I want the best for Mama."
Gabrielle: "No, honey, these funeral homes make a fortune trying to convince people to overspend."
Carlos: "What are you saying?"
Gabrielle: "Well, I’m saying your mother was a sensible woman. She wouldn’t be comfortable with all these bells and whistles. Maybe this one. Wood veneer!"
Carlos closes his eyes and shakes his head.
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "You never liked Mama."
Gabrielle: "Well, it’s awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it."
Carlos: "She loved you."
Gabrielle: "She treated me like trash!" (crosses herself) "God rest her soul."
Carlos: "I’m putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies."
Gabrielle: "Carlos, we’re not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot."
Carlos: "She was a queen."
He walks away.
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Susan's House - Outside
Susan holds the sealed letter marked "Susan" that Mike had put under her door. Sitting around her are Lynette, Edie, and Bree.
Lynette: "So what did Mike say when he gave you the letter?"
Susan: "That it explains everything."
Bree: "Well, does it?"
Susan: "I haven’t read it."
Edie: "Well, why the hell not?"
Susan: "I just can’t."
Lynette: "You’re a better woman than me. I would have ripped that open with my teeth. Aren’t you dying to know what he wrote?"
Susan: "Yes. What if it just a bunch of far-fetched stories."
Bree: "Well, you should assume that it is."
Lynette: "Why?"
Bree: "Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot. I mean, God forbid, you should give them time and a pen!"
Lynette and Edie laugh.
A car drives up on the street behind them and honks. The sign on the door of the car reads "General Contractors." A handsome man calls out to Edie.
Bill: "Hey Edie, you mind stopping by the site later? I have blueprints of the master bath."
Edie: "Oh. I抣l see you in a few, Bill."
Susan turns and looks at Bill. Bill nods and smiles at Susan as he drives away.
Edie: "That’s my new contractor. We’re sort of dating."
Lynette: "Didn’t you once say you never mix business with pleasure?"
Edie: "No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment."
Lynette (laughing): "Right."
Bree: "So, Susan, what are you gonna do with the letter?"
Edie: "And for pete’s sake, would you open it up already?"
Susan begins to open the letter, then stops.
Susan: "No, no, I won't. I don’t trust Mike anymore. And without trust...no, no. I’m just gonna go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash."
Susan begins walking toward her house. Lynette grabs the letter and acts like she's going to rip it up.
Lynette: "Why wait, why don’t we just rip it up now."
Susan grabs the letter back.
Susan: "No, no no. That’s okay, I don’t wanna, you know, litter."
She runs inside her house. The other women watch her go.
Lynette: "She is so opening that letter."
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Sacred Heart Hospital
Gabrielle walks down the hallway.
"While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she抎 be taking her secret to the grave."
Gabrielle reaches the nurse's station. As she looks at the nurse behind the counter, a man in a business suit walks up to a room behind Gabrielle, and enters it, but makes sure to keep the door cracked open so he can eavesdrop.
Gabrielle: "Hi, I’m Gabrielle Solis. You're Nurse Heissel?"
Nurse Ruth Ann Heissel: "Yes, Hi. Um, when you called and said you were coming down I collected all the personal things that your husband brought in during Juanita’s stay with us."
Nurse Heissel puts a cardboard box on the counter.
Nurse Heissel: "I assume that that’s why you were stopping by."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that’s so thoughtful of you, but actually no."
Nurse Heissel: "No?"
The man behind the door continues to watch.
Gabrielle: "No, you see my husband and I still don’t have a clear account as to how Juanita passed."
Nurse Heissel: "How?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, did she die quietly in her sleep?"
Nurse Heissel and the man in the doorway nod as if agreeing with what Gabrielle is saying.
Nurse Heissel: "Oh yeah, that’s usually how it happens. I mean, I’m pretty sure that that’s how it happened."
Gabrielle: "Pretty sure?"
Nurse Heissel: "I mean, I don’t know exactly cause I wasn’t with her at that time."
Gabrielle: "Uh huh. Was anyone with her? An orderly, candy striper, anyone?"
The man still watches them.
Nurse Heissel: "No. She was alone."
The man closes his eyes and bows his head.
Gabrielle: "Thank you so much. That’s all I needed to hear."
Gabrielle walks away. As she passes by the room the man is in, he quickly closes the door. Nurse Heissel picks up the cardboard box.
Nurse Heissel: "Mrs. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, you can just toss that!"
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Susan's House - Outside
Susan comes out with purse and keys. She looks at her car and sees that she has a flat tire.
Susan: "Great, just great!"
She stoops down to look at the tire and pulls out a long nail. She hears construction work going on at Edie’s house and looks that way.
Susan walks over to the construction lot. She sees the man, Bill, who had been in the general contractors truck and walks up to him, nail in hand.
Susan: "I think this is yours."
She hands Bill the nail.
Bill: "Yeah. Yeah, I’re been looking for this one. Thanks."
Susan: "I don’t suppose you have any idea where I found it?"
Bill: "Well, these little suckers are drawn to bare feet and car tires and since you’re not limping or bleeding..."
They smile at each other.
At Susan’s car, Bill has a compressor filling Susan’s tire.
Bill: "This is only temporary. You’re going to need to take this tire in to get it fixed."
Susan: "Thanks, I will."
Bill: "Seriously. It’s not safe. You’re probably only going to get 20, 30 miles out of it."
Susan: "All right, I promise."
Bill: "Hey listen, I’m about to break for lunch. How would you like to join me?"
Susan: "Lunch?"
Bill: "Yeah. Lunch."
Susan: "Are you asking me out on a date?"
Bill: "That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a can of soda but, yeah, I guess I am."
Susan: "Aren’t you dating Edie?"
Bill: "We went out on a date, we’re not dating."
Susan: "Oh."
Bill: "So how about it? I’m buying."
Susan: "Yeah. I just got out of this relationship with this guy, Mike, and it’s kind of complicated. Anyway, I’m just not even sure where I am right now emotionally, I’m just all jumbled up and I don’t think I could leap right into something new, relationship wise, you know, at the moment."
Bill: "Again. Just a burrito."
Susan: "Sorry."
Bill: "Okay, I understand. Sounds like you need a little time to reflect and heal."
Susan: "I do. I really do."
Bill: "Okay. I抣l check back with you again tomorrow."
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Lynette's House
Tom, Lynette, Alisa and her husband, Dennis, are having dinner. Alisa is signing and her husband it translating.
Dennis (translating Alisa’s signing): "This is so delicious. I don’t know how you find the time with four kids."
Lynette: "Only for first time guests. Normally you抎 be having, um, chicken fingers and cartoon shaped macaroni."
Tom: "If that."
Lynette: "Hey. Shut up."
Alisa: "Tom, you’re in advertising, right?"
Tom: "Uh hm."
Alisa: "I worked five years at Simon and Scott."
Tom: "Well, I started at Simon and Scott. I hated those guys."
Everyone laughs.
Alisa: "But we have to talk."
Tom: "Yes. Who do you know? Do you know who’s there now?"
Tom scoots his chair closer to Alisa's and Dennis turns to Lynette.
Dennis: "Well, it's all over now. They抣l be talking shop for the rest of the night. Alisa loves talking about Alisa."
Lynette: "Well, Lynette loves talking about Lynette, too."
Dennis: "Oh I don’t believe that for a second. You and your husband seem pretty solid."
Tom and Alisa can be seen and heard talking in the background.
Dennis: "We’re going through some tough stuff. We’re in counseling."
Tom (in the background): "They’re nice people."
Lynette (uncomfortably): "Oh really? More steak?"
Dennis: "It was her idea. It’s not the most pleasant way to spend an hour. Basically, I look at the clock and she blames me for everything."
Lynette: "I don’t think we should be talking about Alisa with her, so..."
She gestures over at Alisa.
Dennis: "It’s okay, it’s not like she can hear. Maybe I抣l have some more of that potato stuff."
A shocked Lynette stares at Dennis.
Later, Tom and Lynette clear the dishes.
Tom: "He actually said those things with her just sitting right there?"
Lynette: "It was really nasty and he wouldn’t shut up either."
Tom (disgusted): "Ahhh."
Lynette: "I can’t believe you said we抎 play tennis with them."
Tom: "Honey that was before I knew that he was a jerk. She was great. Look what she taught me."
Tom signs "I Love You."
Tom: "Means I love you."
Lynette: "Yeah, that’s great. What am I gonna do?"
Tom: "What do you mean?"
Lynette: "Well, obviously she needs to be told."
Tom: "Wha-no, no, no, she doesn’t. This is between Dennis and Alisa."
Lynette: "How can I ignore this? And I quote, 'It’s not like she can hear.'"
Tom: "Lynette you’re starting to ring up into that whole meddling thing that you do."
Lynette: "Excuse me!"
Tom: "Let me just handle it. Let’s avoid a big thing."
Lynette: "Are you saying I can’t be tactful?"
Tom: "No. If he says something when we play tennis, I will take him aside man to man and say that’s not cool."
Lynette: "Are you saying I’m not tactful?"
Tom looks as though he does not know what to say so instead he signs "I love you" to Lynette. She grabs his finger and pushes him back.
Tom: "Ow, ow, ow, owww."
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Bree's House
Andrew lies on his bed watching TV. Bree walks in with a laundry basket.
Bree: "Andrew, I need you to take out the trash."
Andrew: "Sure."
Bree: "Now, not five hours from now."
With a long-suffering sigh, he sits up.
Andrew: "I’m going, I’m going. God! Um, I’m meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I’m gonna need forty bucks."
Bree: "No!"
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "You no longer get an allowance."
Andrew: "Fine. I’m not taking out the trash."
Bree (exasperated): "Andrew."
Andrew: "What are you gonna do, torture me? Go ahead, I can take it."
Bree approaches Andrew who is sitting on the bed.
Bree: "What I want, what I have always wanted is for you to be happy. And you're not. And I have no idea how to help you."
Rex walking by the room, stops in the doorway.
Andrew: "Well, you can start by getting out of the way."
Bree: "I will not. We’re gonna talk about this now."
Andrew: "I said get out of the way!"
He kicks at her, pushing her with his leg. Bree stumbles, almost falling. Rex runs into the room and grabs Andrew by the arms and pulls him up and slams him against the wall.
Rex: "The next time you touch your mother like that, I’m gonna throw you through this wall! You understand me?"
Andrew has a frightened look on his face. Rex leaves the room glancing at Bree to make sure she is okay. Bree grabs the laundry basket and walks to the door. She turns to look at Andrew who looks like he's about to start crying. Bree turns away and walks out.
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Susan's House
Susan sits on the bench in her front yard, drawing. Edie jogs by.
Susan: "Oh, Edie. Wait up, I, I want to ask you something."
Edie continues to run, so Susan follows her.
Edie: "Can’t stop, gotta keep my heart rate up."
Susan: "I was just wondering how you抎 feel if I went out with Bill."
Edie stops running.
Edie: "What?"
Susan: "Um. Bill asked me out."
Edie: "Bill? My Bill?"
Susan: "Well see that’s the thing, he doesn’t think of himself as "your Bill" cause he said that date was just a one time thing. Which I know because when he asked me out, I told him I thought you guys were involved."
Edie: "So, you haven’t agreed to go out with him?"
Susan: "No. No, I wanted to check with you first."
Edie: "Wow. That was nice of you."
Susan: "So can I?"
Edie: "No."
Edie takes off jogging again. Susan runs after her.
Susan: "Edie! Edie, why can’t I go out with him?"
Edie stops jogging again.
Edie: "Because I saw him first."
Susan: "Come on, that’s a really 3rd-grade thing to say."
Edie: "Look, you asked my permission, I said no. That should be the end of it!"
Edie takes off jogging again. Susan yells after her.
Susan: "Well, you know, technically, I don’t need your permission!"
Edie stops jogging and turns to face Susan.
Edie: "You know, I so much want to like you but you just won’t let me."
Susan: "Edie."
Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons."
Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito."
Edie: "Susan, please. Let me like you."
Susan: "Okay, I won’t go out with him. I mean obviously you have feeling for him."
Edie: "No, I don’t. I really don’t."
Susan: "So what then? If you can’t have him, nobody can?"
Edie: "See? Now you’re thinking like a friend."
Edie turns and jogs away leaving Susan with a dumbfounded look on her face.
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Cemetary
A singer in black, holding a single rose, sings Ave Maria as she leads a procession of black-clad mourners for Juanita Solis.
Lynette walks with Bree.
Lynette: "What a voice."
Bree: "You have to hand it to Gabby and Carlos. They do grieve better than anyone."
A white horse pulling a carriage containing Juanita Solis?casket is leading the procession. Carlos and Gabrielle are near the front of the group.
Gabrielle: "So, how much did that horse and buggy set us back?"
Carlos: "Do you mind?"
Gabrielle: "Being poor? A little."
The priest turns to look at Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: "Eyes front, Padre."
In the group of mourners, Susan and Julie walk together.
Susan: "I can’t believe Edie. She doesn’t have dibs on every man on the planet. If I want to go out with Bill I should be able to."
Julie: "I thought you weren’t even into him."
Susan: "Well, neither is she. And if she’s not into him, why can’t I not be into him."
Julie: "I’m gonna mourn now."
The procession begins to slow donw.
Gabrielle: "What’s going on? Why are we slowing down?"
Carlos: "'Cause we’re almost there."
Gabrielle looks straight ahead and sees them heading towards a very large crypt.
Gabrielle: "What is that?"
Carlos: "The family who owned it couldn’t afford the maintenance payment. I got an amazing deal."
Gabrielle: "A crypt? You bought your mother a crypt?"
Carlos: "Keep quiet. You’re making a scene!"
Gabrielle: "Oh that’s it. I cannot be a part of this! I can’t do it!"
Gabrielle pushes the program into Carlos?hand and walks away. Carlos follows her.
Carlos: "Gabrielle!"
After a second hesitation, the group of people begins following Carlos and Gabrielle off the path.
Carlos: "Stop acting like a child!"
Lynette and Bree stop walking.
Lynette: "Are, are we supposed to be following them?"
Bree: "I don’t know. I mean, maybe it’s part of the ritual."
Gabrielle: "Go to hell, Carlos!"
Bree's mouth drops open. She turns to Lynette and hands her the rose she had been holding. She then calls out to the group who had followed Carlos and Gabrielle.
Bree: "All right, people. We’re going to follow the body. This way please."
She claps her hands to get their attention.
Bree: "Come along."
Everyone starts to follow Bree.
Away from the crowd, Gabrielle turns to Carlos.
Gabrielle: "This is too much. The only reason I agreed to give up the house is because I thought I was gonna get a gorgeous little apartment. Now, I’m not even going to get that!"
Carlos: "What do you want me to do?"
Gabrielle: "Take the plea!"
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah! You did the crime, why should I have to pay the price? Just suck it up, be a man, and do the time."
Carlos: "Gabrielle, you’re being ridiculous!"
Gabrielle: "Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother."
Carlos: "Gabby, please just-"
Gabrielle: "At least she’s gonna have a roof over her head."
She storms off, leaving Carlos shaking his head.
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Country Club Tennis Court
Alisa, Dennis, Tom, and Lynette play tennis. Alisa serves.
Alisa: "Fifteen all."
Alisa serves and Tom hits it back just in the line.
Alisa: "Oh, was that in?"
Tom: "Nice try."
Tom and Lynette laugh. Alisa goes to get the ball.
Dennis: "God Alisa, you’re deaf, not blind."
Lynette and Tom are visibly shocked by Dennis?words.
Tom: "It was a close call."
Lynette: "That’s telling him."
Tom: "Waiting for my moment."
Dennis: "If you think her tennis stinks you should try her cooking."
Tom and Lynette glance at each other.
Alisa: "Fifteen-thirty."
Alisa serves. Lynette hits it back nearly hitting Dennis. He drops.
Lynette: "Sorry. I should have mentioned that my tennis is much better than my cooking."
Later, everyone approaches the net. Lynette and Alisa pat hands.
Lynette: "That was fun. You play really well."
Alisa: "Thank you."
Dennis: "Give me a break, she serves underhand, for god sake."
Lynette and Tom see that Alisa did not hear that comment. Lynette stares at Tom silently asking him to say something. Tom doesn’t nothing.
Lynette: "What’s your problem?"
Dennis: "Excuse me?"
Alisa looks up. Tom rushes over to her.
Tom: "Hey, do have any bottled water over there because, uh, my electrolytes get all wacky when I sweat."
Tom walks over to Alisa, blocking her view.
Lynette: "She’s your wife. How can you talk about her like that?"
Dennis: "Let me tell you what Saint Alisa is saying with that phony smile plastered on her face." (signing and talking) "'Move your ass, Dennis. Nice love handles, Dennis. Try switching your deodorant, Dennis.'"
Lynette: "All right, enough. If you’re got issues with your wife, tell her."
Dennis: "We’re in counseling."
Lynette: "Yeah, well it’s not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you’re unhappy in your marriage, do something, instead of just complaining, 'cause frankly, I don’t want to hear it!"
Alisa: "Hey! Let’s trade partners."
Lynette: "Great."
Tom hands Lynette a bottle of water.
Lynette: "Thanks." (to Alisa) "I抣l play with you."
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Susan's House
Susan comes out the door and sees Bill filling her front tire again.
Susan: "Hey!"
Bill: "Hey. You did not take this in. This should hold but you gotta take it in."
Susan: "Thank you. I know, I’m going to. It’s on the top of my list."
Bill: "Whew! That was hard work."
Susan: "Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?"
Bill: "Sounds great."
In Susan’s kitchen, she fills a glass of water from the tap.
Bill: "So, it’s tomorrow. I told you I抎 check back in on that date."
Susan: "Bill, um, I have my reasons."
Susan gets ice cubes from the freezer and hands the glass to Bill.
Bill: "Am I hideous?"
Susan: "Oh, God, no. No! You are just so incredibly not hideous."
Bill: "Thank you. I think."
Susan: "See now. Maybe it’s the word "date" that’s throwing me off."
Bill: "Look. I just want to have some fun. You know dinner, drinks. No strings attached."
Susan smiles. She looks at her refrigerator which has Mike’s unopened letter clipped to it.
Susan: "Okay, I抣l go out with you."
Bill: "Great. I know this little place out of the way. You’re gonna love it."
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos sits at the table, writing. Gabrielle walks up to him.
Gabrielle: "Whatcha doing?"
Carlos: "Making an emergency list for you so you抣l know who to call in case the roof leaks or the power goes out..."
Gabrielle: "Why?"
Carlos: "I’m taking the plea bargain. So you can keep the house. When I buried my mother, I did it with respect and I don’t regret a single penny. But I’m the one that got us into the position that we're in, and the moment I did, I stopped respecting you."
Carlos hands Gabrielle the list.
Carlos: "And that’s not right."
Gabrielle: "You are so brave."
Carlos: "It’s not without strings. I need you to promise me that you're gonna be here when I get out."
Gabrielle: "Well, that’s a ridiculous thing to say. I’m not going anywhere."
Carlos: "And I need you to promise me that you'll be faithful while I’m gone."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Of course."
Carlos: "Gabrielle, I’m no fool. You’re a beautiful woman and I understand that you have needs. But I'm a very jealous and possessive man, and I need to hear you say it."
Gabrielle: "I promise."
Carlos: "Okay then. Tomorrow morning, we抣l so and see the lawyers."
Gabrielle: "I love you."
Gabrielle gets up and sits on Carlos?lap.
Carlos: "I love you, too."
They kiss, then hug.
Carlos: "And just so you know, I’m gonna hold you to that promise."
Gabrielle looks worried.
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Bree's House
While it's still dark outside, Andrew sleeps in his bed. Bree quietly shakes him and Rex turns on the light. Andrew wakes up and sees his mother and father standing over him.
Andrew: "What’s going on? Did Grandma die?"
Rex: "Uh, no, she’s fine. Listen, Andrew..."
Bree sits on bed next to Andrew.
Bree: "Sweetheart, it’s been clear to us for sometime now that you’re been unhappy. All this acting out..."
Rex: "The pot smoking, the violence."
Bree: "It just isn’t you. And we feel that you need to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in your life and what kind of person you want to be."
Andrew: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Bree: "There’s this place called Camp Hennessey. It’s designed for teenagers like yourself who have lost their way and..."
Andrew: "You gotta be kidding me."
Rex: "They, they emphasize discipline and responsibility. Two things you’re sorely in need of."
Bree: "Hopefully, you won’t have to be there for more than a few weeks."
Andrew: "You can stop this now. I’m, I'm not going to any stupid camp for juvenile delinquents."
Rex walks to the door and Andrew lies back down, turning his back to his mother.
Rex: "We’re ready."
Bree: "Sorry, honey but you don’t have a choice."
Two tall, muscular men walk into the room. Andrew looks at them and then at his mother. Andrew jumps out of bed and tries to run past everyone. The men grab him.
Rex: "Son!"
Andrew: "Get your hands off of me!"
Rex: "Andrew, Andrew, it’s no use fighting. Now, these gentlemen are going to help you get dressed and then they're gonna drive you to the camp."
Men: "We can take it from here."
Andrew: "Wait, wait. Mom, mom, wait, please, I’m sorry, mom. Please."
Bree approaches Andrew.
Bree: "Honey it’s going to be okay, I promise."
Andrew spits in her face.
Andrew: "I know this was your idea."
Rex charges at Andrew, who's still being held by the two men.
Rex: "Why you little..."
Bree pulls Rex off.
Bree: "Stop it. Honey, no matter what you say or do, I will always love you."
Andrew pulls away from her.
Man: "Let’s go, come on."
Bree and Rex turn to leave the room while Andrew stares after them.
Later, in the dining room, Rex sits at the table, drinking coffee. Bree comes up behind him and hugs him
Rex: "What’s that for?"
Bree: "For being here. For standing by me through this."
She sits down next to Rex.
Bree: "You don’t know what it means to me, Rex. It’s been a long time since I felt I had a real partner. And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this."
Rex reaches out and covers her hand with his. Bree puts her other hand over Rex’s.
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Barcliff Academy
Lynette is fixing the twins backpacks in the hallway when Alisa approaches her.
Lynette: "Hey Alisa, hey Lily, how are you guys?"
Alisa: "May I speak to you please?"
Lynette: "Um, sure. Here. Stay right there."
Twin: "Yes, Mom."
Alisa signs to Lily to stay there as well and the two mothers go into an empty classroom.
Lynette: "So, how are you?"
Alisa: "Dennis left me."
Lynette: "What?"
Alisa: "Dennis left me!"
Lynette: "Why?"
Alisa: "You told him to. You moron!"
Lynette: "I’m sorry, what?"
Alisa: "You talked to my husband about my marriage and it’s none of your business!"
Lynette: "I’m sorry but I can’t understand you. You're gonna have to talk slower."
Alisa turns, frustrated, toward the door. She goes over and pulls Lily in. She signs something to her daughter then begins signing to Lynette.
Lily (translating): "Dennis said you yelled at him for saying stuff behind my back."
Lynette: "Well, yeah!"
Lily (translating): "And he said you told him our counseling wasn’t working."
Lynette: "Yes, that’s not exactly what I..."
Lily (translating): "Where the hell do you come off telling people to stop going to counseling?"
Lynette: "I didn’t mean that you..."
Lily (translating): "Sure, we have our share of problems. Financial, emotional, sexual..."
Lynette turns to Lily briefly as she translates.
Lily (translating): "...but we were solving them."
Lynette: "Alisa, come here."
She pulls Alisa aside.
Lynette: "Are you sure you want to be saying these things in front of your daughter?"
As she talks, Lynette holds up her purse so Lily can’t see what she is saying.
Alisa: "Now, you’re telling me how to raise my daughter?"
Lynette: "Lily, we’re coming back."
Lynette walks back over to Lily and Alisa follows.
Lynette: "Alisa, I am so sorry if I caused a problem. I just wanted to help."
Alisa: "Why? Why did you want to help?"
Lynette: "Well, because..."
Alisa: "Because I am deaf?"
Lynette: "No, because your husband was being a total jerk!"
Alisa begins signing.
Lily (translating): "You just gotta come in on your white horse and come to the rescue. Well, guess what? I didn’t need to be rescued, got that? I didn’t need to be rescued!"
Alisa and Lily walk to the door. Alisa turns back to Lynette.
Alisa: "Bitch!"
Lily: "Ah, she said..."
Lynette: "Yes, thank you. I know what she just said."
Alisa grabs Lily's arm and storms out.
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Restaurant
Susan and Bill sit at a table in a restaurant.
Susan: "I mean, one minute we’re making out in his truck and the next thing I know, we’re at the hospital and the doctor’s digging a bullet out of him. It’s just that when I started dating Mike, he seemed like such a normal guy, you know?"
Bill: "They always do. You wanna get some nachos?"
Susan: "I mean obviously I am not going to read the letter. At some point you just gotta let it go, right?"
Bill: "Right. You mind if we leave off the jalapeños? I’m not so good with spicy things."
Susan: "I don’t mean to be babbling. It’s just really complicated and there is so much about Mike you don’t even know."
Bill: "That would surprise me at this point."
Susan looks up and sees Edie storming over to their table.
Bill: "Edie."
Edie: "Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone’s in need of Lasik."
Susan: "You tracked us down?"
Edie: "Oh, well, it wasn’t hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan."
Susan: "No, we didn’t. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it."
Edie: "I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship."
Bill: "Am I in the middle of something here?"
Edie: "Not any more. You" (to Susan) "I will hate forever. And you" (to Bill) "are fired."
Susan: "Edie!"
Bill: "You’re firing me because I’m going out with Susan?"
Edie: "Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it."
She walks away. Bill and Susan look exasperated.
Later, on a dark road, Susan drives Bill home.
Bill: "I suppose I could tell her you threw yourself at me. You were lonely, you begged to have dinner and I took pity on you."
Susan: "Well, excuse me, but that, that kinda makes it sound like it was my fault. You can’t possibly blame me. I’m not the one who fired you."
Bill: "Right. You just chose not to tell me that Edie would be insanely mad if I went out with you. Slow down. You’re driving too fast!"
Susan: "You know, this is between you and Edie. I just got sucked into the drama."
Bill: "Yeah. I bet you tell yourself that all the time."
Susan: "What does that mean?"
Bill: "You didn’t get sucked into the drama. You invited it in."
Susan: "That’s not true!"
Bill: "You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex-boyfriend. Even though he’s a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor."
Susan: "Well, no, he didn’t."
Bill: "And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen? No, because you saw the potential for disaster and you just couldn’t resist getting in there."
Susan: "Okay, Mr. let’s-just-have-fun-cause-I’m-the-charming-casual-contractor-man. You chased me, so own it, my friend!"
There's suddenly a loud bang and the front tire on Susan’s car goes flat. Susan is unable to control the car, and it runs off the road.
Later, Susan and Bill sit by the side of the road, the crashed car behind them.
Bill: "You didn’t get that tire fixed did you?"
Susan: "I was meaning to. I guess I do invite the drama in. Just a little."
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom lie in bed, watching TV.
Lynette: "Tom, am I a bad person?"
Tom uses the remote to turn off the TV.
Tom: "No, why would you say that?"
Lynette: "I don’t know. I guess I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped."
Tom: "Well, I did try to warn you."
Lynette: "You did. Why do I do it? This compulsion to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. I mean..."
Tom: "You were just looking out for your friend."
Lynette: "Yeah, a lot of good it did her."
Tom: "At least you tried. I admire you for that."
Lynette: "Oh, please."
Tom: "Hey, I’m the guy who let Dennis badmouth his wife because I was afraid of making a scene. But you, you knew it was wrong and you let him have it."
Lynette: "That’s me. Never afraid to create a scene."
Tom: "My point is you have a strong sense of what is right and you are not afraid to act on it and I admire you for that."
Lynette: "You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say 'I told you so.'"
Lynette leans over and kisses Tom. He signs something to her.
Lynette: "You just signed 'I told you so' didn’t you?"
Tom: "You抣l never prove it."
Tom turns off the light.
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Sacred Heart Hospital
Mr. Steinberg, the man who eavesdropped on Gabrielle and Nurse Heissel's conversation earlier, leads Gabrielle into his office.
Mr. Steinberg: "Thanks for coming in Mrs. Solis. I believe you’re met Nurse Heissel?"
Gabrielle sees Nurse Heissel sitting in the corner.
Gabrielle: "Yes, hello, again."
Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel became quite attached to your mother-in-law. That’s why I asked her to be here for this. First of all, I want you to understand that we consider our commitment to our patients a sacred trust."
Nurse Heissel lets out a sob. Gabrielle turns to look at her.
Gabrielle: "Okay."
Mr. Steinberg: "Having said that, it appears there may, and I stress may, have been a breakdown in our chain of care."
Nurse Heissel sobs again. Again, Gabrielle turns to look at her.
Mr. Steinberg: "I can assure you that we hold our staff to the highest standards in the industry. But we are only human, after all."
Nurse Heissel lets out a long whimper. Gabrielle turns and touches Nurse Heissel.
Gabrielle: "Honey, are you okay?"
Nurse Heissel continues to whimper as she shakes her head.
Mr. Steinberg: "Nurse Heissel, why don’t you step out?"
Nurse Heissel gets up crying.
Nurse Heissel: "I’m so sorry."
Gabrielle: "Uh huh."
Nurse Heissel leaves the room.
Mr. Steinberg: "We all share in your grief."
Gabrielle: "Apparently."
Mr. Steinberg: "And we’re hoping to alleviate any further pain your family may suffer by offering some monetary compensation."
Mr. Steinberg puts a letter in front of Gabrielle. She picks it up to read.
Mr. Steinberg: "Provided you and your husband waive any future right to litigation, of course."
Gabrielle: "Monetary compensation? You’re trying to buy us off?"
Mr. Steinberg: "Let’s not get tangled up in legalese. We like to think of it as an extension of our caring."
Gabrielle: "Well, in that case, care away."
Gabrielle hands the document back, smiling.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle sits in her car in the driveway, talking on the phone.
Gabrielle: "Mr. Hartley, I have a hypothetical question for you. I like to play the lottery and I - yes, I know what the odds are, but I just love those scratch-offs. Say I were to win, I don’t know, a million six hundred thousand dollars. Would the government be able to take it? Like they took everything else?"
There's a pause as Gabrielle listens to the answer, then she gets out of the car.
Gabrielle: "That’s what I thought. The bastards. So, what if we won the lottery after Carlos went to jail? Could the government touch the money then? Hypothetically. I see. And we could keep the house."
Gabrielle walks toward the front door. She sees Carlos vacuuming just inside the front door. He smiles and waves at her. Gabrielle smiles and waves back.
Gabrielle (on the phone): "Oh no, I’m just at the grocery store wondering if I should buy a ticket. Thanks a bunch, Mr. Hartley. So what time should I bring Carlos to the DA’s office tomorrow? Great."
Gabrielle, smiling, hangs up the cell phone.
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Bree's House
Bree walks into the dining room, where Danielle and Rex are seated. She puts down a bowl of food and leans over to kiss Rex.
"We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their daring..."
Danielle turns and looks at her brother’s empty chair.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle and Carlos sit on their couch. Carlos reads the paper and Gabrielle reads a magazine. They are holding hands.
"Sometimes for their bravery..."
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Lynette's House
Lynette feeds the baby in the kitchen. Tom is in the background, watching her.
"Sometimes for their goodness..."
Tom goes over to Lynette and leans down.
Tom (to the baby): "I love you."
Lynette turns to him and signs "I love you."
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Outside
Susan walks towards Mike’s house with his sealed letter in her hands. Susan slides the letter under Mike’s door.
"But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued."
Inside his house, Mike picks up the unopened letter and watches Susan walk away.
"Of course, if the right hero doesn’t come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves."
Susan continues walking back home.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.18 - Children Will Listen
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Detective Burnett" - Brett Cullen
"Mr. Steinberg" - Mark L. Taylor
"The Counselor" - Joel McKinnon Miller
"Milly" - Linda Hart
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Morty" - Bob Newhart
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Detective Beckerman" - John Lacy
"Ashley Bukowski" - Emily Christine
"Pedicurist #1" - Hira Ambrosino
"Pedicurist #2" - Alice Lo
"Woman #1" - Sandy Martin
"Woman #2" - Rochelle Robinson
Written by: Kevin Murphy
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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"There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently."
In bed, Gabrielle puts lotion on her hands while Carlos reads.
Gabrielle: "I'm so lucky to have you."
Carlos: "Okay, I'll bite. Why are you so lucky?"
Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to have kids and you do."
Carlos: "Oh, that."
Gabrielle: "Most men would leave over something like that and you're still here. I'm grateful. I know the sacrifice you're making."
Carlos: "There’s still a little part of me that’s hoping to change your mind. Once you had a baby, I think that you would love it so much that-"
Gabrielle: "Honey, it’s not going to happen."
Carlos: "You never know."
Gabrielle: "No, sometimes you do."
Carlos: "Well, it is a sacrifice. But you're worth it."
Gabrielle leans over and begins kissing Carlos.
"Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week’s time, she'd be pregnant."
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Credits
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"Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children, and while most would spend the day practicing their sports and riding their bikes, and jumping their ropes, others were no longer engaged in child’s play. Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly."
Paul's House, Outside
Zach rakes leaves in the front yard while two men in suits talk with Paul on the front steps.
Detective: "Sorry to bother you on a weekend. We just have a few questions for you."
Paul: "About what?"
Detective: "Twelve years ago your late wife purchased a toy chest."
Paul: "Toy chest?"
Detective: "Yeah, it was about this big, had little dancing bears on it."
Paul: "Gosh, I'm sorry."
Detective #2: "The craftsman who makes these chests keeps a list of customers. Apparently you purchased one in August nineteen ninety-two."
Detective: "Yeah, we'd like to know where that chest is now."
Paul: "Wow, I, um, I wish I could help you. I don't recall any toy chest."
Zach: "I remember. Yeah it had little bears and balloons on it, right?"
Detective: "Yes, son, that’s right."
Zach: "Yeah, we threw that chest away when I was little. I was standing on it and it just busted. Remember, dad?"
Paul: "Vaguely."
Detective: "I guess that’s all, then. Thank you both for your time."
Zach: "Hey. What’s the deal with this chest anyway?"
Detective: "The one just like you had washed up on Torch Lake. It had a woman in it."
Zach: "A woman?"
Detective: "She was all chopped up."
They leave. Zach looks at Paul.
Paul: "Obviously, we need to talk."
They go inside and in the next yard over, Felicia Tilman stands there with gardening shears, watching them.
Zach: "You lied to me. You said there was a man in the box."
Paul: "No, I didn't lie."
Zach: "Well, the policeman said that it was a woman’s body. Of course you were lying."
Paul: "I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us. I never said it was a man."
Zach: "You didn't?"
Paul: "No."
Zach: "Well I thought that-"
Paul: "No."
Zach: "No, stop, please just stop, I know that you're lying to me. I know that you're lying."
Paul: "For the last time. Someone came and tried to take you away from us."
Zach: "Yes, a woman. A woman came."
Paul: "Yes, she tried to steal you. From the only family that you've ever really known. And we couldn't let that happen, and we didn't. And that is the truth."
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Bree's House
Bree packs up a large care package box.
Rex: "We can't cancel now. It’s two days away."
Bree: "Rex, I'm not going. That’s all there is to it."
Rex: "Counseling is part of the treatment at Camp Hennessey. You knew that."
Bree: "Nowhere in that brochure did it say that we were expected to attend."
Rex: "Well, what is Andrew going to think if you don't show up?"
Bree: "Well, I am making him his care package. I mean he'll know that I'm thinking about him."
Rex: "Why are you putting in lemon squares? They told us not to send him sweets."
Bree: "Well, I don't understand why."
Rex: "I guess they feel baked goods from mom undercut the boot camp experience."
Bree: "Fine. I won't send them, but I think it’s a stupid rule."
Rex: "So, are you going to this thing or not?"
Bree: "No."
Rex: "Why?"
Bree: "Because the minute I get there, Andrew will start attacking me for abandoning him, and I don't want to hear it."
Rex: "There’s no reason to feel guilty, you know. You did everything you could for him."
Bree: "I don't feel guilty."
Rex: "Okay."
Rex walks off and Bree puts the lemon squares back in the box before taping it up.
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Lynette's House
Lynette, in a dress with curlers in her hair, is on the phone while holding baby Penny. Parker kneels on a chair, methodically picking the flowers off of a bunch of daisies in a vase.
Lynette: "Please Christy, there is no way that I can get another baby-sitter this late in the day. Parker knock it off."
Parker: "No."
Lynette (on the phone): "Because, I'm having drinks with friends I used to work with and they never call and if I blow them off, that’s it. It's just, I'm dead to them. No, I can't call Patty Binks. Because she steals things. Dammit, Christy you're thirteen-years-old. You've got a lot of trips to the mall ahead of you. Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I raised my voice. I'm calm. So I'm starting to think that this is about money. So what is it that'll make it worth your while? A hundred? Well that’s extortion. There’s no way in hell that I'm going to-hello? Hello? Parker I swear I will spank you. Knock it off."
She dials another number.
Lynette: "Hi, Mrs. Binks. Is Patty there? Thank you."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle walks into the house, with shopping bags, and finds Carlos and Mr. Steinberg, the lawyer from the hospital, in the living room.
Gabrielle: "Hi honey, I'm back."
Carlos: "Hey sweetie. This is Mr. Steinberg, the attorney from the hospital."
Gabrielle: "Oh, have we met?"
Mr. Steinberg: "Yes, Mrs. Solis. We've met."
Carlos: "Don't you remember? It was after mama died. Apparently, the hospital was negligent, and agreed to a seven-figure settlement check. A check I was never told about."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that. Uh, Mr. Steinberg?"
Mr. Steinberg: "I was just leaving."
He leaves, but not after sending a meaningful glance at Carlos.
Carlos: "What were you thinking?"
Gabrielle: "Wait, just let me explain."
Carlos: "No, why the hell didn't you tell me?"
Gabrielle: "Because I couldn't trust you to make the right decision."
Carlos: "No, the right decision was to use that money for my lawyers. We could've bought the indictment and then I wouldn抰've had to take the plea bargain."
Gabrielle: "If you didn't take the plea deal, the government would've seized the settlement."
Carlos: "Oh, we could've bought that in court."
Gabrielle: "Exactly, and then you would've blown all the money on the lawyers."
Carlos: "Who cares? If there was a chance that I'd have to go to jail!"
Gabrielle: "You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour. Don't you think you deserve a time-out?"
Carlos: "Eight months. Thanks to you I'm going away for eight months."
Gabrielle: "And when you get out, we're gonna have money to start over with, thanks to me. You know, once you calm down you're gonna realize I did the right thing. And when that happens, I'll appreciate an apology."
She goes upstairs.
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Susan's House
Susan sits at the kitchen table, painting in a picture of a bear while Julie takes something out of the refrigerator.
The sound of squealing tires is heard, then a crash. Julie looks out the kitchen window. A woman gets out of a car that has crashed into Mike's SUV.
Julie: "Grandma’s here."
Susan joins Julie at the sink and they watch as the woman, obviously distraught, inspects the damage. Mike also gets out of his car to see the damage.
Susan: "Now that is just perfect. Stay put."
She goes outside.
Sophie: "I am so sorry."
Susan: "Hey, mom."
Sophie: "Oh, hey Suzie. I goofed."
Susan: "What happened?"
Sophie: "Oh, you know me, no depth perception whatsoever. This time they even issued me a license."
Mike: "So you're Susan’s mom?"
Sophie: "Yeah, I'm Sophie Bremmer. And you are?"
Mike: "Mike Delfino."
Sophie: "Oh, you're Mike? Oh my god, Susan’s told me so much about you. don't just stand there. Give me a hug."
Susan: "Mom, um, Mike and I aren't together anymore."
Sophie: "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just made this pretty awkward, huh?"
Susan: "Yeah, you, you really did. So let’s just call the insurance company."
Sophie: "Okay. Well, it’s nice meeting you anyway, Mike."
Mike: "You too, and I never would've guessed that you were Susan’s mom."
Sophie: "I know, I look too young. I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager."
Susan: "Okay."
Sophie: "It was the first time I got drunk ever. Can you believe it?"
Susan: "Let’s go."
Sophie: "Her father was a marine. Afterwards he gave me three of his medals."
Susan: "Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"
Susan: "Let’s just go inside and call the insurance company."
Sophie: "All right."
Susan: "And what are you smiling about?"
Mike: "I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered."
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Bree's House, Outside
Bree goes to her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns back around, she sees Lynette, dressed up, pushing baby Penny's carriage, and all three boys behind her. Bree quickly tries to hurry back in the house, but Lynette stops her.
Lynette: "Hi. Hi."
Bree: "Hi, what’s going on?"
Lynette: "Oh, um, my baby-sitter canceled."
Bree: "Oh, Lynette, I'm so swamped today. My house is a mess and I've got millions of errands to run so-"
Lynette: "Please, hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to rejoin the human race for a few hours. There are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look. I'm in a dress, I have make-up on."
Bree: "If it were any other day-"
Lynette: "Oh. for god’s sake, Bree. I'm wearing pantyhose."
Bree: "Bring 'em in."
Lynette: "Thank you, thank you. Okay, in you go."
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Susan's House
Sophie cooks on the stove while Susan brings out vegetables to chop.
Susan: "And then the police showed me his mug shots."
Sophie: "No!"
Susan: "Yes. Mike served time for selling drugs and man slaughter."
Sophie: "I can't believe it."
Susan: "Well, it’s true."
Sophie: "He has such a nice manners, you know?"
Susan: "I know."
Sophie: "Suzie, I don't want you worrying too much about this Mike thing. The right man will come along. Just give it time."
Susan: "I think I would've given up entirely if it weren't for you and Morty."
Sophie: "Morty?"
Susan: "Yeah, you know. It's the third time around for both of you and you're really clicking. Ah. It gives me hope. What’s wrong?"
Sophie: "Nothing, nothing. Um, I'm just, um, tired."
Susan: "You're not tired. You took a nap. What is it?"
Sophie: "I left Morty."
Susan: "What? Why?"
Sophie: "Because he shoved me."
Susan: "Morty? No."
Sophie: "You think I'm lying? Ah! Fine."
Susan: "Why would he shove you?"
Sophie: "Because I confronted him. About how much time he’s spending at the damn pancake restaurant. If that’s where he’s really been."
Susan: "Oh, you can't be serious. Morty?"
Sophie: "You think men his age don't have needs? You should see the waitresses he hires. Every year, they get younger and younger."
Susan: "Maybe you just feel that way because every year you get older and older."
Sophie: "Well, that’s a horrible thing to say."
Susan: "I'm sorry."
Sophie: "I'm not that old."
Susan: "I said I was sorry."
Sophie: "People think we're sisters."
Susan: "Well, that’s 'cause you tell them that."
Sophie: "One time. You've got to let go of that."
Susan: "Okay look, I am just saying that I don't think Morty cheated on you."
Sophie: "Well, he did shove me. The least you could do is be supportive."
Susan: "You're right. You're right."
Sophie: "He also threw a book at me."
Susan: "Oh, come on! I mean, he shouldn't have done that."
Sophie: "Thank you."
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Bree's House
Preston and Parker sit at Bree's table, furiously scribbling with crayons on coloring books. Porter stands near a table with freshly-baked cookies on it and reaches for one.
Bree: "Porter, honey, those cookies are hot. Just wait a few minutes and then I'll give you one when they're cool, okay? You know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines. Well, art is subjective. Porter, what did I tell you?"
Porter: "But I'm hungry."
Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese."
Porter: "Ew, barf."
Bree: "Don't be common, young man. Now come on. If you play around with those cookies one more time I'm gonna have to spank you."
Preston: "We don't get spanked."
Bree: "Really?"
Porter: "Mommy always says she’s gonna, but she never does."
Bree: "Well, I am not your mommy, and if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked. So be good."
She leaves the three boys at the table and goes over to Penny. Porter gets up and goes to the cookies again, this time knocking them over.
Porter: "It was an accident."
Bree: "Porter, I warned you."
Porter: "I'm sorry. I'll be good."
Bree: "Those cookies were made from scratch. Your fate is sealed. Come here."
Porter: "No, no!"
She brings him over to a chair. She sits down, pulls him face-down on her lap and begins spanking him.
Porter: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Parker and Preston, watching from the table, are shocked.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is giving herself a pedicure when Carlos walks into the living room and tosses a piece of paper in front of her.
Gabrielle: "What’s that?"
Carlos: "It’s called a post nuptial agreement. It’s a legal document that-"
Gabrielle: "No I know what a post-nup is. What is it doing on my coffee table?"
Carlos: "Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check...if I'm sure that you'll really going to be around when I get out of jail."
Gabrielle: "And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup. So..."
Carlos: "So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing."
Gabrielle: "You don't trust me?"
Carlos: "I'm afraid not."
Gabrielle: "Well, that’s too bad, because I'm not signing that piece of paper."
Carlos: "You're a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle, but you're not very bright. You see, if you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get what amounts to about fifty percent of our current savings, which is basically nothing."
Gabrielle: "So, what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos? Sign the paper and jump right back into your arms?"
Carlos: "It doesn't mean that I don't love you. You know how I think you're the perfect woman?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, but I'm not. I have flaws."
Carlos: "Flaws?"
Gabrielle: "Hmm hmm. I'm gonna give you an example. Remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment? And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there? Well, me being pretty and therefore, stupid, I forgot."
Carlos: "You didn't burn the papers?"
Gabrielle: "Worse. I read them."
Carlos: "Okay, okay."
Gabrielle: "You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands."
Carlos: "That was a safety net for both of us."
Gabrielle: "I'll bet."
Carlos: "Have you told anyone else about this?"
Gabrielle: "No, but I could. Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made. So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust, post-nup ever again. You don't want to piss me off."
She starts to walk off. Carlos grabs a vase and throws it against the wall, where it shatters.
Gabrielle: "I know, baby. It hurts to lose."
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Lynette's House
Gabrielle, Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Sophie are sitting around the kitchen table, playing cards. Susan deals.
Susan: "Ante up."
Sophie: "Well, look at me. Finally in on one of your legendary poker parties. Susan’s always telling me how much fun you girls have."
Susan: "Well, the rules are simple. We play for cash. The dealer picks the game and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged."
Sophie: "Ah!"
Lynette: "Bree, thanks again for watching my boys. You're sure they weren't too much to handle?"
Bree: "Oh no, we had a wonderful time. Although I think Porter had a little less fun. Okay I'll bet."
Gabrielle: "So Sophie, Susan says you guys are going to a spa tomorrow. Is that an all-day thing?"
Lynette: "What do you mean Porter had less fun? I'll raise."
Bree: "Well, he was misbehaving so I had to punish him."
Sophie: "So yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of beauty-"
Lynette: "So, when you say punishment what exactly are we talking about?"
Bree: "Oh, I had to spank him. Okay, I will re-raise."
Lynette: "You spanked my son?"
Sophie: "Las Breesa’s Spa. Yup, that’s where we're going."
Bree: "Lynette, is there a problem?"
Lynette: "Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids. I thought you knew that."
Bree: "Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again. Of course, I'm somewhat surprised you don't spank them. I mean everybody knows they're a little bit out of control."
Susan: "Wow, I am just dragging today. Should we put on another pot of coffee?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I'll do it."
Sophie: "I'll, I'll fold."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're right Bree. I've got a lot to learn about parenting, and I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you. I mean your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't call Andrew. Where is he again, hmm? Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents."
Susan: "Okay, girls."
Bree: "I never said I was perfect."
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, nobody’s blaming you."
Lynette: "The hell I'm not."
Susan: "Lynette."
Bree: "If you will excuse me."
She leaves.
Gabrielle: "Lynette, will you go after her?"
Lynette: "She spanked my son. I'm not apologizing."
She leaves.
Susan: "Usually poker is more fun than this."
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom get ready for bed.
Lynette: "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will lose it."
Tom: "Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter, but it’s not like she hurt him."
Lynette: "That is not the point. You don't spank other people’s children."
Tom: "He was misbehaving. She had to do something. But make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're damn right she did. She could've tried something else, like a timeout or she could've simply threatened to spank him."
Tom: "Yeah, because that works out so well when we do it."
Lynette: "It does work. It does work most of the time."
Tom: "It used to work. They've figured out it’s an empty threat. They're onto us."
Lynette: "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me, and I won't do it. I will not become my mother."
Tom: "Fine, but the boys are getting older and smarter and eventually, believe me, eventually, they're going to figure out that they out number us and then..."
Lynette: "We're screwed."
Tom: "Exactly."
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Paul's House, Nighttime
Zach sits on the porch, playing guitar, while Felicia Tilman removes groceries from her car.
Felicia: "Excuse me, Zachary, would you mind helping me with these bags? There’s some banana bread in it for you if you do."
Zach: "Uh, yeah, sure."
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Felicia's House
Zach sits at the table, eating banana bread, with a glass of milk in front of him.
Zach: This is really good, Mrs. Tilman. Thanks a lot."
Felicia: "You're welcome, Zachary."
Zach: "You know, I've never actually been in Mrs. Huber’s house before."
Felicia: "Obviously you haven't missed much. This is the place where good taste goes to die. So I heard you and your father arguing the other day. Everything all right at home?"
Zach: "Yeah. We just have problems sometimes."
Felicia: "I bet you miss your mother. I'm sure things were different when she was alive. Such a warm, loving woman."
Zach: "You knew my mother?"
Felicia: "Yup. Years ago in Utah. We worked together."
Zach: "I didn't know that."
Felicia: "It’s true. In fact, I'll tell you a secret. I once met you when you were a little baby."
Zach: "Really."
Felicia: "Mmm hmm. Your mother loved you so much, Zachary. Of all the things I remember, I remember that the most."
Zach starts to cry and Felicia gently removes the banana bread from his hand and gives him a napkin.
Felicia: "You want to know what else I remember? How lovely your original name was."
Zach: "Dana."
She smiles and nods very slightly.
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Spa
Sophie and Susan are seated in leather chairs, getting calf massages. They each have on a spa robe and their hair is twisted up in a towel.
Sophie: "Isn't this nice? Just the two of us girls hanging out, getting pretty. Ah, thank you."
Susan: "My pleasure. So I was thinking maybe you should call Morty. You know, get started working things out."
Sophie: "Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me?"
The women massaging them gasp.
Susan: "Oh you don't have to gasp. My mother exaggerates."
Sophie: "She won't be happy, 'til I have bruises."
Susan: "Okay, um. Can we just focus? What I want to know is, have you thought about what’s gonna happen if you don't go back to Morty?"
Sophie: "What do you mean?"
Susan: "Well, you don't have a place to live, you don't like to work, you didn't want to marry Morty so he doesn't have to pay you alimony. It's just, if you don't go back to this man who allegedly shoved you once in five years, what are your options?"
Sophie: "I thought I could live with you."
Susan: "What?"
Susan, in reflex, kicks out, hitting the masseuse in the nose. She cries out loudly in pain.
Susan: "Oh god. Are you all right?"
Masseuse: "You kicked me!"
Susan: "Oh I'm so sorry. I was startled. Here, here, lean your head back."
Sophie: "I'm not saying permanently. Just for a couple of years."
Masseuse: "You broke my nose."
Susan: "No, no, it’s just banged a little."
Sophie: "Till I get back on my feet."
Susan: "Mom, can we talk about this later?"
Masseuse #2: "Should we call nine-one-one?"
Susan: "No, just a nose bleed. She’s fine."
Sophie: "I thought you'd be excited by the idea."
Susan: "It’s not that I'm not excited."
Sophie: "I'm not stupid, Susan. It’s obvious you don't want me here."
Susan: "No that’s not true. Mom don't go. Mom come back. You know I need to-we抮e good, right?"
Masseuse: "Just go."
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Outside
Gabrielle jogs down the street and stops when she sees John also jogging. He stops and they stare at each other from across the street. He starts to cross the street towards her, but she holds up her hands to stop him. He mouths "What?" at her, but obediently stays on his side of the street. Gabrielle starts jogging again. John watches her go.
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Bree's House
Bree sits near the bed, looking at outfits lying on the bed.
Rex: "Why aren't you dressed yet?"
Bree: "I wanted to wear Andrew’s favorite color, and then I realized that...I don't know what it is."
Rex: "Oh honey, I think the fact that you decided to come at all will make him happy."
Bree: "Yours is blue, Danielle loves pink, and I have no idea what my own son’s favorite color is."
Rex: "I'm telling you, it doesn't matter."
Bree: "How can you say that it doesn't matter? Of course it matters."
Rex: "Bree."
Bree: "That is what makes a good mother. Someone who knows their child inside and out, so that if they get in trouble, they know what to do. I don't know him well enough."
Rex: "You are a good mother."
Bree: "Brown or green. I just don't know."
Rex: "I'm gonna wait in the car. Whenever you're ready."
Bree: "Green. I'll go with green. Everybody loves green."
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle sits at the table, reading a magazine. Carlos walks up behind her and puts the post-nup on her magazine.
Gabrielle: "I told you. I'm not signing this."
Carlos: "Oh, I think you are. Because if you don't, I will divorce you."
Gabrielle: "Then I'll go to the police."
Carlos: "And tell them what? There’s a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that no longer exists?"
Gabrielle: "You moved the money?"
Carlos: "Of course, I moved the money."
Gabrielle: "Well, that was risky. I mean, the feds are watching you right now."
Carlos: "I had to do something. I couldn't just let you make a fool out of me."
Gabrielle turns to run and Carlos chases after her. He grabs her and picks her up, carrying her to the table.
Gabrielle: "Stop, Carlos stop it! Put me down!"
Carlos: "Okay."
He deposits her in the chair, positions the paper in front of her and forcibly grabs her hand, putting the pen in it.
Gabrielle: "Let me go. Ah! Stop! you're hurting me. Carlos!"
He clamps onto her hand with one hand and holds onto her chin with the other.
Carlos: "Sign it. SIGN IT!"
Crying, Gabrielle signs the paper. He lets her go and takes the paper, walking over to the entrance of the living room. He leans against the wall.
Carlos: "I know baby. It hurts to lose."
She storms out of the house.
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Camp Hennessey
Dozens of boys engage in carrying large duffel bags on their backs, or running, while Bree and Rex sit at a small picnic table that's been set up with coffee and snacks.
A man comes up to them.
Director: "Mr. And Ms. Van De Kamp?"
Bree: "Um, yes. Is it our turn?"
Director: "Well, sort of. Andrew is waiting inside but, um..."
Rex: "What’s wrong?"
Director: "Well, he said he won't go forward with the session if his mother’s involved. He only wants to talk to his dad."
Rex: "We drove two hundred miles to be here today. This is unacceptable."
Director: "I share your frustration."
Rex: "All right. To hell with him then. We're going home."
Bree: "No."
Rex: "I am not gonna let him insult you like this."
Bree: "He blames me for his being here. He blames me for everything, and he’s probably right."
Rex: "Any mistakes made were made by both of us."
Bree: "One of us should go talk to him, see how he is. I'm okay."
Rex: "Are you sure?"
Bree: "Yeah. I'm fine."
Director: "Right this way."
Bree watches them enter a cabin with a sign on it that reads "Counseling Center." When the door is opened and Rex enters, Andrew is right there and Bree watches as he hugs Rex. He catches sight of Bree. She waves to him and he closes the door.
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Lynette's House
The three boys are in the bathroom, giggling over the toilet.
Parker: "Mom! Mom!"
Lynette: "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming. What is it? Why aren't you guys brushing your teeth?"
She looks in the toilet and sees a red toothbrush floating in it.
Lynette: "Parker, what happened?"
Parker: "Porter pushed me and it fell in."
Porter: "He pushed me first."
Preston: "Can I flush it?"
Lynette: "No, no, I'll fish it out later all right? You're off the hook for tonight, but not you two, so start brushing."
Porter and Parker walk to the sink, but Preston stays behind.
Lynette: "Preston, did you not hear me? I said start brushing your teeth."
Preston opens up the lid of the toilet and grins.
Lynette: "What are you doing?"
Preston holds his toothbrush over the toilet.
Lynette: "Don't you dare."
Porter and Parker: "Do it, do it, do it."
Lynette: "Preston, don't listen to them. Back away from the toilet and no one gets hurt. I mean it this time. These are not just words. If you do this, so help me..."
"Hearing the hollowness of her own voice Lynette realized that it was time to get one step ahead."
Lynette: "I will walk you over to Mrs. Van De Kamp’s and we all know what happens when she gets mad."
Preston's grin disappears and he quickly lowers the toilet bowl lid.
Lynette: "Now, go brush your teeth and I want 'em to sparkle. Go on."
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Camp Hennessey
Two women sit at the next table over from Bree, smoking and drinking coffee.
Woman: "Sorry you had to bring your kid back. What happened this time?"
Woman #2: "Well, a couple months back I caught Doug going through my purse."
Woman: "Oh, I hate when they do that. Was he looking for weed or money?"
Woman#2: "Oh, who knows at this point? Anyway I knocked a couple back, and things got heated and pretty soon we're both screaming and throwing stuff around the apartment. Next thing you know the lady upstairs calls the cops on us."
Woman: "Oh, gimme a break."
Woman#2: "So, now I got some social worker trying to tell me how to raise my boy."
Woman: "Kids. Boy, if I knew then what I know now, I would've had that hysterectomy twenty years ago."
Bree stares at them, the purposefully takes her purse and walks into the Counseling Center.
Rex: "Uh. Bree."
Bree: "Don't get up. I'll be quick. Andrew, all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools to succeed in life. Education, love, a good clean safe home. Well, I have given you those things and I am through feeling guilty, so if you want to piss your life away and blame it on how horrible things are at home you go ahead, but I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother. Do you hear me? I am a good mother."
Rex: "Bree, Andrew just told me he thinks he might be gay."
Bree: "What?"
Rex: "That’s why he wanted me to come in first. He thought I could take it better."
Bree: "Well, he was right. I will be waiting in the car."
She leaves.
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John's Apartment
There's a knock on the door and when John opens it, Gabrielle is there.
John: "Mrs. Solis? What are you doing here?"
She pushes him against the wall and kisses him.
John: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "Are your roommates here?"
John: "No. Are you okay?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah."
He sees the bruise on her arm.
John: "What’s this?"
Gabrielle: "That, uh, Carlos just got a little rough. He needed me to sign some papers."
John: "He hurt you?"
Gabrielle: "John? What are you doing?"
John: "I'm gonna take care of this."
Gabrielle: "No, you're not gonna do anything."
John: "No, we're not gonna let him get away with this."
Gabrielle: "Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me."
John: "How’s that gonna help?"
Gabrielle: "Because, one day when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that’s gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful."
They kiss.
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Pancake Restaurant
Susan walks into the restaurant. A waitress notices her.
Milly: "Oh, Morty, look who's here."
Susan: "Hey Milly, hi Morty."
Morty: "Hey Suzie. What brings you here?"
Susan: "Mom. I brought her over."
She motions to the parking lot, where Sophie is pacing in front of the car.
Morty: "What’s she doing out there?"
Susan: "She says she won't come in until you go out and apologize to her."
Morty: "For, for what?"
Susan: "For shoving her."
Morty: "I only shoved her 'cause she wouldn't stop hitting me."
Susan: "Why was she hitting you?"
Morty: "I threw a book at her."
Susan: "Morty!"
Morty: "It was, it was a paperback."
Susan: "Well, even so."
Morty: "Well, at least I missed. She hit me swear on the gut. Want to see the bruise?"
Susan: "That’s okay. That’s okay."
Morty: "It really hurt."
Susan: "Yeah, I understand. So, could you, uh, just go out and apologize?"
Morty: "No."
Susan: "Why?"
Morty: "Because I don't want her back."
Susan: "Morty!"
Morty: "Look, I love her, but the Pancake Shack is just starting to take off. We were talking about opening another one. I mean, that’s practically a chain. I don't have time for her hysterics."
Susan: "Yeah, I sympathize I really do, but you have to take her back."
Morty: "Why?"
Susan: "Because she wants to move in with me."
Morty: "Oh."
Susan: "Morty, I'd like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with a kid, I mean if she moves into my house, even for a couple years, I'm doomed."
Morty: "Wasn't there a plumber? Your mother said you were in love with a plumber."
Susan: "I am. I mean, I was. It didn't work out."
Morty: "I'm sorry."
Susan: "If she moves in, she will burn up all my oxygen and I need it. Please, can't you give her another chance? You guys are really good together. You know? When there’s no violence."
Morty: "Well, we do have chemistry."
Susan: "Absolutely."
Morty: "And the you know, sex was like, wow. I mean, there was this one time, we were coming home on the interstate."
Susan: "You don't have to sell me. Go, just go talk to her. Now."
Morty: "Okay."
He walks out there and Susan sighs.
Milly: "That was a mighty big sigh."
Susan: "I just keep thinking it’s coming, Milly, and I can't stop it."
Milly: "What’s that?"
Susan: "The day my mother will need to move in with me and I won't have a choice. I know it's years away."
From behind Susan, in the parking lot, Morty and Sophie start arguing and Sophie starts hitting Morty.
Susan: "She’s youthful and vibrant, thank god, but time flies. One day she won't be able to take care of herself anymore and I'll have to step up."
Milly: "I suppose that’s true."
Susan: "I think it’s nature’s little joke. The children ultimately end up parenting their parents. Well when that day comes, I'll be ready."
Milly: "Honey, you'd better get out there."
Morty: "Ouch, stop it."
Susan runs out after them.
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Lynette's House, Outside
The three boys play with Lynette and each other, while Tom watches the baby. Across the street, Bree comes out of her house. Lynette sees her and stops playing. Bree sees her and her step falters, then she continues to the mailbox.
They stare at each other across the street, then Bree starts walking up to her house. Lynette crosses the street.
Lynette: "Hey. Look, I just wanted to apologize."
Bree: "Lynette, don't. The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me. And if anyone here should apologize, it’s me."
Lynette: "Thank you. Looks like Tom's got the mob under control. Want to have some coffee? Sit around, bitch about our kids?"
Bree: "I would love to."
Lynette: "Okay."
Today, they walk towards Lynette's house.
"Children come into the world with their own agendas. Some to brighten our days..."
Tom, feeding baby Penny, throws back his head and laughs.
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Lynette's House, Inside
"Some to test our patience..."
As Bree and Lynette drink coffee at the table, the three boys play inside and knock some books over. Lynette buries her head in her hands and Bree strokes her arm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Felicia's House
"Some to give us purpose..."
Zach looks through photo albums while Felicia sits next to him.
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Susan's House
"Some to take care of us..."
Sophie sleeps on the couch, an open book in her hands. Susan comes over and closes the book.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bree's House
Bree dusts in the living room and comes across a photo of Andrew.
"Yes, when they come children change everything."
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John's Apartment
"Especially when they're not invited."
Gabrielle and John kiss in his bed, and she collapses on his chest, spent.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.19 - Live Alone and Like It
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Noah" - Bob Gunton
"Mrs. McClusky" - Kathryn Joosten
"Detective Sullivan" - Nick Chinlund
"Reverend Sikes" - Dakin Matthews
"Tim" - James Michael Connor
"Sam" - Geoff Pierson
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Lamont" - Patrick Dollaghan
"Waiter" - David Pevsner
"Delivery Guy" - Lawrence LeJohn
"Ice Cream Vendor" - Paul Rae
Written by: Jenna Bans
Directed by: Arlene Sanford
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Lynette’s Kitchen
Lynette lifts two full trash bags out of the trash can and carries them across the house.
"Every morning as she went to take out her trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream, the details of which were always the same."
Lynette looks out her kitchen door at her neighbor, Karen McClusky, who’s watering her lawn.
"One day, her nasty neighbor Karen McClusky would keel over and die."
Mrs. McClusky falls backward, dead. A moving van appears in front of Mrs. McClusky’s home.
"And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family with two adorable twin daughters."
The moving van pulls away. Standing on Mrs. McClusky’s lawn is a man, a woman, and young twin girls waving at Lynette.
"The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for."
Lynette daydreams that her family and the new neighbors meet in the middle of the street, shake hands and hugs. Lynette pictures a beautiful wedding with her twins marrying the new neighbors twins.
"Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs. McClusky always had a way of pulling her back to reality."
Lynette steps out her kitchen door and sees Mrs. McClusky carrying Lynette's two garbage cans across the street. Lynette runs after her.
Lynette: "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why are you stealing my garbage cans?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Garbage pickup was two days ago, and these cans have been on the street ever since. I just assumed you didn't want 'em anymore."
Lynette: "Oh, that's very cute. That's good. Here. Give them here."
Lynette takes the cans away from Mrs. McClusky and carries them back to her house.
Mrs. McClusky: "It's bad enough we got to look at that god-awful color you painted the house. We shouldn't have to stare at your cans for days on end."
Lynette: "You want to talk about good neighbor etiquette? How about you hire a gardener to take care of that jungle you call a lawn?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I am on a fixed income."
Lynette: "Oh. Well, perhaps you should consider moving somewhere less expensive, like a nursing home."
Mrs. McClusky: "Go to hell."
Mrs. McClusky turns and begins walking back to her house.
Lynette: "Run by Germans, hmm?"
Mrs. McClusky waves a dismissive hand in Lynette's direction. Lynette puts her trash cans in her yard and turns back toward Mrs. McClusky
Lynette: "And you know..."
Mrs. McClusky stumbles.
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh. Oh."
She begins crawling on her hands and knees to her house.
Lynette: "Mrs., Mrs. McClusky. Mrs. McClusky, are you all right?"
Mrs. McClusky continues crawling to her yard.
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh, oh."
Lynette seems at a loss about what to do. She runs toward Mrs. McClusky’s front door.
Lynette: "I'll get the door. "
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh."
Mrs. McClusky falls face down.
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky!"
"For a brief moment, Lynette was presented with an interesting choice of options."
Lynette looks up and sees her dream family standing in front of the moving van.
"And though she knew she'd hate herself in the morning, Lynette chose to do the right thing."
In front of Mrs. McClusky’s house, ambulance attendants are lifting her on a gurney into the ambulance. She has oxygen tubes in her nose.
Mrs. McClusky: "Lynette, where are they taking me?"
Lynette: "You're going to the hospital, Mrs. McClusky. You're gonna be fine."
Mrs. McClusky: "I don't want to go alone. Come with me."
Lynette: "Oh, um, these are trained technicians, and I've got a roast in the...freezer."
Mrs. McClusky: "Please. I'm scared."
Lynette: "Yeah, I'll come with you. Okay, here I am."
Mrs. McClusky: "Thank you."
Lynette climbs into the ambulance and sits next to Mrs. McClusky.
Mrs. McClusky: "If I die, I don't want it to be with strangers."
Lynette: "You're not going to die."
Mrs. McClusky: "How can you be so sure?"
"Of course, Lynette didn't respond. How could she tell her neighbor that some dreams were just too beautiful to come true?"
As the ambulance drives away with the siren blaring, Lynette sees her dream family on Mrs. McClusky’s lawn waving goodbye to her.
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Credits
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Cemetery
Noah sits on a stone bench looking at a picture of his daughter and saying the Rosary.
"Life is a journey, one that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. But sometimes, we lose our companions along the way, and then the journey becomes unbearable."
Mike approaches.
Mike: "Noah. Didn't know you were a religious man. What's with the Rosary?"
Noah: "They found Deirdre."
Mike: "What?"
Noah: "Her body had been stuffed inside a toy chest. Can you believe that? A kid's toy chest. She'd been dismembered."
Noah begins sighing heavily, almost crying. Mike sits next to him in shock.
Mike: "My god."
Noah: "Cops I.D抏d her from her dental records. She's been dead fifteen years. All that time I was looking for her, she was already gone."
Mike: "I'm so sorry."
Noah: "I have to bury my baby. I came out here to, uh, figure out what kind of tombstone to get her."
Noah stands up. Mike follows him.
Mike: "You shouldn't be doing this now. Let's get you home."
Noah: "There's a cop I want you to talk to."
Mike: "A cop?"
Noah: "His name is Sullivan. I paid him to take the heat off you for your neighbor's murder. He'll get you the file on Deirdre's case. Apparently, they have some leads."
Noah walks away.
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Camp Hennessey
Bree and Rex are sitting on the porch.
Rex: "I don't know. I think we may be making a huge mistake."
Bree: "We made our decision. Let's just stick to it."
Rex: "Let's say we leave him here three more weeks. What's the worst that could happen?"
Bree: "Our son just told us that he might be gay. There are two hundred other boys in this camp. Now, I could explain to you what might happen if we left him here, but I'm a lady, and I don't use that kind of language."
Rex: "You know, I bet we're worrying ourselves sick over nothing. This is probably just a phase."
Bree: "Exactly, so we'll get him home, we'll get him into Christian counseling, so it won't become a lifestyle."
Rex: "Well, whatever's going on with him, he's still our son, and we love him."
Bree: "Why would you say that to me?"
Rex: "Because it's obvious how freaked out you are by the whole gay thing."
Bree: "I may be freaked out, but that doesn't change how I feel about him."
Rex: "I'm just saying: be cool."
Andrew comes out onto the porch with his bag.
Bree: "I can be just as cool as you can."
Rex: "All right."
Rex hugs Andrew.
Rex: "It'll be nice to have you back."
Bree approaches Andrew and puts her hands on his arms.
Bree: "Andrew, I would love you even if you were a murderer."
Bree hugs him and Rex and Andrew look at each other in disbelief.
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Outside Lynette's House
An ice cream truck with a line of children is parked on the curb. Lynette, with the stroller, is standing nearby. One of the twins runs up to Lynette.
Twin: "Mommy, the line's not moving."
Susan: "Oh, for Pete's sake."
Susan walks quickly to the ice cream truck, where her mother is leaning on the counter, laughing.
Susan: "Mom. Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"
Susan: "Kids are waiting."
Sophie: "Oh, honey, Hector here teaches salsa dancing at the community center."
Hector: "I give private lessons, too."
Sophie: "Oh, I bet you do."
Susan: "Mom!"
Sophie: "What?"
Susan pulls Sophie away from the ice cream truck.
Susan: "Could you please not flirt with the ice cream man?"
Sophie: "Why not?"
Susan: "Do you need a reason beyond the fact that he's the ice cream man?"
Sophie: "It's called moving on with your life."
Susan: "You just broke up with Morty two weeks ago. Don't you think you can at least pretend to mourn the relationship?"
Sophie: "Oh, you are such a stick in the mud. We should be out there having fun. I know what we can do tonight. We can go to some hip club and get some hot guys."
Susan: "Mom."
Sophie: "Oh, it'll be great! I'll say I'm forty-two, and you can be twenty-eight. What? Oh, you could pull it off."
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Lynette's House
Lynette opens her front door and Mrs. McClusky is there.
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky, you're back from the hospital already?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Turns out I O.D.ed a little bit on my arthritis medication. One pill, I can open a jar. Four pills, I'm face-down crawling for my life. You'll find out about that soon enough."
Lynette: "Well, I'm glad to hear you're all right."
Mrs. McClusky: "Here."
Mrs. McClusky hands Lynette a green Tiffany lamp.
Mrs. McClusky: "My way of saying thank you for not letting me die out there on the lawn."
Lynette: "Oh, Mrs. McClusky, you don't ..."
Mrs. McClusky: "Keep it! It's genuine Tiffany. It's been in my family for years."
Lynette: "I don't know what to say. It's, it's stunning. Thank you."
Mrs. McClusky hugs Lynette. Lynette looks confused.
Lynette: "I'd invite you in, but-"
Mrs. McClusky: "Well, I wanted to tell you what my doctor said. Seems that arthritis is the least of my problems."
Mrs. McClusky walks into Lynette’s house. Lynette is speechless.
Mrs. McClusky: "See, I had this skin tag -- or what I thought was a skin tag, but it turns out it might be more serious."
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Gabrielle's House, Nighttime
Gabrielle is lying in bed, reading. Carlos walks into the room and tries to sit on the bed. Gabrielle puts her foot on Carlos?chest to stop him.
Gabrielle: "What do you think you're doing?"
Carlos: "Please, I can't sleep in the den anymore. I need to sleep in a bed."
Gabrielle: "Well, then, you might want to try a motel, because you're not coming back in here!"
Gabrielle shoves Carlos back with her foot. He sighs.
Carlos: "How many times have I got to say I'm sorry?"
Gabrielle: "Obviously, a few more."
Carlos: "I am not proud of what I did. I admit, I was way out of line."
Gabrielle: "You want back in this bed? You know what to do."
Carlos: "I'm not tearing up the post-nup."
Gabrielle: "Why not?"
Carlos: "Because it's the one way that I can ensure you'll be here when I get out of jail."
Gabrielle: "Well, then have fun at the motel."
Carlos: "Fine. Tomorrow I'm canceling your credit cards."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "And I'm taking away your ATM as well."
Gabrielle: "What am I supposed to do for money?"
Carlos: "Maybe once you see how good you've got it here, you'll start treating me with a little respect."
Gabrielle: "You want my respect? Then tear up the post-nup."
Carlos: "Give me my pillow."
Gabrielle: "One more thing. If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."
Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."
Gabrielle throws the pillow at Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"
Carlos walks out of the room.
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John's Apartment
John is kissing his way up Gabrielle’s arm. Gabrielle lets him, but sits there with her head propped up on her hand, looking disinterested and distracted. John begins kissing Gabrielle’s neck.
Gabrielle: "I feel trapped."
John: "You want me to open a window?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life."
John: "Oh. Are we done making out?"
Gabrielle: "No, no. Keep going."
John continues to nuzzle Gabrielle’s neck.
John: "So what's up?"
Gabrielle: "I'm unhappy with Carlos and my marriage. I feel like I don't have options, and it's driving me crazy. Every time something went south in my life, I always had a plan B. Now I feel like I have nothing."
John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"
Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"
John: "Stop pretending we have a future."
Gabrielle: "Thank you."
John: "Can't you just walk out?"
Gabrielle: "No, 'cause if I leave, then I'll be broke, and that's awful. If I stay, then he's in control, and that's horrifying. And he cut up all my credit cards, which means I'm married to him and unable to shop, which is probably the worst of all possible worlds."
John: "I'm sorry."
Gabrielle: "I'll figure something out. I'm not much fun today. I'm gonna go."
Gabrielle stands up and picks up her purse.
John: "Wait."
John pulls out his wallet and hands Gabrielle a credit card.
Gabrielle: "What's this?"
John: "You deserve nice things, and if Mr. Solis won't provide them, I will."
Gabrielle: "With your student credit card?"
John: "I own my own business."
Gabrielle: "You mow lawns."
John: "I make good money. You know, I have 20 houses, and I'm this close to getting the driving range at the country club."
Gabrielle: "I can't."
Gabrielle hands the card back to John.
John: "Yes, you can."
John hands the card back to Gabrielle. She takes the card.
Gabrielle: "I'll pay it off."
John: "If you want. But you don't have to. Mrs. Solis...to take care of you...it's my dream."
Gabrielle: "Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of a young man's dream."
Gabrielle tucks the card into her purse and she and John fall back onto the bed.
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Lynette's House
Lynette is on the phone in the kitchen. She grabs her purse. She grabs books and notebooks and puts them into her oversized bags.
Lynette: "Okay, Tom, yeah. I will swing by the dry cleaners after I hit the market. Mm, I don't know. Porter has a dentist appointment at four o'clock, so the, um, car might have to wait until tomorrow. Okay, yeah. I love you, too. Bye-bye."
Lynette hangs up and opens the front door. Mrs. McClusky is standing there.
Mrs. McClusky: "Hi there. I brought you some avocados. I have a tree in back, but I hate 'em, and your family seems like the kind that would eat guacamole."
Lynette: "Um, Mrs. McClusky, thank you. That is very nice."
Mrs. McClusky: "So let's make up a batch."
Lynette: "Oh, um, now's not a good time. I'm, I'm on my way out. I have a ton of errands."
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh, that's great, because my car's on the fritz, and I could hitch a ride. I need to drop by the pharmacy, anyway."
Lynette: "No, I can't. I'm sorry, but I-I have a lot of things to do."
Mrs. McClusky: "Maybe you could take me later. I could drop by tomorrow."
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky, I'm not gonna have any time tomorrow."
Mrs. McClusky: "Oh. Kind of interesting that you can't spend two minutes with me, but you have no trouble taking my Tiffany lamp."
Lynette: "Oh, for God's sakes."
Lynette walks back into her house shaking her head. She comes back to the door carrying the lamp. She hands the lamp back to Mrs. McClusky.
Lynette: "Here. You should take this back. I-I don't have a place for it."
Mrs. McClusky: "But that was my thank you for saving my life."
Lynette: "I know, and it was a beautiful gesture. Really. But I just-"
Mrs. McClusky: "Save it, Lynette. I get the picture."
Mrs. McClusky grabs the lamp and walks away.
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Susan's House, nighttime
Susan, yawning, walks down the stairs in just a T-shirt. She sees her mother sitting in a chair with a man standing behind her rubbing her shoulders. Susan pulls her T-shirt down trying to cover her bare legs.
Susan: "Aah! Oh! Oh, God."
Sophie: "Susie, this is Tim."
Tim: "Sorry we startled you."
Susan: "Oh, uh, that's okay. I, I just didn't expect to see anybody up at a quarter to one."
Sophie: "Oh, Susie, you should have come out tonight. I met Tim here at the Islands Bar, and he introduced me to this crazy drink. The Dirty Volcano. Ahhh."
Tim: "Whoo!"
Sophie: "And then we danced, and he dipped me."
Tim: "Sophie's very limber."
Susan: "Uh, mom, could I just talk to you in the family room for a minute?"
Sophie: "Oh, sure."
Tim: "Susan is your daughter?"
Sophie: "Yep."
Tim: "No, she can't be."
Sophie: "Yes."
Tim: "No."
Sophie: "Yeah!"
Tim: "No!"
Sophie: "Yeah!"
Tim: "No!"
Sophie: "Yes."
Susan: "Okay, we get it. She looks young."
Susan drags her mother into the other room.
Sophie: "Oh. That man has magic fingers."
Susan: "What are you doing? I have a teenage daughter in the house. You can't just bring strange men you meet in bars here in the middle of the night."
Sophie: "We're just having a few laughs. What's the big deal?"
Susan: "I know you're trying to get over Morty, but this is not the way to do it, so can you please just go out there and tell him to go home?"
Sophie: "You know how blue I've been. Why can't you be supportive?"
Susan: "I have been plenty supportive."
Sophie: "No, you haven't. You really haven't. Now, Tim is my guest, and he will go home when I say so."
Susan: "If he's not gone in five minutes, I'm gonna go out there and tell him exactly how old you really are."
Sophie blinks at Susan, then nods slightly, and walks back into the living room.
Sophie: "Tim, it's time for me to go sleepy-pie."
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Darkened Parking Garage
Mike Delfino stands in the nearly empty garage and looks around. A man standing off in the distance calls his name.
Detective Sullivan: "Delfino."
Mike: "Yeah. You must be Sullivan."
The plainclothes man hands Mike a file.
Detective Sullivan: "The file on Noah's daughter."
Mike: "Yeah, he said you had some leads."
Detective Sullivan: "Yeah, sure, we got some leads."
Mike: "Is there a problem?"
Detective Sullivan: "Gee, I don't know. I'm handing a confidential police report over to a killer and drug dealer. Why should that be a problem?"
Mike: "Thanks."
Mike walks away.
Detective Sullivan: "Is this what our justice system has come to? Guys like you walking the street without a care in the world?"
Mike: "I did my time."
Detective Sullivan: "Not nearly enough, you piece of garbage."
Mike walks back to the officer.
Mike: "You know, I'm glad we had the chance to meet, because apparently, I'm no longer a murder suspect thanks to you, so I don't want to seem ungrateful. But just out of curiosity, how much does it cost to buy off a homicide detective these days? Thanks again."
Mike turns and walks away from the officer again.
Detective Sullivan: "Hey, Delfino...one more thing."
Sullivan comes up quickly behind Mike, pulling out his gun as he does so. Mike turns around and Sullivan hits Mike in the face with the pistol. Mike falls. Sullivan kicks Mike in the stomach, twice. Mike tries to get up. The officer hits Mike on the head with the gun. Mike collapses. The officer picks up the file and leans over Mike.
Detective Sullivan: "Now, this file was misplaced. Understand? If even a whisper of this gets traced back to me, there will be one less cop killer on the street."
Sullivan stands and throws the file down next the Mike.
Detective Sullivan: "And for God's sakes, don't get any blood on the file."
He walks away, leaving Mike on the ground.
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Restaurant
Gabrielle sits alone in a fancy restaurant, having lunch. She opens a shoe box sitting next the her on the table and admires her new shoes. Gabrielle puts the shoes back into the box and sees a man across the room smiling at her. He holds up his champagne glass to toast her. Gabrielle raises her glass in response. The waiter walks up to her.
Waiter: "Ma'am, I'm sorry but your credit card has been declined."
Gabrielle: "What? Oh, no, that’s impossible. It’s a new card. I just went shopping with it. Try it again."
Waiter: "Ma'am, I tried it three times and then I called the bank. Now, may I might try another card?"
Gabrielle: "Of course you may. Will you just give me a moment?"
The waiter nods, sets the check down, and walks away. Gabrielle grabs her cell phone and dials.
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John's Apartment
The phone rings. John answers it.
John: "Hello?"
Gabrielle: "It’s me."
John: "Oh, I've been trying to call you but you turned your cell off."
Gabrielle: "Because I'm in a lovely restaurant, having a lovely meal that I now can't pay for."
John: "Well, did you order already??
Gabrielle: "I ate already."
John: "Look, the credit card company called my mom. I mean, they said that there was unusual activity on my card."
Gabrielle: "I bought shoes."
John: "Well, I didn't know that, you know, and then my mom starting asking all these questions so I just blurted out that the card was stolen, and she cancelled it."
Gabrielle: "Why would they call your parents? It’s your account."
John: "They co-signed for it. Look, if you just explain to the waiter."
Gabrielle: "What? That the credit card was cancelled by my lover’s mommy?"
John: "Well, what other options do you have, unless you return the shoes and get the money back?"
Gabrielle: "Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical."
Gabrielle hangs up the cell phone. The waiter walks back up to the table.
Waiter: "So, ma'am, what you like to do about the bill?"
Gabrielle looks across the restaurant and see the man who toasted her pulling out his credit card. She smiles.
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Lynette's Front Yard
Lynette is carrying a laundry basket, picking up toys. A delivery guy approaches her.
Delivery Guy: "Afternoon. I've got a package for your neighbor Karen McClusky. You mind signing?"
Lynette: "Well, isn't she home? She usually never goes anywhere."
Delivery Guy: "No one answered."
Lynette: "All right."
Lynette signs for the package. He hands the package to Lynette
Lynette: "Okay. Thank you."
Lynette tiptoes up Mrs. McClusky’s front steps with the package. She puts the package by the front door, pushes the door bell, and runs back across the street.
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Restaurant
Gabrielle is sitting with the man who toasted her.
Gabrielle: "So let me get this straight -- you play tennis, you know wine, and you speak Mandarin. Does every other man in the world want you dead?"
Sam: "Well, I'm not that impressive. I pulled a gray hair out of my chest this morning."
Gabrielle: "I don't know. I'd watch your back."
Sam: "You know, I really enjoyed talking to you. You, uh, well, you made my day. I was thinking if you'd like to get together again..."
Gabrielle: "Well, Sam, to, to tell you the truth, I'm kind of in a relationship right now. I just wanted to be honest."
Sam: "That's perfectly okay, Tina. By the way, this is on me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, you shouldn't."
Sam: "Oh, please. It's my pleasure."
Sam puts his credit card on the check and hands it to the waiter. The waiter looks at Gabrielle who smiles back at him.
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Bree's House
Rex and Bree set the table together.
Rex: "This is gonna be a disaster."
Bree: "It'll be fine." (shouts up the stairs) "Andrew, honey, hurry up. Dinner's ready."
Rex: "It's like we're setting a trap for him."
Bree: "It's for his own good. You'll see."
Andrew enters the dining room.
Andrew: "Smells good. What are we having?"
Bree: "I'm making homemade brat wurst with sweet-and-sour cabbage. It's a recipe I found in an old German cookbook."
The doorbell rings.
Bree: "I'll get the door. Honey, why don't you pour the wine?"
Andrew: "Isn't Danielle spending the night at Wendy's?"
Rex: "I believe she is."
Andrew: "Well, then, why did mom set the table for four places?"
Rex: "Huh?"
Andrew: "Uh, I asked who's coming for dinner."
Bree walks into the dining room holding onto the arm of a smiling, gray-haired man.
Bree: "Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?"
Andrew: "Oh, come on."
Bree: "Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?"
The Reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine.
Reverend Sikes: "Ah. So, Andrew. It's been a long time."
Andrew: "Yes. Yes, it has."
Bree: "Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly."
Reverend Sikes: "Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys."
Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine.
Andrew: "I don't suppose I could get some of that."
Rex: "Nope. I'm gonna need every drop."
Rex pours himself more wine.
Later...
Reverend Sikes: "And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous."
Bree: "Oh."
Bree reaches over and touches Andrew’s arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother.
Reverend Sikes: "And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change."
Andrew: "I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life."
Bree: "Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed."
Reverend Sikes: "Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on."
Andrew: "Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good."
Reverend Sikes: "Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time."
Andrew: "I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am."
Reverend Sikes: "Well, if you ever do want to talk, my door is always open."
Bree: "Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but, it sounds like you're giving up."
Reverend Sikes: "We can't force him on a path of righteousness. He, himself, has got to want to make the journey."
Bree: "Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys? And by the way, the correct word is not gay. It's sodomy."
Rex: "We're in the middle of dinner."
Bree: "So?"
Rex: "So can you at least wait till dessert before calling our son a sodomite?"
Bree: "How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me."
Rex: "For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it."
Bree: "Well, at least I'm trying to be proactive."
Reverend Sikes: "Please, there's no need to get upset."
Bree: "I am upset because there is a problem here, and no one seems to notice it but me."
Rex: "As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him."
He nods at Andrew, who nods back. Bree stares at Rex. Then she turns to Andrew.
Bree: "Your father is into S and M."
Rex: "Bree!"
Bree: "He makes me beat him with a riding crop, and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."
Bree walks away from the table.
Rex: "Excuse me."
Rex leaves the table. Andrew smiles at the Reverend.
Andrew: "What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime."
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Outside Susan's House, Nighttime
Sophie comes running out of the house to greet Susan as she pulls into the driveway.
Sophie: "Hey. Hey. Good news. I know why you've been so furious at me."
Susan exits car and walks toward back of SUV. Sophie follows.
Susan: "I haven't been furious at you."
Sophie: "Oh, well, yes, you have, and I don't blame you. Men have been coming on to me left and right, and I just, I've been having so much fun and just enjoying life, and what do I do? I throw it right in your face. I'd hate me, too."
Susan: "Mom, I don't hate you."
Susan takes her bag out of back of SUV and closes the trunk. She and Sophie walk toward house. Sophie hugs Susan as they walk.
Sophie: "Well, be that as it may, from here on out, I'm including you in all the fun."
Susan: "The fun?"
Sophie: "Mm-hmm. Your mother's come through."
Susan: "What have you done?"
Sophie: "You and I are going on a double date tonight."
Susan: "What?"
Sophie: "Tim has a friend from the box factory, and I thought the four of us could hang out, have a few drinks, and hors d'oeuvres, and ..."
Susan: "Forget it."
Sophie: "Well, Susie..."
Susan: "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm just not in the mood to hang out these days."
They enter Susan’s house.
Sophie: "Susie, sweetie, please, I can't cancel now."
Susan: "Of course you can. Just call them up and tell them not to come over."
She takes off her shoes at the entrance between the living room and family room. She glances into the family room and sees Tim.She also sees he is not alone. Another man is sitting on the couch.
Susan: "Tim."
Tim: "Oh hi, Suse. This is, this is my buddy, Lamont."
Lamont holds up a bottle.
Lamont: "I brought peppermint schnapps."
Susan is speechless.
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Outside Lynette's House, Nighttime
Lynette opens the truck of her van. She looks across the street and sees the package she left on Mrs. McClusky’s porch.
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Lynette's House
Tom and Lynette are preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Tom: "I'm sure she's fine."
Lynette: "She never leaves her mail sitting out there. I mean, how many times has she thrown ours away because we didn't pick it up the second it came?"
Tom: "That would be five."
Lynette: "I don't know, Tom. I think something's happened to her."
Tom: "Okay, so go over and check on her."
Lynette: "But if I'm wrong, then I'm sucked into a two-hour conversation about bunions."
Tom: "Don't go check on her."
Lynette: "Six months from now, when they find her mummified corpse at the bottom of the basement stairs, what do I tell the kids? 'Oh, yeah, I let Mrs. McClusky die.'"
Tom: "Yeah, and why would they care? Like they're gonna miss the dry cleaning coupons she hands out on Halloween."
Lynette: "Tom."
Tom: "Listen, honey, what can I say? You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, so, uh, good luck with that."
Lynette: "Honey, I'm hating you a little bit right now."
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos is soaking in a bubble bath while watching a ball game on the TV in the bathroom. Gabrielle enters carrying her new shoes.
Gabrielle: "Hi honey. Look at my new shoes."
Carlos: "Yeah."
Gabrielle: "Aren't they gorgeous?
Carlos: "Honey, I'm trying to watch the game."
Gabrielle: "Sorry."
Gabrielle walks to her closet and puts the shoes away.
Carlos: "How'd you buy new shoes?"
Gabrielle: "Shh. Talk later. You're watching the game."
Carlos: "No, I want to talk about it now. You don't have any money, so what's the story?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, you've heard it before. Girl meets boy, boy buys girl things, girl leaves happy."
Carlos: "What did you do?"
Gabrielle: "You know, I forgot how generous men could be. I also forgot I have options. A whole bunch of them."
Carlos: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Gabrielle: "I don't need your credit cards, Carlos, and I don't need your money, but if our marriage is gonna work, I need your respect."
Carlos: "I'm not ripping up the post-nup."
Gabrielle: "Yes, you are. Because if you don't, I'm gonna put on my new shoes and walk out the door."
Carlos: "You're threatening me?"
Gabrielle: "No, I'm just pointing something out. I'm a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely."
Gabrielle reaches into the bubble bath, tosses some of the bubbles at Carlos, then walks out of the room.
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Susan's House
Lamont is drinking. Sophie and Tim are laughing and dancing to some music on the stereo. Susan is sitting across from Lamont looking disgusted.
Sophie (laughing): "Stop, I'm really ticklish."
Sophie pushes Tim’s hand to her butt.
Lamont: "So, uh, children's books, right?"
Sophie (in the background): "Don't! That tickles!"
Lamont: "Well, I hope you know how lucky you are. Not everyone gets to realize their bliss."
Susan: "Yeah, it can be rewarding."
Lamont pats the area on the sofa next to him.
Lamont: "Why don't you join me?"
Susan: "No."
Tim is nuzzling Sophie’s neck.
Sophie (laughing): "I'm really ticklish. Tim! Come on!"
Tim: "What's wrong?"
Susan jumps up and faces Sophie and Tim.
Susan: "For God's sake, Tim, she's ticklish! How many times do you have to be told?"
Sophie waves her hand, brushing away Susan’s remark.
Sophie: "Oh, pffft. This is so much fun come on, let's find another CD."
Susan: "Mother, don't you think it's getting a little late?"
Sophie: "Come on! You haven't even finished your schnapps."
Susan picks up her drink and downs it.
Susan: "The perfect capper to the perfect evening. So good night. It's been lovely, and, Lamont, good luck with all your inventions."
Sophie: "Well, it's only eleven-thirty. I want to hit the clubs."
Tim: "Well, I know a great place just off the interstate. Come on."
Lamont: "Let's warm up the old war wagon."
Lamont and Tim start going to the door with Sophie. Susan runs after them.
Susan: "Mom, hold it! You are not getting in a car alone with those two. You barely know them."
Sophie: "I have great instincts about people I always have, Susie. You know that."
Susan: "You've been married four times."
Sophie: "Yes, but twice to the same guy."
Sophie goes out the door and starts down the walk. Susan follows.
Susan: "Mother!"
Sophie: "Susie, please. You are embarrassing me."
Susan: "Oh, I'm embarrassing you?"
Sophie: "Yes, and I've had it. All night long, I've been trying to get you to stop being so crabby, and you refuse to let me help."
Susan: "And, and your idea of helping is, is letting Tim just grope you?"
Tim: "Hey! You shouldn't talk to your mother like that. She's a fine lady."
Susan: "Tim, could you just stay out of it?"
Lamont (to Tim): "Yeah, mind your own business."
Tim (to Lamont): "Hey, what's your problem, pal?"
Lamont (to Tim): "Dude, you were feeling up her mother. It pissed me off, too." (to Susan) "Come on, Susie. Let's go back inside."
Susan: "Let's go back inside? Lamont, give it up. You're not getting any."
Tim begins laughing. Susan walks back to the house. Sophie catches up with her and they stop at the front steps.
Sophie: "Why are you being this way? I'm just trying to lighten things up!"
Susan: "Would you stop acting like tonight was about helping me? You wanted to go out and have fun, and Lamont over there needed a date."
Sophie: "That's not true!"
Susan: "Oh, yes, it is."
She sits on the front steps and Sophie sits next to her.
Sophie: "Okay, fine, it's true. I wanted to get out and have fun. Why shouldn't I? You know how depressed I've been over my breakup with Morty."
Susan: "Yeah, I do, and that's what makes me so crazy. You know, the difference between you and I, that you could be heartbroken and you can just move on, and I...am just broken."
Susan buries her face in her hands. Sophie rubs Susan's back.
Sophie: "I know you're sad."
Susan: "No, mom, I'm not sad. And I'm not crabby. I'm devastated, and you keep acting like all I need is a couple of aspirin. Morty was just one guy in a series of guys for you. And Mike? He was the one. Why don't you get that?"
Susan runs into the house, leaving Sophie on the steps.
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Mrs. McClusky’s House
Lynette walks in the front door of Mrs. McClusky's house, holding the package from the front steps. She closes the door behind her, but not before removing the key she had used from the lock.
Lynette: "It's Lynette. Hello? Mrs. McClusky?"
She goes into the living room and sees Mrs. McClusky sitting in a chair.
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky. You all right?"
Mrs. McClusky: "How did you get in here?"
Lynette: "Uh, Mr. Mullins had a spare. Why didn't you open the door?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Because I was hoping that you'd go away."
Lynette sees Mrs. McClusky is wringing her hands.
Lynette: "Have you been taking your arthritis medication?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I don't need to. Sometimes the pain goes away by itself."
Lynette: "Uh-huh. Is that why you didn't open the door? Because of your hands? Mrs. McClusky, do you have anyone that could help you out? A relative, a friend?"
Mrs. McClusky: "I'm fine!"
Lynette: "Okay. Okay."
Lynette starts to leave.
Mrs. McClusky: "Uh, before you go, open these, would you? And, and put out the pills."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Mrs. McClusky: "And don't get your hands all over them. God knows what your kids have picked up. Last thing I need is a case of pinkeye."
Lynette: "You're a piece of work. You know that?"
Lynette struggles to open the pill bottle.
Lynette: "Well, this is crazy. Why'd they give you childproof caps?"
Mrs. McClusky: "Yeah."
Lynette: "First thing tomorrow, I'm taking you to the pharmacy, and we'll get you new bottles."
Mrs. McClusky: "Don't do me any favors. You don't even like me. I don't want you doing anything because you feel obligated."
Lynette: "Let me tell you something. Half of life is obligations. You don't want to go to your husband's company Christmas party, but you do. You don't want to sell candy so your kid's band can buy piccolos, but you do it. You attend your third cousin's wedding. You pick up the dry cleaning. That's life. It's obligations. And you are now my obligation, so tomorrow morning, I'll pick you up, and we'll go to the pharmacy."
Lynette puts a full glass of water on the table with the pills.
Mrs. McClusky: "Gee, I'm touched by your outpouring of compassion."
Lynette: "We don't have to be friends. But we're two human beings living on the same piece of earth. We can at least try and help each other out once in a while."
Lynette puts a blanket on Mrs. McClusky’s lap and heads for the door. She sees the Tiffany lamp she gave back to Mrs, McClusky. She walks over and picks it up.
Lynette: "And you know what? I am gonna take this."
Mrs. McClusky: "Fine."
Lynette: "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
Mrs. McClusky: "Pick me up at nine. And don't be late."
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Bree's House
Bree is sitting on the couch looking at a photo album. Andrew walks in, holding a plate with a sandwich on it, heading towards the stairs.
Bree: "Andrew, come here. I want you to see this."
Andrew: "Uh, what are you looking at?"
Andrew sits next to his mother.
Bree: "I'm looking at your baby pictures. Look at that one."
Andrew: "How old was I there?"
Bree: "Just four weeks old. I never told you this, but when I gave birth to you, there were complications. The umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, and you stopped breathing. The room got very quiet, and I knew you were in trouble. So I turned to the doctor, and I very calmly said that he was not to worry about me, that his job was to save your life. When I say I would die for you, that's not an expression. I mean it."
Andrew: "Yeah, well, uh, I'm gonna go eat my sandwich."
Andrew gets up. Bree gets up also.
Bree: "Andrew, please, just go and talk to Reverend Sikes."
Andrew: "Oh, for God's sakes."
Bree: "He can counsel you. It can help."
Andrew: "Mom, I don't need any help, all right? I'm fine. Why do you keep going on about this?"
Bree: "Because if you don't change who you are, then you won't go to Heaven."
Andrew: "You, um, you, you don't think I, I'll go to Heaven?"
Bree: "No, I don't. And I need you there. I would be so lonely without you."
Andrew: "Well, then, I guess I better go talk to Reverend Sikes."
Bree hugs him.
Bree: "Oh, Andrew. Thank you so much. You don't know how much that means to me."
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Mike's House
Mike opens his door and Sophie is standing there. She is shocked by the injuries to Mike’s face.
Sophie: "Oh, my gosh. Uh, are you okay?"
Mike: "Oh, yeah, I just, uh, fell down the stairs. I'm fine. What's up?"
Sophie: "Susan still loves you."
Mike: "Wow, um, okay. Look, this is not a good time for this conversation."
Sophie: "She just misses you so much."
Mike: "Sophie, I just found out that someone I was very close to is dead."
Sophie: "Oh."
Mike: "I've really got to figure out what I'm gonna do, so I just don't have time to think about Susan right now."
Sophie: "She's just very, very unhappy, and if you could just-"
Mike: "I really don't. I'm sorry."
Mike closes the door. He goes to a table where the file that Sullivan gave him is lying. He opens it. There are photos of the skeleton found in the toy chest and a picture of the toy chest. Mike scans the list of people who purchased that particular toy chest. Looking down the page, he stops when he sees the name "Paul Young" on it.
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Church
Reverend Sikes is talking to Andrew.
Reverend Sikes holds up his hand as if taking an oath, his other hand on the Bible.
Reverend Sikes: "I swear before Almighty God I won't reveal a word that's said here today. Now, what's on your mind?"
He and Andrew sit down.
Andrew: "Well, here's the thing. I lied to my parents. I'm not gay."
Reverend Sikes: "You're not."
Andrew: "Not really. Look, all I know is I wanted to get the hell out of that camp, so I lied to my parents, and I told them that I was really worried that I was having feelings for other guys, and they did exactly what I wanted them to. They are such tools."
Reverend Sikes: "I'm sorry, just so I'm clear -- are you a heterosexual or aren't you?"
Andrew: "Look, I love vanilla ice cream, okay? But every now and then, I'm probably gonna be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I'm saying?"
Reverend Sikes: "I do, but God would prefer you stick to the vanilla."
Andrew: "I don't believe in God."
Reverend Sikes: "You don't?"
Andrew: "No. Sorry."
Reverend Sikes: "You know, your mother's gonna be devastated. She's been praying so hard for you to change."
Andrew: "Well, that's the good news. I am gonna change -- big time."
Reverend Sikes: "I-I'm not sure I follow."
Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"
Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."
Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."
Andrew smiles, gets up, and walks away as Reverend Sikes looks on, looking worried. Andrew turns and tosses the Bible he was holding back to the Reverend.
"Yes, life is a journey."
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Outside Mrs. McClusky's House
Lynette walks up to the house.
"One that is much better traveled with a companion by our side. Of course, that companion can be just about anyone."
Lynette knocks on the door.
Lynette: "Mrs. McClusky! We're gonna be late for the doctor."
"A neighbor on the other side of the street..."
Mrs. McClusky comes out her door.
Mrs. McClusky: "I'm coming. Jeez, hold your water."
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Gabrielle's House
Carlos approaches Gabrielle, who's reading a magazine in bed. He tears up the papers in his hand and throws them on the bed next to Gabrielle.
Carlos: "There you go. No more post-nup."
"Or the man on the other side of the bed."
Gabrielle flips the covers open to allow Carlos into the bed.
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Church
Members of the congregation leave the church.
"The companion can be a mother with good intentions..."
Bree exits the church reaches to shake Reverend Sikes hand.
Bree: "Thank you for a wonderful service, Reverend."
Reverend Sikes: "Thank you so much, Bree."
Bree turns to Andrew behind her.
"Or a child who's up to no good."
Andrew smiles at the Reverend.
Andrew: "Very inspirational."
The Reverend, looking worried, turns to watch Andrew walk away.
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Susan’s House
The front door opens. Susan comes out and walks to her mail box. She stops to stare at Mike across the street going to his mail box. Mike stops as he sees Susan.
"Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way. And then the journey becomes unbearable."
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Cemetery
Noah walks slowly to a stone bench and sits down. All the while looking a picture of his beloved daughter, Deirdre.
"You see, human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness isn't one of them."
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.20 - Fear No More
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Annabel Foster" - Melinda McGraw
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Father Crowley" - Jeff Doucette
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Ginger" - Lauren Cohn
"Fireman" - Bill Ferrell
"Saleswoman" - Nikki Snelson
"Phil" - Pat Towne
Written by: Adam Barr
Directed by: Jeff Melman
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Susan’s House
Susan is sitting on her bed, writing. She glances at a photo of her with Julie as a baby.
"Since she was a little girl, Susan Mayer wanted to be a mother in the worst way."
Flashback of Susan laying baby Julie on the couch.
Susan: "Oh, where's your bottom? You're so cute. Yeah."
"And from the first day she brought Julie home from the hospital..."
Susan walks away to get the baby powder. When she turns back, Julie is no longer on the couch.
Susan: "Oh! Ooh, how did you get down there?"
"She was."
Susan picks up Julie.
Susan: "Oh, my goodness."
Flashback of Susan grabbing the diaper bag and her keys and purse and rushing out the door. When the door slams shut behind her, baby Julie begins crying in the background.
"Despite her desire to do well by her daughter, Susan suffered through countless failures."
Susan runs back into the house.
Susan: "Oh, I'm so sorry! How did I forget you?"
Flashback of Susan pushing the playground merry-go-round with a young Julie standing on it.
"Of course, it took Susan a few years to realize even the best of parents make mistakes now and then."
Susan looks down to brush off her overalls and when she looks back up, Julie has fallen off the merry-go-round. Susan goes running to get her.
Back to Susan sitting in bed. She hears a tapping noise at the window. She gets up to check it out.
"But now that Julie was a teenage girl, Susan had started to realize there was no room for error."
Susan looks outside to see Zach throwing pebbles at Julie window.
She goes to Julie's room and opens the door. Julie is lying in bed with a pillow over her head. She lifts up the pillow when she hears her mother.
Susan: "Julie, what is Zach doing out there? I thought I told you not to speak to him anymore."
Julie: "I'm not. That's why he's throwing gravel at my window."
Susan: "All right, that's it. I'm gonna handle this once and for all."
Outside, Zach looks up at Julie’s window. He reaches down for a handful of pebbles. Just as Susan opens the window, Zach throws all of the pebbles.
Susan: "Zach, what do you think you're-"
The pebbles strike Susan in the face.
Susan: "Ow! Aah! Oh! Oh!"
Julie runs to the window as Susan backs away holding her face. Zach sees Julie and waves.
In the Mayer's living room, Susan lies on the couch while Julie puts eye drops in Susan’s eyes. Zach is there, also.
Zach: "Ms. Mayer, I am so sorry. It's just, one pebble wasn't working, so I tried a whole handful."
Susan: "Ow, ow."
Zach: "Look, I'll make it up to you."
Susan: "Oh, how? Are you gonna give me your corneas?"
Julie: "Mom, lay back."
Zach: "I just wanted to talk to Julie. She hasn't been returning my phone calls."
Julie: "Well, I'm here now. What do you want?"
Zach: "Come on, Julie. I just want to see you again. You know, talk, hang out."
Julie: "Maybe it would be better if we just cooled it for a while, okay?"
Zach: "Why?"
Susan: "Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face. How's that for a start?"
Zach stares at Julie then walks out of the house.
Julie: "Thank you so much. I have been trying to find a way to break up with him for weeks. You finally gave me an excuse."
"Yes, Susan had failed many times as a mother."
Julie: "You did good, mom."
"So she took her victories where she found them."
Susan: "You're welcome."
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Credits
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Wisteria Lane
"Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane. It's the time when flowers start to bloom, when butterflies emerge from their cocoons, when bees begin to search for nectar. Spring is also the time when a young man's fancy turns to obsession."
At a garden show, George leans over to smell some flowers. He looks over to see Bree and Rex off to the side. He walks over to them.
George: "Hello there."
Bree: "Oh, my heavenly days. Rex, look! It's George."
George: "It's nice to see you, Bree. Dr. Van de Kamp."
Rex: "George."
George: "So, how's your health?"
Rex: "Not good, and my cardiologist is an idiot."
Bree: "The doctor upped his dosage twice, and it's still not helping."
George: "I'm sure it'll all work itself out. You know, it's funny running into you both. I happen to have extra tickets to a bonsai exposition in Mt. Pleasant Friday night. Would you like to go?"
Bree: "I would love to. Rex?"
Rex: "A whole evening of bonsai trees? Wouldn't it just be easier to shoot me?"
George: "Probably."
George and Bree laugh. Bree puts her hand on George’s shoulder. Rex notices how George reaches up and touches where Bree’s hand had been.
Bree: "Well, why don't we just go by ourselves, then?"
Rex: "Uh, actually, Bree, we, we have that thing Friday night."
Bree: "What thing? We don't have a thing."
George: "I think what your husband is trying to say is that he doesn't want you going out with me."
Bree: "Rex, are you still jealous?"
Rex: "No."
Bree: "It's true that we dated during the separation, but George and I are just friends now, aren't we?"
George: "Strictly platonic. But if you feel threatened..."
Rex: "I don't feel threatened."
Bree: "Good. Then it's a date."
She takes each of the men by an arm and they begin walking slowly.
George: "So are you gonna make a purchase today?"
Bree: "Do you know, I have finally convinced Rex to buy his first orchid."
George: "Make sure you study up. I hate people who own precious flowers who don't know how to take proper care of them."
Rex: "You know what I hate? Weeds. They just pop up out of nowhere, and you have to work so hard to get rid of them."
George: "I find with the right chemicals, you can get rid of almost anything." (to Bree) "See you Friday."
George walks away.
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Car Dealership
Gabrielle is walking around a blue sporty convertible. A saleswoman walks up.
Saleswoman: "Mrs. Solis. What a surprise. We haven't seen you in here in quite some time."
Gabrielle: "Yes, yes, I know. My husband and I went through a downsizing phase, but we've snapped out of it. Life is good. Oh, and this would make it so much better."
Saleswoman: "Excellent. Slip inside. See how that feels."
Gabrielle slides into the driver’s seat.
Gabrielle: "Oh. I'd love to have this in my driveway by Saturday. I'm having a big barbecue. I want everyone to see it."
Saleswoman: "How exciting. What's the occasion?"
Gabrielle: "I'm throwing my husband a going-away party."
Saleswoman: "Really? Where's he going?"
Gabrielle: "It's, um, it's a sort of government-sponsored sabbatical."
Saleswoman: "How long is he gonna be gone?"
Gabrielle: "Eight months. Six with good behavior."
Gabrielle puts her finger to her nose as though something smelly is bothering her.
Saleswoman: "Isn't the leather interior wonderful?"
Gabrielle: "It is. It is. It's just the smell's a little intense."
Saleswoman: "That's because it was imported from Italy. It's one-hundred percent Italian calf."
Gabrielle, still sitting in the driver’s seat, begins to gag, then vomits onto the floor of the passenger seat.
Later, Gabrielle and the saleswoman are walking toward the car while two maintenance men with face masks are in the car cleaning it.
Gabrielle: "I am so sorry. It just hit me out of nowhere. You know, it's so weird. Smells have been making me nauseous lately."
Saleswoman: "Boobs tender? Achy back?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. Has it been going around?"
Saleswoman: "Only for centuries. I went through it all when I was carrying my oldest. The truth is, you're never gonna fit a child safety seat in the back of that tiny Spyder anyway. The four-doors are much roomier."
Gabrielle: "What, wait, uh, I'm sorry, you, you think I'm pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant."
Saleswoman: "Oh, you just have all the symptoms. I-I just assumed..."
Gabrielle: "Well, you assumed wrong."
Saleswoman: "Well, I'm sorry."
Gabrielle: "I'm on the pill, for god's sakes!"
Saleswoman: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "You know, and another thing, I don't want a four-door. I want a sexy little convertible, and I want to buy one right now!"
Saleswoman: "I'll go start the paperwork."
Gabrielle: "Well, not this one. I vomited in this one."
Saleswoman: "Right. We'll find you a fresh one."
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Peterson Advertising
Lynette enters, holding a file. She nods to the receptionist as she walks by.
Lynette walks into Tom’s office. She sees Tom and a young woman leaning toward each other over Tom’s desk. Tom looks up.
Tom: "Lynette!"
Lynette: "You forgot your Halpern file."
The woman turns.
Annabel: "Oh, my god. Lynette."
"If there was one person Lynette never expected to see again, it was Annabel Foster. Eight years earlier, Annabel had begged Tom to marry her, but he told her he wasn't the marrying kind."
Flashback to Tom and Annabel kissing in the elevator. When the doors open, they separate.
"Then one day, Tom happened to meet a rising young executive by the name of Lynette Lindquist."
Flashback to Tom and Annabel in the elevator. Annabel kisses Tom then steps out just when a younger Lynette steps in. Their eyes meet.
"And after a few torrid weeks, Tom decided perhaps he was the marrying kind after all."
Flashback to the elevator door opening. Tom and Lynette are kissing passionately. Tom pushes a button in the elevator and the doors close as he continues kissing Lynette.
"...causing an embittered Annabel to move back to Chicago permanently. Or so Lynette had hoped."
Flashback to Annabel entering the empty elevator, carrying a box of all her belongings.
In the present day, Annabel approaches Lynette and hugs her.
Annabel: "You look fantastic."
Lynette: "Thank you. And you, you're here in the office. Tom’s office."
Annabel: "Yeah, going on three months now."
Lynette: "Oh."
Annabel: "Didn't Tom tell you?"
Lynette: "It, uh, must have slipped his mind."
Tom laughs in the background. Annabel turns toward Tom.
Annabel: "Ah, afraid to tell the wife you're working with the old girlfriend, huh? I guess that makes me your dirty little secret."
Lynette: "Well, I'll let you get back to work. See you later."
Tom: "Can't wait."
Lynette: "Oh, I almost forgot. Your file. Here."
Lynette throws the file at Tom, hard.
Annabel: "Whoa."
Tom catches it. Lynette waves to him with a meaningful look in her eye and leaves the office.
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Construction site
Edie is looking over blueprints. Mike Delfino is working close by. Paul walks up.
Edie: "Hey, Paul. What's up?"
Paul: "Something's been nagging me, Edie. I wanted to talk to you about it."
Edie: "Okay."
Paul: "That night I found you in my house -- why were you really there?"
Edie: "Well, you know why. I came by to drop off your key."
Paul: "Some things were moved around my living room. What were you looking for?"
Edie: "What are you talking about?"
Paul: "Do I have to call the police?"
Edie: "Do whatever you want."
Paul: "Suit yourself."
Paul begins to walk away.
Edie: "Okay. Okay. Susan made me do it."
Mike looks up when he hears Susan’s name.
Edie: "She has this fixation on why Mary Alice killed herself, and she keeps blathering on about blackmail notes and dead babies. Oh, and she got really hot and bothered when she found the name Angela written on one of your video tapes."
Paul: "Did she find what she was looking for?"
Edie: "No, you came home before she had a chance to watch the video."
Paul: "I see."
Edie: "She sort of thinks you're evil."
Paul: "Thank you, Edie."
As Paul walks away, Mike walks up to Edie.
Mike: "What was that all about?"
Edie: "Susan Mayer's obsession with Mary Alice almost got me arrested. Now Paul's after her. If I liked her better, I'd warn her, but, you know."
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Coffee Shop
Susan buys a cup of coffee.
Susan: "Thanks."
She begins walking to the door when she sees Mike coming in the front door. She searches for a way out and then sits down at a table with three strangers who stare at her. Mike approaches the table.
Mike: "Susan?"
Susan stands up.
Susan: "Uh, I'll talk to you girls later."
Mike: "Still avoiding me, huh?"
Susan: "No, no. What do you want?"
Mike: "I heard that you and Edie broke into Paul Young's house."
Susan: "Who told you that?"
Mike: "Edie."
Susan: "Well, yeah, we did. Um, we were just looking. It doesn't matter. It was dumb."
Mike: "Listen, I want you to stay away from that guy."
Susan: "Well, I was planning on doing that anyway."
Mike: "Good."
Susan: "Mike? I know why I was planning on staying away from him. Why do you want me to stay away from him?"
Mike: "I just know he's a bad guy. So, please, don't mess with him."
Susan: "I won't. I promise."
Susan watches Mike leave the coffee shop.
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Bree's House
Bree is arranging flower when Rex walks in.
Rex: "So. I've been thinking about the pharmacist."
Bree: "George. What about him?"
Rex: "I don't think you should go out with him."
Bree: "Please don't be this way. He's the only friend I have who's interested in cultural things."
Rex: "Bree. I'm worried because he is obviously still in love with you."
Bree: "No, he just wants to be friends. He told me so."
Rex: "Well, what else would a man in love say? He's desperate to spend time with you."
Bree: "He does not seem desperate to me."
Rex: "I saw the way hands trembled when you touched his shoulder."
Bree: "They did?"
Rex: "When we first started dating, the same thing happened to me."
Bree: "I don't remember that."
Rex: "Listen, continuing to see him would just be giving him false hope."
Bree: "Well, I certainly don't want to hurt him...again."
Rex: "No. You don't. I even think it would be a good idea to switch pharmacies."
Bree: "Really? Well, okay. You know what I'm gonna miss most about him? George always has a way of making me good about myself."
Rex (sarcastically): "Yeah, he's a terrific guy."
Bree: "Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?"
Rex (laughing): "No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years."
Bree: "Yes, we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie."
Bree walks out and Rex takes his medication.
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Drug Store
An employee, Ginger, is stocking the shelves. Gabrielle approaches.
Gabrielle: "Excuse me. Um, this home pregnancy test -- is it a good one?"
Ginger: "I guess."
Gabrielle: "Okay, um, do you have a restroom?"
Ginger: "It's for employees only."
George approaches.
George: "Oh, it's right over there, Mrs. Solis. Help yourself."
Gabrielle: "Thank you".
George: "What did I tell you about being rude to customers? You'll stick a smile on your face, or I'll keep you in back stocking shelves where no one has to look at you."
Bree walks into the drug store.
George: "Bree. What a pleasant surprise. What brings you here? Didn't we just fill Dr. Van de Kamp's prescription last week?"
Bree: "George, as it turns out, I won't be able to go with you to the bonsai expo."
George: "Oh. Why not?"
Bree: "I think it'd be a mistake for us to spend too much time together."
George: "Dr. Van de Kamp said something about me. What was it?"
Bree: "It doesn't matter."
George: "Please, tell me."
Bree: "He said you're still in love with me."
George: "That's, that's stupid. I'm not in love with you. I'm not. The truth is, I'm in love with Ginger."
Bree: "Ginger, the stock girl?"
George: "Yes. It's very serious."
They turn to look at Ginger, who smiles at them.
Bree: "Oh. Why didn't you tell me?"
George: "Well, we're taking it slow, but she is definitely the one."
Bree: "Oh, my goodness. Well, this changes everything. Listen, um, a friend of mine is having a barbecue for her husband on Saturday, and I think you should come."
George: "Really?"
Bree: "Yes, and bring Ginger."
George: "Ginger...I don't know if she can make it."
Bree: "Well, you have to bring Ginger, because if Rex sees the two of you together, then he'll relax."
George: "Oh. Uh, okay."
Gabrielle (from the bathroom): "Son of a bitch!"
She comes out into the store and sees Bree talking to George.
Gabrielle: (to George) "You are out of toilet paper. (to Bree) Bree, I'll call you later."
Gabrielle rushes out of the store as Bree, George and Ginger watch her.
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Scavo House
Tom walks in the front door.
Tom: "Lynette? Hey, honey? Are you home?"
Lynette: "Three months?"
Lynette is in the corner of the room and frightens Tom.
Tom: "God, you, you scared the hell out of me."
Lynette: "Were you ever gonna tell me?"
Tom: "I wanted to, but I kept putting it off. I knew how you'd react."
Lynette: "Congratulations. You read me like a book. Why would you hire that woman?"
Tom: "Look, technically, Peterson found her. I just vouched for her."
Lynette: "Tom..."
Tom: "Come on, honey, I'm just helping her out. It's the least I can do. Look, she was devastated when I left her for you. I felt bad."
Lynette: "Do you still have feelings for her?"
Tom: "All right, I'm not talking to you."
Lynette: "Come on, you can tell me. You still care about her, don't you, just a teeny, tiny little bit."
Tom: "I was just trying to be a good guy. That's all."
Lynette: "Well, you can't work with her."
Tom: "What do you want me to do, quit?"
Lynette: "Talk to Peterson. Maybe he can get her transferred. I mean, weren't you guys planning on starting something up in Belize?"
Tom: "Honey, you're crazy."
Lynette: "No, I'm serious. If she stays, I will haunt your office. I'll bring you lunch every day. I'll bring the kids to visit. I will change diapers on your desk. Every birthday cake in the break room, every retirement party, I will be there. Watching her."
Tom: "Well, I better get you a parking space, 'cause she's staying."
Tom walks upstairs.
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Susan’s House
Sophie is hanging up beaded curtains in the doorway.
Sophie: "Don't you think it spices up the room?"
The doorbell rings and Susan goes to answer. She opens the door to find Zach leaving a potted flower by the door.
Zach: "Ah, I was just leaving you a gift to apologize for, you know, throwing gravel in your face."
Susan: "Well, you didn't have to do that."
Zach: "No, I kind of did. See, I want us to be friends."
Susan: "Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen."
Zach: "Why not?"
Susan: "Aside from you blinding me? You know, several weeks ago, you freaked out in my house. You screamed, you threw furniture around."
Zach: "Okay, well, I realize that I was out of line that night, but I was upset. And we have to get over that for Julie's sake."
Susan: "For Julie's sake?"
Zach: "How do you think it makes her feel that her mother and her boyfriend can't even get along?"
Susan: "Hey, Zach, Julie does not think of you as her boyfriend. In fact, I don't think she wants anything to do with you."
Zach: "She said that?"
Susan: "Yeah."
Zach: "I don't believe you."
Susan: "Believe whatever you want."
She pushes the flowers back into his hands and turns to walk back inside the house.
Zach (yelling): "Well, if she did, it's because you tell her stuff about me that's not true!"
Paul Young, standing on his porch, yells out to Zach.
Paul: "Zach! Come here! Right now!"
Felicia, next door, watering her plants, looks up at Paul's yelling.
Zach (to Susan): "Please. Don't ruin this for me."
Susan looks at Paul on his porch across the street, then walks into her house and closes the door.
Felicia watches as Zach walks back to his house.
Flashback to a conversation she had with her sister, Martha Huber.
Martha is looking at a framed photograph as Felicia pours coffee.
Martha: "How do you know Mary Alice?"
Felicia: "Who?"
Martha: "Mary Alice Young. She lives next door to me in Fairview."
Martha walks over to Felicia with the picture of a group of nurses. Mary Alice is in the middle of the picture.
Martha: "She's standing right here in this picture with you."
Felicia: "That's Angela Forrest. We worked together at the rehab center fifteen years ago."
Martha: "Don't be dense, Felicia. Don't you think I know my own neighbor?"
Felicia looks at the picture again.
Felicia: "Does this Mary Alice have children?"
Martha: "A teenager. A boy."
Martha sees the strange look on her sister’s face.
Martha: "What?"
Felicia: "Angela and I worked together with a very disturbed young woman who gave birth to a baby boy. About a year later, Angela and her husband disappeared. Not long after that, I heard that the child was missing, too. People said it was just a coincidence, but in my heart, I always hoped that she had given him a proper home."
Martha: "Are you saying she stole the baby?"
Felicia: "Don't look shocked, Martha. It makes your face look fat. The biological mother was a drug addict. If Angela really is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky."
In present day, Felicia watches Zach enter his home with Paul.
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Peterson Advertising
Annabel is having some coffee. She sees Lynette enter the office.
Annabel: "Lynette, hey. Oh, if you're looking for Tom, he's out with a client."
Lynette: "No, I actually wanted to see you."
Annabel: "You know, that's really funny. I was thinking the same thing. I've been here all this time. We should go out for lunch, just the two of us."
Lynette: "Yeah, I'll check my book. So, Annabel, do you have feelings for Tom?
Annabel: "What?"
Lynette: "You heard me."
Annabel: "Okay, you want to talk about this, Lynette? Let's talk. Yes, Tom and I were in love, but he married you. I'm not looking to break up a happy couple. Anyway, that's really more your speed, isn't it?"
An office worker enters and passes between them to get coffee from the table behind them.
Office Worker: "Morning, ladies. Just coming in for a little more fuel. Yep, one man's sludge is another man's liquid gold. Well, back to the trenches."
The worker walks between them again and leaves the room.
Lynette: "Watch your step! Tom and we're a team. Our marriage is rock solid. Nothing you do could ever break that up."
Annabel: "Then why are you down here right now warning me?"
Annabel leaves the room.
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Church
In front of the church, Father Crowley is shaking hands as members of his congregation pass by. He turns around and sees Gabrielle standing behind him.
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle. What brings you down here? Oh, sweet mother of god, what have you done this time?"
Gabrielle and the Priest are walking down the corridor.
Father Crowley: "You're pregnant?"
Gabrielle: "Yes, and it's impossible. I am on the pill. Which I know you probably think is a sin, but it works. It's a ninety-nine point nine percent effective sin."
Father Crowley: "Well, maybe it's in that one-tenth of a percent that God resides."
Gabrielle: "Couldn't wait to throw that in, could you? Look, God is screwing with me. He doesn't like the way I live my life, so he's punishing me."
Father Crowley: "Well, have you done something that would warrant being punished? The gardener? I thought that was over."
Gabrielle: "Well, it was, and then, and, well, you just had to be there. Look, that's my point is I'd be an awful mother. I'm selfish, and I'm self-centered, and the only person more self-centered than me is Carlos. I mean, he's so self-centered that he doesn't even know how self-centered I am. We'd be terrible parents."
Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, I'd like to help, but I'm not exactly sure what it is you want."
Gabrielle: "You know, it's just, I want to know who to be angry at."
Father Crowley: "Here's a thought. Don't be angry. Be thankful. Children are a gift, are they not?"
Gabrielle: "I don't have time for this crap. I have a party to plan."
She walks away.
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Construction Site
At the construction site, Edie looks over blueprints with some of the workers.
Edie: "Thanks."
The workers walk away as Lynette approaches.
Lynette: "Edie. Hey."
Edie: "Hi."
Lynette: "Wow, things are really coming along."
Edie: "Yeah, slowly and expensively."
Lynette: "Well, it'll be worth it. You're doing an amazing job. So, look, you're basically a predator, and I need some advice."
Later, Lynette and Edie are sitting together.
Lynette: "And I know Tom loves me, but I don't trust this woman. I think there's an agenda there. I don't know. Maybe I'm being paranoid."
Edie: "No, no. You did the right thing coming to me. There are two ways to approach this. Well, first I have to ask: what kind of shape is this woman in?"
Lynette: "Fantastic shape. She's gorgeous."
Edie: "Okay, now there's really only one way to approach this. You're gonna have to act fast."
Lynette: "I'm, I'm listening."
Edie: "Well, it's really pretty simple. When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend."
Lynette: "I thought you said you didn't have any female friends."
Edie: "I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either. But the point is keep your friends close..."
Lynette: "...keep your enemies closer."
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Lynette's House
Tom is sitting on the couch playing with the baby. Lynette enters.
Lynette: "Tom. We're having a dinner party. I'm thinking of inviting Annabel."
Lynette walks out and Tom looks after her, a worried expression on his face.
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Paul's House
Zach is washing his face in the sink.
Zach: "We're not moving."
Paul: "Susan knows something. Edie said she found-"
Zach: "I don't care what Edie Britt said! I'm not leaving Julie."
Paul: "You want to risk our lives, our future, over some schoolyard crush?"
Zach: "It is more than that. Julie loves me."
Paul: "Then why does she refuse to see you?"
Zach: "Mrs. Mayer lies to her. If it wasn't for that, she would be with me."
Paul: "Are you sure? You know, Julie's a very special girl."
Zach: "I know."
Paul: "She could have just about any boy she wanted. I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but... you're not that special, Zach. Not really."
Zach: "But she kissed me."
Paul: "Lately? Let's just pack our bags and get out of here. We can leave this whole mess behind. We can start over. And there will be other girls, I promise."
Zach: "No."
Paul grabs Zach as he begins to walk away.
Paul: "If Susan goes to the police, it's over. They'll take me away. They'll take you away. Don't you get that?"
Zach: "If Julie doesn't love me anymore, then it doesn't matter. None of it matters."
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Lynette's House - Dinnertime
Tom and Annabel sitting at the table laughing and talking while Lynette is clearing dishes behind them.
Annabel: "Oh, McGruder had absolutely no idea what was going on. During the entire ship for the Phaser campaign, he was practically holding Benson's hand."
Tom: "After the way that Burnham screwed him over, I'd be nervous, too, my god."
Annabel: "It was awful."
Annabel holds Tom’s hand. Lynette sees this and steps between them.
Lynette: "Excuse me. I need to get in here so I can clear the plates."
Tom: "Hey, honey, you want some help with that?"
Lynette: "Oh, I’m good."
Lynette looks up to the stairs and sees the boys sitting there, watching them.
Lynette: "Looks like we got company."
Tom: "Hey, guys, isn't it time for bed?"
Lynette: "Oh, they never get to see you. Let 'em stay up for a while."
Tom: (to the boys) "Okay, come here. Come here. I want you to meet someone. This is Ms. Foster."
Annabel: "Hi."
Lynette: "She's an old, old friend of your daddy's."
Annabel: "Hey, what you got there?"
Twin: "It's a picture we painted."
Annabel: "Oh, let me have a look at that."
It’s a picture the boys painted of their family standing under a rainbow.
Twin: "It's all of us with mommy and daddy. We're really happy."
Annabel: "Oh, that is so adorable. When did you do this?"
Twin: "Today. Mom told us to."
Lynette: "I just told them to paint something nice. The sentiment's all theirs."
Twin: "But you told us to!"
Lynette: "Hold on, honey. Grown-ups are talking."
Annabel: "Well, this is really neat. Hey, how would you boys like to paint my portrait one day?"
Twin: "Sure. You're pretty."
Lynette: "Okay, great. Uh, so like your dad said, it's time for bed."
Tom: "I'll take them back upstairs. Come on, guys."
Lynette: "Thank you."
She gives Tom a quick kiss as he passes by her.
Tom: "Uh-huh."
Twin: "I'm gonna beat you.
Tom: "Here we go."
Annabel and Lynette are left alone at the table.
Annabel: "I must say, Lynette, your home is warm and inviting, your children are absolutely precious. This whole evening was practically a commercial for the perfect family."
Lynette: "You think?"
Annabel: "You couldn't have planned it any better. And I mean that."
Lynette: "Good."
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Outside Susan's House - Nighttime
Susan puts trash in her trash can. When she's done stuffing the bags into the can, she puts the cover on it, and straightens up. Paul is right next to her and she gasps.
Paul: "Hello, Susan."
Susan: "Paul. Hi."
Paul: "I understand you and Edie went snooping through my house."
Susan: "Huh?"
Paul: "It's okay. I'm not mad. So, what do you want to know about Angela?"
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Paul's House
Paul serves a cup of coffee to Susan sitting at the table.
Paul: "It was Mary Alice's birth name. She was named after her Aunt Angela. When she was a teenager, they had a falling out, so she changed her name to Mary Alice. This is before we were married, so you'll forgive me if I'm hazy on the details."
Susan: "That's it? That's the explanation?"
Paul: "Ridiculously simple, isn't it?"
Susan: "She changed her name because she got in a fight with her aunt? Paul, that just doesn't seem like something Mary Alice would do."
Paul: "Neither did suicide, but we both know that she did it. So, can we finally put this behind us, or do you need to break into my home for anything else?"
Susan: "Uh, no. Um, I'm good. Thanks. Although if you wouldn't mind, I'd really like to see that videotape I found. The one marked "Angela." It'd be nice to see Mary Alice when she was young."
Paul: "I'm afraid that box of tapes was thrown out with the trash."
Susan: "Okay, then."
Paul: "Susan. I'm serious when I say I hope you'll leave my family alone now. This endless suspicion of yours has become very tiring."
Susan: "I couldn't agree more."
Susan walks out of Paul’s house.
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Lynette's House
Lynette, Tom and Annabel are having coffee in the living room when a cell phone rings.
Annabel: "Oh, that's my cell. Sorry. Oh, god, it's Peterson. Excuse me."
Tom: "Peterson?"
Annabel: "Hello? Yeah."
Annabel leaves the room, closing the door behind her.
Tom: "So this is quite a show you put on tonight."
Lynette: "Show?"
Tom: "The boys' paintings, all those references to how happy we are."
Lynette: "What's wrong with subtly reminding Annabel that you're happily married?"
Tom: "Because it wasn't subtle, and it's an insult to me."
Lynette: "I did not mean it that way."
Tom: "Are you so insecure that you have to pull that crap?"
Lynette: "Keep your voice down."
Tom: "It doesn't matter if she has feelings for me as long I am not interested. Have I ever, ever given you any reason to doubt me?"
Lynette: "Anyone is capable of anything. The first time we ever met, you were cheating."
Tom: "With you. Cheating with you."
Lynette: "It's a pattern of behavior."
Tom: "Oh, give me a break."
Lynette: "Well, what am I supposed to do? You hire your old girlfriend, and you don't tell me about it for three months?"
Tom: "I could have told you from day one, and you would still be jumping down my throat. No, Annabel is ancient history."
Lynette: "She's in the next room."
Tom: "How long do we have to be married, Lynette? How long until you actually trust me?"
Lynette: "I trust you."
Tom: "How many times have you said to me, "if you ever touch another woman, I will take the boys, and I will walk out of here, and you will never see us again"?"
Lynette: "Well, that's just something wives say to their husbands."
Tom: "Not all wives. God, Lynette, you're just so convinced that I'm gonna be unfaithful. It, it makes me sick. The distrust, the paranoia. You know, no, it seems like you're not gonna be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right."
Tom sees the shocked look on Lynette’s face.
Tom: "Okay, wait, forget I said that."
Lynette: "It's too late. You said it."
Tom: "Well, then, just consider it something that husbands say to their wives."
Annabel comes back into the room.
Annabel: "Well, Peterson's on cloud nine. He discovered some inside scoop on the Metro account. The bad news is we're gonna have to redo the entire presentation."
Tom: "Tonight?"
Annabel: "They need it first thing in the morning. Peterson says we might be pulling an all-nighter."
Tom: "Well, I can't drive. I've been drinking."
Annabel: "I'll drive. Come on."
Tom: "Thanks."
Annabel: "Don't worry, Lynette. I'll deliver him back to you as soon as I can."
Lynette: "Please do."
Tom and Annabel leave. Tom takes a long look at Lynette who has her back to him as they leave.
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Gabrielle's House
A large gathering of friends and neighbors are in the pool area of the Solis's house. Everyone's chatting or eating. Carlos is working the barbeque grill. Gabrielle is standing next to him. Carlos hangs the tongs to Gabrielle.
Carlos: "Honey, take over for a minute. I’m giving my speech."
Gabrielle: "Oh!"
Carlos: "Make sure they stay pink like that okay?"
Carlos grabs a drink and walks away. Gabrielle holds her nose. Susan and Julie approach.
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, yeah, I just didn’t realize how disgusting meat could be."
Carlos taps his glass.
Carlos: "Everyone. I just wanted to say that it really means a lot to me that all of you came and as you know, in a few days, I will be taking a little government-sponsored vacation."
In the crowd are Bree and Rex, Edie and Felicia, and Sophie. Gabrielle is still at the grill, turning the meat.
Carlos: "Lucky for me, breakfast is included."
Crowd laughs.
Julie: "Oh, God."
Julie sees Paul and Zach.
Carlos: "The bottom line is, I’m going away to jail. And when a man goes away to jail, which I hope none of you here ever have to do, he sees who his real friends are. So, thanks."
Carlos raises his glass. Everyone follows suit.
Everyone: "Hear, hear!"
Gabrielle, still turning the meat, begins to gag. She holds her mouth and runs into the house. As she runs by Sophie, she grabs the bottle of champagne in Sophie’s hand.
Sophie: "Excuse you!"
George and Ginger enter the party.
George: "Stay put till I need you. Don’t talk to anyone and for God’s sake, don’t get drunk."
Ginger: "You know, I was supposed to go to my cousin’s wedding today."
George: "It’s not a wedding, it’s a commitment ceremony. Now sit down and try to fit in."
George walks away.
Inside the house, Gabrielle enters the bathroom with the bottle of champagne and leans over the sink. She pushes the window closed.
Gabrielle: "Oh!"
She runs to the wall and turns on the overhead fan. She looks as though she is ready to vomit and leans over the sink again.
Gabrielle: "Oh!"
Outside, Julie is sitting all alone. Zach, carrying a plate, comes over.
Zach: "I got you a hot dog."
Julie: "No thanks, I’m full."
Zach: "They have a croquet set. Want to go hit some balls?"
Julie: "No."
Zach: "Oh that’s fine. We can just sit here."
Julie: "Zach! I don’t want to be your girlfriend. I don’t want to hang out with you. I just want you to leave me alone. Okay?"
Zach: "Okay."
Zach walks away as Julie stares after him.
In the bathroom, Gabrielle pours herself a glass of champagne. She stares at it and sighs, then pours it into the sink. She looks over on the counter and pulls out her birth control pills. She places the container on the counter and starts to hit it over and over. She sees that the foil on the back of the package is open.
"In that moment, while looking at the pills that had been so obviously tampered with, Gabrielle's nausea was suddenly replaced by an even stronger sensation: rage."
Outside, Zach watches as Julie hugs a male friend. Bree is talking to friends and sees George approaching with a glass in hand. Rex rushes up and pulls George around. George’s drink splashed onto Rex.
Rex: "What are you doing?"
George: "I am so sorry. That was an accident."
Rex: "Answer my question. What are you doing here?"
George: "I was invited."
Rex: "By who?"
George: "You know what, Dr. Van de Kamp? I don't believe I have to answer to you."
Rex: "See, I think you do."
Bree approaches.
Bree: "What's going on here?"
Rex: "He crashed the party. This guy clearly is not taking no for an answer."
Bree: "It's okay. George has a girlfriend. You brought her, didn't you?"
Rex: "He doesn't have a girlfriend."
George: "I do so. She's right over there."
George points at Ginger who is eating.
Rex: "That's his girlfriend?"
Bree: See? We were worried for nothing."
George: "So any time you want to apologize..."
Bree: Oh, come on, Rex. You owe George some sort of gesture."
Rex turns away then turns back.
Bree: (to George) "I’m sorry."
Rex: "Oh, what the hell?"
Rex pushes George into the pool. George grabs Bree’s hand just before falling in, pulling Bree in with him.
Ginger stands there laughing, while the crowd is shocked.
Bree: "Rex, have you lost your mind?"
Rex: "To be fair, I only pushed him."
Gabrielle comes running out of the house.
Gabrielle: "Carlos, you son of a bitch. I am pregnant, and it's all your fault!"
Gabrielle holds up the pills that Carlos had switched. She slaps Carlos and stomps back into the house. Susan looks on, shocked. Carlos smiles.
Edie turns to Felicia, who’s standing next to her.
Edie: "Wow! This is turning into one hell of a party."
Gabrielle is standing in her front yard. Susan runs after her.
Susan: "Are you okay?"
Gabrielle: "I think I can honestly say no, I'm not."
Susan: "I'm sorry."
Gabrielle: "Thanks."
Susan: "But you know what they say about kids: that you can't imagine having them until you do, and then you can't imagine life without them. It's true. All I'm saying is maybe this is a blessing in disguise."
Gabrielle: "I don't know who the father is."
Susan: "What?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah."
Susan: "So you mean you and John have still been..."
Gabrielle: "Yeah."
Susan: "Gabby!"
Gabrielle: "Oh, I know, Susan, but I don't know what I'm gonna do."
Suddenly, there’s an explosion from across the street. It’s Susan’s house, and her kitchen window blows out.
Susan and Gabrielle scream.
Susan: "Oh, oh, oh, my god! Oh, my god, that's, that's my house!"
Gabrielle: "I'll call nine-one-one!"
Susan: "Yes, that's, that's, that's my house! Oh! Oh! Oh, my, oh, my, look, my kitchen! Oh, it's a big fire!"
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Susan's House
A fireman, Susan, Sophie, and Julie enter the burnt kitchen.
Fireman: "Turns out someone left the gas on with candles burning."
Susan: "That's not possible. We don't burn candles during the day."
Sophie: "Uh, well, I did have a, a French vanilla candle burning earlier, but, but I'm almost positive I, I blew it out."
Fireman: "You're almost positive?"
Sophie closes her eyes and makes the motions of blowing out a candle.
Sophie: "Yes. I did. I-I did, I-I think."
Fireman: "Look, you're lucky the fire was contained. The damage could have been far more extensive. You've got to be more careful from now on."
Susan looks out the burnt window and in the crowd she can see Paul Young standing in his yard looking her way. Once Paul sees Susan looking, he turns and enters his house.
Susan: "Don't worry. We will be."
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Drug Store
George is working with prescriptions. Bree enters the store.
George: "Bree, hi."
Bree: "Hi. You left the party so quickly, I didn't have a chance to apologize to you for what Rex did. Oh, George, I'm so sorry he humiliated you in front of all those people. I don't know what got into him."
George: "Isn't it obvious? He hates me."
Bree: "No, he doesn't hate you. He doesn't even know you, and you don't really even know him."
George: "Well, I know this much: he's not gonna let us be friends."
Bree: "Well, that's not his choice to make."
George: "What if he asked you not to see me anymore? What if he orders you not to?"
Bree: "Well, I decide who I need in my life, and I've decided that I need you, and that's all there is to it."
George: "He could make it awfully difficult for you to spend time with me."
Bree: "Well, who says he has to know how I spend my free time?"
They smile at each other.
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Susan's House
Susan picks up the phone book. She thumbs through it and runs her finger down the page until she stops at a listing for 慔afts Detective Agency.?
Susan: "I'm having trouble with the family across the street. I think one of them may have set a fire in my house, and I don't know why, but - I feel like it's got something to do with my friend who killed herself. I called the police, but they didn't take me seriously."
Susan is sitting in the detective’s office.
Susan: "This family's got a secret. A bad secret. I think I'm in over my head. I need you to find out everything there is to know about Paul Young and his family. Do you think you can help me?"
Private Investigator: "As a matter of fact, I know I can."
The detective is the same investigator who helped Paul Young find out who wrote the threatening note to his wife that resulted in her suicide.
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Wisteria Lane - Dusk
"Spring comes every year to Wisteria Lane, but not everyone remembers to stop and smell the flowers. Some are too busy worrying about the future..."
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Lynette's House
Lynette is sitting on her front porch, holding the baby. Tom comes out and kisses her on the head before he leaves for work. Lynette looks worried as she watches Tom leave.
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Gabrielle's House
"Or mistakes they've made in the past."
Gabrielle is on her porch reading. She reaches down and puts her hand on her stomach.
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Garden
"Others are preoccupied with not getting caught."
Bree walks down the street looking around as though checking to see if anyone is watching. George is waiting for her and they walk away arm in arm.
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Susan's House
A workman is holding Susan’s new window.
Susan: "It’s a window."
Workman laughs. Susan lets the workman inside.
"Or thinking of ways to catch someone else."
Susan turns to close the door. She sees Paul across the street staring at her.
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Martha Huber's House
"Still, there will always be a few who remember to take a moment and appreciate what spring has given them."
Felicia is working in her garden surrounded by flowers.
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Bedroom
"Just as there will always be those who prefer to sit in the dark brooding over everything they've lost."
Focus in on somebody holding a lighter, its flame dancing. The camera moves up to show that it's Zach holding the lighter as he lies in bed, looking at a small collage of photos on his wall, all of Julie.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.21 - Sunday In The Park With George
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Noah Taylor" - Bob Gunton
"Mr. Shaw" - Richard Roundtree
"Annabel Foster" - Melinda McGraw
"Kendra Taylor" - Heather Stephens
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Sophie Bremmer" - Lesley Ann Warren
"Morty" - Bob Newhart
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Gary" - Joe Hart
"Security Guard" - Bari K. Willerford
Written by: Katie Ford
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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Susan's House
Sophie, in her pajamas, is sitting in her bedroom.
"When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic."
She opens a large velvet ring box.
"She was also hopelessly naïve. Which is how she came to be married four times."
The velvet box contains four diamond rings.
"The first time, to a man who liked to gamble."
Flashback to a man pushing a diamond ring across a felt table in a casino.
"The second time to a man who liked to drink..."
Flashback to a man pushing a diamond ring across a bar.
"The third time to a man who liked other men."
Flashback to a man dressed in a bright flowered shirt pushing a diamond ring across a table in a fancy restaurant.
"And the fourth time, to the same man she married the second time."
Flashback to the second man pushing a diamond ring across the bar, then taking a drink.
In present time, Sophie looks at all four rings.
"Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken, so she decided she would never get married again. And then, one night..."
Morty: "Sophie!"
"...she had a visitor."
Outside, standing on the front walk, is Morty.
Morty: "Sophie!"
Susan comes out the back door.
Susan: "Morty? What are you doing?"
Morty: "I, I, I need to, I need to talk to Sophie."
Susan: "Now? Are you drunk?"
Morty: "Uh, just, just a little. How are you, Susan?"
Susan leads Morty inside. Sophie watches from her upstairs window. Susan leads Morty into the living room and closes the door leading to the family room.
Morty: "I got, I got to speak to, uh, Sophie."
Susan: "Are you crazy? It’s one o抍lock in the morning. She’s sleeping."
Sophie comes downstairs and eavesdrops.
Morty: "I’m gonna, I’m gonna ask her to, to marry me."
Susan: "What?"
Morty: "Well, I thought I could be happy. The restaurant is starting to make money. I just, I just bought a new jet ski. My, my cholesterol is down, but none of it’s any fun without her."
Susan: "Oh, Morty. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. She’s moved
on. Why don't you just sit down. I’m gonna call you a cab."
Sophie walks in.
Morty: "Sophie."
Sophie: "Your doctor told you not to drink."
Morty: "Well, there are, there are times when you need, uh, when you need liquid courage."
Morty hands Sophie a ring box. Sophie opens it.
Sophie: "Oh! Oh! Did this ring belong to Dolores?"
Susan: "You gave her your dead wife’s ring?"
Morty: "It’s a, it's a three-carat diamond. I mean, she should, you know, she shouldn't care if it’s used. So, what do you say, Soph?"
Sophie: "All right."
Morty: "Really?"
Susan: "Really?"
Sophie: "Yeah."
Morty leans in to kiss her and Sophie holds a hand in between them.
Sophie: "Oh, no, see, you gotta do it officially. You know."
Morty: "Oh, oh. Um."
Susan: "Yeah, um, oh, here."
Susan grabs a pillow and takes it to Morty. She puts it on the floor where Morty kneels on it.
Morty: "Sophie, would you do me the honor of, of marrying me?"
"Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic."
Sophie: "On one condition. Tomorrow we trade this in for a ring of my own. And I want a bigger diamond than Dolores got."
Morty turns to look at Susan, who gives him a shrug. He turns back to Sophie, a forced-look smile on his face.
"But she was no longer than me."
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There's a montage of wedding photos of Paul and Mary Alice, Bree and Rex, Tom and Lynette, and Carlos and Gabrielle.
"Marriage is a simple concept. Basically, it’s a contract between two people. It binds them together for life in the hopes that they can live happily ever after. Sadly, some contracts were made to be broken."
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Gabrielle's House
In the living room, Gabrielle throws glass knick knack at Carlos. As he ducks to avoid getting hit, they smash on the wall behind him.
Carlos: "I did not mess with your birth control."
Gabrielle: "Really?"
Carlos: "Really!"
Gabrielle walks up to Carlos with the birth control package.
Gabrielle: "Look. It’s been pulled apart and put back together."
Carlos: "It’s probably a manufacturing defect."
Gabrielle: "You can still see the glue marks."
Carlos: "I’m telling you, I didn’t do it."
Gabrielle: "Don’t insult me, Carlos. You’re been whining about wanting a baby for months. Who else would it have been?"
Carlos: "I don’t, I, oh no."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Carlos: "Mama."
Gabrielle: "Oh, please."
Carlos: "Hey, it’s possible. I mean you buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah. So?"
Carlos: "Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry."
Gabrielle: "That bitch! I can’t believe her."
Carlos: "I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling."
Gabrielle: "Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she’s good!"
Gabrielle walks to her purse. She puts on her sunglasses.
Carlos: "Where are you going?"
Gabrielle: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."
Gabrielle storms out of the house. Carlos smiles and lies down on the couch.
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Lynette's House
In the kitchen, Lynette is feeding the baby. Tom comes in.
Tom: "Hey, honey. I’m gonna be home late tonight. Peterson wants to take a bunch of us out for drinks."
Lynette: "Oh, that’s fine. Uh, I wanted to talk to you about something."
Tom: "What?"
From outside, a horn honks.
Lynette: "Oh, that’s your carpool. You gotta go, never mind."
Tom: "Lynette, what is it?"
Lynette: "It’s, it's nothing."
Tom: "Okay."
Lynette: "It’s just - we haven’t had sex in ten days and the longest we‘re ever gone before is nine."
From outside, a horn honks. Tom: "Are you sure? I mean, didn’t, didn't we do it last Thursday?"
Lynette: "We started to but then, you fell asleep."
Tom: "Is this why you’re so worried? Because we can do it tonight if you want to."
Lynette: "Whatever."
Tom: "No, no, I’re got ten days pent up in me. We are doing it tonight! You have nothing to worry about."
Someone knocks on the front door. Tom: "Oh crap. You know what, I forgot my briefcase. Can you just tell them that I’ll be right there."
Lynette: "Yeah, sure."
Tom runs upstairs and Lynette opens the door.
Lynette: "Oh."
Annabel walks in.
Annabel: "Hey, Lynette."
Lynette: "Hey."
Annabel: "So is Tom almost ready?"
Lynette: "Yeah, he’s just getting his briefcase."
Two short beeps are heard.
Annabel: "Oh, sorry."
Annabel pulls out her phone and checks the screen. Lynette looks at how nicely Annabel is dressed then looks at how she is dressed in her old sweats. Tom comes down the stairs, kisses Lynette, and runs out the door. Annabel follows Tom as she turns and smiles at Lynette.
Annabel: "Bye."
Lynette: "Bye."
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Susan's House, Outside
Sophie is smiling and admiring her engagement ring. Behind her, Morty is struggling as he carries Sophie’s suitcases to his car.
Morty: "I got it. I, I got it."
Susan and Julie come out of the house. Sophie approaches Susan.
Sophie: "Thank you for having me. I’m gonna miss you both so much."
Sophie hugs Susan and Julie.
Susan: "Oh, us too. The house will feel just empty without you."
Julie: "Can’t you guys just stay a little longer?"
Susan: "Oh, no.. no.. no. They want to get their new life together started. We don’t wanna hold these crazy kids back."
Susan leads Sophie toward Morty’s car. She opens the door for her mother. Sophie laughs while getting in the car. Susan goes over to Morty and hugs him.
Susan: "Bye Morty."
Morty: "Uh, listen. I hope, I hope it’s okay but your mom told me some of the stuff that you’re been going through with, you know, the plumbing guy across the street."
Susan: "She did, huh?"
Morty: "Yeah, um, don't, don’t give up on him. I mean, if I, if I had given up, I wouldn’t be here now with this lovely lady."
Susan: "Did she tell you that he served time in prison for manslaughter?"
Morty: "No, no, she left, she left that part out."
Susan: "I don’t suppose she told you he was a drug dealer?"
Morty: "I don't, I don’t recall that."
Sophie gets out of the car and approaches Morty and Susan.
Sophie: "Will you stop? You don’t know the whole story."
Susan: "Mother!"
Sophie: "I went over there and I told him how much you love him."
Susan: "What? What were you thinking?"
Julie: "What did he say?"
Susan: "Yeah. What did he say?"
Sophie: "I think I walked in on him at a very bad time. Someone close to him had just died."
Susan: "Oh, God. Really?"
Sophie: "He could use a shoulder to cry on. Can I have one more hug? Please, I can’t stand it."
Susan hugs Sophie. She looks across the street at Mike’s house and sees him come out. He sees her as he goes to his mailbox and their eyes meet.
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Restaurant
Bree and George are having lunch. Bree takes a bite of food.
Bree: "Mmm. Oh George. You have got to taste this. Mmm. It’s a little messy but..."
George: "Mmm. I can’t wait."
Bree takes a forkful and passes it to George.
George: "Mmm. Is that fennel seed? It’s fantastic."
Bree: "I don’t know, but anything that good has got to be sinful."
George: "Isn’t this fun trying different dishes? Opening your mind to new experiences?"
Bree: "Mmm. Rex just hates these cook’s stores. He likes to stay at home with the same old plate of spaghetti and a mug of root beer."
They both laugh. They both take another bite of food. George gazes at her. When she looks at him again, he looks down at his plate.
George: "So how about this marinara sauce? I think it’s the best I’ve ever had."
Bree: "I had one better, but that was in Italy."
George: "Mmm. Been to Italy?"
Bree: "Um huh. Rex and I took a vacation there right before the kids were born. We had so much fun in those first few years. I guess it was just easier to be happy back then. I don’t know why I just said that. No more wine for me."
George: "Maybe we should go to Italy."
Bree: "What?"
George: "Wouldn’t that be a hoot? All those museum and cathedrals and fantastic retories. We could just make pigs of ourselves."
Bree: "I can’t go on a trip with you, George."
George: "Why not?"
Bree: "I’m married. People would talk."
George: "You’re right. I’m sorry. It's a bad idea."
Bree: "Oh don’t worry about it. Here, I want you to try one of these clams. I bet they’re as good as the marinara sauce."
Bree laughs as she holds a forkful up for George to taste. She sees Edie sitting at another table and she waves. Edie waves back and watches as Bree spoon feeds George.
George: "Mmm. You are absolutely right. When it’s that good, it's just gotta be sinful."
On the word "sinful," Bree looks over guiltily at Edie who smiles knowingly at her.
George: "Mmm!"
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Lynette's House, Nighttime
Lynette enters the living room, carrying the baby. The boys are on the couch, watching TV.
Lynette: "Okay boys. It’s seven o'clock. It’s time for bed. Excuse me, let's go."
Boys: "Why do we have to go to bed so early?"
Lynette: "I told you, honey. Daddy and I have a special meeting tonight. Go on. Come on. Love you."
The boys go upstairs, whining. Later, Tom walks in the front door and puts down his briefcase, picks up the mail and walks toward the living room. Lynette walks up and grabs him from behind.
Lynette: "Hi."
She begins kissing the back of his neck.
Tom: "Whoa. Hi. Oh, all right, this is the tenth day. Hey, honey, give me a second the let the office wear off. Okay, I’m in."
Tom turns and begins kissing Lynette who fully responds. He picks up Lynette and sits her on the back of the couch. He stops kissing her and looks as though something is bothering him.
Lynette: "What are you thinking?"
Tom: "I was wondering what that smell is."
Lynette: "Oh, it’s probably baby drool."
Lynette pulls off her shirt and falls back on the couch.
Lynette: "There. Now you have easier access. Whoo hoo!"
Tom: "Incoming!"
Tom falls on top of Lynette and they begin kissing again. Tom suddenly stops.
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Wow, that smell really, really soaked though, huh?"
Lynette: "Yes. It soaked through a little. That is the nature of baby throw up. Do you want me to wear a haz-mat suit or are you gonna be okay?"
Tom: "No, no, no I just like it when you’re all clean and in your sexy clothes."
Lynette (laughing): "I don’t own anything clean" (she hits Tom with his tie), "and sexy" (hits him again), "everything is either covered in baby spit" (hits him again), "or chunks of melted crayon." (hits him again)
Tom: "Okay, okay, I said I was sorry."
Lynette: "You make me feel like I just got off the shrimp boat, for God‘s sakes."
Tom: " Honey, honey, I said I’m sorry. It’s just that, you know, guys sometimes like it when women, you know, put a little effort into things."
Lynette sighs.
Tom: "Okay, um, can we just go back to the kissing thing? Please, can we try that?"
Lynette: "Fine."
They begin kissing again. The baby begins to cry.
Lynette: "Okay, off."
Lynette pushes Tom off. The baby continues to cry.
Tom: "Okay."
Boys (yelling): "Mom, the baby’s up. Mom! Mom! Mom!"
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Mr. Shaw's Car, Nighttime
Paul Young is sitting in the passenger seat of the investigator's car.
Paul: "Susan Mayer hired you?"
Mr. Shaw: "I know. She decided to stop poking around in your life and call me, of all people. Lucky for you I’re got the biggest ad in the phone book."
Paul: "What am I gonna do?"
Mr. Shaw: "Run. Pack up your kid and get out of town."
Paul: "That’s tricky. My son doesn’t want to move. He can be pretty insistent."
Mr. Shaw: "Well, I can throw her off the scent for a while. "
Paul: "Fine."
Mr. Shaw: "All right, then. Tell me exactly what it is you want this woman to believe."
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Susan's House
Mr. Shaw is sitting at Susan's kitchen table, reading from a file.
Mr. Shaw: "She was born Angela. When she was a teenager she changed her name to Mary Alice. Now on my application it says that she was named after a relative that she no longer speaks to. Now, here’s her birth certificate and her Utah petition for a legal name change."
Susan: "What about Dana?"
Mr. Shaw: "There was a record of another child, a girl, Dana Marie Young, died at eighteen months. Apparently from some kind of fall."
Susan: "It was all true, everything he said. How could I have been so wrong?"
Mr. Shaw: "Hmm. Well, I’m gonna need a check."
Susan: "Oh, of course."
Susan walks to her purse. While looking in the purse, she looks out the window across the street at Mike Delfino’s house.
Susan: "Actually, before you go I need you to check into someone else’s background. There’s this plumber I know..."
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Park
John is raking leaves. Gabrielle approaches him.
John: "Hey, did you get my messages?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I didn’t want to call you back because I wanted to talk to you in person. I have some potentially upsetting news."
John: "Come on, Mrs. Solis. I mean, you can tell me. I can handle it."
Gabrielle: "I’m pregnant and it might be yours."
John looks shocked. Wide shot of John yelling and kicking the leaves he had been raking, He picks up the garbage bags and tosses them.
Gabrielle shrieks.
John: "I can barely afford my new dirt bike. How am I gonna handle child support?"
Gabrielle: "I don’t even know for sure if it’s yours, so relax. And I didn’t come here to watch you freak out!"
John: "Well, why did you come here?"
Gabrielle: "Because I want to make sure you let me protect you."
John: "From who?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, Carlos, your parents. John, something like this could ruin your life. That’s why you have to keep quiet about our affair. There is no point in this catastrophe taking both of us down."
John: "Thank you."
Gabrielle: "Forget about it."
John: "I should have worn a condom."
Gabrielle: "Yeah. That would have been helpful."
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Susan's House
Susan paces while Julie sits at the table with a file in front of her.
Julie: "You hired a private investigator?"
Susan: "I can’t trust Mike and I want to find out what really happened. From a source that doesn’t have an agenda. Now open it up."
Julie: "Okay. Ready?"
Susan: "Go."
Julie begins opening the file.
Susan: "Stop!"
Julie: "What?"
Susan: "Um, okay, If, if, if you find out something really bad, just try to put a positive spin on it.""
Julie opens the file and begins to read while Susan continues to pace.
Julie: "Okay. I have some good news and some bad news."
Susan: "Give me the bad news first."
Julie: "The guy Mike killed was a cop."
Susan: "Oh my God. Oh my God! Okay, give me the good news."
Julie: "There is none."
Susan: "What?"
Julie: "You told me to spin it. I did the best I could."
Susan: "Oh forget it, just let me look at it myself."
Susan picks up newspaper clippings. One headline reads "Drug Dealer Kills Cop." Another headline reads "Hundreds Mourn Slain Officer."
Susan picks up a picture of an unshaven Mike, dressed in an orange jumpsuit, being taken away by officers. In the background of the picture stand an elderly man and a young woman. It’s Noah and Kendra.
Susan: "I can’t believe it."
Julie: "What is it?"
Susan shows the picture to Julie. She points to the young woman.
Susan: "I know her."
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Noah's House, Outside
Kendra is on the porch overlooking the vast garden. She sees Mike and her father talking in the distance. She goes down into the yard to where Mike and Noah are.
Kendra: "What’s going on here? You two just won’t stop, will you?
Deirdre’s dead. It doesn’t matter who killed her, just let it go."
Mike: "It’s not that easy, Kendra."
Kendra: "Why? My sister hated you, both of you. She said so."
Noah: "It was the drugs talking."
Kendra: "Right, right. The drugs. Deirdre humiliated this family and
she threw our love back in our faces. She knew it and she couldn’t have
cared less."
Noah: "Are you done?"
Kendra: "No. I want to know what your plan is."
Mike: "We’re just talking."
Kendra: "I don’t believe you."
Mike: "Then don’t ask."
Kendra leaves.
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Bree's House
Bree and Rex come out the front door.
Rex: "Of course, I don’t want a new cardiologist, but Lee’s been
conducting tests for weeks. He should have been able to figure out
what's wrong with me by now."
Bree: "Honey, we socialize with them. What am I gonna say to Helen?"
Rex: "All I know is I’re never felt worse. And I’re gotta do
something."
As they approach their car at the curb, Bree sees Edie across the
street.
Bree: "Um, I, uh, I have to talk to Edie."
She begins to walk away.
Rex: "Uh, Bree, we’re gonna be late."
Bree: "Oh. It'll just take a second. I need to um, get uh, a recipe."
Bree runs across the street and catches up with Edie.
Bree: "Edie, hi."
Edie: "Hi."
Bree: "I saw you at Fredo’s yesterday."
Edie: "Yeah, I saw you too. Naughty, naughty!"
Bree: "I beg your pardon?"
Edie: "The guy. The one you were spoon feeding. Not bad, a little
petite for my taste, but then again, I’m not the one sleeping with
him."
Bree: "Okay, this is exactly what I was afraid of. George and I are
just friends."
Edie: "Hey, I’m not judging you. I get it. Rex was sticking it to that
hooker housewife. It's payback time."
Bree: "You have got the wrong idea. That man is my pharmacist."
Edie: "You can have an affair with anyone and you chose a phamacist?
You are such a Republican."
Bree: "I am not having an affair. George and I, we just talk. He’s a
very good listener and I share my hopes and dreams with him and my
innermost thoughts, and, and that’s all there is to it and you have to
believe me."
Edie: "Okay, I believe you."
Bree: "Thank you. I’m glad we cleared this up. I know it must have
looked strange and I, I didn’t want you to think that I was cheating on
my husband."
Edie: "But you sort of are."
Bree: "Excuse me?"
Edie: "Oh, come on, Bree. You’re telling this guy your innermost
thoughts, your hopes, your dreams? Sex aside, it sounds like you’re
pretty intimate with a guy who is not your husband."
Bree: "Oh, I mean everybody needs someone to talk to."
Rex honks the horn.
Edie: "Well, what's wrong with talking to Rex?"
Edie smiles and walks away.
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Martha Huber's House
Felicia is on the phone. The answering machine picks up the other line.
Paul: "We’re not home, please leave a message."
Felicia: "Hello Zach? It’s Felicia Tilman. I do so enjoy our little
visits and I haven’t seen you for a few days."
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Paul's House
Paul sits by the phone, listening to Felicia on the answering machine.
Felicia: "Hope everything is all right."
Paul picks up the phone.
Paul: "Zach’s not feeling well."
Felicia: "Oh. Paul."
Paul: "And I don’t think it’s appropriate that he spends so much time
at your house."
Paul hangs up the phone. He then walks into Zach's room, carrying a
tray with two cups of cocoa on it.
Zach is lying in bed, dozing.
Paul: "I made us some cocoa. How are you feeling?"
Zach: "I’re felt awful for two days now. Think I should see a doctor?"
Zach reaches for the cup nearest him. Paul grabs his hand and leads his
hand to the other cup. Zach slowly brings the cup to his lips and
drinks.
Paul: "It’s probably just a touch of the flu. We’ll keep an eye on it.
It’s this house, Zach. I feel it too. It isn’t healthy for us to stay
here."
Zach: "I told you. I’m not moving."
Zach is falling back to sleep.
Paul: "It would be for your own good."
Paul walks briskly to the bookcase in the living room, takes down some
framed photos, and puts them in a suitcase.
Paul (voice over): "You can’t keep running around doing the kinds of
things you are doing. Susan Mayer’s kitchen for example. People are
gonna catch on."
Zach (barely audible): "Yes."
Paul: "Wouldn’t it be great to just start over? Somewhere in the
country. You could meet some new friends. Maybe even meet a new girl."
Zach falls back to sleep and begins to drop the cup. Paul grabs it.
Paul: "How about I let you sleep on it? We’ll talk about moving
tomorrow."
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Shopping Center, Outside
Lynette, holding baby Penny, closes the car door. She starts down the sidewalk, passing by a store entitled "Nighttime Necessities." Lynette stops to look at the models in the window, which are wearing naughty-looking maid outfits.
"The lack of passion in her marriage had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette. Then one day it occurred to her the best way to fight reality was with a little fantasy."
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Lynette's House, Nighttime
Lynette comes downstairs wearing the French maid costume. "Of course, all the fantasy in the world won’t do you any good if no one shows up to enjoy it."
Lynette poses on the back of the couch. Next she lies on the back of the couch, yawning. Next, she is sitting on the couch pouring wine and looking towards the door. Next she has a glass of wine and is walking around dusting. She tosses the duster and continues to look toward the front door. Next she is lying on the couch pouring the last of the wine into her cup and drinking it. She falls asleep.
The front door opens. Tom walks in with another man.
Tom: "Here we go."
Man: "I really feel bad about putting you out like this, Tom."
Tom: "You’re not putting anybody out. You’re been flying all day, why stay in some hotel. I just hope you don’t mind sleeping on the sofa."
They approach the couch and see Lynette fast asleep in a very unlade like position.
Man: "Yeah, the sofa should be fine."
In the morning, Lynette is cleaning up breakfast when she knocks a cup over. Tom comes in fixing his tie.
Tom: "Hey, honey, why don’t you just let the maid get that."
Lynette: "Oh, ha, ha ha, not funny, Tom."
Tom: "Oh by the way, Gary is showering. He asked if you could just bring him a clean towel and your riding crop."
Lynette passes behind Tom and kicks him in the butt.
Tom (laughing): "Come on."
Lynette: "No, I’m glad that you find my humiliation so entertaining."
Tom: "Honey, you were wearing a French maid’s costume. I mean, c'mon, what were you thinking?"
Lynette: "I was thinking our marriage was in trouble and one of us ought to do something to try and save it."
Tom: "Whoa. Since when is our marriage in trouble? Okay so we haven’t had sex for a few days. Big deal, it happens."
Outside, a horn honks.
Lynette: "Oh, that Annabel. How ironic."
Tom: "How is Annabel relevant to this conversation?"
Lynette: "Because she now comes to this house every morning to remind of you of what I’m not."
Tom: "What?"
Lynette: "She’s the fantasy, Tom. The hot woman that you work with every day. With her manicured nails and her designer outfits. I am the reality. The wife who never wears make up and whose clothes smell like a hamper."
Tom: "Okay, this may be the stupidest thing you’re ever said."
Lynette: "I used to be the fantasy. There was a time that I didn’t need a maid’s outfit because I knew I was enough for you. Even wearing a smelly T- shirt. And clearly, that’s no longer the case."
Lynette tears up.
Tom: "Okay, honey. I don’t know what to say. Look, if there’s a way for me to fix this I will do it. Just tell me and I will do it."
Lynette: "No there’s nothing to fix. We’re changed. That’s all I’m saying."
Gary comes downstairs. From outside, the horn honks again.
Gary: "You ready?"
Lynette: "You should go. You don’t want to keep Annabel waiting."
Tom leaves.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle and Carlos are in the bathroom. Carlos is in the tub while Gabrielle sits off to the side, pouring hot sauce into her salsa.
Carlos: "You be careful with that. You’ll give the baby heartburn."
Gabrielle: "I can’t get it hot enough. My hormones are killing my taste buds."
Carlos: "You’re been paying more attention to your food than you have to me lately."
Gabrielle: "I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother."
Gabrielle picks up her chips and salsa and hot sauce and walks out. Outside, Gabrielle is sitting on her front porch pouring more hot sauce into the salsa. John’s truck drives up. John gets out and Gabrielle runs down to him.
Gabrielle: "John, what are you doing here?"
John: "I’re been doing some serious thinking about the baby."
Gabrielle: "Really? Why?"
John: "Because, there’s a good chance that it’s mine. And if it is, I want to do the right thing."
Gabrielle: "No, no, no. Nobody expects you to do the right thing."
John: "Yeah, I kinda figured you’d try to blow me off. That’s why I’m going directly to Mr. Solis."
John goes past Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: "What? Are you crazy? He would kill us both."
John: "He and I need to hash this out, man to man. It’s what’s best for the baby."
John tries to go past Gabrielle. She pushes him back.
Gabrielle: "John!"
John: "Well, are you gonna go get him, or am I?"
Gabrielle: "Okay, you win. Wait right here."
Gabrielle turns and goes inside. She looks out the front door for a moment, then races up the stairs. She goes into the bathroom where Carlos is just climbing out of the tub.
Gabrielle: "Uh, don’t get out."
Carlos: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Because, I was going to get in. Yeah. You see pregnant women have very strong urges."
Carlos: "All right."
Gabrielle: "Okay, I’m gonna freshen up, and I’ll be right back."
Carlos: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "You sit. Sit. I’m turning on some music."
Gabrielle turns on the music, loud. Carlos smiles and sinks lower into the tub.
Gabrielle runs downstairs and out the front door. She locks the door as she exits it. John runs up to her as she turns back around.
Gabrielle: "Um, Carlos is unavailable at the moment."
John reaches pass Gabrielle and tries the door.
John: "You’re lying."
Gabrielle: "John, what are you doing?"
John walks pass Gabrielle and begins banging on the door.
John: "Mr. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "John, stop it."
John: " Mr. Solis, open up!"
Gabrielle: "John!"
In the bathtub, Carlos is relaxing, listening to the loud music. On the porch, John picks up a chair. Gabrielle runs over.
Gabrielle: "What are you doing. John! John!"
John: "Mrs. Solis, get out of the way!"
Gabrielle: " What are you doing? John, no!"
John: "Get out of the way! Mrs. Solis."
John holds up the chair up to throw in through the front window. Gabrielle sees her chips and salsa she was eating earlier. She picks up the salsa and throws it in John’s face.
John drops the chair and falls backwards over the porch railing, screaming. Gabrielle looks on in horror.
Gabrielle: "Oh my God!"
In the bathroom, Carlos is still in the tub playing with the water. Outside, Gabrielle is on the front lawn helping John up.
John (holding his eyes): "My God! It burns."
Gabrielle: "Oh. I’m sorry. But it’s just salsa."
John: "It feels like acid!"
Gabrielle: "Really? I’m been finding it so bland."
John (yelling) "Mr. Solis!"
Gabrielle: "John!"
John: "Mr. Solis, come out here I need to talk to you!"
Gabrielle: "John! Shut up! Shut the hell up! Listen to me. You are never gonna be the father of this baby. No matter what the paternity tests say, it’s Carlos? child."
John: "How can you say that?"
Gabrielle: "Because Carlos can provide, John. He will give this baby everything. Piano lessons and summer camp and, and the best colleges. He can raise this child the way a child deserves to be raised. You can‘t."
John: "This isn’t about money. Okay, this is about what is best for the baby."
Gabrielle: "If you want what’s best for the baby then you will help me. Okay? Help me to make sure that this kid does not grow up poor like I did."
Carlos come out on the front porch, dressed in a robe.
Carlos: "What’s taking you? Oh, hey John. What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle: "Uh, he..."
John: "Justin was thinking the hydrangeas needed replacing. He wanted me to come by for a second opinion."
Carlos: "Your friend is a good kid. But he’s not half the gardener you were. You should come back and work for us. I mean, you’re practically family."
John: "Thanks, Mr. Solis."
John looks at Carlos smiling, then at the worried look on Gabrielle’s face, then walks away.
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Martha Huber's House, Outside
Felicia sits on the front porch, reading. She sees Paul get into his car and drive away. She then goes to his house and rings the bell.
Felicia: "Zach. Are you here?"
Felicia then opens the garage door and goes into the house. She sees the living room is filled with packed boxes. She goes into Zach’s room and sees him fast asleep. She runs to him and pulls him over. She listens to his breathing and takes his pulse.
Felicia then goes to the kitchen, searching the cupboards. She opens a drawer and pulls out an oven mitt. She puts her hand inside and pulls out a pill bottle. She goes back into Zach’s room and holds his head in her hands.
Felicia: "I have to do this, dear. I know you will forgive me."
Felicia slaps Zach, hard. He awakens.
Felicia helps Zach walk out of the house, supporting him as he stumbles. Inside, by the drawer where she found the oven mitt, she left the drawer open and left a note on the counter above the drawer. The note reads: "Paul. Zach is with me. Felicia."
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Lynette's House, Nighttime
Lynette is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Tom walks in.
Tom: "Hey."
Lynette: "Hey."
Tom: "Are the boys asleep?"
Lynette: "Tucked in tight."
Tom: "And Penny?"
Lynette: "Sound asleep."
Tom pulls a timer out of his pocket. He winds it up and puts it on the couch next to Lynette.
Tom: "Okay, when this thing goes off, meet me in the bedroom."
Tom begins going upstairs.
Lynette: "Tom, what is this?"
Tom: "Ah ah ah ah. Wait till it goes off."
Tom runs upstairs. Later, Lynette stands outside the bedroom door, holding the ticking timer. It goes off.
Lynette: "All right. I’m coming in."
She enters the bedroom looking for Tom. He steps into the lighted doorway of the bathroom, dressed in the briefest of briefs.
Lynette: "Ahhhh! Oh my God!!"
Tom: "You want fantasy, I give you fantasy."
Lynette: "Oh!"
Tom: "Come to me woman. Prepare to be boarded."
Lynette laughs delightedly. Tom makes a beeline for the bed.
Tom: "Please, will you make it fast, these things are just chaffing.
Lynette: "Ah. I, uh, I kinda like it."
Tom: "Kill the lights."
Lynette: "No."
Tom: "Please"
Lynette: "I’m not turning off the lights."
Tom: "Please."
Lynette: "No."
Tom: "Oh, please."
Lynette: "No, no, no."
She jumps on top of Tom and begins kissing him.
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Martha Huber's House, Nighttime
Felicia is sitting at her kitchen table having coffee. She glances at a stack of papers on the table beside her. There's a knock on the door.
Felicia: "It’s open. Oh, Paul, it’s you. I’m so glad. I have some papers I want you to look at."
Paul: "Where’s my son?"
Felicia: "Upstairs. Sleeping off those tranquilizers you gave him."
Paul: "I don’t know what you think you are doing but I’m taking my son and going."
Felicia: "I am not my sister, Paul, you do not want to screw with me. Martha kept a journal. Every drab event of her drab life meticulously documented. Including her discover that you and your wife stole a baby. A baby named Dana."
Paul picks up several sheets of the papes of Martha’s journal. Portions of the pages are highlighted.
Felicia: "I’m sorry if the copies are hard to read. I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution since you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?"
Paul sits down, looking over the papers.
Felicia: "Suit yourself. Now I have a little proposition for you."
Paul: "These are the fantasies of a bored lonely woman. They prove nothing."
Paul begins getting up. Felicia puts her hand on his arm and stops him.
Felicia: "The only reason the police haven’t caught you yet is because they have no reason to suspect you. But once they find out that Martha was blackmailing Angela, sorry, Mary Alice."
Paul: "What is it you want?"
Felicia: "The same thing you want. For you to leave town, change your name, and start your life over again somewhere far away from here."
Paul: "If you’re so sure of yourself, why don’t you just turn me in?"
Felicia: "Because Zach would never forgive me. And it’s important that we be on good terms, seeing as how he's gonna be living with me now."
Paul: "What?"
Felicia: "Your bags are packed. You’re about to become a fugitive. Is that the kind of life you want for your son? The two of you spending every night in a different town? No. You’re a better father than that."
Paul: "I can’t just leave him."
Felicia: "You stole him so that he could have a better life. That was a noble act, Paul. Truly. And it’s time for you to be noble again."
Paul: "Can I at least say goodbye?"
Felicia: "Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha?"
Paul turns to look at Felicia. He walks out of the house and slams the door. Felicia pulls up her right hand, which had been under the table. In her hand is a large kitchen knife. She heaves a sigh.
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Noah's House, Outside
Susan drives up to Kendra’s home. A security guard comes running up to Susan’s car.
Susan: "Oh, hi. Um, I’m looking for Kendra Taylor."
Security Guard: "I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to leave."
Susan: "Oh. Oh, you don’t understand."
Susan starts getting out of the car.
Susan: "See, I can't just drive away."
The security guard comes around to the driver’s side.
Security Guard: "Please, back in the car."
Susan gets out of the car and walks up to him. She looks at his nametag.
Susan: "Look, um, Bob. Let me try to explain."
Bob: "In the car."
Susan: "See, the thing is, this is maybe my last chance to find out if I can be with the man I love."
Bob: "Ma抋m."
She puts her hands on his shoulders.
Susan: "And, Bob, I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me. So I’m gonna walk up to that house and you’re gonna let me and you know why? Because behind that badge and that just big ou could crush me
like a fly' chest, there’s a heart. A heart that believes in love."
Bob slams Susan on the hood of her car with her hands behind her.
Bob: "Just get in the damn car!"
Susan: "It’s not my fault you don’t have love in your life."
Kendra walks up.
Kendra: "Susan?"
Susan: "Hi, Kendra."
She waves with her free hand.
Later, Susan, Kendra, and Noah are sitting on the porch. She has Mike’s file open on the table.
Susan: "And despite the evidence, despite all that's been laid out in front of me, I just can’t help thinking there’s more to the story. Does it sound stupid?"
Kendra: "No, no, of course not."
Noah: "Unfortunately, you’re got the whole story right here."
Noah pushes the file back to Susan. Kendra turns away and get up.
Susan: "But Mike’s lawyer pleaded self defense and if that’s the case-"
Noah: "Delfino sold black tar heroin to my daughter. He killed the cop that tried to bust him. Got convicted and did his time. End of story."
Kendra: "Dad."
Noah: "She deserves to hear the truth, however, awful. I’m sorry, Ms. Mayer. I really am."
Susan: "I, I appreciate you talking to me."
Susan grabs the file and walks away.
Kendra: "What the hell was that?"
Noah: "If she knew the truth she’d go running back to him. She might talk him out of doing his job. I can’t risk that. I just don’t have the time."
Noah kisses Kendra’s forehead and walks into the house. Susan gets into her car. She tosses her purse and the file onto the floor. She starts the engine. Kendra runs up and gets into the passenger seat.
Kendra: "Quick, drive around the corner. We need to talk."
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Bree's House
Rex and Bree are sitting in their living room. Rex is doing a crossword puzzle and Bree is knitting.
Bree: "What do you think, Rex? I chose green so that it will work whether Gabrielle has a boy or a girl."
Rex (distracted): "That’s great."
Bree: "What’s the matter. You’re been mopey all day."
Rex: "I’m sorry. I’m just worried about the test results. If I don’t find out what’s wrong with me soon, I’m gonna lose my mind."
Bree: "Oh, honey."
Rex: "You must get tired of hearing me complain."
Bree: "No, no not at all. I think we should talk about it. In fact, I think, maybe, we don’t talk enough."
Rex: "I guess."
Bree: "Why don’t we start doing things together again, as a couple."
Rex: "Mm hmm."
Bree: "I think that as soon as you’re well enough we should go on a vacation. Take a trip, go somewhere fun. Remember our trip to Italy?"
Rex: "Yeah, sort of."
Bree: "Sort of? You don’t remember the glorious food and the gorgeous scenery and -"
Rex: "What I remember is sweating like a pig and wishing we hadn’t spent all our savings. So, where would you like to go?"
Bree: "It doesn’t matter. You decide."
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Susan's Car
Kendra: "Mike wasn’t a drug dealer."
Susan: "What?"
Kendra: "Deirdre was. Mike, he, he kicked the habit early on, but Deirdre couldn’t, or didn’t want to. I don’t know. Anyway, she spiraled out of control and was in and out of jail. One day, an undercover cop caught her using and he forced her to trade sex for freedom. Look, Mike found out about it and he tried to put a stop to it. He busted in on the two of them. He, the cop pulled a gun on him and Mike fought him off but they both went over the balcony. Mike was the only one that got back up."
Susan: "It was self defense?"
Kendra: "Yeah."
Susan begins to cry.
Kendra: "Mike went to jail trying to save my sister. But he couldn’t."
Susan: "I knew he was good. I just knew it. Thank you."
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Jewelry Shop
A jeweler opens a ring box. Sophie puts on the ring and hugs Morty.
"The vow is simple, really. Those who take it promise to stay together
for better or for worse."
The jeweler hands Morty the bill.
"For richer or for poorer."
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Doctor's Office
"In sickness and in health."
Bree stands beside Rex in a hospital examing room.
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Lynette's House, Outside
"To honor and to cherish."
Tom and Lynette share a passionate goodbye kiss before Tom goes off to
work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle's House, Outside
"Forsaking all others."
Carlos and Gabrielle hug each other on their front porch. Gabrielle
catches John's eye as he mows the lawn across the street. She kisses
Carlos.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul's House
"Until death do us part."
Paul looks at a wedding photo of himself with Mary Alice, then places it in a suitcase.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike's House, Outside
"Yes, the vow is simple."
Mike is walking from his car to his house. Susan is running across the street toward him. She runs up to him and begins talking.
"Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part."
Susan grabs Mike and kisses him. Mike wraps his arms around Susan and returns the kiss.
"But if we can, that’s when we begin to live happily ever after."
~ The End ~
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Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.22 - Goodbye For Now
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"George Williams" - Roger Bart
"Annabel Foster" - Melinda McGraw
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Josh Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"Dr. Craig" - Terry Bozeman
"Jim Peterson" - Edward Edwards
"Natalie Klein - Nike Doukas
"Betty Applewhite - Alfre Woodard
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Policeman #1" - Scott Atkinson
"Policeman #2" - Richard Jenik
"Cyrus" - Paul Parducci
"Man in Truck" - Jimmy Palumbo
"Woman in Truck" - Patrice Walters
"Mr. Mullins" - Cheyenne Wilbur
"Mrs. Mullins" - Geraldine Singer
Written by: Josh Senter
Directed by: David Grossman
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Edie Britt sits in her car at the construction site. She checks her appearance in the rearview mirror, then gets out of the car.
"Edie Britt’s favorite moment of every day was her arrival at the construction site of her new home, because she knew what was about to happen. Her sudden appearance was always sure to generate a few appreciative glances, a few lascivious looks, and some downright ogling. Sadly for Edie, the one man she wanted most to notice her..."
Edie looks across the street to where Mike Delfino is bringing in the newspaper. She smiles and raises her hand in greeting, but he doesn't notice her.
"...paid her no attention at all. Yes, Edie needed attention to feel good about herself and she was determined to get it."
A construction worker walks over to her.
Cyrus: "Ms. Britt, you look extra beautiful today."
Edie: "Oh, Cyrus, you’re so sweet."
Cyrus: "So anyhow, I, I was wondering if maybe I could, uh, take you out to dinner sometime."
Edie: "Oh honey, you are so far out of your league that you are playing a completely different sport."
She takes a box of doughnuts from the top of his car and walks across the street, where she knocks on Mike's door. Mike answers.
Edie: "Hey, there."
Mike: "Hi Edie. What’s up?"
Edie: "Nice ensemble, you busy?"
Mike: "No, not really."
Edie: "Oh good, I bought a bunch of fresh doughnuts for my construction workers and as you can see, I bought a few too many, so I thought maybe you and I could -"
Susan appears at the doorway, next to Mike.
Edie: "Susan!"
Susan: "Hey there Edie."
Edie: "What are you -"
Susan: "Mike and I got back together."
Edie: "Super."
Susan: "I knew you’re be happy for us. So what’s going on?"
Mike: "Uh, Edie was just about to -"
Edie: "Free doughnuts. Want em?or not?"
Susan: "How sweet, thanks. Why don’t you go put these on a plate? Oh, and save me one with sprinkles."
Mike goes into the kitchen.
Susan: "I cannot believe you are still coming onto him."
Edie: "You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer."
Susan: "And that was your cue to come over and flirt? You wasted your time and your doughnuts."
Edie: "Not if you choke on them."
Mike: "Well, thanks Edie. The doughnuts look great."
Edie: "Pleasure. See ya."
Susan: "You know, I’m gonna run home and get some milk to go with those doughnuts."
Mike: "Hey, you know it’s, it's a shame you got to keep running back and forth."
Susan: "Well, I can’t have doughnuts and juice. It’s unnatural."
Mike: "No, I mean we should move in together. Come on, what do you say?"
Susan: "Um, I say, oh! Hold that thought. Edie, Edie stop! Stop! Hang on."
Edie: "What now?"
Susan: "Oh, I was just rude back there gloating and everything and I apologize."
Edie: "Well, thank you, Susan. Very big of you."
Susan: "And on a completely unrelated topic, Mike and I are moving in together. See ya."
She runs back to Mike.
"Yes, Edie Britt needed the attention of men to feel good about herself."
Edie pulls up in her car to the construction site.
Edie: "Hey, Cyrus. You have lunch plans?"
Cyrus: "No."
"And even she was amazed at how far she was willing to go to get it."
Edie: "Ellsberg Hotel. Half an hour. Welcome to the majors."
She drives off.
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Wisteria Lane, Outside
"Mr. And Mrs. Edward Mullins were finally leaving Wisteria Lane. In the past year their street had played host to arson, violence, blackmail, and murder. Fearing they too would be infected by this moral decay, the Mullins felt it was time to say goodbye. Strangely enough none of their neighbors seemed to notice they were moving out."
The Mullins get into their packed car and drive off.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle comes out of her house to where Justin is mowing the front lawn.
Gabrielle: "Hey, I thought you might be thirsty."
Justin: "No, I’m good."
Gabrielle: "So, how’s your roommate doing?"
Justin: "He’s hanging in there."
Gabrielle: "Well, uh, I had to, um, tell him some news that was a little bit upsetting for him."
Justin: "No kidding."
Gabrielle: "Excuse me?"
Justin: "Where do you get off telling John he’s not good enough to raise a child? That kid can be his."
Gabrielle: "It is a complicated situation."
Justin: "It seems pretty simple to me. You’re an unfeeling bitch."
From inside the house, Carlos looks out of the window and sees Gabrielle slap Justin across the face. Gabrielle storms inside and heads up the stairs.
Carlos: "Why’re you hit the lawn boy?"
Gabrielle: "Well if you saw what he did to our progenies you’re slap him too."
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Peterson Advertising
Lynette walks into Tom's workplace, carrying a large cake with the words "Welcome Back Duggan!" written on it. She walks into the office that Tom and Annabel share.
Lynette: "Hey."
Tom: "Hey Lynette what are you doing here? What’s this?"
Lynette: "You told me Duggan’s coming back to work today, I thought I’ve do something special for him."
Tom: "Uh huh, and this wouldn’t have anything to do with you checking up on me and Annabel?"
Lynette: "What?"
Tom: "Yesterday you brought my pictures of the kids. The day before that you brought me soup. Lynette, honey, it's gotta stop."
Lynette: "Tom, I don’t care about you working with Annabel. I told you that. This is for Duggan. He had a heart attack. I don’t care about Annabel."
Annabel walks past them to leave the room.
Annabel: "Hey, Lynette."
Lynette: "Huh. Speak of the devil. And I mean that."
Carrying the cake, Lynette leaves and follows Annabel into the office kitchen.
Annabel: "Well, you’re becoming a regular fixture around here, aren’t ya?"
Lynette: "Oh, yeah. I wanted to do something nice for Duggan."
Annabel: "I suppose filling his blood stream with butter fat might be considered nice."
Lynette: "Actually, it’s fruit juice sweetened. Can I cut you? A piece?"
From outside of the kitchen, a man's voice is heard.
Man: "Everyone, I need to see you right now."
Inside a conference room, a grey-haired man, Dan, speaks to the employees standing around the room.
Dan: "Okay listen up. I just spoke with Tim Duggan’s wife and it looks like he’s not gonna be returning to work after all. Seems that he had a relapse last night which unfortunately puts us in a very tight spot. We’re gonna work together as a team and do what we need to do, so Jerry you're taking the Holister account, Suzanne, you're covering Paradise Springs, and Annabel, I want you to take the lead on the Traveler’s hotel chain. You’re leaving for Hawaii in three days."
Annabel: "I can’t handle Traveler’s by myself, especially not if they're moving into the print."
Dan: "Well, choose someone to take with you."
Annabel: "Oh, okay. Um, I choose Tom."
Lynette, holding the knife that she used to cut the cake, steps forward and Tom automatically puts his hand out to stop her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mini-Golf World
Bree and George play miniature golf together.
Bree: "Well, let’s see I’re beaten you to bridge, and mahjong and hearts. This is your last chance to redeem yourself."
George: "Stop it. You’re gonna make me laugh."
As George lines up his shot, Bree, standing behind him, walks her fingers over his back. He turns to look at her.
Bree: "Okay, okay, I’ll be good."
She walks around to his side and whispers in his ear.
Bree: "Miss it, miss it, miss it."
George: "Bree."
Bree: "Come on, I'm allowed to psych you out."
She walks a little bit away and suddenly George gets a worried look on his face. He turns his feet in and hunches over, not moving.
Bree: "Okay, time’s up. Take your best shot."
George: "I’m not ready yet."
Bree: "Hurry up. There're people waiting."
George: "One more minute."
Bree: "Come on, take your best -"
She reaches out and swipes gently at his arm. He pulls his arm away, still hunched over.
George: "Don’t do that."
Bree: "George, do you have an erection?"
George: "I’m sorry."
Bree: "What on earth?"
George: "You were blowing on my ear."
Bree: "I was teasing you."
George: "Exactly."
Bree: "You have got to get rid of it. There are children present."
George: "How?"
Bree: "I don’t know. Um, um think of something unpleasant."
George: "Like what?"
Bree: "Like famine, or disease, or hobos. Whatever. Just hurry."
Later, they walk away from the golf course.
George: "Look, you can’t be mad about it. It’s not something men can control."
Bree: "I kept this friendship going because I though Rex’s dislike of you was paranoid, but you had feelings for me all along. God, this is just such a betrayal."
George: "Come on, Bree. The only thing I am guilty of is loving you in silence."
Bree: "Well you shouldn’t be doing that. In case you’re forgotten I’m married."
George: "To a selfish, two-faced liar who betrayed you with a hooker."
Bree: "I told you in confidence. How dare you throw it back in my face."
George: "So, you’re ending our friendship, after everything I’ve done for you?"
Bree: "What is that supposed to mean?"
George: "Nothing. It didn’t mean anything."
Bree: "George, I do love you as a friend. I wish you could love me the same way back, but since you can’t, goodbye."
She walks off.
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Edie's House
"Later that day, Edie Britt witnessed something disturbing."
Edie looks out of her window and sees Mike, carrying a moving box, kissing Susan.
"Something she was determined to put a stop to."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lynette's House
Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle sit around the table, preparing for poker.
Edie comes in from the living room.
Gabrielle: "So is Susan coming?"
Lynette: "She said she might be a little late. They already started moving a few of Mike’s things over to her house."
Bree: "Already? Wow, good for her."
Lynette: "Yeah, it’s nice to see Susan so happy again."
Edie: "Yeah, I’m happy for Susan. But don’t you think she and Mike are moving a little fast? I mean two days ago, she was thinking he was a murderer and now she’s moving in with him?"
Gabrielle: "She found out it was in self-defense. I think they’re cleared everything up."
Bree: "Yeah good point."
Lynette: "Mike's a decent guy."
Edie: "Yeah, that’s true. Of course there was the gun shot wound."
Lynette: "That’s right. Did they ever explain that?"
Bree: "No, and I know guns and that wound was not self-inflicted."
Edie: "And then what about Mrs. Huber’s blood-stained jewelry?"
Lynette: "Yeah, that didn’t walk into Mike’s garage by itself."
Gabrielle: "Maybe this is a mistake. If there’s one thing I’re learned men can’t be trusted."
Edie: "Hold it. Are you saying that we should put a stop to this?"
Bree: "Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to sit her down and share our concerns."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, we could do that."
Lynette: "Yeah."
Bree: "Edie, do you want to be a part of it?"
Edie: "Well normally, I’re prefer not to get involved, but if there’s anyway that I could help Susan..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Susan's Garage
Susan comes out to take a box from Mike, who's truck is parked on her driveway.
Susan: "We need to talk."
Mike: "Okay."
Susan: "When I was packing up your stuff in your bedroom, I found a box of bullets."
Mike: "Oh."
Susan: "Look, I feel really bad about Deirdre, and I know that you must want to find out who killed her, but if we’re gonna move in together, we can’t have this stuff hanging over us. You've gotta get rid of it. All of it: the file, the map, the gun, especially the gun and leave this to the police. They’re the professionals."
Mike: "Well, what can I say? It seems like a reasonable request."
Susan: "Oh. Really? Well, that was easy. Maybe after lunch we can talk about your leather bean bag chair."
Mike smiles and as Susan walks back in, he looks down the street. He sees Paul get out of his car, leave a box filled with items on a Martha Huber's doorstep, then get back in his car and drive away.
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Martha Huber's House
Zach and Felicia sit at the kitchen table. The box from Paul is sitting on the table and Paul is reading from a note.
Zach: "I realize now that I’ve treated you badly. I’m the one who needs to get help not you, so I have to go away for a while, in the meantime Mrs. Tilman will look out for you."
Felicia: "I don’t consider it a burden. You know you’re welcome here."
Zach: "I left you some things, I hope you can take comfort in them. I got you a new mitt. Work on your curve ball while I’m gone. I love you. Dad. Well, I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t he come see me? Why just run away?"
Felicia: "Your father’s been very troubled, dear. I’m sure he did what he felt was best for you."
Zach: "And he wants me to take comfort in this junk? I hate baseball. You think he would know that."
Felicia: "Zach."
Zach runs away from the room. Felicia picks up a photo of Mary Alice that Zach knocked down. She begins cleaning up the rest of the items he knocked to the floor. She picks up the baseball mitt and after a second, she slips her hand into the mitt. She pulls out a note hidden in the mitt. It reads: "Zach, I didn’t leave you. Meet me at the baseball field - Thursday at midnight. Dad"
Felicia crumples the note in her hand.
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Bree's House, Nighttime
Gabrielle looks out the window.
Gabrielle: "Susan’s coming."
Edie: "Okay guys. Interventions are never pretty, so stay strong cause she’s probably gonna cry."
The doorbell rings. Bree goes to answer it while Edie, Gabrielle, and Lynette line up near the couch.
Susan: "Bonjour. Oh hi, I didn’t know that the cooking lesson was gonna be a group activity. Well, the more the merrier, right? As long as nobody makes fun of my lousy crepes. How come I’m the only one wearing the apron?"
Later, all five women sit around the table, with coffee cups in front of them.
Lynette: "I know it seems like we’re ganging up on you, but you’re moving so fast we thought a sort of intervention was necessary."
Edie: "I know it’s tough to hear. None of us wanted to do this."
Susan: "I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, I really do. Um, I‘m not gonna change my mind. In my life, I’re been hurt a lot, Karl, and uh, well it’s just taught me to be cynical, and to expect the absolute worst from people, and I don’t want to live like that anymore, and when Mike asked me to move in with him, I was just happy, just ridiculously happy. I mean, I still am and I want to go with that feeling. I love him and I love him! So I’m gonna expect the best from Mike, and I know that he is gonna deliver that in return. Okay?"
Bree, Lynette, and Gabrielle lean to her and give her assurances.
Edie: "This is the worst intervention I have ever been to."
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Restaurant
Baby Penny sits in a high chair while Lynette has lunch with Natalie.
Natalie: "This is fun. It’s forever since we had lunch."
Lynette: "Well, as happy as I am to see you, I actually have an agenda. I ran into someone last week who said you guys were looking to hire. Is that true?"
Natalie: "Yeah. Are you thinking of coming back? Because say the word -"
Lynette: "No, no, not me. I was actually thinking more about Tom."
Natalie: "Oh, Tom?"
Lynette: "Yeah, he’s been thinking about making a move for a while. He kind of feels like he’s done everything he can where he is now."
Natalie: "Huh. Well Tom's certainly solid."
Lynette: "He’s more then solid, Tom’s ideas are spectacular. He’s passionate about his work. His visual instincts are off the chart."
Natalie: "Is he as good as you?"
Lynette: "He’s apples, I’m oranges, we excel in different areas. Trust me, you should give Tom a look."
Natalie: "I don’t need apples. I need someone like you. Cut throat. Ruthless."
Lynette: "Geez, Nat, you make me feel like some kind of shark. Ah, okay. You know, actually, if that’s the kind of exec you’re looking for..."
Natalie: "You’re get a shark for me?"
Lynette: "Yes, a very pretty shark."
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Bree's House, Outside
Bree gets into her car and drives off. Down the street, George watches. Once the car has driven away, he gets out and goes up to Bree's house.
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Bree's House, Inside
George spills out Rex's prescription bottle. He fills it up with pills that he brought with him. In their bedroom, George opens up various dresser drawers. He comes to Bree's underwear drawer and stops, staring at the panties lying neatly in there.
He lays down some pantyhose on the bed and when he pulls away, he takes out a digital camera, taking a picture of a bra, underwear, and pantyhose lying on the bed in the approximate positions they'd be on a woman. George opens up their closet, pushing aside clothing. He kneels down and sees a box. He opens it and begins pulling out various sexual toys: handcuffs, a riding whip, fuzzy handcuffs, and leather clothing.
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Doctor's Office
Rex sits on the examining table, buttoning his shirt. Bree sits in a chair off to the side.
Doctor: "So, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m gonna see if Dr. Morrison at the Lipstone Clinic in come in and consult."
Rex: "You’re wanna bring someone else in?"
Doctor: "Your body isn’t responding to the medication the way itshould, and the tests we’re run have all come back negative, so I, I just want to be on the safe side."
His pager goes off.
Doctor: "Excuse me. I need to take this."He leaves the room.
Bree: "I don’t know why, but I have this overwhelming feeling that you‘re gonna be just fine. I really do."
Rex: "Lee Craig has the biggest ego of any doctor I know. If he wants to consult with someone, that means he’s stumped, which means I’m screwed."
Bree: "Don’t say that."
Rex: "Dammit, Bree, do you understand what’s going on here? I could die."
Bree: "So could I."
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "I could walk across a street tomorrow and be hit by a car."
Rex: "What in god’s name is your point?"
Bree: "All I’m saying is that we’re both gonna die eventually, and in the time that we have left, whether it’s two days or two decades, I think that we should be nice to each other."
Rex: "You’re right."
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Martha Huber's House
The doorbell rings. Felicia opens the door to find Mike standing there.
Mike: "Um, Mrs. Tilman. Paul Young’s been missing the last couple of days have you seen him?"
Felicia: "Why ask me?"
Mike: "Well, I saw him leave a box on the door step and I've also seen Zach over here."
Felicia: "If I did know where Mr. Young was, why would I tell you?"
Mike: "Look, um, the police think I killed your sister, and I’m sure you do too, but I swear to you I had nothing to do with it."
Felicia: "And you think Paul Young did?"
Mike: "Well, no, that’s not what I’m saying."
Felicia: "You've got to admit, it’s a neat theory. Care for a snack?"
She walks away from the door, leaving it open. Mike stares after her, then follows.
Later, Mike sits at the kitchen table, reading through a journal while Felicia sets down a teapot with cups, then sits down, herself.
Felicia: "Okay so it’s not such a stretch, the wonder if Paul avenged his wife’s death by killing Martha for blackmailing them. But perhaps I‘m alone in that."
Mike: "You’re not."
Felicia: "Aren’t you sweet? Tea?"
Mike: "Thanks. Do these journals say anything about why your sister was blackmailing the Youngs?"
Felicia: "Not specifically, but I got the definite impression that it involved a murder. Now here you are saying your friend was murdered."
Mike: "Any reason you haven't showed these to the police?"
Felicia: "Are you in favor of the death penalty?"
Mike: "Um, yeah."
Felicia: "So am I. We had it in Utah. Not in this state, though. A shame, don’t you agree?"
Mike: "Yeah, I do."
Felicia: "I like you so much, Mr. Delfino."
Mike: "You know where Paul Young is?"
Felicia: "I’m afraid not, but I know where he’ll be on Thursday night."
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Gabrielle's House, Outside
"That afternoon after retrieving her mail, Gabrielle was surprised to finally learn the truth behind her pregnancy."
Gabrielle opens up a letter.
"Very surprised."
The rest of the mail drops out of her hands and lands on the ground.
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Gabrielle's House, Inside
Carlos: "Hey babe, you want to go online and check out schools? What’s going on?"
Gabrielle: "I just want to say goodbye, because I’m leaving you."
Carlos: "What?"
Gabrielle: "You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone ordered a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn’t cover drugs bought by the kilo."
Carlos: "I told you, it was mamá."
Gabrielle: "The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when this claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to own up to it. She would’ve been."
She storms out of the house and is halfway across the lawn when Carlos catches up to her and grabs her arm.
Carlos: "Stop."
Gabrielle: "Ah, ah, ah pregnant, cave man, remember?"
Carlos: "Where are you going?"
Gabrielle: "Away."
Carlos: "I’m going to jail. I’ll be gone tomorrow."
Gabrielle: "I know. That’s why I only packed one bag."
She starts to drive off in her car.
Carlos: "What about the baby Gabrielle, huh? What about my baby?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, your baby?"
Carlos: "Fine. Our baby. Hey, we’re a family now. This baby needs its mother and its father."
Gabrielle: "Oh Carlos. Whoever said you were the father?"
She drives off. Edie drives up and gets out of her car, holding a "Sold" sign.
Edie: "Hey."
Carlos begins walking quickly to her car. His ankle bracelet begins beeping.
Carlos: "Hey."
Edie: "Hey, what the hell are you doing?"
Carlos gets into her car and she quickly grabs her purse from the passenger's seat. Carlos drives off.
Edie: "Damn felon!"
Gabrielle and Carlos both drive.
In a parked police car, two cops sit. They get a call over the speaker from dispatch.
Speaker: "All units code D-1630 suspect is a violation of house arrest.
Currently headed west on Park Boulevard."
Policeman: "Um, this is unit fourteen we’re on our way. Looks like the feds have a runner."
Policeman #2: "Lets go."
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John and Justin's Apartment, Inside
Justin, in a robe, starts to take a bite of a sandwich, but is interrupted by a knock on the door. He answers it and finds Gabrielle there.
Gabrielle: "Is John here?"
Justin: "If I say no, are you gonna slap me again? He’s working. Why?"
Gabrielle: "I just left my husband."
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John and Justin's Apartment, Outside
Carlos pulls up across the street from where Gabrielle's car is parked. He sees Gabrielle and Justin come out of the building and he slouches down so they can't see him. Gabrielle and Justin hug. Gabrielle walks to her car.
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John and Justin's Apartment, Inside
Justin starts to take a bite of his sandwich, but again is interrupted by a knock on the door.
Justin: "Hang on."
He opens the door and finds Carlos there. Carlos punches him and as Justin falls to the floor, Carlos begins kicking him.
Carlos: "Think just because you mow my lawn you can bang my wife?"
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John and Justin's Apartment, Outside
The policecar pulls up to where Carlos's car is parked. The cops get out and run towards the apartment.
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John and Justin's Apartment, Inside
Carlos is still kicking Justin when the police rush in and grab Carlos.
Police: "Hey, hey, hey, get off."
They slam him against the wall.
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Peterson Advertising
Tom comes out of his office. He sees in Dan's office that Annabel is shaking Dan's hand and seems very happy. She leaves, smiling.
Tom: "Hey, what’s going on?"
Annabel: "Oh Tom, I have had the craziest day. This morning the guys from Mitchell and Currents called me in. They offered me a job."
Tom: "Well, are you gonna take it?"
Annabel: "Well, I told Peterson about it and they just upped their offer. He just made me vice president."
Tom: "Of what?"
Annabel: "Tom! The firm. He gave me Duggan’s old job. Isn’t that wild? I have to go tell Scotty. I’ll see you later."
Dan: "Oh Tom, I was just coming to find you."
Tom: "What the hell, Dan? I mean what the hell? You promoted Annabel over me?"
Dan: "She got another job offer. I couldn’t afford to lose her, not now."
Tom: "Well, guess what, you lose me, 'cause I quit."
Dan: "Tom, don’t overreact."
Tom: "No, the first time you pass me by, I took it like a good soldier, but since Duggan’s heart attack, I have already been doing the job, I’ve already been doing it, then you just hand it to Annabel?"
Dan: "Okay, you made your point."
Tom: "No, you make crappy decisions on a daily basis, Dan, I got to tell you, but this one this is the stupidest."
Dan: "Hey, watch yourself."
Tom: "You have been running this company in the ground since you got here. The way I see it, I’m getting out easy."
Dan: "All right, Scavo, you want to know why I gave that promotion to Annabel? Why she got the knot instead of you? It was Lynette."
Tom: "What?"
Dan: "She went to my wife and begged her to get me to kill your promotion. She said that if you start traveling more, it’s gonna hurt your family."
Tom: "She did that?"
Dan: "Now I feel like a chump for trying to help you guys out. I guess it was another one of my crappy decisions. Have your desk cleaned out by tonight."
Dan leaves.
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John and Justin's Apartment
Two EMT men lift up a gurney that has Justin on it. Carlos, with his hands handcuffed behind him, sits on the couch.
Policeman: "You want to tell us what you have against this kid?"
Carlos: "It’s between him and me and my wife."
Policeman: "Is that what this is about? You’re doing his wife?"
Justin: "No. I’m gay."
Policeman: "You’re gay?"
Carlos: "What?"
Justin: "I’m gay."
Carlos: "This is not happening again."
Policeman #2: "What do you mean again?"
Carlos: "I want a lawyer."
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Supermarket
Bree is grocery shopping. George, also grocery shopping, comes down her aisle.
Bree: "George. Hi. What are you doing here?"
George: "I’m shopping, obviously."
Bree: "Why are you shopping here? You live on the other side of town."
George: "My friend had an operation. I’m buying her some things."
Bree: "Oh, well, that’s very nice of you."
George: "Wait, Bree, I have to tell you something."
Bree: "Well?"
George: "You need to tell Rex to be more discreet when it comes to discussing your love life."
Bree: "I’m sorry?"
George: "I don’t want to say anything more. You just really need to tell him that."
Bree: "Wait a minute. What in the world are you talking about?"
George: "I was at the hospital, visiting my friend who had had this operation, and I overheard two doctors talking about Rex’s fondness for S and M."
Bree: "You heard that?"
George: "Apparently he told them he has a box of toys? And gets you to do very inappropriate things."
Bree: "I see."
George: "Bree, this is clearly none of my business and I would’ve never brought this up, but to hear those two men laughing about you, I just thought you should know."
Bree: "Well, thank you for telling me, but I think, um, I’ve got to go."
She leaves. George walks over to her abandoned grocery cart and pops a grape into his mouth.
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Mike's House, Outside
Mike pulls his truck into his driveway. Susan comes out of the house.
Mike: "Hey, I got some more boxes."
Susan gives him a long kiss.
Mike: "That’s your answer for everything these days."
Susan: "So, what do you think we should do for dinner?"
Mike: "Oh, I, uh, can’t. I just got an emergency phone call. Busted water main."
Susan: "Okay, I’ll keep it warm for you."
Mike: "I’m afraid I'm gonna be too late for dinner."
Susan: "I wasn’t talking about dinner."
Mike brings some boxes into the house and Susan opens up the car door to remove some unfolded boxes in the backseat. She finds the journal that Mike had been reading, while having tea with Felicia.
Mike: "Need some help?"
Susan: "No, no, I got it. Um, I got it. So, if you've got a plumbing emergency shouldn’t you get going?"
Mike: "Um, they’re already got somebody on it. I’m just a part of the relief crew."
Susan: "Well, I'll just get back to work."
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Mike's House, Outside, Nighttime
Susan and Julie sit in their car, across the street from Mike's house.
Julie: "Mom, stalking? Are we really doing this? You just made such a huge deal to your friends about how much you trust him now."
Susan: "Well, that’s before I found Mrs. Huber’s journal in his truck."
Julie: "So, what’s in it?"
Susan: "It’s not about what’s in it, it’s about the fact that he had it at all. I would bet you anything he is not going on a plumbing job and we’re gonna find out."
Julie: "Mom, if you don’t trust him, why are you moving in with him?"
Susan: "I don’t have time to explain adult relationships to you. Oh duck down."
Later, they drive.
Julie: "I think you lost him."
Susan: "He’s six cars up. We have to stay this far back or he’ll see us."
Julie: "Okay great, but we can’t see him either. I got to tell you, mom, you’re not great at this."
Susan: "Oh yeah? When your father was cheating on me I used to follow him all the time. I know my stuff. There he is."
Julie: "What’s Mike doing? Who's that he’s pulling up to?"
Susan: "I don’t know, but I’m gonna find out. Wait here and lock the doors."
She leaves and walks up to the SUV. She pulls open the door.
Susan: "All right what the hell are you up to?"
Inside the car is a man with a woman, both half undressed. They turn to stare at her.
Susan: "Oh my god, wow, um, okay oh, wow um, bye."
Woman in Truck: "Was that your wife?"
Man in Truck: "If that was my wife, you think I’re be here with you?"
Susan gets back in the car with Julie.
Julie: "It wasn’t Mike, was it?"
Susan: "No, no it wasn’t."
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Prison
In a visiting room, Gabrielle looks at a drawing of Carlos. She lowers the drawing and looks at Carlos, sitting across the table from her in an orange prison jumpsuit.
Gabrielle: "They’re charging you with a hate crime?"
Carlos: "You remember when our cable guy was beaten up? That was me. I thought you were cheating with him."
Gabrielle: "With our gay cable guy?"
Carlos: "I didn’t know he was gay. I didn’t know Justin was either. Now the cops think I’m some kind of serial gay basher."
Gabrielle: "Well you sort of are."
Carlos: "Well you provoked me. You were pretending to have an affair just to punish me."
Gabrielle: "Well, obviously."
Carlos: "So now, I need you to lie again. I need you to tell the cops you were having an affair and that I just beat up the wrong guy. Guys."
Gabrielle: "I am not lying for you, Carlos."
Carlos: "Gabby, if this charge sticks, I get sent away for eight years."
Gabrielle: "Am I supposed to be impressed? Because of your little stunt with my birth control pills, I’re lost my freedom for the next eighteen years."
Carlos: "Gabby please don’t do this. Gabby, don’t walk away. Gabby!"
Gabrielle leaves.
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Susan's Car
Susan and Julie drive back home.
Susan: "Okay next time I won’t bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend. It was a slight error in judgment. Honey, please don’t give me the silent treatment."
Julie: "I’m not. Did you say you read this?"
Susan: "Yeah, part of it. Why?"
Julie: "Mrs. Huber was blackmailing Zach’s mom."
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Baseball Field, Nighttime
Paul stands by the bleachers, alone. He looks at his watch, then hears a noise.
Paul: "Zach?"
He turns and is punched in the face by Mike.
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Bree's House
Rex lies in bed, sleeping. Slowly, he wakes up and sees Bree sitting by the window, looking out.
Rex: "What are you doing up?"
Bree: "Couldn’t sleep, so I was just sitting here thinking."
Rex: "About what?"
Bree: "You really want to know?"
Rex: "Bree, I’m not feeling too hot right now so just tell me. What’s up?"
Bree: "I was thinking that the biggest mistake of my entire life was agreeing to marry you."
Rex: "Let me guess. I’ve done something wrong."
Bree: "Forcing me to share in your depraved pastime wasn’t bad enough, you had to share my humiliation with your co-workers?"
Rex: "What?"
Bree: "Rex, everybody is talking about our sex life. Every sordid little detail right down to that box of perversions you keep in your closet."
Rex: "Bree, I, I never said anything to anyone. I swear to god."
Bree: "You’re a liar."
Rex: "Who told you this?"
Bree: "It doesn’t matter."
Rex: "It does matter because I never said anything."
Bree: "Well then how do people know because we both know that I wouldn‘t say anything."
Rex: "Why would I tell people about what we do in bed?"
Bree: "I don’t know Rex. Maybe you were bragging or maybe you just subconsciously wanted to hurt me. Well, congratulations, you did it. I am officially destroyed."
Rex: "I didn’t say anything."
Bree: "I don’t believe you."
Rex: "Oh, oh."
Bree: "Rex? What is it?"
Rex: "I think I’m having a heart attack."
Bree: "No, you’re not."
Rex: "Bree, you’re gonna have to take me to the hospital."
Bree: "Um, all right. You, uh, go downstairs and I will be, I'll be right there."
She hands him his robe and he leaves the room.
Later, Rex sits at the bottom of the stairs, leaning against the side of the rails, his eyes closed. Danielle comes down the stairs.
Danielle: "Daddy? What are you doing?"
Rex: "I’m waiting for your mother to take me to the emergency room."
Danielle: "What’s wrong?"
Rex: "I’m having a heart attack."
Danielle: "Oh my god. Where is she?"
Rex: "That’s a good question."
Danielle runs back upstairs and into Bree's bedroom, where Bree is calmly making the bed.
Danielle: "Daddy says he’s having a heart attack."
Bree: "I know. I’m gonna take him to the hospital."
Danielle: "Well when?"
Bree: "When I finish making the bed."
Danielle: "What?"
Bree: "I never leave the house with an unmade bed. You know that."
Danielle: "But daddy needs to go to the hospital."
Bree: "There. Now we can go."
She walks slowly past Danielle.
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Peterson Advertising, Nighttime
As a janitor mops the floors in the outer room, Tom puts his belongings into a box.
"Nothing is forever and the time comes when we all must say goodbye to the world we knew."
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Jail Cell
Carlos holds a picture of Gabrielle and himself, while sitting in his jail cell.
"Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted."
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Hospital
Lying on a gurney, Rex is wheeled away. Standing by a nurses station, Bree watches him go.
"Goodbye to those we though would never abandon us."
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Outside
A moving van pulls up to the Mullins' old house.
"And when these changes finally do occur, when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place, all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome."
A teenager gets out of the driver's side and goes around the van to the passenger side, where he opens the door. A woman steps out and the two of them look at the house, then walk up to the front door.
~ The End ~
Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.23 - One Wonderful Day
Guest stars
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Karl Mayer" - Richard Burgi
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Deirdre" - Jolie Jenkins
"Dr. Craig" - Terry Bozeman
"Justin" - Ryan Carnes
"The Cable Guy" - John Newton
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Betty Applewhite" - Alfre Woodard
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Judge" - Steve Tom
"Prosecutor" - Gregory Wagrowski
"4-year-old Zach" - Tanner Maguire
"Realtor" - William Dennis Hunt
"Cop" - Kevin E. West
"Nurse"- Shirley Jordan
"Box Boy" - Lee Whitaker
Written by: John Pardee, Joey Murphy, Marc Cherry, Tom Spezialy
Directed by: Larry Shaw
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Mary Alice’s House
On a table is a picture of Mary Alice, Bree, Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette hugging and smiling.
"My name is Mary Alice Young, and before I died, my life was filled with love, laughter, friendship, and, sadly, secrets."
Cut to Mary Alice exiting her front door, taking out the trash.
"The secrets had begun fifteen years earlier when my name was Angela Forrest, and I was living a life of quiet desperation."
Cut to Mary Alice serving breakfast to Paul, who is pouring orange juice while sitting at the dining room table.
"I'd feel it every morning as I made breakfast for my husband."
Paul: "If you could stop by the market today, that would be great. I'm out of shaving cream."
Cut to Mary Alice in the supermarket parking lot.
"And during the errands I ran in the afternoons."
With a supermarket apron on, a bag boy loads groceries into Mary Alice‘s car. She hands a tip to him.
Bag Boy: "So Friday's double coupon day. You'll save a bunch if you come on Fridays."
"Even at my work every evening."
Cut to Mary Alice at the hospital. She approaches the nurse’s station with a file folder. A younger Felicia Tilman is talking to a nurse who is looking at a calendar at the desk.
Nurse: "What a lovely calendar. Was this taken around here?"
Felicia: "Oh, no. That's way out in Fairview. I have family there. Isn't it idyllic?"
Mary Alice begins putting files away. Felicia hands her another file.
Felicia: "Here, Angela. You can file this."
Mary Alice: "Oh."
"To me, each day was gray and meaningless. And then one night, suddenly..."
Cut to Mary Alice taking out the trash. A young woman approaches in the dark, carrying a baby.
Deirdre: "Hey, Angela."
"There was color."
Mary Alice: "Deirdre. What are you doing here?"
Deirdre: "I need some money."
Later, Deirdre looks around Paul and Mary Alice's living room, holding her baby. Paul stands off to the side and Mary Alice brings a glass of water to Deirdre.
Mary Alice: "Deirdre, here."
The baby begins whimpering. Deirdre drinks the water quickly and hands the glass back to Mary Alice. She keeps her reddened eyes averted.
Mary Alice: "You're using again, aren't you?"
Deirdre: "No, I just, um, I just got to get some food for my baby and some other stuff."
Mary Alice: "Well, if the baby's hungry, we can go to the market and I'll buy food."
Deirdre: "I-I can shop for my own baby, okay?"
The baby begins to fret.
Deirdre: "Quiet! I can't think. See this watch? It's worth a lot. I'll give it to you for fifty bucks."
Paul: "She's not giving you money."
Deirdre: "Do you mind? Angela, you're the only one at rehab who treated me like a person. Okay, please, please don't stop now."
Mary Alice: "I'm sorry."
Mary Alice walks to the front door and opens it.
Deirdre: "I'll sell you my baby!"
Mary Alice: "What?"
Deirdre: "I heard you talking and I know you can't have your own. It's been killing you."
Paul: "It's time that you left."
Deirdre: "No, I, I'm thinking about Dana. You'll give him a good home. Okay? He'll be better off. Okay? Shh. Quiet. Quiet!"
Paul: "Honey!"
Mary Alice holds up her hand to silence Paul.
Deirdre: "How much money do you keep in the house? "
The baby continues to cry. Mary Alice slowly closes the front door.
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Clinic
Paramedics roll in a gurney carrying an unconscious Deirdre.
Felicia: "She has a ten-month-old baby. Where the hell is it?"
Policeman: "I don't know. If we'd seen a kid, we certainly wouldn't have left it sitting in the middle of a crack house."
Felicia: "If anything happens to that child, I will have your badge."
Mary Alice stands close by, listening to the conversation.
Policeman: "Just let me do my job, huh? We'll post an Officer at the junkie's bedside. If she wakes up, we'll let her tell us where she left her kid."
Deirdre's gurney is rolled out the room. Mary Alice's eyes focus on the calendar hanging at the nurse’s station. She looks at the picture of a group of houses in the town of Fairview.
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Mary Alice's House
A realtor comes out of the house, greeting Paul, Mary Alice, and young Dana.
Realtor: "I really do hope you folks will be happy here in Fairview.
Paul: "Thank you."
"And we were."
Mary Alice: "Wave bye, Zach. Wave bye-bye."
"We were as happy as any family could be."
Mary Alice and Paul smile at each other, then enter their new home.
"Until one night three years later..."
Hand knocking on the door late at night.
"When there was a knock at our door and I was desperate once again."
Mary Alice opens the front door. Deirdre is standing there.
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Wisteria Lane, Nighttime
"It was five o'clock in the morning on Wisteria Lane when the phone calls started."
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Susan's House
The telephone rings. Susan rolls over in bed to pick up the phone.
"Of course, each of them knew something was wrong from that first ring."
Susan: "Hello?"
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Lynette's House
The telephone rings.
"After all, it's one of the unwritten rules of suburbia..."
Lynette wakes and grabs the phone.
Lynette: "Hello?"
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Gabrielle's House
The telephone rings.
"...don't call the neighbors in the middle of the night..."
Telephone ringing. Gabrielle grabs the phone.
"...unless the news is bad."
Gabrielle: "Hello?"
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Hospital
"And so they came with their uncombed hair and their unmade faces. They came because after all these years..."
Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle exit the hospital elevator, walking quickly. They come to a waiting room where Bree is sitting there alone.
Susan: "Bree."
"They were no longer just neighbors."
Susan, Lynette ,and Gabrielle go Bree and sit with her.
Bree: "Hi. What are you doing here?"
Susan: "We heard Rex had a heart attack. How is he?"
Bree: "Um, he's stable, but, um, they have to put in a pacemaker, so they're gonna need to operate. How did you guys know?"
Gabrielle: "Danielle called."
Lynette: "So how are you doing?"
Bree: "We were having a fight when he had the heart attack, and I'm just feeling really guilty, because I should have gotten him here sooner and - "
Gabrielle: "Honey, the doctors here are great!"
Lynette: "Yeah, and he's so young, he's gonna bounce right back."
Susan: "I'm sure you have nothing to worry about."
Bree: "You know what? I am so happy that you guys came here, I really am, but I am trying really hard to be strong, so if you keep comforting me..."
Lynette: "You're gonna lose it?"
Bree: "Mm-hmm."
Gabrielle: "Then we won't comfort."
Bree: "Thank you."
Gabrielle: "We're just gonna talk about non-crisis things."
Susan: "Oh, I know. Uh, I found Mrs. Huber's journal in some of Mike's stuff, and I think she knew Mary Alice's secret and was blackmailing her."
Bree, Gabrielle and Lynette look at her.
Lynette: "Yep, that'll do it."
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Outside Felicia's House
Zach walks quickly out the front door, Felicia right behind him.
Felicia: "Zachary! Come back here, please."
Zach goes to his own house, slams the door and runs up the stairs. He is carrying a suitcase and heads up the stairs. Felicia enters after him.
Felicia: "Your father told you he would be gone for a while. He said you should let me look after you."
Zach: "I will be fine by myself. I am not a child."
Zach continues upstairs, goes to his room, and lays down on his bed.
Felicia enters.
Felicia: "I know you're not a child, but I think we should discuss this."
Felicia sits on the bed next to Zach.
Zach: "I'm fine, really."
Felicia: "Why should you fend for yourself when you can just come home
with me? Let me shoulder the burden. It would really be my pleasure-"
Felicia reaches to brush Zach’s hair back. Zach pushes her away and jumps up from the bed. Felicia jumps back.
Zach: "Stop! What kind of freak are you? Just leave me alone, all right? You are not my mother! I told you that I am fine. Now stop acting like my mother and go home."
Felicia: "I wish it were that easy, Zachary, for your sake, but it's not. Your father's not coming back."
Zach: "He said that he was."
Felicia: "He lied. I wanted to spare you this, but your father and I discussed it, and he decided that he shouldn't come back. Now, get your bag and let's go home. I'm gonna make you some pudding."
Felicia walks out of the room. She starts down the stairs and as she reaches the bottom, Zach runs after her, holding a hockey stick.
Zach: "What did you do to my dad?"
He swings the hockey stick at her.
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Outside Paul's House
From the Young's front lawn, the sounds of someone being struck over and over can be heard.
Zach: "Tell me!"
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Mrs. Applewhite's House
The new neighbor, Mrs. Applewhite, comes out onto the porch carrying a sewing basket. Edie approaches.
Edie: "Mrs. Applewhite?"
Mrs. Applewhite: "Yes?"
Edie: "Hi. I'm Edie Britt. The realtor that helped you buy this house?"
Mrs. Applewhite: "Oh, of course. Hi."
Edie: "Hi. I've been so curious to meet you."
Mrs. Applewhite: "Really? Why?"
Edie: "It's just that I've never sold a house over the phone before."
A young man comes out the front door and closes the door behind him.
Edie: "You were awfully brave, buying the place sight unseen."
Mrs. Applewhite: "Not really. We could tell from the advertisement it was just what we were looking for. This is my son Matthew."
Matthew approaches and reaches to shake Edie’s hand.
Matthew: "It's nice to meet you, ma'am."
Edie: "Please. Call me Edie. Ma'am's for middle-aged women."
Edie looks over a bush and points to Susan across the way who's putting trash in her trash can.
Edie: "...like her. You can call her ma'am anytime you want. So are you two finding everything okay? Because we didn't do our realtor's walk-through."
Mrs. Applewhite: "Everything is fine."
Edie: "Oh, honey. Escrow's closed. Now I can show you where to put the buckets when the rain comes."
Mrs. Applewhite: "Edie. The house is fine. But how lovely of you to stop by."
Edie: "Okay. Here is my card. Call anytime you want. Bye."
Matthew and his mother watch Edie walk to her car.
Matthew: "People are very friendly in this neighborhood."
Mrs. Applewhite: "Yes. Yes, they are."
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Susan's House
Susan paces while on the phone. She is holding Mrs. Huber’s journal.
Susan: "Mike, Hi, sweetie. I hope the job's going well. Um, so I hope you're not mad, but I found Mrs. Huber's journal in your truck, and, well, I couldn't exactly not read it, so I did, and, um, I know all about the blackmail, so call me. We'll talk. Love you. Bye."
Later, Susan is on the phone again.
Susan: "I haven't heard back, and I was getting a little concerned. The girls and I were talking, and, we think that maybe Paul Young killed Mrs. Huber, and if he did, then maybe he killed your old girlfriend, too, so we should really talk about this so call me. I love you. Bye."
Later, Susan is on the phone again.
Susan: "I thought the whole point of having a cell phone was so someone could reach you when they needed to talk. How can we move forward as a couple if you won't communicate with me? Mike, I need you to call me back! I mean it! Love you. Bye."
Later, Susan is on the phone again.
Susan: "I am so sorry for that last phone call. Um, let's just say it was the worry talking. I just really need to talk to you, and-"
There's a small chirping sound coming from the phone.
Susan: "Can you hang on? I got another call. Hello?"
Mike: "Hey, it's me."
Susan: "Oh, my God. Where have you been?"
Mike: "Uh, the reception's pretty lousy up here, but I got your messages."
Susan: "Well, I'm really sorry for that last message. I was just, uh..."
Mike: "Stressed out?"
Susan: "Yes. Let's call it stressed out. Uh, so how did you get Martha Huber's journal?"
Mike: "Oh, um, her sister, Mrs. Tilman, gave it to me. She was helping me with my search."
Susan: "I just really think we need to give it to the police."
Mike: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely."
Susan: "Really?"
Mike: "Sure. Yeah. As soon as I get through with this job, we'll make an appointment with that detective, what's his name, uh, Copeland."
Susan: "Great. That's great."
Mike: "All right, so I'll, uh, see you in a few hours."
Susan: "Okay. Hurry, though. I just have a feeling that Paul Young is in the middle of all of this."
Mike: "Well, let's not rush to judgment."
Mike hangs up. He’s in his truck and turns to look at the back seat, where Paul Young is tied up with tape over his mouth. Mike drives off into the mountains.
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Courtroom Waiting Room
Carlos is sitting in a chair wearing an orange jump suit with handcuffs on. Gabrielle enters carrying a suit.
Carlos: "What are you doing here?"
Gabrielle: "I'm here to testify for you, Carlos. Can you take those off?"
Policeman (unlocks Carlos' handcuffs): "Yes, ma'am."
Gabrielle: "There's no way I'm dressing him."
Carlos: "Gabby, thank god you're doing this. Beating up a second gay guy? It looks bad."
Gabrielle: "Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon."
Carlos: "So why'd you change your mind?"
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm about to be the mother of your child, which means a lot of responsibility and little time for myself. So if I'm gonna get you out of this mess, you have to reciprocate."
Carlos: "Okay."
Gabrielle: "When the baby cries in the middle of the night, you're gonna get up without saying one word. Doctors' appointments: you're driving. I'm not putting a car seat in my Maserati. And you will also be on bottle duty. That means washing, sterilizing, and filling. That way I'll have some semblance of a life, and then maybe I won't hate you so much."
Gabrielle tightens Carlos?tie. He winces. She fixes his collar.
Gabrielle: "All right, there we go. So we're good? See you in court."
Gabrielle begins walking out.
Carlos: "Hey, Gabby? Aren't we breast feeding?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, if you can swing that one, more power to you."
Gabrielle leaves the room.
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Pizza Place
Inside a children’s Pizza Parlor. Lynette and Parker enter, with Lynette pushing the stroller.
Parker: "Can I buy my own pizza?"
Lynette: "Uh, you can, honey, If you can pay for it."
Lynette hears cheering and yelling. She looks over to the game area and sees Tom playing air hockey with a bunch of kids.
Tom: "Yeah, that is nineteen, nineteen, nineteen-zip. Bring it."
Lynette: "Just stay here with Penny for a second, okay?"
Lynette walks into the game room and approaches Tom.
Lynette: "Tom?"
Tom: "Yes! In your face! That is twenty-zip game, out!"
Lynette: "Tom, what are you doing?"
Tom: "I'm playing air hockey. What's it look like? Kevin, you're up."
Lynette: "Well, it's the middle of the day, and shouldn't you be at work?"
Tom: "Mm, no. I quit."
Lynette: "You did not."
Tom: "Yes. Yesterday. I told Peterson he could stick it. Boom! You're not bringing it, Kevin! Bring it!"
Lynette: "Could you talk to me for a second? I don't understand."
Tom: "What? You asked Peterson's wife to make sure he wouldn't promote me. So he gives a huge promotion to Annabel, so I quit. What don't you understand?"
Lynette: "Okay. Okay. Could we go home and talk about this, please?"
Tom: "No, we can't. Serve it up, meat."
Lynette: "You're just gonna stay here and play games all day?"
Tom: "No, I'm gonna go and get some ice cream, and then I'm gonna go up to the lake, maybe rent a boat, do whatever it is I feel like -- God!"
Boy: "Gotcha!"
Lynette: "Tom."
Tom: "Go home, Lynette. Go home before I say something I regret. Go home."
Lynette walks away.
Tom: "All right, you. You score this next point, you get your bike back."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital Room
Bree is sitting beside Rex who is attached to various monitors. Rex opens his eyes and looks over at Bree.
Rex: "What are you thinking about?"
Bree: "Oh, I was just, um, thinking that I need to start, uh, spring cleaning."
Rex: "You haven't done that yet?"
Bree: "No, and I need to clean out our rain gutters, and, uh, beneath the refrigerator, and I can't tell you how long it's been since I've replaced the shelf liner, so..."
Rex: "Then you'll finish off with our wedding silver."
Bree: "How did you know that?"
Rex: "See, all those years, you didn't think I was paying attention. But I was."
Bree: "And do you know why I save it for last?"
Rex: "No."
Bree: "Because it makes me think of my Aunt Fern. On the day we got married, I told her how happy I was, and she told me that even during bad times to always remember that the best was yet to come. And so as I polish it, I think about you and the kids and our life and how right she was."
Rex: "They're gonna operate on me."
Bree: "I know."
Rex: "I wanna say some stuff just in case."
Bree: "Rex, you don't have to say anything."
Rex: "I'm sorry for everything I did. The moving out, the infidelity, the sex stuff..."
Bree: "It doesn't matter. From here on in, can we just say that we're even?"
Rex reaches for Bree’s hand. Bree clasps his hand.
Rex: "Okay."
Bree: "Thanks."
Bree sits on the bed next to Rex and tenderly touches his face.
Bree: "And for the record, you are gonna come through this operation just fine."
Rex: "How can you be so sure?"
Bree: "Because I told you: the best is yet to come."
Bree kisses Rex. She places her head on his chest and Rex puts his arm around her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside Susan's House
Susan, Julie, and Karl come out. Karl is holding Julie’s suitcase. Julie: "So I'll see you Sunday. Don't forget to feed Bongo."
Susan: "Oh, thanks. I'll go do that now."
Karl: "Go on in the car, sweetie. I have to talk to your mom real quick."
Julie gets into her father’s car.
Karl: "So you're gonna go live in sin with the plumber slash ex-con?"
Susan: "It's funny you should mention sin. I think adultery still falls in that category."
Karl: "I, I don't like the idea of this guy being around Julie twenty-four seven."
Susan: "He's a good person."
Julie: "Mike's cool, dad. He cares about us a lot, and I like having him around. So don't mess this up."
Susan: "You heard the girl."
Karl: "He's still a plumber."
Karl get into his car and drives away. Julie waves goodbye. Susan goes across the street to Mike’s house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike's House
She enters the darkened house with a key. Bongo begins barking and growling.
Susan: "Now, you be a good boy, Bongo, or you're gonna go to bed hungry."
Susan goes into the kitchen. Zach comes out from behind a wall. Susan turns and sees Zach. He has a gun in his hand.
Zach: "Hi, Ms. Mayer. Can you sit down, please?"
Susan is sitting at the dining room table. Zach is sitting across from her with the gun on the arm of the chair. Susan looks into the kitchen and sees a block with knives on the counter. She looks around the room. She sees a tall vase and part of a moose horn. She begins standing up.
Susan: "I'm just gonna go get some water."
Zach: "I'd rather you didn't."
Susan slowly sits back down as Zach keeps his gun trained on her. Edie walks up Mike’s porch. She knocks.
Zach: "Don't answer it.
Zach gets behind the door where it’s dark and peeks out. Edie looks through the window and sees Susan quietly sitting there.
Edie: "I know you're in there, Susan. I can see you. If you don't want to talk to me, fine. At least have the courtesy to hide."
Edie begins to knock louder. Susan looks at Zach as though saying,
"what should I do?"
Zach: "All right, but don't let her in."
Susan gets up and opens the door a crack. Zach is standing behind the door holding the gun on her.
Susan: "Edie, what a pleasant surprise."
Edie: "Right. Is Mike home?"
Susan: "Uh, no, he's on a big plumbing job. What's up?"
Edie: "Can I come in?"
Susan: "Why?"
Edie: "I'm warning all the neighbors. Felicia Tilman was attacked."
Susan: "She was?"
Edie: "At the Young house. They just took her away an ambulance. I'm totally freaked out. My guys haven't shown up at the job site yet. I'm over there all alone, so do you think maybe I could just come in and hang out for a while?"
Susan mouths "Zach is sticking a gun at me" to Edie, but Edie misunderstands.
Edie: "Stick it up my what?"
Susan: "Just get the hell out of here."
Edie: "God, you are such a bitch."
Susan slams the door on Edie. She faces Zach who continues holding the gun on her.
Susan: "Why?"
Zach: "I asked Mrs. Tilman to tell me the truth about my father. She did."
Susan: "What'd she say?"
Zach: "Mr. Delfino took my dad away to kill him. Now I'm gonna kill Mr. Delfino."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Courtroom
Gabrielle is on the stand.
Gabrielle: "Your Honor, this whole mess is just a result of my loneliness. My marriage is a bit strained, and after Carlos was convicted-"
Judge: "No one's been convicted yet, Mrs. Solis. This is just a Grand Jury hearing."
Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no, I'm talking about his other crime."
Judge: "Oh, right. Go ahead."
Gabrielle: "Anyway, he was placed under house arrest, and he being the jealous man that he is, got a little crazy every time I left the house."
The courtroom is filled. Justin, with a bruised face, is sitting in the back. Also in the courtroom is the cable guy Carlos previously attacked.
Gabrielle: "He knows how men look at me, and, well, I, I didn't exactly ease his mind. I falsely led him to believe I was having an affair. And, and before Carlos's house arrest, he was always working, and he was never with me. And I thought that maybe if he believed I was having an affair, he would realize he loved me. And I know it sounds stupid, I do. I just-"
Prosecution Attorney: "Is there a point to this?"
Gabrielle: "My point is that Carlos is an angry, jealous Neanderthal. But he's not a gay-basher."
Judge: "All right. I've heard enough. Counsel, approach."
Holding his hand over the microphone, the judge speaks with the attorneys.
Judge: "I've got to be honest, I don't think we have a hate crime here."
Gabrielle, listening intently, turns to Carlos and nods encouragingly at him. Just then, John enters the courtroom. As the judge and attorneys continue talking, John approaches Carlos from behind. Gabrielle watches in horror as John leans to whisper into Carlos’ ear.
John: "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that you had the only lawn on Wisteria Lane that needed to be mowed three times a week?"
He claps Carlos on the back and gives Gabrielle a brief fierce stare before walking off.
Carlos slowly turns his head to look at Gabrielle. Her eyes widen and Carlos turns his body to look at where John is standing directly behind Justin.
Carlos: "You are so dead! You are so dead. You are dead!"
Carlos jumps over the barrier and runs toward John. Judge pounds the gavel.
Judge: "Order!"
Gabrielle: "Aaah. Carlos!"
Attorney: "He’s doing it again!"
Lady: "He’s going after the gay guy!"
Carlos runs toward John but Justin is in his way. He knocks Justin down.
Cable Guy: "Hey, for God’s sakes. Somebody stop him!"
Guard: "Get off of him!"
Gabrielle: "Stop it!"
Guards pull Carlos up. John stares at Carlos with hate in his eyes.
Carlos yells at John.
Carlos: "I'll kill you!"
He screams at John in Spanish, then switches back to English.
Carlos: "I am gonna kill you!"
The guards pull Carlos out of the room.
Judge: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be seated. We will have order!"
Everyone sits down. Gabrielle looks at John who has a very smug look on his face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Desert
Mike drives his truck up to a very deserted area. He gets out and opens the back door.
Mike: "Get out."
Mike pulls Paul out of the back. He pulls the tape off Paul’s mouth. Paul’s hands are tied behind his back. Mike takes a shovel out of the truck.
Paul: "I'm not trying to justify anything. I don't know how you knew Martha Huber, but she ruined lives. For fun. She destroyed my family."
Mike: "This isn't about her."
Paul: "I don't understand."
Mike: "Walk."
Mike pushes Paul and they begin walking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital Room
Rex's doctor, Dr. Craig, is looking at Rex's chart.
Dr. Craig: "Remember when we first tested you, your potassium level was bit high."
Rex: "Yes. You made me stop eating bananas.
Dr. Craig: "But as we've continued testing, it's kept climbing. We've now run an entire battery of tests, and your kidney function is fine. It has to be something you're ingesting."
Rex: "Let me see. These numbers can't be right."
Dr. Craig: "Who prepares your meals?"
Rex: "Bree."
Dr. Craig: "I understand you've been having some marital problems."
Rex: "All right, wait a minute."
Dr. Craig: "Wasn't there also an incident at a salad bar? She gave you onions when she knew you were allergic."
Rex: "That was an accident."
Dr. Craig: "You're getting this potassium from somewhere."
Rex: "Get out."
Dr. Craig: "Rex."
Rex: "I mean it. Get out. Leave the chart. I want to read it."
Dr. Craig leaves the room. Rex begins reading his chart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lynette's House
Tom comes in. He sits at the table across from Lynette.
Lynette: "So, did you have a fun day?"
Tom: "As a matter of fact, I did. I probably had the most fun that I have had in a long time."
Lynette: "You know, I didn't tell you to quit."
Tom: "No. No, no, no. No, you made damn sure that I'd go nowhere for the next twenty years."
Lynette: "I don't know what to say."
Tom: "I hear "please forgive me" is popular."
Lynette: "Yes, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. But I was trying to protect our family. If you got a promotion, we never would have seen you. You would have been traveling all the - "
Tom: "Lynette, Lynette, Lynette, you're right. You're right. You're right. That promotion would have just killed us, so this is gonna all work out."
Lynette: "What does that mean?"
Tom: "It means that I can use the break."
Lynette: "Oh, well, yeah. I think it would be good for you to take some time off."
Tom: "No, not some time. Full time. I'm gonna be a stay-at-home dad."
Lynette: "Huh?"
Tom: "What the heck? You earn the living for a while."
Lynette: "Tom, that's...crazy."
Tom: "Why? Why is it crazy? You and I both know that you're better at the ad game, and you tell me all the time how hard it is to be a mom."
Lynette: "Well, yes, yes, it is hard, but I, I love it, too, and I've been doing it for six years, and I haven't complained the entire time."
Tom: "Fair enough. Fair enough. But be honest. Secretly, you miss the ad game, don't you? I mean, you miss the pressure and the deadlines and the, the power lunches. Or am I wrong? Maybe, maybe you want to sort dirty socks the rest of your life."
Lynette: "We should talk about this seriously before we make any rash decisions."
Tom: "I already made the decision. You're going back to work."
Tom gets up and goes upstairs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike's House
Susan is sitting on the stairs. Zach is sitting on the floor next to Bongo.
Susan: "Can I at least get you something to eat, Zach?"
Zach: "You can get me a soda. Thanks."
Susan gets up and walks toward the kitchen. Zach gets up behind her.
Susan goes to the refrigerator.
Susan: "I gotta say, I think you're making a mistake. Mike couldn't kill anybody. I mean, this could just be a misunderstanding."
Susan hands Zach a soda she has opened for him.
Zach: "This is not a misunderstanding."
Susan: "Listen, I know you're upset, but is this really what you think your mother would want you doing?"
Zach: "Probably not."
Susan: "Exactly. Because she raised you right. Look you have been through a lot. you've lost your mom. you're still carrying around the guilt over what happened to your baby sister."
Zach: "I never had a baby sister!"
Susan: "Honey, I know about Dana."
Zach: "How stupid are you? I'm Dana. My mother was some junkie. They stole me and changed my name. They have been lying to me my entire life. Everyone lies to me! My mother! My father! Mrs. Tilman! Even Julie. Do you understand how much that hurts?"
Susan: "Look, Zach. I know you're upset. Let’s just, let's just sit down and talk."
Zach: "Why! So you can lie to me also?"
He points the gun at her and she puts her hand up as though pleading for Zach to stop.
Zach: "No more talking."
Susan nods and Zach points the gun downward.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital Room
Rex closes his chart. He breathes heavily as he grabs a pen and paper and begins to write, "Bree, I understand and I forgive you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bree's House
Bree is polishing silver when the phone rings.
Bree: "Hello?"
Dr. Craig: "Bree, it's Dr. Craig. I'm at the hospital, and I'm afraid I have some bad news."
Bree: "Oh?"
Dr. Craig: "Rex passed away about ten minutes ago."
Bree: "But his operation, it's not until tomorrow."
Dr. Craig: "I know. He just didn't make it. I'm so sorry. We did everything we could. Bree?"
Bree: "Yes, of course you did. Thank you very much for calling."
Bree slowly hangs up the phone. She walks into the dining room and finishes polishing the silver. She closes the box and puts it on the shelf. She walks to the table and straightens the tablecloth. She sits down and, looking at the empty chair across the table from her, begins to sob.
The camera slowly pans over to a photograph of Bree and Rex on their wedding day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Desert
Paul and Mike continue walking.
Paul: "This is a long way to go to do what you could have done in my backyard. You're kind of taking your time, walking a lot. You sure you know what you're doing? You ever actually had to kill anyone for real before?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Paul: "Oh."
Mike: "But since you're so tired of walking, let's just do this here."
Mike pushes Paul to his knees. He pulls out a gun and points it at Paul
Paul: "I don't expect any favors from you, obviously. But could you at least do me the courtesy of telling me why we're here?"
Mike pulls out a photograph of him and Deirdre and tosses on the ground in front of Paul.
Paul: "You knew Deirdre?"
Mike: "Yeah. And I know what you did to her. She was just a sad girl with a lot of problems, and she did some terrible, crazy, selfish stuff, but you tell me what she ever could have done to deserve death at the hands of somebody like you."
Paul: "It's complicated. It's, uh, complicated."
"And just like that, my husband began sharing my secrets."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice's House
Flashback to when Mary Alice was alive. Mary Alice cut up some vegetables.
Mary Alice: "You want some carrots, Zachary?"
"Secrets I had died to protect."
She carries the carrots into the dining room.
Mary Alice: "There you go. We have to get that fence up in the backyard before the pool’s finished."
Paul: "I know."
Mary Alice: "I'm serious. You know how kids are drawn to water."
She continues cutting up vegetables when there's a knocking at the door. She goes to answer the door, opens it, and finds Deirdre standing there.
Deirdre: "Hello, Angela."
Later, Deirdre sits in the living room across from Paul and Mary Alice.
Deirdre: "You did a good job covering your tracks. I had to spend a lot of my father's money hunting you down."
Mary Alice: "Congratulations. You found us."
Deirdre: "You know, I never told the police what happened."
Paul: "You didn't?"
Deirdre: "They would have put Dana in foster care, or worse, given him to my father. So I kept our little secret."
Mary Alice: "Well, we appreciate that."
Deirdre: "Anyway, I guess you can see I've gotten myself cleaned up."
Mary Alice: "Yes, you look lovely."
Deirdre: "I'm not the same person you knew back then, Angela. I'm in a good place now."
Mary Alice: "You can't have him."
Deirdre: "Just because I didn't go to the police before doesn't mean I can't do it now."
Mary Alice stands up.
Mary Alice: "Zach is our son."
Deirdre: "His name is Dana."
Mary Alice: "If you think I'm giving my baby to some junkie, you're crazy."
Deirdre: "He's not your baby."
Paul: "Look, just calm down."
Deirdre: "You were always so high and mighty back at the clinic, looking down on us poor degenerates, pretending you wanted to help when all you really wanted was to feel superior. You self-righteous bitch."
Mary Alice: "You're still using, aren't you?"
Deirdre: "Go to hell."
Mary Alice grabs Deirdre’s arm. Deirdre tries to pull away.
Deirdre: "What are you doing?"
Mary Alice: "Let me see your arm."
Deirdre: "I said I'm clean!"
Paul steps in the separate them.
Paul: "Take it easy. Let's just take it easy."
Deirdre begins to go to the stairs.
Mary Alice: "Where do you think you're going?"
Deirdre: "I'm getting my son, and I'm taking him home."
Mary Alice: "Paul, stop her."
Paul runs after her and grabs her.
Paul: "Deirdre, please."
He pushes her back to living room and she falls on the floor.
Paul: "Come on. Sit down. Sit down."
Deirdre: "Get your hands off me!"
Mary Alice: "We raised him. We're his parents."
Paul: "Come on. Come on.
Deirdre grabs the poker from the fireplace and hits Paul. He collapses.
Mary Alice: "Paul!"
Deirdre: "Don't worry. I'll give him a good home."
Deirdre throws the fireplace poker down and starts towards the stairs again. Mary Alice grabs a knife and stabs Deirdre.
Mary Alice: "No!"
Deirdre falls coughing and groaning. Paul begins to get up, holding his bleeding forehead.
Paul: "Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?"
Mary Alice goes to Zach’s room, quickly emptying his toy chest. Zach wakes up.
Zach: "Mommy?"
Mary Alice: "It's okay, Zach. Mommy needs to borrow your toy chest. You go back to sleep, okay?"
She hugs him.
In the living room the toy chest is next to Deirdre’s body.
Paul: "What are we gonna do?"
Mary Alice: "You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool tomorrow?"
Paul: "You can't be serious."
Mary Alice: "They'll never find her. We can put her in this."
Paul: "She won't fit."
Mary Alice: "Then we'll have to make her fit."
Mary Alice bends down and pushes Deirdre’s sleeves up.
Paul: "What are you doing?"
Mary Alice: "Checking for track marks."
They see that her arms are clean.
Mary Alice looks up to see Zach standing on the stairs watching them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Present - In the Desert
Mike: "Deirdre had a baby?"
Paul (nods): "Let's get this over with."
Mike points the gun at Paul. After a few seconds, he drops his hand, then walks away, leaving Paul tied up on his knees, watching him go.
"It's an odd thing to look back on the world, to watch those I left behind. Each in her own way so brave, so determined, and so very desperate."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lynette's House
"Desperate to venture out, but afraid of what she'll miss when she goes."
Lynette stands in the doorway of the boys' room watching them sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabrielle's House
"Desperate to get everything she wants, even when she's not exactly sure of what that is."
Gabrielle sits alone in her bedroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bree's House
"Desperate for life to be perfect again, although she realizes it never really was."
Bree is in her bedroom, laying out Rex’s burial clothes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike's House
"Desperate for a better future, if she can find a way to escape her past."
Zach stands by the front door and Susan is at the kitchen table.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Alice's House
Focus in on the original picture of the five women hugging each other and smiling for the camera.
"I not only watch, I cheer them on, these amazing women. I hope so much they'll find what they're looking for."
Mike pulls in the street in his truck. He pulls into his driveway and walks into his house. Zach and Susan hear him walk up the stairs.
"But I know not all of them will. Sadly, that’s just not the way life works. Not everyone gets a happy ending."
Mike walks into his house and closes the door behind him.
~ The End ~
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